Such an insane almost 3 months these have been.
Our friendship is currently in ruins but it's going to be fine again sooner than later. Do I regret anything? No.
It's a long, loong post, mostly for myself but any post is welcome.
For the first one and a half years that I've known her she was absolutely incapable of giving me compliments and every time one accidentally slipped, she took it back and when people asked about me and some of my positive character traits, she denied I even had them. When we took drugs together for the first time, things were finally going fine. We were honest and open and bonding and we were finally moving in a decent territory. Still some closed-offness but fine. We grew closer and she was finally able to give me some compliments early this year. Yeah, we grew even more close but oddly, the only thing I had was the KNOWLEDGE that I mean a lot to her, not the feeling, the knowledge. She was incapable of showing that she was happy to be around me. It sucked but you know..., it's fine to suffer 'a little bit' when people give you so much positivity as well. And I mean, I'm right, she does work her ass off for me. She also stuck to me like a motherfucker when my dad died. As we grew closer, the only thing still lacking in was her inability to show that she's happy to see me. We discussed it and she said that it bothers her as well and totally sees it and has been working on it for a longer time.
Why all this? Because this is at the complete basis of our problem. She's said that I evoke a lot of emotions in her, very strong emotions and she kinda tries to distance herself from them.
Anyway, during our MDMA trip this summer there was all the stuff I mentioned in this thread.. the whole romantic feelings thing, the gray area, etc. She nodded in agreement silently and... that was it. But that's where it essentially went all wrong. I shouldn't have talked about it. I blame the drugs, because I get in such a relaxed atmosphere where I say things I normally wouldn't say because at the time, it feels 'right', but the reason I made the thread back then was because I had this huge ass issue on my shoulders and I had no idea what to do with it because I knew that at this time, talking about it it, would 'cause problems. I KNEW it was too soon, I was completely and utterly aware of it. I knew she wouldn't be capable of dealing with it right now given our situation. I was right. On the night I described a few posts back we were so flirty, playing fun games, getting all touchy and intimate. On her way back (when we hadn't even discussed the problem of her not being able to show she enjoys being around me) she had such a huge smile on her face, was very giddy and spontaneously said what a great night it was. I thought the cat was in the bag. Boy was I wrong.
The next time I saw her she was distant, had a blank look on her face. Completely emotionally closed off. When I took her home she nonchalantly told me she was going to Amsterdam on the Saturday after. I asked her what for and she told me she was gonna see the dude she almost fucked a month prior to that in Greece (before all this shit happened, though). Funnily enough, she didn't fuck him because he couldn't get it up. I have no idea what happened in Amsterdam and I don't care, though.
I was quite devastated.
Things kinda got out of hand and she wanted to take 'a break'. Well, we were going to a festival 2 weeks later so I said 'fuck that' and told her we had to figure shit out in relation to the festival before we left. The day before we left to the festival we said that we love each other (..weird timing, I fucking know), the only emotional moment we shared on a rainy day where she completely removed herself emotionally from me, though at that time she was visibly happy.
On our way to the festival I tried to sleep, but couldn't (fucking trains) so I asked if I could use her shoulder and she refused with some lame excuse. I didn't bother with it so I just stayed up. Later in the bus she started talking about the 'gray area' and said that it's 'as good as gone', I said that it isn't and she's said 'to me it is, I'm distancing myself from you.. hence why you couldn't sleep on my shoulder'. Great start of the festival, ugh. That night I did MDMA while lying on her lap and stuff came out that shouldn't have. The day after I woke up feeling depressed (exhausted by the MDMA) and things were awful between us. On the second night we had our first talk. I told her that what bothered me wasn't the distance she was taking, but she just took it from one day to another without talking to me about it, 'cause we had a great time the night before she did and she agreed. Turns out.... that I 'evoke a lot of emotions in her' and that became a bit too much for her to handle so she completely closed off.
Frustration.
Things have been in ruins since. We left to the festival a month ago and had two breaks that each lasted more than a week since. I bought her a little bracelet just to remind her that I'm still there and wanted to give it to her on the day we were supposed to see each other again, but she said on the phone that she still needed more time. I told her about the bracelet and she was like 'aww shit'.
We talked and apparently things weren't going well with her. She thought she may be bipolar (and she and I are almost the EXACT same person and I'm actually being checked for manic depression right now) and she's been having lots of issues at home. So it's good that we chilled and I was glad that she could FINALLY admit to herself that something was up and she was in the process of writing a long-ass letter to me trying to explain how she feels about me and the situation and why she has trouble opening up, even though she wants to ('cause I'm that only person she can't open up to).
I organize a breakcore party in my city and this edition was in collaboration with a regional multimedia, arts and music festival. This would be the first time that I'd see her again. We briefly talked the night before and she went cold again, not being able to share anything with me and she's started to take getting professional help less seriously (argh!!). When I finally got her out of the crowd I signaled her to come towards me and she refused, I signaled again and she refused.. I signaled one last time and again she didn't come so I was like 'right, fuck it' and sorta threw the box with the bracelet to the floor, which she still managed to catch in time. Bad move of me, but I was way too in the moment to really give a healthy reaction.
The day after she came to the day of the festival that I co-hosted. I had the fucking time of my life, chilling with some of my favorite musicians in the breakcore and edm scene. She seemed to have a great time too, but we were avoiding each other. We talked about it the day after and we're taking yet ANOTHER break. She lost 10 pounds these past few weeks and nights of sleep because of how much she worries about us.
I went out last Saturday and an ex of mine was working at the venue so I was like 'why the fuck not?'. I asked 'look, you had to deal with me when I was mad complicated and shit didn't really work out, it's all good now, but I'm going through same thing seeing as R. is the exact same person I am, what would you have done differently with me looking back?' Her answer was 'I would have been more patient'.
My jaw dropped to the floor and everything answered itself.
I knew all along that it wasn't the time yet to talk to her about the gray area (hence this thread). I knew I had to be patient because she couldn't handle it. I even said that out loud to myself before the drama started and I mentioned it to her. She's exactly like me, but about 2.5 years younger. I have a lot of learning to do, but she does even more so. She's 19. She doesn't know what she wants and I know that. I always let her make her mistakes because I knew she would learn things from them and she would be fine if I gave her time to learn from them. And I knew before I accepted my feelings for her that she sucks at picking boyfriends because she always picks guys she could 'control' or at least keep at an arm's length at her choosing. I once even mentioned that to her and she burst out laughing admitting that 'well, when I broke up with my ex, I did it when I felt like I lost all control and oversight', but she's still in the mindset and I knew that and I shouldn't have started talking about 'our gray area', it's something she can't emotionally handle at this point which I was fully aware of.
You know, I blame the drugs for telling her too soon, but take full responsibility for the consequences. The fact that I was bothered by the grayness was my issue and I unwillingly projected it on her. However, I won't ever accept her just suddenly being cold and distant to me ever again. Issues friends or lovers have with each other should be talked about, how hard it may be and I would've accepted the distance for what it was had she approached me with it in caution.
Some problems go away when you ignore them, but issues with other people never do, because someone else will always get hurt by them. It was hard for me to keep my issue myself, but I tried and I failed. She didn't even try to talk to me and that's regretful, but I forgave her,though I hope she's learned that she can't do that again.
I don't know. Right now I'm just glad that I learned a lot. I'll move on from her romantically for the time being, fuck a bunch of girls that are interested in me because I'm a good looking, intelligent and creative guy with an outgoing personality. I deserve my fun and to get my mind off of her. I'm not ready for a relationship yet, but whatever. I'll let her make her mistakes like I always did in the past and things will work out. There'll be a time when things will be better than ever between us and until then I just need to be patient with her and have trust in the fact that things will work out. I'll never get over her and I will take my chance when I actually see it.
Words can't express how similar she and I are and how special our bond is. I hate the pain this situation caused me but the pain wouldn't be there if we didn't love each other so much. So..... I've got my closure.
