1. BigPoppaFury

    BigPoppaFury Member

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    Last year I fell in love with a girl and we had an incredible time together. Sadly things didn't work out and after attempting at various points since August to become good friends I finally cut off all contact with her about six weeks ago. She said that she couldn't get over me and I knew it was the best way because I was convinced that no matter how much we wanted it the way it was it probably wouldn't ever be and it was argument after argument, doing neither of us any good.

    Since then I've lost the anger I had towards her and I'm now going insane missing her. I remembered telling a friend while she and I were together that I thought she was the one I'd stay with forever and in all honesty I still haven't met anyone who even comes close.

    I have one close friend who says I should get in touch with her, that maybe we can work it out. My problem is that I was the one who cut off contact, she didn't want to. As far as I know, she's met someone else, or is getting on with her life and becoming happy again, I'm scared to spoil that.

    I suppose I'm asking the older, wiser members of the board what I should do. Indulge myself and risk hurting her more? Stick by the clear decision I made six weeks ago? Hope that fate brings us back together again? Have you ever been in a similar situation, if so- what did you do?

    This by far the whiniest thing I've ever done in public..
     
  2. Gisella

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    Hey BigPoppa

    I was in kid of same more or less situation than you are...and thought he was the one too, but now i find out that he is not...i broke up and et...we start to fight a lot and i dont like that...i hate silence treatment and tatics to brake all dialogues...well...i too missed him a lot but now i know after a while that we do not belong together...now we are in civilized exchanges but because the sex was great and we are similar in some areas i have to be strong when he insist going out with me again...because for me would be just physical because i trully do not accept in him his behavior style in communicating that cut me off i cant handle that as a behavior in a relationship - it pushes me away acting like that. Im a kind of person that express my feelings cant get mad for 10 min but will not carry resentments at all...in 30 min i will be ok...giving and accepting sorries... I need good communication without fights...he say he will change but i do not believe he will...i dont want he changes trully...i respect the way he is but dont want have a love relationship with him anymore.

    My "the one" will be already "fixed" in this matter of good communication he will have a style that not crash with my style.

    Hope the best for you...
     
  3. Ethyl

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    You're not whining. It takes courage to ask others for help. I, too, fell in love last year and it didn't work out. I avoided contact with my ex because I knew I needed the time to experience the pain and to allow myself to heal. Sometimes I think of him and miss the good times, but more importantly i've learned so much about myself: what my boundaries are, what and who are most important to me, what my expectations are, what I will or won't do in a relationship, etc. I don't think I would've learned any of these lessons if I had kept in contact with him. It's very difficult for a person to objectively assess their role in a passionate relationship if the emotional ties are still active. Sometimes feelings get in the way of reason. That's why millions of people do stupid things in the name of love.

    My questions to you: Do you still love her? Can you imagine not having her in your life ever again? Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to make the relationship a reality again? Because if she's having difficulty getting over you, it will take a long time for her to heal. Unless you know exactly what you want, are willing to go the distance with her, and know you can demonstrate your love without reserve, I would suggest you leave her alone so that she can heal. It's natural to miss someone you once loved, but that shouldn't be the reason for contacting her again, especially if you're responsible for the severed ties. That was a very final decision you made and you had your reasons for doing so. Are those reasons still valid to you? If not, why the change of mind now? As you mentioned, she may be trying to move on with her life and would prefer to not hear from you. Be prepared for that if you try to contact her again.

    Whatever you decide, know this: if you've loved once, you can do it again.
     
  4. ChuckRich

    ChuckRich New Member

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    I have to admit I don't have much personal experience to go on but my advice is that if it didn't work out the first time, and the reasons for that really haven't changed, it's probably not going go the same way again. If you think you two can really be just friends then you should give it a shot but if you really want to get back together as a couple you're just taking the same trip again and it'll probably end up in the same place.
     
  5. dong20

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    I'm in a similar situation, some while after the end of an almost 6 years relationship. I want to maintain contact so much it's almost 'physical' but I know it does me no good to do so right now. It would be like opening a slowly healing wound all over again. I was convinced from the start that she was 'the one' in a way that shook me up and down like a rag doll and the crater it's made in my confidence to judge these things could be seen from space.

    I know it's not much help but age doesn't dull such pain, you just recognize it like old friend or rather a bad penny. No advice will solve it for you, you just have to deal with it in your own way and of course that is down to you. But if it's any solace you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

    I will make contact again when I have some emotional 'no mans land' established but while I still fluctuate between anger and sadness and a terrible sense of emptiness I know I'll do neither of us any favours by doing so. Perhaps that's the only thing experience really teaches you, but it's a damn crappy lesson to have to endure more than once.

    Get well soon....
     
  6. Latiszari

    Latiszari New Member

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    You can try to talk whit her, telling her that you regret that decision of six weeks ago. Maybe she isn't experiencing a new relationship, and she miss you. If she has met a guy, maybe is only cause she wants a person on her life to compensate your lack. You have to try again whit her; till you will'haven't tried it, you shalln't know if that was the right thing to do.
     
  7. Matthew

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    It's no surprise that you are tempted to get back with her - the emotional and physical things that attracted you to each other still exist.

    But the question to think about is what would make things go down any different this time?
     
  8. Sam Beckett

    Sam Beckett New Member

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    Well my www.colorquiz.com results say I can get sexual satisfaction from sex (yes!) but that I don't get any deep emotional connection from it (has its advantages).

    My thinking is one day, I will meet a woman who will move me and I will have some deep longing, belonging, and long sessions of mind blowing sex bestowed on me by her.

    For now though, I go with ze flow. But girls piss me off, my last one FLIPPED and went fucking MENTAL after I took half a teaspoon of cough medicine too much (over the dosage). I'm lucky to be alive!:rolleyes:

    So I don't need that shit, and she is gone. She was way too serious, thought laughin was French for rabbit or some shit. And she wasn't happy with me, despite me being very happy with myself.

    My (other?) point is, as long as you're happy, you don't need anyone else. If someone expects you to change, or is not happy for/with you they should be removed from your immediate area
    Code:
     post haste.  Maybe I've taken things a bit too far here...
    
    But you could do better.  Of course she misses you, you're a fucking catch!  I tell myself that all the time, so should you.  There's someone so much better than your ex, in every way you can think of and even in the ways you can't, that it will blow your mind when you do meet her.
    
    Move on.
     
  9. BigPoppaFury

    BigPoppaFury Member

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    Firstly thank you everyone who took time to write, it's greatly appreciated.

    Sam Beckett (Quantum Leap is the shit by the way), you sound very much like me. I meet a lot of girls, but no matter how long it goes on for I invariably end up picking holes in them in my head until I'm left with no desire for them whatsoever. This girl was different, she wasn't immune from my stupidly picky nature (and before anyone points out, I KNOW I'm nothing special, it's just a natural reaction, if I could be easier to please I would be) but she was amazing, her good points made the bad irrelevant.

    I do still love her. Truly, I never met anyone like her in my life. I'd been in love once before her and I was over that girl a year later. What's stopping me this time? I don't know.

    I think perhaps the best course would be to deal with it. I made my decision and it's just not fair to mess with her head more.
     
  10. Sam Beckett

    Sam Beckett New Member

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    There are plenty more fish in the sea...like today I met a girl for a drink in the local. She is infinitely hotter and better to get on with than my ex, we can have a laugh. Except she smokes, which I don't like but its no big deal, since we're hardly an item. She did say she could meet me tomorrow but I've got shit to do so I said we'll see :p

    Just keep away from her, and sooner or later (usually its sooner) you'll find someone much better.

    Another thing is, every love (aka girl) is better than the one before it. Maybe, deep down and at the root it isnt. But 99%, if not 100% of guys and especially girls will say about their new partner/love 'I've never felt this way about someone before'. So if you just deal with it, keep your eyes open you will find a replacement that is even better than this last girl.
     
  11. philboy

    philboy New Member

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    There is a time in most relationships (not all) when it is right to move on.
    Often it is very traumatic and difficult to get thro the early stages. But if the cake is baked and eaten you can rarely recover it.
    My instinct is that you would both be in for more of the same grief if you tried to regenerate the relationship.
    Move on and let her do the same but both do so without bitterness and if possible remain friends.
    My personal experience (many times) is that remaining affable (which is initially against all instincts) will help your personal growth and spirituality more than you realise at the present time.
     
  12. chicagosam

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    It's a difficult thing to walk away from "the one." I've done it. It was devastating. It took forever to get over. The decision to leave is the easiest part. Following through is the hardest part. Loving someone, and being able to be with each other, are two different things. You obviously realized that you didn't work together. You also probabably did the best thing for both of you in moving on. It was an act of love, not only for her, but for you. In retrospect, for me, I did the right thing. My life was being drained by staying in the relationship. I needed to get back to being me. I left and placed myself where I could not be contacted. And life has gone on very nicely since, even though it took time to get to this point! There is light at the end of the tunnel. I reached a point where I could look at the relationshiop as not what I had lost, but for what I had while I was in it. I am truly grateful for that time and the experience. We are both much better for it. I loved this person enough to say goodbye. And still, there are times when I think of how great it would be to travel that road again, and then I stop, realize how great life has been for me since, wish "the one" great love and happiness, and am very happy that I don't have to travel that road again.

    I think you are doing the right thing. Be strong.
     
  13. B_hungrick

    B_hungrick New Member

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    To me the relationships that work best are ones when each person is independent, and neither person is too needy. So for me it's the balance and the indepedence together. With my current g/f we seem to fluctuate between these two points,but we always end up just wanting to be together because it feels right, not because one of us needs some temporary help. When you know yourself real well is when the best relationships seem to drop out of nowhere. All the best to you.
     
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