The "friend zone" (kinda long)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by lucidbass, Jun 18, 2010.

  1. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    Oh boy.

    I've been friends with this.. girl for 2 years now. It started off rocky... I've heard from a number of people that I'm the most unique person they know (yeah everyone likes to believe that) and she had no idea what to think of me, originally. Went to a festival together back in 2008 and fucked one of her friends (which she thought was hilarious) but we started to grow closer after that. Went to another festival together in 2009 (just the two of us), shared a tent and grew even closer together. THEN we started doing psychedelic drugs together and then we grew EVEN CLOSER together.

    I sorta consider her my best friend but.. 'not really'.

    This sorta turned into the type of 'friendship' that I believe is kinda a gray area. I've recently gotten out of a relationship and she did about 4 months ago and we've sorta been.. getting 'intimate' in the most innocent of ways. Lots of cuddling, kisses on the cheek/head, spooning (where she grabs my hand and holds it close to her), sleeping in the same bed. It's been a gray area to me for some months now but despite of that, I got into a relationship with another girl and she knew everything about it and she told me she'd almost slept with some guy while on vacation; we basically tell each other tons of friend stuff.

    Now, she's never given me the impression that she's even the slightest bit attracted to me physically.. quite the contrary actually (and I'm kinda muscular and she's really into skinny guys, I've got chest hair and I know she's reallly not into that.. etc), but I still feel like she and I are in this odd gray area where it's neither platonic nor non-platonic. And we both kinda said in so many words that there's 'sexual tension'.

    Other than all of this 'gray area' stuff, we read each other like an open book. We know each other through and through...

    Now I'm seeing her tomorrow (dragging her along to my DJ gig tomorrow) to catch up after her vacation and I just don't know. Should I act on what I perceive this 'grayness' or could I ruin a friendship with advancements? We're doing E together soon, which itself could be a push in that direction but I don't want to take advantage of a certain situation if that makes any sense.

    I care so much for her, but I have no idea what do with this 'gray area'. And I do have female friends I'm 100% platonic with (most of my friends are girls).

    Help?
     
  2. sukmycock00

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    When it comes to this kind of thing, I personally take the blunt approach. It gets rid of any "grey area" or curiosity and just gets you to the facts. Ask her! Just have a dialog about it. If you guys are the good friends you say you are, it should be a natural convo that you can laugh about and joke about but still get to the bottom of the situation. Tell her you're confused about "where it's going" and see what she has to say. Chances are she feels the same way but is too shy to bring it up. Take the initiative and see what happens :)
     
  3. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    Hah, I knew someone would say that and that's what I've been considering for a long time but my intuition just screams 'NO' and I can see why. The risk would just make things awkward if it doesn't go 'by plan'. I'll likely bring it up eventually, but I don't want to ruin what is there...

    Thank you for your reply!
     
  4. bulldoser

    bulldoser New Member

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    This could be my writing, I feel you at least 98%.
     
  5. Gecko4lif

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    As much as you think it will get awkward it wont. Not unless one of you is particularly immature about it
     
  6. helgaleena

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    Kissing and sharing the same bed and tripping together fall into my personal definition of sexual relationship. But that's just me. Tab A doesn't have to be in slot B. If your intuition screams No, listen to it and be glad for the wonderful whatever it is you two have already. And keep an open mind. It is possible to have more than one 'love of your life'. When you have been alive a bit longer you will be able to accept this more easily perhaps.
     
  7. bigbulgelicker45

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    Up until a few months ago, I had never heard of "the friend zone" until I was given a script to read for a minor role. I still didn't quite understand it, but, years ago when my ex and I first started dating it was kinda like this (it's a really long story so I won't get into it).

    I hadn't seen him in like a decade and ran into him one night at the bar. During the time I hadn't seen him on an occasion I'd think about him because when we met it was like the line in "Sleepless In Seattle"- "when he touched my hand I knew" or something like that.

    It turned out he had dated one of my best friends (and a former co-worker) for months. On a whim we went up to the bar, ran into him and I had these "feelings" come rushing back to me and when he saw me his face lit up like a Christmas tree.

    Throughout the summer we'd see each other up at the bar and party- sometimes bar hopping or he'd leave and that was it for the night. The night before Thanksgiving, I went up to the bar and he was totally, totally wasted. I'm not sure how long he'd been drinking but he started saying things like, "you don't love me" a lot and a lot of other drunken crap.

    Between Thanksgiving and after Christmas we saw each other once and he was on a date, I was a little jealous and then after Christmas he said he had only gone out with this guy to make me jealous. Our first "official" date was New Year's Eve and we added as though we had never met before. Everything was so "formal" and after midnight we had a fight which left everything hanging in the air.

    On Fake Jan day (Jan 2) I was "angry" cleaning while finishing taking down the Christmas stuff and went to watch TV. I decided to take a shower and go up to the bar. We were having an ice storm and it was like nothing was going to keep me away. I kept arguing with myself on the short drive and I figured out that yes, I was in love with him and I needed to let him know.

    When we went back to my townhouse and had gotten into bed I did tell him that we were getting ready to cross a line and there was no turning back. We crossed the line, dated, he dumped me for someone else in March. We did end up back together for about a year then he dumped me again and we started back up in 2000 to 2002.

    Oh and I have to say we never really "had sex". I think I went down on him once for a few minutes but other than that it was just making out and sleeping together.

    When we were friends it was great but each side did feel a little jealously if we saw one another with someone else. It's a difficult decision to make, but maybe before going in too deep you might want to have a frank discussion about it.
     
  8. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    Wow, thank you for all the replies. I feel a lot of you. I think it's interesting how someone with a.. different background, different scenario, hell, even different sexuality and so on can still contribute so much to what's going with me. Just shows how similar people can be.

    Anyway, we went out to the club tonight, where I DJ'd and... I think I'll definitely have to talk to her about it. It just looks like she's building this wall between us, on one hand, though she admitted to how she cares about what I think of her far more than other people and how she originally had lots of trouble with me because I read her like an open book (I came to conclusions about her that she didn't reach herself 'til later on -- which made her feel vulnerable). I just felt.. so close to her.

    There was a bit of jealousy from me when I suddenly couldn't find her and a mutual friend. Well quite a bit (and I'm not the jealous type) but apparently there's nothing going on in and they just left the main room of the venue because the air conditioning was bad.

    I think I'm straight up crazy about her and I think my intuition and the way I read her is right when I say that she's definitely not sure of what to do with me.

    God, I missed her while she was on vacation.
     
  9. SpeedoMike

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    I would imagine nothing will change unless you change it. she seems to be in somewhat of a comfort zone about you and doesn't want anything further.
     
  10. helgaleena

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    I have a way-out suggestion-- try shaving your chest. Shock her with the sight. You don't have to keep doing it, but only try as an experiment.
     
  11. D_Doe_Ray_Mi

    D_Doe_Ray_Mi Account Disabled

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    You're the man, tell her how you feel. I missed so many opportunities with female friends who I was friends with thinking like you said that I didn't want to risk the great friendship by crossing the line and getting sexual. Over time some of them have told me that they were crazy about me, hot for me sexually but waiting for me to make a move. Others I still have connection with laugh about how we were and could have been but young and shy. Only you know what to do but take a risk and check it out or you'll never know. Follow your heart and intuition! Good luck man!
     
  12. HiddenLacey

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  13. Bbucko

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    This is actually kinda funny, because I've been contemplating starting a thread about "Cuddle Dates".

    I have no real problems finding sexual partners, but the rule down here in FtL seems to be that hook-ups, no matter how intense and pleasant, leave when the sex is done. There are usually a few minutes of afterglow that might stretch into a half-hour or so, but ultimately either they leave or give me signs/signals/come right out and say that he'd rather sleep alone. This is particularly true of guys whom I've met online; of the scores I've met/hooked up with over the last 3-4 years, I can only think of one guy who genuinely wanted to curl up and fall asleep.

    This contrasts sharply with my experiences in the 70s, 80s and 90s, when every hook-up/trick/fuckbud expected to spend the night: it was part of the arrangement, and getting up and getting dressed so quickly after the sex would have felt, well...mercenary (in the extreme). But that was in the Northeast and fifteen years ago. I was involved in a nine-year relationship that ended in 2004 (in Florida), and it took about a year to really get my groove back. So maybe it was partially the change in geography and partly the fact that times change and such rituals evolve.

    About 18 months ago, I started meeting guys who, for various reasons, did not meet the criteria I have for sexual partners (generally because they were HIV negative, but not always: sometimes they were just not physically appealing to me), and eventually we began arranging cuddle dates which involve sleeping together (naked) but do not involve any sexual activity beyond some very casual groping and (sometimes) some non-sexual kissing. We'd snuggle, spoon etc, but there were no expectations of anything overtly sexual (no deep kissing, no JO, certainly no oral or anal sex). All of my cuddle dates have involved repeats; it's a level of relationship that I've never explored before.

    If you'd have asked me 15-20 years ago if I'd consider such arrangements, I'd have been perplexed (why bother?), but they are increasingly becoming not just an option but a desirable option. I have three guys with whom I cuddle on an informal and irregular basis at least once every two months (and am considering a fourth, who was very open to the idea when I discussed it with him a few nights ago).

    These guys range in age from mid-30s to mid-50s. To the best of my knowledge, none are impotent or otherwise sexually dysfunctional: we just prefer to keep things non-sexual. In such a sexually overheated environment as FtL there seems to be a real desire to find a level of intimacy that precludes sex.

    I wonder to what extent this is a local phenomenon versus some newish cultural thing.
     
  14. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    I talked to one of my better friends today about the whole situation. She basically tried to convince to just all-out go for it, but not to talk about it but make subtle advancements during our 'cuddling' sessions. While we're spooning. Slowly work my way down her hair to her neck when I kiss her (I kiss her on her head/hair anyway and it's normal and she likes it) and if she's showing discomfort or says anything about it, I should just apologize and say I didn't realize it.

    Thoughts?

    Haha, you know, that's out of the box and I like that but... I just couldn't do it? It's weird. I've been with a girl who was crazy about me but absolutely detests body hair before. If you like someone, you can get past it.

    Thank you very much! :0 That's definitely one of the reasons why I should do it. (not wanting to regret it and whatnot)

    I think it is one of those "unspoken things". It happens a lot[/], but you never talk about it, during, or after and you certainly don't invite people over specifically to do it, you know? If anything, I think you broke the mold by actually inviting people to do it with. It's a good thing that you can be that open and honest about it.



    Yeah, the more I talk about it, read about it here and think about it. I think that's totally the way to go.
     
  15. HiddenLacey

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    Hmmm, you could try the stubble seduction while your cuddling to see if she's receptive. And if not back off. That might help you get your answer, but it may cause some tension after the fact.

    I wouldn't become grabby off the bat, kiss her neck from behind, etc. Baby steps and see what happens, you never know. I still think you can talk about it, but do what you are comfortable with.

    Goodluck :)
     
    #15 HiddenLacey, Jun 20, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 20, 2010
  16. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    Yeah, I was gonna do it with baby steps, basically. All my girl friends say I should go for it and just subtly seduce her. It's really kinda scary, though, 'what if what if', but I know how to read her like only very few can and I know there's this gray area, so I shouldn't worry.

    Thanks. :)
     
  17. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    I'm also willing to bet that this is also the only thread where the tags 'kinda, long' have nothing to do with penis size.
     
  18. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    Holy fucking shit.

    So we did MDMA last night.. still haven't slept. It started off sorta weird and then all of the my body just felt so WONDERFUL. I was moaning as if I were having orgasms with my whole body shaking.

    Her trip, however, wasn't bodily at ALL. So she took some distance. Sitting on a chair and watching the floor move and disappear. She described it as 'being on mushrooms but lighter'.

    Alright. Time passed and my weird body compulsions started to get less intense and she started sitting next to me again. We started cuddling and had the biggest emotional bonding session ever.

    By the end of the trip I addressed the point I raised in this thread;

    she didn't reject me. I basically told her 'I have female friends I have no interest in romantically and I feel about them like I feel about my guy friends and I always tell people you're my best friend, but it just doesn't feel like it at all. I know what friends are, but we're in a gray area'. And we continued to have a healthy talk about it. Eventually she said that I'm her soulmate....

    to be continued. o.o
     
  19. sbat

    sbat New Member

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    Try the Naked Man, you know, from How I Met Your Mother.

    It really does work 2 out of 3 times.
     
  20. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    This is mostly for myself, but for anyone who cares....

    We got drunk. We made out. She said she didn't want to risk our friendship but was thinking about the situation. A few days later she rejected me saying we're definitely not more than friends. A few days after that she said she isn't sure what's going on but there is definitely 'something' more than friendship going on. I've been playing alpha male all along and she seems to get off on it. I've recently gotten this odd.. huge boost of confidence, self worth and self determination. I've decided that I'll get her and that I'm just counting down the days (I told her that when she first rejected me too). It's pretty funny, I'm kinda playing with her.. 'you know you're turned on by my confidence', which she readily admits with a grin on her face. All cheesy lines, but all from the heart.

    Weird how things go. I'll give it another week or two.
     
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