The Nurse

Discussion in 'Fictitious Stories' started by B_btrelll, May 23, 2007.

  1. B_btrelll

    B_btrelll New Member

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    john had a well big willy and he was in hospital because he hurt his bum and his nurse had big tits and she said "your cock is huge" then they had sex and it was really nice for both of them

    the end
     
  2. rob_just_rob

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    Nice story. You might want to flesh out the characters a bit more, to give us an idea of what makes them tick, their fantasies and experiences.

    Dialogue is powerful. The depiction of the slow buildup to sex through dialogue can turn a mundane story into an erotic one. Good use of dialogue to indicate interest on the part of the nurse, but some further banter or hot talk between her and John would enliven the story.

    Also, not to nitpick, but where are:
    a) the humiliated husband of the nurse
    b) the creampie scene
    c) the reference to the race of the main character
    d) the down-to-the-millimeter vital statistics of the characters.
    e) the reference to previous partners and how they compared.

    No large penis themed story is complete without one of the preceding elements. So, despite the first line of my review... your story fails.

    :biggrin:
     
  3. Big Dreamer

    Big Dreamer New Member

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    Ummmm.... if he hurt his bum, would he not be laying on his stomach on the hospital bed to avoid irritating the wound? How would the nurse have seen the "well big willy" based on her limited vantage point?

    I'm seeing a few plot holes in an otherwise blockbuster of a story.
     
  4. Redflame

    Redflame New Member

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    Don't be so rude rob... btrell posted a lovely story written by his 5 year old son.
     
  5. rob_just_rob

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    If the character John was actually 5 years old, that would make this a hot story. :tongue:
     
  6. B_btrelll

    B_btrelll New Member

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    I'm working on a second story where John eats some soup, but I don't know which kind yet.
     
  7. Redflame

    Redflame New Member

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    Ewwww... you might want to rethink that.
     
  8. rob_just_rob

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    You do realize that this entire thread is tongue in cheek, right? :rolleyes:
     
  9. Big Dreamer

    Big Dreamer New Member

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    Might I suggest hiring an editor at this point of your literary career?
     
  10. rob_just_rob

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    I eagerly anticipate the new direction in which you are taking this character.
     
  11. B_btrelll

    B_btrelll New Member

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    Good idea. I think my writing could do with being cut down and simplified.
     
  12. burns1de

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    This was such a hot story, I jacked off furiously to it.
     
  13. Big Dreamer

    Big Dreamer New Member

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    Precisely. Your editor will tell you that the type of soup isn't important, and that you just risk a law suit if you present a specific brand of soup in a negative setting. Remember, Johnny is no angel and soup is an inherently wholesome product.
     
  14. B_btrelll

    B_btrelll New Member

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    Thanks for the advice. So do you think I should drop the soup and instead have him put his winkle in a cheerleader?
     
  15. Big Dreamer

    Big Dreamer New Member

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    *checks mailbox and it's empty.... no cheque* You've gotta pay your editor before he starts helping to shape your masterpiece.
     
  16. Ethyl

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    I think you should have the cheerleeder put his winkle in the soup.
     
  17. Big Dreamer

    Big Dreamer New Member

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    *Makes mental note to keep a keen eye on my dinner plate if I ever dine at MB's house.*
     
  18. Ethyl

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    I make a mean vichysoisse. :tongue:
     
  19. Lordpendragon

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    Typical sexist male orientated filth.

    Big willy, yeah, he has a name, John (what a surprise :tongue: ), whilst Nurse, yeah, she just has big tits. Wanker.

    I suppose the cheerleader will just be known as pneumatic cunt, yeah.

    Get a life you pervert chauvinist shit head pigtard.

    BTW - I like the bit about the big tits, and the big willy. Can you do one where John meets say a Secretary of State, called deep throat.
     
  20. SpoiledPrincess

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    I enjoyed the clipped narrative, the writer's almost bleak delivery had a feel of post apocalyptic literature, cut down to the bone with no fancy extras. I suggest a nun instead of a cheerleader.
     
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