the "friend zone"

[EllieP]

I have quite a few male friends who are simply friends. I find a few attractive, but I never have fantasized about doing anything more. Cap's bandmates are some of my closest, and they are very attractive men and both single. I always feel like I'm trying to find someone for them. Sometimes the friendship with these guys extends into a maternal area. I guess that's because we're so close or maybe because they eat at the house all the time! LOL!

 

[Enid]

This is just my two pennies: As soon as you sense you are developing feelings for a friend, tell her. Just lay it all on the line. If you get that speech, so be it. You did the best you could and you weren't afraid. I think it's the fear of being vulnerable that can be the killer. I found once I lost my fear I stopped drawing situations like that to myself.

Good luck.

 

[D_Ivana Dickenside]

all of my male friends who fall in the friend zone have always been friends that i share platonic relationships with. we have no sexual attraction towards each other, but we can still appreciate all the qualities about what makes the other person attractive.

in the past i dated several men i was friends with first. it's great being with someone you're totally comfortable with. but breakups do happen, and it's much harder when your relationship stems from a friendship, especially if the friendship had a long history. it's the reason why i stopped dating men i formed friendships with.

 

[D_Jurgen Klitgaard]

all of my male friends who fall in the friend zone have always been friends that i share platonic relationships with. we have no sexual attraction towards each other, but we can still appreciate all the qualities about what makes the other person attractive.

in the past i dated several men i was friends with first. it's great being with someone you're totally comfortable with. but breakups do happen, and it's much harder when your relationship stems from a friendship, especially if the friendship had a long history. it's the reason why i stopped dating men i formed friendships with.

But didn't we kinda start out as friends first?

 

[D_Evinia Saggyudders]

To be totally honest, the only men that ever fall into the "friend zone" for me are ones that are either really unattractive or way out of my age range. That being said, not many of my male friends are in the "friend zone". I usually have some attraction to my friends, if nothing else, purely sexual. Sometimes I act on it, sometimes I don't.

 

[RawDog]

I don't quite get the women who wouldn't have a casual fling with a friend just because he (or she) is a friend. Maybe you all had different types of friends than I did. I have to be a lot closer to someone to share the kind of emotional and personal stuff I share with friends than I do to grab a prophylactic and have a little fun - so why would I not have had the kind of fun I could have with a near stranger with a close friend? That doesn't make sense to me.

I feel the same way. I never understood why it was so different than, say, a workout partner. I do understand wanting to keep a relationship exclusive for STD or emotional commitment reasons, but if one were single, I wouldn't have a problem. But I believe that's a predominantly male point of view though.

My wife and I have been friends for over 20 years now and were always unavailable to each other due to significant others that were in the way. We established early on that we were madly attracted to one another, but we were always too chicken-shit to be unfaithful.

At one point, she did give me the "We're just friends" speech, but thankfully she changed her mind and decided to step it up to the FWB stage. That lasted a total of one weekend. We then decided to throw caution to the wind (she more than I actually) and leave her wife, pack all her things, give up her career, and move halfway across the country to live with me.

I think being friends first is actually the cornerstone of why our marriage is, so far anyway (knock on wood), working out so well.

 

[Principessa]

This is just my two pennies: As soon as you sense you are developing feelings for a friend, tell her. Just lay it all on the line. If you get that speech, so be it. You did the best you could and you weren't afraid. I think it's the fear of being vulnerable that can be the killer. I found once I lost my fear I stopped drawing situations like that to myself.

Good luck.

QFT!

 

[Cougar]

My rule has always been: "If you can't fuck your friends, who can you fuck"
Lovers and friends are interchangeable with me.

 

[the_reverend]

part of the problem for me is that, while i've had casual flings and one night stands and such, sex is still a very emotionally and spiritually connected thing for me...so while it can be a little "fun" in those situations, it's never AS good as when i've got a strong emotional connection to the person. the best of which, of course, is being in love with them (regardless of friendship status beforehand), but it's been incredible even just messing around with friends before, i think because of that level of pre existing trust and intimacy. so maybe that has something to do with why i keep falling for friends...damn it, i've got a friend fetish! lol!

 

[Miss_Milk_Maid]

I have male friends that I am attracted to and do/ have had a sexual based relationship with but I know for a number of reasons that a comitted relationship just wouldnt work.

I think it is common for poeple to develop feelings for friends, I know I have and I am sure I will - what is it they say?? You cant help who you fall in love with??


I also get what you mean about the emotional connection! Its a hard hurddle to get around sometimes really!

 

[the_reverend]

I also get what you mean about the emotional connection! Its a hard hurddle to get around sometimes really!

exactly...it's like the people i want to be with because of the emotional connection don't want to risk being with me BECAUSE of the emotional connection. and then if i try to do the casual hook up thing, it's not as satisfying because there's no emotional connection!

and on the dating side of the equation, i keep hearing that they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me because i'm "the guy you end up and settle down with," and they don't want anything that serious yet and just want to have fun...and then they end up and settle down with the guy they found while they were having fun.

(oh, and on the above statement, girls...if you're telling guys this as some kind of consolation, like we're supposed to feel good about ourselves because we're more emotionally available or something, stop and think of how you're phrasing it...because most of the time, it comes across sounding like "someone will settle for you when they're done fucking everyone else!" lol!)

 

[Vainglorious]

Since I was in college, I haven't been around enough available guys often enough to have this problem, so I kinda forgot what it was like. These days I think I'm more certain of what I want, I just can't find it nearby! If I were truly close friends with a guy and I was attracted to him for his character, manner, and mind, as well as his appearance, there would be no hesitation about trying to go out with him, because HELLO, I would have just described everything I was looking for. If he's in the 'friend' zone, either I'm not attracted to him or I am certain we'd be incompatible as lovers, and he will probably never move out of the friend zone. I agree they shouldn't be telling you 'you're the settling down type' because it sounds like they think you're a perfect leftover candidate, but they might just mean that you are more interested in deep intimacy than they are right now, and in a couple years, they'll be looking for someone they can be emotionally intimate with. Even now with someone I really enjoy being with, I get a little twinge-y if they say anything emotionally vulnerable too soon. On the other hand, do I really want to just keep having 'fun' relationships since there's little risk of being hurt and miss out on someone I could settle down with? Fortunately or unfortunately, there haven't been many opportunities to answer that question lately, so I can put it off longer.

 

[Blagoblog]

A LOT of women do say "I just want to be friends" when they don't want to hurt a guy's feelings.

It's not how you say it, it's what you say; the very fact of letting a guy know you're not interested in him is what hurts his feelings, and there's no way around it.

 

[the_reverend]

ooooh...i got asked to watch the purse tonight while a handful of douchebags crowded around her. that's a sure fire sign to pull the eject handle if ever i saw one.

 

[B_Bjen2848]

i dont think women intentionally put potential partners in the friend zone, just by looking at every day interactions between men and women, i think 90% of the time, guys put themselves in the friend zone by the things they say and way they act .. i think people are putting too much on the physical attraction, because i know plenty of guys who women have said are cute, handsome etc. who pull no girls b/c they dont know how to talk to women, yet there are guys who look goofy as hell and can get any girl they want

 

[dkdkglfg]

I can relate to the reverend. after too much close contact as a friend we realise we like them and have so much in common and we think with our penises and be like well i like this thing and lets take it to the next level, without thinking of the consequences. Then the woman is like oh thats nice but it will complicate everything. Although there are women here that said they wont mind going from friend zone to seeing each other, i however have never encountered such a thing granted there havent been that many such occasions!

 

[helgaleena]

I only have sex with persons I am willing to be friends with as well. That does NOT mean I want to have sex with all my friends! Not every human is sexy to every other human are they? Some are minors, some are disgusting in their personal hygiene, some just are not interested in sex with me, or are committed to other partners. But they can all be my friends. Friend zone is a bigger set than lover zone, but lover zone is contained by it.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I've had sex with quite a few of my friends over the years. For me there is no such thing as 'our friendship is too important to risk it', because I don't believe having sex with someone or the ending of a serious relationship will or should result in the the end of our friendship. The VERY few times I've used that line (once? maybe twice?) it has been because I didn't want to have sex with them and didn't want to hurt them by saying so.

 

[LaFemme]

If I don't want to have sex with a friend, it's for one of two reasons - either he's off-limits or I don't find him attractive. And there have been times when initially I didn't find a guy attractive, but the more I got to know him, the more attractive he got; then there have been times when a guy seemed very attractive but got less so once I got to know him.

If you want a woman to look at you differently, behave a little differently - say something, flirt a little more - do something! She might give you the "friend" line, but at least you tried.

 

[paradisefalls69]

Personally there have been guys who were in my friend zone because i wasn't physically attracted to but moved out of that zone to possible relationship zone because their personality made them so much more attractive than what they really were... not all women are shallow and go by looks alone, but being attractive does help get in my pants sooner! But now that im married all men are moved into the friend zone...