The Life and times of Mr. Johnson : The diaries

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inquiringmind: (This is the first installment of the curious diaries of Mr.Johnson - A typical morning entry)  


6:00 am (The Bedroom of Mr.Johnson)  

Heh,Buddy did you hear that alarm? I don't know how you didn't . Heh, it's time to get up. I would appreciate if you would get up and take me to the little boy's room! You know, I would have gotten up and gone myself but last time I checked I DONT HAVE ANY ARMS OR LEGS!  Can you believe it? Who would have made me with a head, one eye and no arms and legs, go figure. OH,WELL IT"S TIME FOR MORE DIRECT MEASURES! Oh, you did hear me ! Don't look so shocked that I escaped from the straight jacket you tried to put me in last night. Some times a guy has to take a stand about things that are important. It is important for you to get some sleep and IT IS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO GET RID OF ALL OF THIS JUNK YOU GAVE ME TO CARRY LAST NIGHT! Let's see... 4 bud lights was  it? After 4, let me tell you, that Bud was not light!
That's right.. first the left foot, then the right foot. Now stand up. Heh don't try to push me down and shut me up. If you had listened to me in the first place I would'nt have... Hey that feels nice... hmm ...a little over to the left . Yeah thats great I was getting a little stiff. Now , head for the bathroom, buster! Ok, now the big event. All stations alert. Heh guy, stand up straight! Put your hand there , ready set, "Let 'er rip!"
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Whew, I thought I was going to have to stay like that for a while. Now, wipe my face, thats it. Heh, heh what are you doing ? Did I say I wanted to go back in there. Heh, heh  the lights are out in here. Did you forget to pay the light bill again? You know, I get a bad rap. If only  the big head would think as well as I do this guy would be way ahead of the game ...
(to be continued...)


R. Johnson

 

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inquiringmind: 6:05 am (Showertime!)

Ok, now make sure you get the temperature  of the water just right, I don't know the times we have had to talk about this. Hmm,Hmm,Hmm. Heh Guy, who told you could sing? You sound like that tom cat from across the fence when he is  in heat. Now that I think about it.... there isn't that much difference between the two of you! I must say your behavior last night was outrageous. We are going to have to have a serious talk about the , Oooooh, that's what I 'm talking about! Yeah, now put a little soap on my face and head.Make sure you  don't get it in my eye.  Yeah , underneath my chin, you know that is my favorite spot. Now down my back .Did I ever tell you you had talented hands?...   Guy you are making  me want to sing now, " I need a lover with a slow hand , I want some body with an easy touch, I want some body who will spend ..." Heh, what the hell! Who invited her in here? Heh lady can you see that some serious male bonding is going on here? this is just what we need! This chick would'nt know a slow hand if it hit her in the head! Oh, no! There they go again.I can't stand it. If she had an IQ equal to her mammary measurements she might at least be heading in the right direction. I have got to talk to him about this. He can't see the forest for the tits! Like I have always said its not what is on the outside but its the inside that counts. At least for me it is. Pookie Poo? What! Lady does this great big lug look like a "pookie poo" to you? That's like calling a great dane "sweetums"! You are talking to a grown ass man!  Hold up! not the hand! Could you slow down there? You are not shucking corn, lady! Do you think you're doing something? You are calling me what? Killer! Next time you see a killer you can kiss and lick him!  This is always what happens . He always uses me to get their attention and then he lets them use and abuse me at their will. I am more than just  9 and 3/4  inches of grade A beef here. I'm a sensitive kinda guy!  I have even been known to shed a tear or two at particularly moving moments. He has got to get  
rid of this one though... You can always spot them . She is a text book case playah hater! You know what she said the first time he introduced us? Get that "thing" away from me! Yeah, well thats not what she said last night  once I got moving and grooving! Ok, enough, enough. I am ready for the towel, sir! Ok Ok heh if you touch me again lady you are going to draw back a nub! If you think what she did to me was bad you should see what she did to my buddies in the apartment below me! It gives me the chills. Well, I am checking out now but I 'll be back. We have a full day at work ahead of us. Till later, Ciao!

R. "Killer" Johnson

 

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inquiringmind: 10:30 am (Hard at work)

Hi, I am sitting here suffocating in the dungeon of "Pookie  Poo's" hellishly inadequate joe boxers. To add insult to injury they have teddy bears on them! What self respecting bonafide playah wears drawers with Teddy bears!  I don't know why he wears these things. Did he consult me about his decision,no he did not. Besides, they were a gift from ... you guessed it, enemy # 1 , Ms. Magnificent Mammaries! But I have a plan... or my name isn't , Mr.  Richard Johnson! Yeah Miss Thing has a plan... First she starts by leaving her stuff over at the crib, then she starts choosin' the shorts, next she will be tellin' him  how to make me behave. Well, I ain't havin it! I am a free range kinda chicken.  I am not tryin'  to get choked, at least by the likes of her! No sir, Pookie Poo has to decide whether he's a real man or a baby lookin' for some mama's milk. Frankly ,If you can have the cow for free why buy it, but who askin' me! Here's my plan...  luckily I think I can enlist the assistance of the  big head, the eyes, and my man, the love doctor himself , the testoterone kid! IF we can work together, I can really cut up today and make him think ( big head's job) that perhaps he doesn't want to turn in his playah card quite so soon. There are a number of fine lookin' execubabes struttin' their stuff through out the office who are always lookin' for a little no strings fun. Heh, and with me on his side how can he lose? I just get the testosterone kid to really kick up his little 30 second  luv surges, to get the old eyes rovin' and then I can take over . A little moving and groovin here and there especially when in range of the prey and we have a running start. Now its big head's turn to tell Pookie Poo he needs some water. That's right, the old water cooler trick. Now the testosterone kid is whispering sweet nothings in his ear about the nearly non existent skirt on that one right there, and Badda bing! Yeah, baby get the mojo juices workin' ! I'm feeling stronger already. In fact, I feel so good I think I need to take a stretch. A nice long one. Work it, baby work it ! Am I good or am I good! I can feel her  laser beam's riveted on yours truly as we speak! So you want to take me out for a test drive , huh? Heh not so fast I'm not that kind of guy. Do you think I just come out and play with the first Tom.Dick or Harriet who expresses interest? You damn skippy! Get the digits boyo and then we can plan our attack for later. I think there just might be light at the end of this tunnel. And judging from my highly sensitive intuition what a tunnel it might be. You know I'm an inside kinda guy! What I do for this guy! Can you believe it . Now a trip to the little boys room. We'll talk later, over and out!  


The triumphant R. Johnson

( comments please! )

 

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dotadone: that is pretty good, but I'm Dot Baddog and I live with Mr. Dotadone, I'm generally mean, il- tempered "hard headed" un repentive and stubborn. Mr. Dotadone never listens to me has an opinion about everything I want to do and is not so good humored, but thanks for reconizing us big fellas here in Downtown .oh yeah im tired of people saying im just being a dick :

 

[13788]

inquiringmind: 2:00 pm (In the office)

Hi,

We just got back from a rather extended lunch. I am happy to say that my plan is beginning to work quite well. After the water cooler stunt, Pookie Poo did get the digits and arranged  an assignation with Ms. Execubabe. (See, I know some big words!) Well, in Ms Thing's insatiable need for control she made a serious tactical error. She came to the office uninvited... before you lose it , mind you this all worked to Pookie Poo's advantage whether he realizes it yet or not...  Thinking she would surprise him with  bread , a bottle of whine and herself she got a little surprise in return... That's right, Ms Execubabe sans her now non existant skirt already serving lunch, if you know what I mean... and as an added bonus I was sampled in return ( I'll tell you all about it in painfully delicious detail later)I am sure she will attest it was a vintage rare, if  I might say so myself!
Heh, When you catch or get caught the best thing to do is take a bow... out that is. Well Ms. Thing never was one for taking hints and she made quite a scene. So much so that she had to be escorted out. Pookie Poo better thank his lucky stars that his Daddy owns the company or he would be out on his... RIght now I am carefully tucked away and laying low, really low. But fear not Ms. Execubabe is the adventurous sort. She wanted a reprise this weekend. I am somewhat looking forward to a picnic al fresco maybe even au naturel. Heh I'm an international kinda guy! Who knows what this night may hold or who's hand will be holding it. Whatever come I know I am up to the challenge. Later.

From under the table,

Whupped but happy R. Johnson




   

 

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inquiringmind: 9:30 pm ( hell to pay)

As you can probably guess from the title of this entry, Ms Thing does not take rejection well. You know it is really funny... you don't really know who is psycho and who isn't until you add the element of rejection. Well.... Pookie Poo ( who at this point is now Dookie Doo!) found out that he had an A-1 poster child for mental illness on his hands. Tonight when he walked into the loft,  let's say the house was not as he left it! The living room was trashed , the bedroom blown apart with knife holes in the pillows ( What a difference a day makes! ) and the answering machine over flowing with messages where soon to be deleted expletives served as noun,verb, adverb, adjective, etc. you get the picture. Now I am not saying that she might not have felt justified in her actions... Hell hath no fury! But come on!!! This went way over the edge and into scaryville!  
Well, I told you I had a feeling and now Pookie Poo, I mean Carter, has a 10,000.00 repair bill. A rather expensive love token. But fear not !The little head comes to the rescue! To console himself, I urged him to switch to the playboy channel and drown his sorrows in some rather "heavenly bodies" with a little more of that male bonding action happening on the home front. Oh well, all in a day's work and play when Mr. R. Johnson is in the house ! Have a good night sleep. I'm signing off till the next time.

R.J. on the down low     

 

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inquiringmind: 7:15 pm (Good use of a blackout)

Heh,
I know, long time no hear. Well, I have been a busy boy! Can I pick them, or can I pick them! Well, Ms Execubabe , Taylor, got caught over at our place during the storm, so  we made very good use of the quiet time.  I  am trying to recover from my rather rigorous workout, but she can do some nasty things with olive oil! Ooo, La,La! Well, I am getting ahead of myself! Carter had planned to have her over for dinner any way and he was going to show her his culinary expertise by cooking dinner. He ended up chickening out and getting some take out from a local indian restaurant.  They were having a delightful meal, when all of a sudden the lights went out. No problem! If nothing else, big C is resourceful! Out came the tapers and the environment was even more romantic.  Luckily, they were not that far from the sofa after they finished eating, so things really started heating up. Off came the shoes, socks , pants ,shirts.skirt, you get the picture.  Well, this woman just happens to be very skilled at tantric massage. She just reached over to the counter top and got her hands on the extra virgin( the only thing in the house that was!) olive oil and threw Carter down faster than  a rodeo champ can wrestle a calf to the ground! They slid to the floor and took the cushions off the sofa and propped up his head, put one under his glorious glutes and one under each knee. She fully intended for me to be the star of this show! Well, it didn't take much to get me involved . You know I like attention! She grabbed me like she was rolling a loaf of bread and just like any bread worth its leavening boy did I rise to the occassion! She slathered that olive oil on me like she was going to roast me in the oven ( come to think of it that was her intent, but lets not get ahead of ourselves!) Carter must have been enjoying himself too because he started bucking like a prize stallion.  She slid her hand up and down my lithe form with such style and grace it brought tears to my eye! She then took her tongue and started at the top and worked her way all the way down to the root of the matter! She then served dessert by generously stroking the purple plums that Carter keeps hidden most of the time . Well, he was totally out done and about to top it off with his own brand of whipped cream when she stopped! She then worked on his chest for awhile and and started back with me for six similar episodes! By the end of the fifth session , I wanted to cry" uncle! ",but she was screamin' "Daddy! " so I had to oblige her. Hey , I could never resist a woman in need of my services! They ended up in a tangle on the floor and woke up the next morning tired but satiated. It was the best seven course meal I ever had!  Well, I am in the shower with Carter now getting ready  to go to her place tonight. Heh, it's only fair that he return the favor. I will fill you in on all of the details when we return.

Rolled,rubbed and ready Johnson    

 

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inquiringmind: 1: 29 am ( too much of a good thing)

Wheh, I need a break and Carter here needs to go to SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) a Johnson control center or whatever can save me from an untimely death! Be careful what you wish for you just might get it. Remember my great idea of enlisting , the big head, testoterone kid and the eyes in attracting the execubabe Taylor? Well, if I could do it all over again I would , Now do not get me wrong, I am sooooooo glad that Ms.Thing is gone but this woman makes me want to seceed from the union! I need some rest. Has she ever heard of a woman's best friend? Get vibrator, babe. Save me for special occassions.Carter has to get himself together. She whipped him with that Lingam massage. Now she can't keep her hands off of me! IT doesn't matter to her. She makes me wax Suessian here. ..She loves to touch me in the house, she loves to touch me with a mouse ( don't even ask! ) she loves to touch me here and there , She loves to touch me everywhere! Do I look Like green eggs and ham? I do not like it ,Taylor Ma'am! Now I don't mind a little love but I need some me time! These women really do need to get it together and Carter needs to keep his fly together! I am sick of being battered and bruised at the end of one of his no holes barred sessions of lust! I am curling up into the fetal position now. Carter, all you can do for me is get me a nice pack of ice.Don't even touch me, you Neanderthal! You are going to pay for this, buddy!!!!!

Richard (PJ aka Puny) Johnson

 

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inquiringmind: 2:00pm ( Stupid human tricks)

Hi,

I am fully recovered and Carter for once is thinking with the big head instead of using mine to excuse his stupid human behavior. Well, we ( unfortunately secesssion was not an option) are here at the gym this afternoon for our daily run on the treadmill. Can I say something, riding in this athletic torture chamber is no picnic. I don't need to do yoga, I have my own little kundalini session right here snuggly close to Carter. Since I am not exactl y a discreet size, he has devised yet another stupid human trick to hide me. I don't mind curling up when I need to but flexiblilty only goes so far. So, not only can I not breathe but I am forced to do a downward dog backwards in this slingshot from hell! Lets not talk about his feigned attempts at jogging on this thing! How many times do I have to tell him I am not into masochism! To make matters worse the wonder twins keep jumping up and popping me in time to his lumbering feet. Whooo! Thank you ,Thank you... Now I can finally have a rest.. Could it be, are we... Yes, Valhalla aka the Shower!!! That's right, get me out of here as soon as possible!!! Yeah ,I 'm singin', yes indeed ,I'm swingin ,look at me ! ( heh, this is my version of the song!) This is my favorite part about coming to the gym. I get to see my buddies. "Heh, Dick.. how's it hangin' man!( He is a pretty cool guy just a little bent, if you know what I mean) . Heh,heh, Pete, is he still puttin' you in the suction thing? Wow, these humans, I know just hang in there guy.(Dream on, Sucker!) Cocky my boy, still as red as ever! Thanks man I know I just got lucky like this. But don't give up I was once your size but over night look at me now.( Not on your life, you little prick! I know how you screwed Carter over with that last account!) Heh guys, don't hate me because I'm big and swingin'. Don't hate a playah, man , what can I say!!!!" (I love this, I know its evil but these guys are pathetic. I don't care what they say but it is here, the shower that is the great equalizer) Look at Carter, he loves it too. once again using me for his pleasure. Well, I guess it is the price of beauty. What so soon? That's right, rub me down good. Now, the talcum... Heh, do I have to? ( whine,whine) OK. Well, 'by for now, but tune again for the adventures of Carter and his amazing  third leg!

Smuggly,

Big and Swingin' Johnson    

 

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inquiringmind: 4:28 pm ( the warmth of the sun)

Well, Carter is really losing his mind . Ms Taylor and he are taking their first weekend trip. We are here in the bungalow preparing to go out for a swim. I guess he was inspired by that inane Michael Franks song about the bungalow for two. (Gag! It's three, buddy!) Oh isn't she an eyeful in that sarong. Baby, I will be your Gauguin!Badda Bing and off it comes! (Cover your eyes children, you are not ready for this body! ) Now its my turn, (ain't this sweet, I thought "I show you mine if you will show me yours" ended in Kindergarten!) Down down down we go round round round we go! Heh buddy watch those knees! Amazing how lubricating water can be! Climb that tree, baby and play with the coconuts!Ok, enough of this heh(Gurgle, gurgle!) I'm getting old before my time in this water. I have enough wrinkles as it is! Take me out of here. I came to get a tan, not to turn white as the underside of a... Ahhhhhh, the warmth of the sun. That feels great having the sun shining down on my wrinkled remains. Heh ,I didn't say I wanted to play. Just let me sunbathe in peace. Ok , if you insist. That feels nice. I am always a sucker for some warm oil. Oooooooh yeah, rub it in good. Heh that is enough.I want to be able to last the weekend .Good things come to those who wait....

Rubbed rosy not raw Johnson  

 

[naughty]

"Bump" I wrote this under my first LPSG name I thought you all might like it so I am bringing it back to life....:biggrin1:

 

[Mr. Snakey]

My dear the things you have tucked away are simply wonderfull..........:smile:

 

[naughty]

My dear the things you have tucked away are simply wonderfull..........:smile:

No, my deah.... YOU are the one! :wink: