The sex life of gay men in a relationship.

This question is for gay men in a relationship only. Do you have sex with other men?

  • I am strictly monogamous and have only sex with my partner.

    Votes: 95 57.6%
  • I have sex dates only together with my partner.

    Votes: 16 9.7%
  • We have an open relationship.

    Votes: 21 12.7%
  • I have some discreet action on the side line. Don't ask don' tell.

    Votes: 33 20.0%

  • Total voters
    165

fuckee

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Hi guys

I am very curious how other gay men in a relationship live their sex lives. I have been together with my partner for 26 years and very happy with him, but now and then I have sex dates with other men. Most of my partners were in a relationship too, either with a man or a woman. I think it is normal for gay men of a certain age to have a permanent relationship, but at the same time I think it shouldn't be a sexual prison.

However my attitude has change with age. When I was young I still believed in complete monogamy and was very jealous, but later I noticed that it can very exciting to be the cuckold now and then. How about you?
 
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fuckee

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The threesome! For straight men it is probably one of their biggest phantasy to be in bed with two women, but I believe that for most it is just a phantasy. But for gay men it is completely normal. And I think that for many gay couples is one of the best ways to spice up their relationship. I can be great, but it doesn't always work.

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fuckee

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It is something you have already experienced, your worst nightmare, or a dream come true? You have already been suspecting that you boyfriend is cheating. You come home earlier and you find him having sex with another guy. The first moment you are shocked and want to stop them at once. But then you continue watching them secretly and you notice that strangely enough you are aroused...

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BCH

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A great question/topic. My first and only long-term relationship was for almost 10 years. We were mostly monogamous. We had a guy blow both of us once. LOL. But I have talked to guys that have different rules. One guy said that his rule was that you could only see someone twice. I have some friends that were together for 30 years and they just split because one didn't want an open relationship. I think that is wrong to split lol. An orgasm is the same...always. It's the headspace that changes. I believe that it's best to be open with rules. I'd be OK with my guy getting/giving oral but I wouldn't want him getting railed because I feel that this is my job. The next step is a 3-way or with another couple. When we are younger we have a biological need to cum. When we get older, we want to feel "wanted". And don't let any "Christians" tell you that is wrong because men had concubines throughout history....male and female.
 

fuckee

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A great question/topic. My first and only long-term relationship was for almost 10 years. We were mostly monogamous. We had a guy blow both of us once. LOL. But I have talked to guys that have different rules. One guy said that his rule was that you could only see someone twice. I have some friends that were together for 30 years and they just split because one didn't want an open relationship. I think that is wrong to split lol. An orgasm is the same...always. It's the headspace that changes. I believe that it's best to be open with rules. I'd be OK with my guy getting/giving oral but I wouldn't want him getting railed because I feel that this is my job. The next step is a 3-way or with another couple. When we are younger we have a biological need to cum. When we get older, we want to feel "wanted". And don't let any "Christians" tell you that is wrong because men had concubines throughout history....male and female.
Thanks for your answer! I realize that it not always easy to find the perfect way to live together and it is normal that your attitude changes over the course of time. I think the most important in a relationship is love and respect. At the same it is normal for gay men to like some excitement in life. Therefore I believe some discrete action on the side line is often the best solution.

And of course straight men are not different. We all know the stories about the middle aged men who have affairs with younger women. Very often such men are considered monsters, but I think their behaviour is completely normal. I have little sympathy for men who have been married for many years and then leave their wives for a younger women. But why can't they have some fun? Many women are attracted to older men. We don't call them "men in the best years" for nothing.
 

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My situation pertains to your topic, so I'll reply.

Our relationship with other men worked well for a long time, then suddenly came the death knell. We played together and outside of each other because we lived a good way apart. This is what happened- my BF had not come to visit me in eight months, but when a hot guy very near me was suddenly available my BF managed to make it over.. you get the picture, I'm sure. It didn't hit me at first because we were so accustomed to playing. Then, a little while later it hit me. He didn't come over to see me, he came because of the other guy. The more I thought about it the more hurt and madder I became. I began backing off because of this and my BF never asked me a single question. He just let me stew about it and continue backing off. He knew what he had done and was not willing to admit or discuss it. That was when I walked away.

My advice, if you might be thinking about inviting a third or more into a relationship with someone you love, give it a lot of thought.
 

GeorgiaMan

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I spent the first part of my gay life looking for a long term relationship, or at least the potential for one. I had sex with guys when horny or wanting to get off but really tried to "date" and find someone I could spend my life with.

After much looking I found him in June 2020, or at least that was our first virtual connection. Three years in and I don't really have a lot of complaints, but our sex life has decreased significantly. He just doesn't have much of a sex drive generally and I've had moments of horny. We live on opposite sides of town and really don't see each other except on weekends. He's visiting his mom this weekend which is fine, but we've had some weekends here and there where we can't always get together and it's been a little.....frustrating lol.

I tend to believe monogomous relationships are generally healthier, physically and mentally, overall and don't want to see anyone else but I would probably be down for adding a third sometime to spice things up.

What couples want to do is their business and I have no judgement towards those who are open, or guys who just want to play the field and not settle down but it's not for me. However, I'm learning I'm still human and have needs lol.
 
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BCH

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My situation pertains to your topic, so I'll reply.

Our relationship with other men worked well for a long time, then suddenly came the death knell. We played together and outside of each other because we lived a good way apart. This is what happened- my BF had not come to visit me in eight months, but when a hot guy very near me was suddenly available my BF managed to make it over.. you get the picture, I'm sure. It didn't hit me at first because we were so accustomed to playing. Then, a little while later it hit me. He didn't come over to see me, he came because of the other guy. The more I thought about it the more hurt and madder I became. I began backing off because of this and my BF never asked me a single question. He just let me stew about it and continue backing off. He knew what he had done and was not willing to admit or discuss it. That was when I walked away.

My advice, if you might be thinking about inviting a third or more into a relationship with someone you love, give it a lot of thought.
Please don't hear that I am making you wrong...but the backing off action doesn't work. It actually feeds the fire. I find that more women do this and I like men that are direct...but men do it too. When my ex would act that way I would one-up him so that I could provoke him. I AM JUST AS GUILTY. When we had one guy blow us both that man was more into my dick. This is the problem, danger, and risk of a 3+ situation. On the issue of sexual occurrences in a relationship, we produce more hormones, etc. when something "new" takes place. Time slows stuff down and then someone "new" hits all the buttons. As men, we also get older and if you don't take care of yourself then you'd better be willing to let your partner be free. My friends that just broke up, the one guy shaved his beard and he looks so much younger (he is the one that didn't want an open relationship). He needs to ask himself why he didn't do that before. He was boring his partner??? I get to check in with myself for the same. I met a couple that don't have sex together now but live together and they do their own thing. He said it's great for them. I don't see that for me. One last thing about being boring...I am 95% top but would love to be topped once in a while by a future partner if he was a bottom AND have them like topping me. So many flavors and buttons...why am I single lol
 

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We feel we have more than enough love lust and passion for each other and others- we’re open, we share, we sometimes play together, but also separate. We are not jealous or trying to emulate a straight heterosexual cultural tradition- we’re gay men, and do what we enjoy and feel passionate about, we don’t judge others for their sexual preference, we understand that monogamy is how many people are wired or choose to live their lives.
 

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We feel we have more than enough love lust and passion for each other and others- we’re open, we share, we sometimes play together, but also separate. We are not jealous or trying to emulate a straight heterosexual cultural tradition- we’re gay men, and do what we enjoy and feel passionate about, we don’t judge others for their sexual preference, we understand that monogamy is how many people are wired or choose to live their lives.
It is great to read about your partner. That is exactly my idea of the perfect sex life for a gay couple. Having sex together, but also fun with a third but also separate action - but no jealousy. It is something that would hardly work for straight people, but it is one the main reasons to call ourselves "gay"!:)
 

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Please don't hear that I am making you wrong...but the backing off action doesn't work. It actually feeds the fire. I find that more women do this and I like men that are direct...but men do it too. When my ex would act that way I would one-up him so that I could provoke him. I AM JUST AS GUILTY. When we had one guy blow us both that man was more into my dick. This is the problem, danger, and risk of a 3+ situation. On the issue of sexual occurrences in a relationship, we produce more hormones, etc. when something "new" takes place. Time slows stuff down and then someone "new" hits all the buttons. As men, we also get older and if you don't take care of yourself then you'd better be willing to let your partner be free. My friends that just broke up, the one guy shaved his beard and he looks so much younger (he is the one that didn't want an open relationship). He needs to ask himself why he didn't do that before. He was boring his partner??? I get to check in with myself for the same. I met a couple that don't have sex together now but live together and they do their own thing. He said it's great for them. I don't see that for me. One last thing about being boring...I am 95% top but would love to be topped once in a while by a future partner if he was a bottom AND have them like topping me. So many flavors and buttons...why am I single lol
Hey bud, thanks for your response. I had been direct with him several times about such matters. My BF loved cock recklessly to say the least and his behavior with more than just this episode revealed he'd put any relationship on the line for the sake of just about any cock. He fucked his son's best friend (who just so happened to be gay.) He fucked his bro-in-law's husband. He'd find a new hook up and basically wear out his welcome before he got to know the guy. He was the OCD, hyper type that never closed his mouth. People basically ran from him. He just couldn't help himself. Not long after I met him I began thinking about breaking up with him because of his ways. Backing off might not be the best approach, but it got me away from him without a landslide of drama and believe me, I'm better off. If confrontation had occurred, he probably would have tried turning the table on me and blaming me for everything. Once I did confront him about something and HE threatened to walk away from the relationship. I took way too much of his drama and ways.

I'm better off no matter how I got away from him.
 
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chancesare

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I am wired for monogamy, but I am in an open relationship. It happened because my partner insisted it be open, and I didn't want to deny him that. Plus, we were not sexually compatible; he liked to jack off. I like getting oral sex and kissing, and he wasn't into either. Then, he lost all interest in sex with me or anyone else. It became easier to be open and I didn't have to feel bad that he wanted sex with other people more often than he wanted it with me.
 

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I am wired for monogamy, but I am in an open relationship. It happened because my partner insisted it be open, and I didn't want to deny him that. Plus, we were not sexually compatible; he liked to jack off. I like getting oral sex and kissing, and he wasn't into either. Then, he lost all interest in sex with me or anyone else. It became easier to be open and I didn't have to feel bad that he wanted sex with other people more often than he wanted it with me.
How did that go for you? How did you guys got into this without breaking apart? I feel I’m in a similar situation with my partner: love and wanna build a life with him but the sex isn’t that amazing for neither of - specially me with a higher drive and curiosity. Came out of the closet in a relationship and have only been with one person. Finding it hard to navigate my curiosity and desire to taste others but at the same time not wanting to lose my relationship.
 

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I have done every configuration of relationship. All have been good in their own way.

But I have been monogamous for the last 9 years and I have never been happier.

My partner has always had monogamous relationships. A couple of relationships they tried opening it up but for him it was just trying to salvage a relationship that was slowly sinking to it's death.

I am so in love and so devoted to this man. I have absolutely no interest in having sex with anyone else.
 

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I'm currently with my boyfriend now for around 5 months. I'm from Europe and he is from South America. We have already quite an adult and strong relationship where we communicate well and respect each others boundaries. Because where he is from, open relationships or having sex with other people (together as a couple) was very normal, he is more open to the idea. For me, there is no need yet to have sex with other guys because our relationship is so fresh. Slowly he is encouraging me to explore having sex with other guys. He enjoys the idea and it turns him on. Off course, he prefers to have sex together with other guys but we haven't really thought how we are going to make that happen.

Nothing has happened so far, but there is a guy at my gym that potentially could be a hook up. My boyfriend always mentions if something ever happens, never regret it. Enjoy it and we will make it work after anyway.

For my side, I am not as easy in letting him go have sex with other people. In the end if he does it, I wouldn't mind because I know our love is strong. I would just hate it if he would lie about it.
 
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fuckee

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I'm currently with my boyfriend now for around 5 months. I'm from Europe and he is from South America. We have already quite an adult and strong relationship where we communicate well and respect each others boundaries. Because where he is from, open relationships or having sex with other people (together as a couple) was very normal, he is more open to the idea. For me, there is no need yet to have sex with other guys because our relationship is so fresh. Slowly he is encouraging me to explore having sex with other guys. He enjoys the idea and it turns him on. Off course, he prefers to have sex together with other guys but we haven't really thought how we are going to make that happen.

Nothing has happened so far, but there is a guy at my gym that potentially could be a hook up. My boyfriend always mentions if something ever happens, never regret it. Enjoy it and we will make it work after anyway.

For my side, I am not as easy in letting him go have sex with other people. In the end if he does it, I wouldn't mind because I know our love is strong. I would just hate it if he would lie about it.
Wow, that sounds like a wonderful relationship! It is normal that after a few months you don't have a desire for other men yet, but it is great that your boyfriend is encouraging you to explore sex with other guys. What more can you want? It proves that he really loves you but wants you to enjoy life. Threesomes are a great thing, but they don't always work. But it does it is terrific.

It is completely normal that the idea of your boyfriend having sex with other men is still a bit unusual to you. But you have the right mentality. And I could imagine you would even like it!
 
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DanielFerdinand

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Wow, that sounds like a wonderful relationship! It is normal that after a few months you don't have a desire for other men yet, but it is great that your boyfriend is encouraging you to explore sex with other guys. What more can you want? It proves that he really loves you but wants you to enjoy life. Threesomes are a great thing, but they don't always work. But it does it is terrific.

It is completely normal that the idea of your boyfriend having sex with other men is still a bit unusual to you. But you have the right mentality. And I could imagine you would even like it!
Haha thanks, yeah so far I am really happy how everything is developing between us. All my previous relationships were not at all this open and free, so it feels really refreshing to date someone with that kind of openness, respect and patience. During my previous relationships jealousy from my side was far bigger, also because honesty is for me a big deal and it turned out I could not always trust my exes. I think I still need to learn to differentiate my current boyfriend from my exes and those experiences. I am doing this already, but step by step it is getting better.
 
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chancesare

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How did that go for you? How did you guys got into this without breaking apart? I feel I’m in a similar situation with my partner: love and wanna build a life with him but the sex isn’t that amazing for neither of - specially me with a higher drive and curiosity. Came out of the closet in a relationship and have only been with one person. Finding it hard to navigate my curiosity and desire to taste others but at the same time not wanting to lose my relationship.
It worked for us because I am way way too easygoing. Lol. I have a hard time advocating for my needs. We have an age difference of 18 years (he is older), which may also have something to do with it. His stamce has always been, "I don't own you. You need to go out and enjoy your life. " Our interests are so different, it sort of feels natural for us in a way. I go out with friends, go to movies, go shopping, and he likes to stay at home. Sex it's just part of that difference now. But we cuddle a lot. Being together during the pandemic also really bonded is. We only had each other and that built a lot of shared experiences and love that have risen above sex.
 
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