The Intellectual Black Guy Who Fell the Closet Country Boy

HungThickProf

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I don't normally post my issues or ask for advice from this site, but I figured today would be a good day to do so.

I'm gay (well, homoflexible), I've been out to my friends and family for the past 14 years. I haven't dated a lot because gay men can suck- just like anyone else. So, I've stuck to just fucking dudes and leaving it at that. I met a guy earlier this year on adam4adam, and we'll call him G. G is early in his early 30's, very handsome, intelligent, closeted, bisexual, and a country boy. He's told me in the past that he wouldn't have an issue with coming out to his friends and family, he just wants a good reason to do so. The first night I ever spoke to him we spent 4 hours on the phone just getting to know one another- we lost track of time. We continued to speak, and then we just lost touch for whatever reason for like 5 months. I had since deleted my account and then created a new one after 3 months. That night I signed online, and I received a message from a name I didn't recognize. After reading the profile, and after he read mine- we both know who we were. It was awesome- we reconnected, talked for hours and hours again; it made me happy. One Saturday night, I called him up, asked what he was doing, and he told me that he had a few beers, and if hadn't been drinking, he'd make the two hour drive to come see me. I asked him if I could come see him, and after 10 minutes of going back and forth- he agreed. I packed an overnight bag, said goodbye to my roommate, and jumped in the car.

He lives in the mountains, which I love (despite the shitty cellphone reception). And when I got there, we just hung out and had the nicest conversations. There were times when I'd look into his eyes, and I just wanted to kiss him. I didn't have to, because he kissed me. He gave me a beer and we walked down his car port and looked into the sky- it was like you could see every star, and then a shooting star. It was like something out of a movie- I literally thought "OMG, this shit actually happens in real life- I'll be damned". He kissed me again, and this time I just couldn't contain myself- I wanted him. I wanted to be inside him. And for the first time in 7 years- I didn't want to fuck a man, but to make love to one.

Anyway, I drove home the next day, and I was on cloud 9. He's altered the way I see some things. I'm not the man-whore I used to be. When I'm intimate with a man, I want it to mean something. We had made plans to get together another weekend, but he had to cancel- he promised he'd help his best friend move. No problem there- it's his best friend- I'm not going to argue that. We made plans for the following weekend, he sent me a text that said "Hey I'm exhausted, going to have dinner with friends and then going home". I was pissed about that because you don't break plans with someone like that via text. There was no apology. He had no idea how much running around I did to make sure that he had a very special weekend- the money I spent. But hey, it's whatever. I sent him a long text- not a mean one- I wanted him to understand that we need better communication- no profane words or anything like that. He ignored my texts and he ignored my calls.

Damn near a month goes by, and even though I've thought about him- what I wish there could have been no longer being a reality just hurt so much less. And then one night I'm joking with my roommate about being a slut as he's talking to guys on adam4adam. I call myself a hypocrite, I turn around to my computer and I log on to mine. Now for those of you who are not familiar with adam4adam- you can see if someone has visited your profile unless they delete the trace. Well, there was a profile that had viewed mine and the name looked vaguely familiar. After viewing the profile, I concluded that it was G. I wasn't rude or angry- very civil in fact. We went back and forth with messages and then he apologized to me. I said thank you and I accepted it. He asked me if he could call- he did, we spoke again for 4 hours. During that conversation, I explained how I felt and how angry he made me with the shitty way that he had handled the situation. I don't want to yell or scream or get bitchy with anyone- when you escalate, others escalate, and that gets you nowhere. I called him later that week, and he answered while his brother and his brother's girlfriend was present. Because he's so closeted, he normally ignores the call or will send a text stating that he'll call back later or something. But he answered, and we talked for a few minutes, and he told me he would hit me up later. Things seemed cool, and we made plans to get together this past weekend. Once again, I got a text letting me know that it wasn't happening. We had agreed to not discuss "important" matters via text just to avoid having true meaning and tone lost in translation. So I haven't sent him any text messages.

So this is where I am: do I wait to hear from him and do I continue to see where things go with him if/when I do? Or do I just give it a clean break? I personally find it to be unacceptable, and even though his friends and family find him to be reliable, I just don't. But what does that say? I don't think it's fair or right to treat anyone that way? Any thoughts? Any questions I can answer?
 

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I don't normally post my issues or ask for advice from this site, but I figured today would be a good day to do so.

I'm gay (well, homoflexible), I've been out to my friends and family for the past 14 years. I haven't dated a lot because gay men can suck- just like anyone else. So, I've stuck to just fucking dudes and leaving it at that. I met a guy earlier this year on adam4adam, and we'll call him G. G is early in his early 30's, very handsome, intelligent, closeted, bisexual, and a country boy. He's told me in the past that he wouldn't have an issue with coming out to his friends and family, he just wants a good reason to do so. The first night I ever spoke to him we spent 4 hours on the phone just getting to know one another- we lost track of time. We continued to speak, and then we just lost touch for whatever reason for like 5 months. I had since deleted my account and then created a new one after 3 months. That night I signed online, and I received a message from a name I didn't recognize. After reading the profile, and after he read mine- we both know who we were. It was awesome- we reconnected, talked for hours and hours again; it made me happy. One Saturday night, I called him up, asked what he was doing, and he told me that he had a few beers, and if hadn't been drinking, he'd make the two hour drive to come see me. I asked him if I could come see him, and after 10 minutes of going back and forth- he agreed. I packed an overnight bag, said goodbye to my roommate, and jumped in the car.

He lives in the mountains, which I love (despite the shitty cellphone reception). And when I got there, we just hung out and had the nicest conversations. There were times when I'd look into his eyes, and I just wanted to kiss him. I didn't have to, because he kissed me. He gave me a beer and we walked down his car port and looked into the sky- it was like you could see every star, and then a shooting star. It was like something out of a movie- I literally thought "OMG, this shit actually happens in real life- I'll be damned". He kissed me again, and this time I just couldn't contain myself- I wanted him. I wanted to be inside him. And for the first time in 7 years- I didn't want to fuck a man, but to make love to one.

Anyway, I drove home the next day, and I was on cloud 9. He's altered the way I see some things. I'm not the man-whore I used to be. When I'm intimate with a man, I want it to mean something. We had made plans to get together another weekend, but he had to cancel- he promised he'd help his best friend move. No problem there- it's his best friend- I'm not going to argue that. We made plans for the following weekend, he sent me a text that said "Hey I'm exhausted, going to have dinner with friends and then going home". I was pissed about that because you don't break plans with someone like that via text. There was no apology. He had no idea how much running around I did to make sure that he had a very special weekend- the money I spent. But hey, it's whatever. I sent him a long text- not a mean one- I wanted him to understand that we need better communication- no profane words or anything like that. He ignored my texts and he ignored my calls.

Damn near a month goes by, and even though I've thought about him- what I wish there could have been no longer being a reality just hurt so much less. And then one night I'm joking with my roommate about being a slut as he's talking to guys on adam4adam. I call myself a hypocrite, I turn around to my computer and I log on to mine. Now for those of you who are not familiar with adam4adam- you can see if someone has visited your profile unless they delete the trace. Well, there was a profile that had viewed mine and the name looked vaguely familiar. After viewing the profile, I concluded that it was G. I wasn't rude or angry- very civil in fact. We went back and forth with messages and then he apologized to me. I said thank you and I accepted it. He asked me if he could call- he did, we spoke again for 4 hours. During that conversation, I explained how I felt and how angry he made me with the shitty way that he had handled the situation. I don't want to yell or scream or get bitchy with anyone- when you escalate, others escalate, and that gets you nowhere. I called him later that week, and he answered while his brother and his brother's girlfriend was present. Because he's so closeted, he normally ignores the call or will send a text stating that he'll call back later or something. But he answered, and we talked for a few minutes, and he told me he would hit me up later. Things seemed cool, and we made plans to get together this past weekend. Once again, I got a text letting me know that it wasn't happening. We had agreed to not discuss "important" matters via text just to avoid having true meaning and tone lost in translation. So I haven't sent him any text messages.

So this is where I am: do I wait to hear from him and do I continue to see where things go with him if/when I do? Or do I just give it a clean break? I personally find it to be unacceptable, and even though his friends and family find him to be reliable, I just don't. But what does that say? I don't think it's fair or right to treat anyone that way? Any thoughts? Any questions I can answer?

If I went through all that you went through...that would be enough. I would leave him alone.

He has his life...and if he really wanted you...he would make some attempts on his own. He would also keep his promises. He would make space for you, too. And what is wrong with talking about important matters if it matters and is important to you? You should be able to talk about anything.



 

HungThickProf

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If I went through all that you went through...that would be enough. I would leave him alone.

He has his life...and if he really wanted you...he would make some attempts on his own. He would also keep his promises. He would make space for you, too. And what is wrong with talking about important matters if it matters and is important to you? You should be able to talk about anything.




Thank you for the advice man. It's been years since I've heard from you. I hope that all is well with you. I apologize for the grammatical errors in the post- I had just woke up. I wanted to get the thoughts out of my head, into the post, and not look at it again.
 

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Thank you for the advice man. It's been years since I've heard from you. I hope that all is well with you. I apologize for the grammatical errors in the post- I had just woke up. I wanted to get the thoughts out of my head, into the post, and not look at it again.

:eek:I am NOT the grammar police. :smile:
Not even a concern. I have my fair share of English foibles.

I am sorry you are going through a rough time with these knucklehedz online. (I stopped going on A4A and MANHUNT eons ago.)

This goes for anyone who is having problems dating in real-life...as well as online...if they aren't making you feel just as important as you feel about them...don't make them the priority. And you don't have to take the mistreatment. Call it out.
 

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First, I am sorry that you are going through this Dante. I have know you on this site for some time now and you are such a kind, sweet person and I hate to see this happen. I would have to agree with InvisibleMan, if he wanted to then he would. I have come to realize that people make time to do the things they want to do. Flaking once or twice is understandable, hell maybe even a third time but after that it becomes questionable. I hope this helps some.
 

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It's the old ball game
Strike 3 and he is out!
This guy isn't playing the same game you are
The 4 hr calls are a waste of your time and getting your hopes up, I suspect even more so
Move on. Keep looking
 

Exbiker

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It's not easy for anyone else to gain insight online.

But from your posts - not just in this thread, I mean elsewhere as well - I think you are too good for this guy. You deserve better treatment... Sometimes, people do improve, but I'm seeing no signs of that here ...

But on the other hand I would not think that sticking to purely physical sex is a good idea either. Every organism contains layers - perception and feeling, mind and soul. I think maybe you know that you feel a need for a proper relationship, somewhere deep inside. You can't force that to happen; but also it may not be a good idea to keep preventing it ...

Dante, you shine. You're a good kind man. Funny and clever and insightful. I am in no doubt that there are good matches for you out in the big wide world. There is nothing wrong with meeting online. Just be aware it is only a window on the world - not the world itself.

And I know that you know that. But sometimes we all need reminding that communication, openness, honesty, reliability, sharing experiences, and planning and reviewing it all, are things we all need to do in the real world ...

Good luck
:smile:
 
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AtomicMouse1950

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Dante... I know you to be a intelligent man, and I see no problem asking for advice when, you yourself are too close to the issue. You do deserve better than you got from this closeted player. I think you did your very best. Time to move on, if, a relationship is what you truly want. And it sounds like to me that you are ready for one. But, not this one, o.k.? If he's in the closet, let him stay there....he's not for you. You deserve much better treatment. Hugs.... Rob
 

HungThickProf

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:eek:I am NOT the grammar police. :smile:
Not even a concern. I have my fair share of English foibles.

I am sorry you are going through a rough time with these knucklehedz online. (I stopped going on A4A and MANHUNT eons ago.)

This goes for anyone who is having problems dating in real-life...as well as online...if they aren't making you feel just as important as you feel about them...don't make them the priority. And you don't have to take the mistreatment. Call it out.

Dante, you deserve the best and it is not him. First red flag, changing profile names on adam4adam. Second red flag, he's closeted and can't be as open with you.

First, I am sorry that you are going through this Dante. I have know you on this site for some time now and you are such a kind, sweet person and I hate to see this happen. I would have to agree with InvisibleMan, if he wanted to then he would. I have come to realize that people make time to do the things they want to do. Flaking once or twice is understandable, hell maybe even a third time but after that it becomes questionable. I hope this helps some.

It's the old ball game
Strike 3 and he is out!
This guy isn't playing the same game you are
The 4 hr calls are a waste of your time and getting your hopes up, I suspect even more so
Move on. Keep looking

It's not easy for anyone else to gain insight online.

But from your posts - not just in this thread, I mean elsewhere as well - I think you are too good for this guy. You deserve better treatment... Sometimes, people do improve, but I'm seeing no signs of that here ...

But on the other hand I would not think that sticking to purely physical sex is a good idea either. Every organism contains layers - perception and feeling, mind and soul. I think maybe you know that you feel a need for a proper relationship, somewhere deep inside. You can't force that to happen; but also it may not be a good idea to keep preventing it ...

Dante, you shine. You're a good kind man. Funny and clever and insightful. I am in no doubt that there are good matches for you out in the big wide world. There is nothing wrong with meeting online. Just be aware it is only a window on the world - not the world itself.

And I know that you know that. But sometimes we all need reminding that communication, openness, honesty, reliability, sharing experiences, and planning and reviewing it all, are things we all need to do in the real world ...

Good luck
:smile:

Dante... I know you to be a intelligent man, and I see no problem asking for advice when, you yourself are too close to the issue. You do deserve better than you got from this closeted player. I think you did your very best. Time to move on, if, a relationship is what you truly want. And it sounds like to me that you are ready for one. But, not this one, o.k.? If he's in the closet, let him stay there....he's not for you. You deserve much better treatment. Hugs.... Rob


I wanted to say thank you all for the advice, and thank you all for the very kind words. It's strange that I've never really engaged in conversations with some of you, but you've noticed what I've posted in the past, and I appreciate that more than you know. I just wanted you all to know that.

I'll tell you that I signed on to adam4adam to respond to some messages that I Saw that I had, and when I looked in my mailbox, I saw that he was online. I called him and he didn't answer. I sent him a message and I told him that I didn't know what he wanted from me or what he was looking for, but I hope that he finds it. I also told him that if he ever wants to talk, he knows how to reach me. He responded to the message and told me that he hadn't been at his computer for some time, which I believed because he had been signed on for a bit, it took him a while to even read my message, and I know that he often just walks away from the computer (it's so fucked up that I know this much about the habits of this individual). He also stated that he was on his way to a friend's a house and that we would talk about this more in detail when he had more time. My attitude towards it now isn't as invested as I once was. And the benefit of the continued disappointment has desensitized me a bit.

I've shared with him in the past that I understand his situation- he doesn't have the luxury to be open and honest at this point in his life with his friends and family. With that being stated, I would need better communication. The reason why I was/am cool with him being closeted is because my relationship with him would be no one's business but our own, which I like. Of course, after the relationship had been established with time, and we could say that we loved one another, I wouldn't feel comfortable being the dirty little secret; if he had a girlfriend or wife, I'd tell him to fuck off because I know he'd never leave them- he's stated that he's single. He knows that I'm a dominant personality, which turns him on, so he knows that I'm going to speak my mind regardless of the outcome.

If it was just sex, it wouldn't be an issue but he pursued me for the relationship. According to him, he doesn't sleep around- he has to have an emotional connection when it comes to men (women are a bit different, and any concerns about that have never crossed my mind). Please understand though, as much as I care for him and I would like to see things work out, I care about myself even more. I'm not the kind of man to let any man treat me like shit. And with me being a person who people often to turn to for advice, I know that I would have given others the same advice as you all have given me. It's weird when you're in the situation and there are so many variables to consider.

Dating just seems hard- people don't seem to be as forthcoming as they claim, which sucks. I know that it's not the case for everyone, but what the hell...
 
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Aww, Dante. :(

Tbh, it sounds like a lost cause. It's a shame because it sounds like it could have gone somewhere if he was more mature/less closeted/better mannered.

I'm not sure what the deal is with him, but he obviously has commitment issues - and no realisation of how to treat people. If it were me... I'd cut my losses and beat a retreat. There seems to be a bad pattern emerging in his behaviour, and it's likely you'll get hurt if you pursue it further. :( Shame tho.

Sorry, dude - and I further others' comments... you're too good for him!

PS: I'm pretty closety irl, but even I know you don't bail on people without explaining! Gah. Bin him. :)
 

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Dante, please, please move on with your own life. I know you don't want to take advice from a 62 year old, but... If it's this difficult now to get to know him, you never will.
 

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You do deserve better than this messed up situation. It does sound like he is interested in you, but he keeps on making up excuses and not following through with plans. He doesn't even show you the respect by apologizing or even trying to make it up to you. A relationship won't work if both people don't put in the effort. I've been there before with girls and even now with guys and it sucks! I've learned to never waste your time on anyone who doesn't care for you or doesn't show you the same respect you show them. Sometimes it's better to let go of someone/something even if it's what you want, because it's not always good for you.

You're a good guy for keeping at it, and trying to make it work. I don't have the time or patience for that anymore. I just walk away if someone fucks up once and can't own up to their mistakes. If I can see it going somewhere I'm willing to put in the effort for a second chance, but it always ends up in disappointment. Move on from him, and before you know it, you'll meet the guy you've been looking for!
 

HungThickProf

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You do deserve better than this messed up situation. It does sound like he is interested in you, but he keeps on making up excuses and not following through with plans. He doesn't even show you the respect by apologizing or even trying to make it up to you. A relationship won't work if both people don't put in the effort. I've been there before with girls and even now with guys and it sucks! I've learned to never waste your time on anyone who doesn't care for you or doesn't show you the same respect you show them. Sometimes it's better to let go of someone/something even if it's what you want, because it's not always good for you.

You're a good guy for keeping at it, and trying to make it work. I don't have the time or patience for that anymore. I just walk away if someone fucks up once and can't own up to their mistakes. If I can see it going somewhere I'm willing to put in the effort for a second chance, but it always ends up in disappointment. Move on from him, and before you know it, you'll meet the guy you've been looking for!

Thank you for your kind words and your perspective :) Much obliged.
 

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I'm 63, just turned in October. Been around the block in both the hetero-world & with some in the gay world. Getting a Commitment from someone in any relationship, requires that both of you give something up, that is holding you back. He's not willing to give up his closeted lifestyle. Yes I know that a lifestyle is supposed to be a matter of choice, however... It seems to me that's what he has chosen to do for himself, live the life of an emotional hermit. You can't wait for him to get off the dime. You need to move on.
 

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He sounds very self-absorbed, plus the two hour distance thing is hard for some, especially when you don't have much of a history together, even though from your point of view, the time spent together has been very good.