The problem of "size queens"

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digibacker: Hi guys. This post is mainly for the gay and bi members of the group, but by all means ring in even if you're straight and have some input on the topic.

On various posts, the issue of "size queens" has come up. For the most part, size queens are an annoyance to the well-hung crowd, who, quite understandably, resent being sought after simply because they're hung -- there's a whole person there as well.

But I'm a guy who often finds myself on the other end of the equation. I don't consider myself a "size queen," but I'm often labeled as one. The problem is, I AM attracted (at least initially) to well hung men. I actively seek them out because, quite honestly, I know I can take their size (I'll avoid getting too graphic here, but lets just say I could take anyone with up to 14" long or 11" around.)

The difficulty comes if the topic is broached in correspondence (I generally meet guys through online boards and personals). If I let a well-hung guy know that's something I'm interested in, he often assumes that's the only reason I'm interested in him and brushes me off as yet another size-obsessed, desperate queer.

But that's quite far from the truth. Yes, his endowment was something I was attracted to, but I don't consider that any different than being interested in people with particular hair colors, builds or hobbies. It's just another trait someone looks for in a prospective partner. And certainly, regardless of any of those things, it all comes down to how well the two people get along and if they're attracted to one another, as any reasonable person would expect.

The trouble is, I usually don't get the chance to find out. I find I'm being discriminated against because I'm attracted to well-endowed guys. They like being admired, but only so far.

So, my initial questions for the group are:

- If you're well-hung, at what point does the interest someone shows in your endowment cross over from flattery to annoyance?

- What signals make you think someone is a "size queen?"

(For the record, I detest the term "size 'queen'" because, at least in my case, I'm actually quite masculine. )

And BTW, don't try and pass off that last one as, "hey, he's just trying to harvest tips to avoid being found out." I'm honestly keen to see a real discussion about this one, so also feel free to add any other comments/questions regardless of what side of the equation you've dealt with this topic.

 

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sammygirly: Yeah, I'm not so fond of that label either and adamantly deny that I am a size queen. Just so happens I fell in love with a well endowed man...

...but that's an interesting point. If I say that I'm attracted to a man's blue eyes - does that make me a shallow "eye colour queen"?

~sits in the middle of the thread and waits to see this discussion~

 

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7x6andchg: Well I'll weigh in...

I think the difference between a queen/duke and an admirer, I think, comes somewhere along the lines of searching for one's mate solely by that single quality.

As you point out, sometimes in chat rooms or boards it can be hard to point out that you're interested in more than that.  Perhaps saving it for last and making it a surprise?  However, as a straight male I don't have any experience in how often or when such conversation would come up when meeting gay or bisexual males, so perhaps that isn't an option.

Sammygirly has a point above, too...does it transfer to other body parts?  Does it do so more with large penises? ...I guess it is a hard thing to avoid doing sometimes if you truly find that body part attractive to avoid fixating on it...

Ok so this post was no help to you, I'm sure...but I think the difference between flattery and annoyance comes from (a) not being able to talk about anything else and (b) ignoring or neglecting a person's other qualities for the sake of the one.  Once one of those lines are crossed, I think that's probably where it crosses over.

7x6&C

 

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croixbull: Labels, labels, labels.......

It's obvious digibacker that you need a guy that is substantial. It sounds like a physical necessity for you to seek a giant among horses. I would think an average guy would bounce around like a marble in a shoebox (so to speak) in you.

So, it a big "Whatever" on the labels. I wouldn't worry. Someone is just jealous of your substantial talents and the incredible passion you feel being fucked.

We big guys know that we need to pick our women (and guys), discretely, so that we fit. If you cock is bigger than their forearm, might not work. (Always exceptions of course) So are we (reverse) size queens, kings, dukes or just peons trying to get our head in and get laid?

Horses and talented bottoms go together.


;D CB

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

[quote author=7x6andchg link=board=relationships;num=1053674657;start=0#2 date=05/23/03 at 10:06:23]Well I'll weigh in...

I think the difference between a queen/duke and an admirer, I think, comes somewhere along the lines of searching for one's mate solely by that single quality.[/quote]

¡Bingo! I have no problem with people enjoying the sight of my cock ... in fact, I rely on it for occupational reasons. Hell, I'll be honest: I enjoy the look and feel of a big cock. But when it's the single quality that one seeks in a potential sexual partners, I find the situation sad. I've had guys come up to me after a show and the first thing they say is, "Damn, you have a big dick!" and they stare at my crotch. They couldn't tell you my hair length or eye colour because their eyes never left my groin. Those guys are a complete turn-off to me. Those are size queens. If I felt that my large cock was my only redeeming quality, I might appreciate such comments, but I feel that I have more to offer. You want a big dick, you can buy a dildo. I'm a person, not a cock with legs.

 

[txquis]

And once again, DMW says it better than i could.
My sentiments exactly.


But, in reference to the first post..yes,
I can understand attractions
toward specific things in guys...and not
just body parts either...but personality traits,
talents, etc.
You like what you like.

I am not effeminate either,
and dont like such labels.
I cringe when gay guys start in with
feminine pronouns to reference
other gay men.

But...yeah...my point of view is:
like the meat and the rest of the package
it came in.

 

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SpeedoGuy: I've been used once or twice because of my size. At the time I didn't view it as being used since I was a willing participant. It seemed flattering at the time but now I have a different feeling about it.

It didnt dawn on me during the first episode that I was being used soley for my size but after the affair was over I reflected back and then I realized it what was going on. She was almost always critical of my technique in bed but she kept coming back for more and more and more. If I was so lousy in the sack, why did she keep returning? I finally ended the relationship when I discovered she was triple timing me.

So I guess the answer to the question is: It crossed the line from flattery to annoyance when I realized she was treating me like the third dildo in her collection.

 

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getnbiggr: At the risk of maybe getting a bit off topic, I think that sammygirl has an interesting point, a few posts ago. And while the idea of being an eye-color queen sounds kinda ludicrous, there are certainly lots of musclequeens out there, and chubby-chasers, and I have a friend who clearly self-identifies as a "rice-queen" (a guy who likes to date asian men) and his long-term partner, who is asian, describes himself as a "potato-queen," (a guy who likes to date white guys...) So, in my experience, there are as many kinds of sexual turnons as there are people out there... And even a very specific turnon can be a lot of fun, particularly if it's something you can share with your partner...

The only time when this kind of specific turnon becomes a problem, at least for me, is when it eclipses the object of supposed-affection -- ie the person. When a guy likes my dick or my body or my eyes (brown, not blue), that's great... but when he likes ONLY my dick, or my body, etc, then that's a problem.

For example, sometimes I find that some guy has decided to use me as a prop in his own personal fantasy life -- he starts a conversation by saying "it must be so great to be so tall" (or built or whatever) or something like that, and it quickly becomes clear that my own opinions or personal experiences are less important to him than my presence as a fantasy-object. And this gets really tiresome and frustrating...

But when a guy is willing to connect with me as a person AND happens to be really into something specific about me, I can really get into it... Even be a bit of a showoff.

And so I try to be careful about how I express my own specific turnons (muscle and dicksize being two of them). But it can be REALLY wonderful when I happen to meet a guy that I like, who is interesting etc, and who turns me on in one of those specific ways... Particularly when we get to know each other well enough for me to really express JUST HOW HOT I think he is, or how much I enjoy the size of his dick, or his body, or whatever...

Anyways, I'm rambling now. But digibacker, I feel for you -- it's always difficult to figure out how/when to express your attractions to someone else. And that problem can become even more complicated when the person in question is maybe likely to feel objectified by that attraction... I just try to undersatnd that in advance, and make it clear that I'm not objectifying. Just appreciating.

-- J.

 

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digibacker: I can certainly understand that feeling like one is being objectified or used would be a major put-off. That makes complete sense. I just wonder, at least from my own dealings, if that conclusion is sometimes being determined just a little bit prematurely. Kind of a catch 22 -- "You want me to know you better but you won't give me the opportunity."

Or is it perhaps that many well-endowed guys have had bad experiences where they've been objectified or used and that lingers on when someone new comes along, showing just a little too much interest in that area?

Honestly, I simply can't imagine using someone just for a body part. Yes, that's an interest for me, (and, as Croix Bull surmised, slightly a need,) but not unless there's a decent person there as well and we both hit it off. Likewise, I don't cast aside average-endowed guys either. But, sadly, maybe there are more people out there like that than I realize...? Comments?

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

[quote author=digibacker link=board=relationships;num=1053674657;start=0#8 date=05/25/03 at 00:55:34]I don't cast aside average-endowed guys either. [/quote]

But there are many size queens who do just that. There have been board members here who have admitted that cock size is all that matters to them. I have personally met quite a few dude who say they will not have sex with anyone hung under 8". I'm sure I don't have to tell you that they're cheating themselves out of some great sex. I find technique, stamina and enthusiasm to be more important than endowment. What good is bedding a well-hung dude if he turns out to be a dead fuck? A big cock is no guarantee of a satisfying sexual encounter.

 

[txquis]

AMEN to that.

I was just thinking of some hookups
i've had online or on the phone...
and they have liked  pics
of my face, and what i have had to say,
and then they ask the dick size question.

i answer.

"Oh GOOD...PERFECT SIZE...but is it REALLY
that big though, cuz i met this hot guy
and he showed up and it was about 7, and...i just couldnt get into it"

We are talking about an INCH
here.
To each his own, but that attitude is a big turnoff for me

 

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View_From_Below: [quote author=digibacker link=board=relationships;num=1053674657;start=0#8 date=05/25/03 at 00:55:34]I don't cast aside average-endowed guys either. [/quote]

And hopefully there's a place in the world even for below-average guys, straight or gay, who may be just as interesting and sexy as anybody else, but who, because they are unhung, are playing against truly serious prejudice in the sexual arena. Thanks to txqis and DMW for speaking out on this.

 

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getnbiggr: [quote author=digibacker link=board=relationships;num=1053674657;start=0#8 date=05/25/03 at 00:55:34]
Or is it perhaps that many well-endowed guys have had bad experiences where they've been objectified or used and that lingers on when someone new comes along, showing just a little too much interest in that area?[/quote]

Digi, I think you've hit the nail on the head here. The problem may not simply be with the way that you are acting, but the way that your actions are part of a larger pattern for the guy you're attracted to. And so you may be expressing only a slightly heightened attraction to the idea that he's hung, but that could set off major warning bells for him... So you may have to work extra-hard to make it clear that you are interested in more than his dick. But if he is someone that you are actually interested in, and you find him all that sexy, it'll be worth the work...

And as far as the issue of "minimum size requirements" go, I find that I get that mostly from other guys who are seriously hung. I'm about 7.5X6+" uc, and while it's not huge, it's big enough to make an impressiono on most avg or smaller-than-avg guys. But when it comes to "hung clubs" or very-hung guys who like other hung guys, I generally don't make the cut. And I'm okay with that: you can't be everything to everybody. But I just thought I'd make the point that it seems, to me at least, that the size queens with the most stringent requirements are the ones who are well-hung themselves. (And this is often the case with any specific sexual interest -- I often think that the guys with the most stringent muscle-requirements are themselves the serious bodybuilders, etc...)

Thoughts?

-- J.

 

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digibacker: [quote author=getnbiggr link=board=relationships;num=1053674657;start=12#12 date=05/27/03 at 06:31:19]

So you may have to work extra-hard to make it clear that you are interested in more than his dick.

[/quote]

I think that's sound advice. What I've learned so far is that it's difficult to tell just what may be going through the other guy's mind or what his past experiences may have been, so you never know what may be the trigger that turns him away. Might be better to avoid broaching the subject at all and make sure we actually meet in person first.

[quote author=getnbiggr link=board=relationships;num=1053674657;start=12#12 date=05/27/03 at 06:31:19]

But I just thought I'd make the point that it seems, to me at least, that the size queens with the most stringent requirements are the ones who are well-hung themselves.

[/quote]

Actually, I didn't quite know how to bring that up without offending anyone here, but that's something I've noticed too. Well-hung gay guys seem to usually want other well-hung guys. I tend to avoid considering someone for a date if that's something they've written in their personal ad or online bio. (Though I may still strike up a friendly chat. In some instances, it gets snubbed out real fast because the other guy really only has one objective in mind...)
Certainly not everyone is like this, but it seems to be a trend.

In something Croixbull said earlier, "Horses and talented bottoms go together." -- Does anyone know of an online board that caters to this kind of matching?

 

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tott666: I've been thinking a bit about this size queen/objectifying issue. Like others have noticed it's not that strange or unusual to have certain preferences. Those prefs only become bothersome when they're the only things that matter.

I'm short and light blond; when I was a little bit younger I was twink material I suppose. Guess who many guys were interested in dissecting my mind? Not very many.

Still not very many, come to think of it; after all, when I go out to cafes, bars and clubs those are settings that don't encourage deep intellectual probing...

;D

 

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PowerDave: [quote author=View_From_Below link=board=relationships;num=1053674657;start=0#11 date=05/25/03 at 11:09:50]

And hopefully there's a place in the world even for below-average guys, straight or gay, who may be just as interesting and sexy as anybody else, but who, because they are unhung, are playing against truly serious prejudice in the sexual arena.  Thanks to txqis and DMW for speaking out on this.[/quote]

I believe there is a place, a someone, for everyone. I am an average hung man with a partner who is very well endowed. For me, he was a dream come true. I had always dreamed of finding a partner that loved me for me and all my shortcomings. If he happened to be endowed, so much the better. Well, careful what you wish for. I got it. He prefers men with smaller cocks.

 

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nyc10x6: I have so many thoughts and opinions on this topic, but a good many of them have already been very eloquently stated. I have a large cock and I enjoy men with large cocks, for sex that is. There is more to life than sex. If I want sex and that's all, I will definitely seek out someone who is hung. But for something more substantial, the size of someone's cock never even enters my mind. Neither of the great loves in my life were hung, and I enjoyed being with them and having sex with them all the same. Remember that GI Joe (or Barbie) you had as a kid? You thought you would never get tired of it, and one year later you never even looked at it. Big cocks are like that. You soon grow bored if that is all you see in the person. If you are looking for something to play with and then to move on, and both of you understand that's all that is going on, I say by all means look for whatever turns you on. But never make cock size a criteria for a happy relationship. It rarely works.

 

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muscle4big1: If I can make a slightly different perspective on this topic. I have been a bodybuilder for over 20 vears and that is noticable even when I wear baggy clothes. I don't view men attracted to other men who are well endowed (and I am one who has that attraction) as any different from men who are attracted to me because of my muscles. Sure no one wants to be wanted only for that one attribute -- even if it is flattering to some degree. However, that is one of the things that intially gets people interested in me, and that's OK if it moves beyond only that. I am more than 20" arms, just as someone with a 10" cock is more than that.

However, as someone who simply prefers sex with men who are very well endowed because it simply feels better to me to be fucked by an man with 9, 10, 11 or more inches than it does for me by someone with 5, 6, or 7. Likewise to deep throat a big cock is more pleasurable for me than otherwise. Given that I know that about myself, I am more tolerant of those who originally look at me, or cruise me, or want to chat me up because of my muscles. To me, it is no different.

Indeed, if anything, it is easier for someone who likes muscles to find someone in a crowd to get to know, than it is for someone like me who prefers well hung men. After all dick size is usually not all that apparent in most settlings, and clearly I won't start a conversation with someone asking about cock size. THAT is a size queen, in my opinion. Having a preference because of sexual attraction and the physical pleasure a big dick brings are just part of what gets me or other people interested initally. But it is not the basis of a relationship any more than my muscles are.

So while no one wants to be used for only a piece of themselves, recognizing that people have different attractions and needs is part of sex and life. Those of us with certain extraordinary physical attributes need to be aware of that as well. Thanks for letting me explain my thoughts to the group.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

No matter, it's still difficult to discern the difference although as Muscle as stated, there is one.

It is rather unfortunate that it's up to the person maintaining the interest in big dicks, muscle, or what have you, to prove to their partner (or fuckbuddy, or whomever) that there is more of an investment there. Seriously. Whether you like it or not, Muscle, if a big-dicked guy's a little sensitive as to whether or not you're into him solely for the size of his hog, until you demonstrate an interest that supercedes his size, in the back of his mind, he's still going to think you like him for his dick and nothing more.

And hey, that might be a good thing or a bad things, circumstances depending. If it's good enough for him to land in bed with a bodybuilder and that his dick helped ascertain that, it might build up his ego or give him some personal satisfaction. On the other hand, he's still got room to question his attractiveness outside of his cock.

Perhaps I'm a little embittered by my experiences. For example, I used to go into gay chat rooms online to meet up with local folks, and even though I don't pass out my photo like a cheap business card, I get more than enough responses. "Oh, you're hot!" "Oh dude, your dick is HUGE. I bet it would feel good to (insert cheap, meaningless sexual innuendoes, promises, plans here)."

They might think the numbers look good, but the number that matters most is length and girth. The conversation usually sails in a downward spiral once they realize I'm biracial -- or hell, even if half of me is a Black part, it's "not attractive." (There's no nice way to say that. "Not my type" doesn't sound any better, trust me.) Hell... even now since my hair's reddish-brown and not black, until the person on the other end knows my racial status, it's enough to maintain an interest. The dick's the ultimate perk. The rest of it is good enough.

To be totally honest, it would flatter me to know someone's intersted in my size, but if I felt like that was more a driving factor than anything, I would turn down that sexual conquest, I would think. Yeah, I'm horny too and I need to get off sometimes, but I feel like I have a lot more to offer. If someone doesn't want to take advantage of that, that's their loss, isn't it?

Just keep that in mind. It doesn't hurt to have an interest in someone beyond the carnal.

 

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blo1988: I can understand why objectifying someone based on something superficial can be off-putting, but it certainly isn't limited to dick size. I have been objectified by virtue of my appearance, profession, or financial status; but to be honest haven't usually found it to be more than occasionally inconvenient.
It can occasionally be helpful to be objectified if you are single and available. It is usually easy to filter out those folks who are one dimensional.
However, it is disingenuous to complain of being objectified if you even occasionally "market" that aspect of your being. I find it odd that I have read strings in which folks say that they enjoy having a big dick, enjoy showing off their big dick....and are annoyed by size queens.
HHHMMMMM....I think that there should be a 9 inch penalty on that play. I little more psychological honesty please.
On the other hand, if you actually NEVER market that particular characteristic I suppose that it makes sense to complain. Nonetheless, it seems to me that in the midst of all life's problems it is still just an inconvenience.
As for being a size queen....I suppose that it can come as a surprise. It did for me. Without going into detail, I will just say that I found it more erotic than I expected. The person that it was attached to made the difference, but I responded instinctively to his size. I still fantasize about him.
Some men like blondes, or muscles, or skinny white guys, or big dicks.....no surprise, no big deal; it just is. But enjoying a big dick creates a dilemma of sorts. If you like skinny white guys, or Latin men with green eyes, or African-American men with muscles all you have to do is look. If you like a big dick it is a lot less straight forward. So, I can't exactly understand why we would want someone to feel defensive about looking for men with big dicks if that is what floats their boat.

On a different note: Dee, I am sorry to hear that race was an exclusionary issue in your experience. It struck me as odd because the first guy that I ever experienced passion with was African-American. I have always found Latin, African-American, Southern European men, etc exotically sensuous. I was a bit surprised by your experience, and disappointed. I hope that you were never unduly hurt by it.