the "friend zone"

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by the_reverend, Jan 13, 2010.

  1. the_reverend

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    curious about the women's perspective...when does a guy enter the "friend zone" for you, where the friendship is so important you don't want to risk it by dating and/or sleeping with him (as opposed to guys you just have no interest in who are immediately swept over there anyway, lol)?

    and, as a corrolary, if you have an answer...is there any way OUT of said zone?

    discuss. :cool:
     
  2. ManlyBanisters

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    I never had a friend zone. Just guys I fancied and guys I didn't. If I fancied a friend and he wanted to fuck, we fucked. There were two guys who things were a little awkward with after. One because he thought I wanted more than friends - things went back to normal when he worked out I didn't. The other had had a crush on me before we had sex, had I known that I wouldn't have slept with him. I just told him straight out it was a one night thing and I was sorry if he'd got the wrong idea - then went to bed with his flat-mate (who was my FB already). Was that cruel of me? I thought at the time it was, but I also thought it was necessary.

    There were a couple of very close friends I had sex with - it didn't do a thing to the friendship bar give us something more in common.

    Now, apart from Hick obviously, I only have a friend zone.
     
  3. AlteredEgo

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    My friends from high school are in that zone. If we'd hooked up in school, it might have been repeatable when we were adults and single. However, we didn't, and by the time we reconnected three and four years after high school, it just wasn't going to happen (even though they all came back from college HOT). Every moment spent together solidifying our relationships was a moment further away from ever having sex. In high school, I just wasn't interested. All but one of them had expressed an interest at some point. However, they were all still in their awkward stages. When we reconnected a few years later, if they'd still been interested, I might have responded positively. Then again, I knew all their embarrassing details, and stupid nicknames, and had gone through a lot with them. With no romantic love in my heart for them, it might have just been awkwardly like fucking a sibling. That is what the friend zone is for! To protect myself from that type of conflict.

    Separately, there was a group of friends I made specifically for fucking. Over time, they grew to be real friends. Some of them know my husband. Some of them check on my grandma for me now that I live 1200 miles away from home. I will never sleep with them again, and though they have missed that aspect during the past few years, they remain good confidantes and emergency dates (since my husband is often away at work when I need someone to go to a wedding or party with me).
     
    #3 AlteredEgo, Jan 13, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2010
  4. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    I FZ guys for whom Ihave no sexual attraction but nice a people. It doesn't work so well so I do it very rarely these days. If I don't find you physically attractive, I will either avoid or only see you as part of a group.
     
  5. eeleeleel

    eeleeleel New Member

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    The only cases in which I move guys (or in my case, girls too) into the 'friend zone' when they have been elsewhere are when I have to, either because they began dating someone else, have told me they have no interest in me, or we broke up, or if I start to find them unattractive for physical reasons or personality traits. When I meet a guy, I can usually tell if I find them attractive enough to consider a physical relationship with or not. Guys that I do find attractive will be kept out of the friend zone until either one of my two reasons pop up. Until then, if I think they're attractive, no matter how good the friendship is, I usually wouldn't mind getting in their pants. This is even true for my close female friends I find attractive. Until they either tell me they aren't into me, or I decide I'm not into them, I keep the option of developing the friendship into something more in the back of my head.

    How to get out? For me there is nothing a guy can do to get himself out. Most likely, my taste in appearance or physical attributes would have to change drastically. I can't speak for other women, but I'm fairly shallow and if I placed someone immediately into the friend zone it's because I could never have a physical relationship with them - period.
     
  6. Guy-jin

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    I actually wonder if "friend zone" really has to do with worrying about "risking it by dating/sleeping with a guy" more than "I'm not sexually attracted to this friend."

    Because I've found friends can have sex with each other without many negative consequences.

    In fact, in my experience, the worst side effect has been that the someone's feelings often switch from friendship to something more.
     
  7. AlteredEgo

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    Therein lies the risk. What if the emotional shift only happens to one of them? The friendship is destroyed, and so is the casual sex.
     
  8. Guy-jin

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    That hasn't been my experience. The casual sex may end, but the friendship has been preserved, in my case. But yeah, it's can be a risk for that reason I suppose.
     
  9. Principessa

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    Men in the friend zone:
    Married men
    Any male with whom I work
    Guys I've known since before they had pubic hair
    Guys from church
    Unattractive men
    Friends or family of any man I have ever dated

    Sorry, but I can't comprehend "the friendship is so important you don't want to risk it by dating and/or sleeping with him." I've never been in that situation before. :confused:

    I don't fuck my friends. So once they are friends that's it.
     
    #9 Principessa, Jan 14, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2010
  10. Jojo51623

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    Let me just say, I'm glad the women in this thread are being honest and admitting guys in the friend zone are in the friend zone because they aren't attracted to him. Often women will lie and say it's because they don't wanna ruin the friendship but we all know that isn't true. If a women is attracted to a men, she will take the risk no matter how good the friendship is.
     
  11. L_Lynn

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    Look above you at Principessa's answer. Sometimes guys are attractive to me and I would be happy to sleep with them except that they are somehow "off-limits". Married, a bff's ex, your priest, your bf's brother, your boss, etc. - somebody whom having a sexual relationship with would cause a whole slew of problems, and yes, ruin that friendship and possibly more.
     
  12. AlteredEgo

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    While sometimes a man ends up in the friend zone because I lack a physical attraction to him, other men got there because of bad timing. I resent that you think you can swing your balls around and dictate to women what rationale they must follow. You're wrong. Perhaps many women agree with you, however, I do not. I would NEVER jeopardize an existing platonic relationship for casual sex. Not ever! It is possible that I would risk a platonic relationship to explore serious romance, but after a bad experience following that route, I decided long ago never to do that again. I don't care how attractive a man is physically. There comes a point in friendship where sex becomes out of the question to me.

    I agree with L Lynn. I once bumped into a very attractive acquaintance years after last seeing him anywhere, or even hearing his name. I honestly thought he'd moved out of the country. We had a nice conversation, and exchanged cell numbers. When a subsequent chat got very flirty, I made sure to let him know that I was "so glad to be reestablishing our friendship". Why didn't I want it to become sexual? I knew him through an ex-girlfriend of his. She's always been a decent friend. He's a no-go. Friend-zoned.

    So, to summarize: You're wrong, and you are not the voice of all women.
     
    #12 AlteredEgo, Jan 14, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2010
  13. Jojo51623

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    Oh, I know if they were a friend's ex boyfriend or they are married then they are off limits. I was just saying in general, if a guy is single, and there is nothing like you mentioned holding them back, if a women finds him attractive chances are they wouldn't mind taking the chance of ruining the relationship. Where as, if a women doesn't find a guy attractive, but thinks he has a good heart and can be her shoulder to cry on when she needs it then she will use the "I don't wanna jeopardize the friendship" excuse instead of hurting his feelings and telling him she doesn't find him attractive.

    AlteredEgo
    , I have no idea where I mentioned a women having sex with a friend. I'm just saying, if a guy is single and there is nothing holding two people back from dating, but they are friends then the women will usually take the chance, if she is that attracted to him. Where as like I said, if she doesn't find a friend attractive instead of telling him that she will say she doesn't want to jeopardize the great friendship they have. I said nothing about two friends sleeping together. I'm talking about dating. If a guy and girl find each other attractive and have no strings
    attached
    like being a
    bff's
    ex boyfriend, being your ex boyfriend's brother or being married then I think both the guy and girl would take the risk of getting more serious in a relationship with one another.
     
  14. Not_Punny

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    Aren't ALL men are in the "frenzy zone"?

    Oh. You meant FRIEND zone. My bad.

    But my answer is still the same. ALL men are in the friend zone.
     
  15. Miss_Milk_Maid

    Miss_Milk_Maid New Member

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    hmmm hard question really!

    I dont just have one strict "friend Zone" in regards to men; I have male friends who I have no attraction to and I have friends who I do have attraction to but for one or another reason it wont work.

    I have only ever had one friend, who I have managed to have a ongoing and happy friends with benefits (currently still happening). We used to date and have continued sleeping together on and off. We just seem to have an understanding, not really sure what that is but we do!

    Is it possible to move from one zone to another..... Yeah I think so, of course its hard to go back from the more than friend zone to the friend zone.
     
  16. ManlyBanisters

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    I quite agree - Putting myself back in the days when I did casual sex, if I thought the casual sex was going to make the friendship awkward I would not do it:

    In the past I have had more than one guy to whom I was attracted who I would not have slept with - Not because I have this mystical 'friend zone' but because they were N.A.F.F. - not available for fucking (polari term). So either gay, hooked up with someone I wouldn't want them to cheat on, likely to want more than casual, etc..

    I don't quite get the women who wouldn't have a casual fling with a friend just because he (or she) is a friend. Maybe you all had different types of friends than I did. I have to be a lot closer to someone to share the kind of emotional and personal stuff I share with friends than I do to grab a prophylactic and have a little fun - so why would I not have had the kind of fun I could have with a near stranger with a close friend? That doesn't make sense to me.
     
  17. the_reverend

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    thanks for the responses, everyone. given me a lot to think about...
     
  18. Daisy

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    If a guy was a friend, and I were sexually attracted to him, he wouldn't be just a friend for long. I have STARTED dating guys who ended up in the zone because they were too passive, too casual, too formal. I like a guy who can take charge and show me that he's very interested otherwise I lose interest pretty easily.

    A LOT of women do say "I just want to be friends" when they don't want to hurt a guy's feelings.
     
  19. NotSoDumb_Blonde

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    Oh so not true. I have men friends that are very attractive, but for many reasons, we are only friends. I'm not risking a friendship, sometimes something that lasts longer, on moving that friendship to sex. Once it does, I've found I have developed feelings, while he does not. Or once, the other way around. Neither scenario ended as friends. And, in fact, I became very leery of men that were or wanted to be 'my friend' thinking they only wanted more.

    So, now? Nope, not doing it. Friends, good. Meeting a guy and learning about him slowly, in a flirty kind of friendly way, hoping it will lead to more? That's good, but friends? I like to keep it that way.
     
  20. the_reverend

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    my problem seems to be developing feelings once i'm in the zone, without actually having slept together. whereas girls i've slept with and THEN become friends with, there don't seem to be as many romantic complications. lol. i'm also friends with many of my exes...which doesn't seem to deter the "it would ruin the friendship" argument much. then again, since none of those exes were really close or even best friends with me before the relationship, i don't know if the same would hold true if i DID wind up dating a close friend only to have it end.

    i've just noticed this as a recurring pattern in my life, since about the 8th grade...i get really close to a girl, we become best friends and then i'll fall for her, inevitably my feelings reveal themselves, i get the "i don't want to risk losing you/you're such a good friend/etc." speech...usually at some point months or years down the road we wind up making out, sometimes it seems like we might be on the verge of getting together, but then it falls apart with a return to the "don't want to lose the friendship" speech, or sometimes a variation of "we're getting really intense and serious, and i don't know if i'm ready for that yet" (though i've gotten that in actual romantic relationships as well, so maybe that's just a separate pattern) and we go back to being friends and the world continues to spin on its axis, lol.

    it's happened at least four times before, and now it seems to be happening again only i'm much more aware for having gone through it before and so it's interesting to kind of step outside of the situation and view it with a strange kind of clarity...and then i step back into it and it's just as confusing and frustrating as it was at 13. lol!
     
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