The Sexual Orientation Meter

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by D_Martin van Burden, Jun 14, 2004.

  1. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2002
    Messages:
    3,365
    Likes Received:
    6
    Alright, folks. That sexual orientation meter thing has been a bit of a bother to some people on the forum, sure. I can see that. But, you know what&#39;s a little more disconcerting than that? All the blanks&#33; Really&#33; I know it took me a few minutes to determine where I "fit" on the continuum, but there are so many people who just leave it (along with a lot of other nice details <_< ) blank.

    So, I&#39;m gonna help&#33; I&#39;m gonna help you guys find out where you fit on the continuum. This will probably be an ongoing questionnaire, but hey... gotta start somewhere...

    (Note: Some questions may be more geared toward one gender than the other. In those ambiguous instances, try to identify yourself as best as possible with said gender and answer as best as you can. This is not a pass-fail examination.)

    Here goes&#33; :D

    Why did you join the LPSG in the first place? Was it because of...
    • the S [Support -- because you have questions and need answers]
    • the G [Group -- because you like participating in online forums]
    • or the P [Penis -- ooh, baby&#33;]
    And if you answered P, are you only interested in LP&#39;s or will any ol&#39; P satisfy?

    So, an LP walks into a bar and takes the stool right alongside you, gives you a nod and/or smile, and orders a drink. Do you...
    • smile back and tend to your own drink?
    • engage him in conversation?
    • engage him in footsie?
    • drop all pretenses and give him a grope or three?
    • before forcefully dropping down his trousers?
    And if he groped you first, would you make a witty comeback, a direct and firm rebuttal to stop (because, yo, that ain&#39;t your thing), or race him into the bathroom?

    Yeah, it&#39;s hard to stand at the urinal while Mr. LP over there is making a show of his meat. Hell, he probably didn&#39;t mean it; he&#39;s got to fish it out just like you. And where are your eyeballs?
    • eyes and face forward, staring at the wall
    • eyes and face forward, discreet peeking
    • mindless conversation while pissing
    • hopeful conversation while pissing
    • Oh, bloody hell&#33; You give him a look...
    • ...while you&#39;re steadfastedly jacking off.
    And did you give him a nod and say, "Nice meat&#33;" or not?

    So, you get a totally random IM from an LPSGer. Out of courtesy, they identify themselves as a member of the group. And you reply with...
    • a salutation
    • a greeting with a conversation starter
    • your vital statistics, including penis size
    • what you want to do with THEIR statistics
    • a request for pics or cam, preferably with huge schlong...
    • &#39;cause you&#39;re rarin&#39; to go&#33;
    When you masturbate, you think of...
    • a woman
    • a man
    • women
    • men
    • both
    • both at the same time...
    • hitting it from all angles...
    • animals
    • m-m-m-m-mmmonnneeyyyyy&#33;
    And how much alcohol did it take you before you decided, to hell with it, that you were going to make out with your same-sex chum?
    • a sip
    • a single
    • a six pack
    • a twelve pack
    • a keg...
    • with a hit or two of Ecstasy
    Oh, c&#39;mon. You were neighborly enough to slip some tongue, right? In either case, were you the dominant one or the aggressive?

    Would you get angry if someone captured footage of you and your same-sex partner and sold it off to Girls (or Boys) Gone Wild? What&#39;s your excuse? (Would you say you had more to drink than you actually did?)

    Irregardless of gender, do you refer to most people you come across as "Guuuurrrrrrrrllllll?" Do you throw in a Z-Snap and a hair toss for a bit of flair?

    Are you not gay, but your girl/boyfriend identifies as such?

    Does terminology like "ass pirate," "chode poker," and "bootie bandit" make you shout and scream profanity or Hallelujah? Do you have a shirt with those words or other similar verbiage? And if so, how often do you wear it in public? Do you wear that shirt in combination with "shit kickers," also known as dusty and/or worn down cowboy boots? And throw in a John Deere hat to match?

    Do you get a kick out of being so confusing and/or non-matching, you damn wannabe non-committed breeder?

    Oh yeah... do you like the word "breeder" either?

    Is it better for you to use sports terminology to describe what you like in bed? Are you a pitcher or a catcher? Do you like to slide it into home or steal bases? Do you really think the umpire is blind?

    And, when is a backrub between chums more than just a backrub? If your chum&#39;s body is a map of the world, do you spend more time south of the Equator?

    If someone was in bed with you, spooning you -- that is, their body curled up directly behind yours, in such a position that accommodates the curvature of your spine, torso, and legs -- would you...
    • edge away slowly
    • scoot away
    • push them away
    • back up into their genitalia and rub...
    • ...fervently?
    That&#39;s all for now, kiddies. Be honest, ok?
     
  2. B_Carolina

    B_Carolina New Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2004
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Blue...no YELLLLLLOOOOOOOWWWWWWW&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;
     
  3. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    I need a cold shower after reading that topic, Dee&#33; Gay or str8- I don&#39;t even care right now&#33;&#33;
     
  4. D_Humper E Bogart

    D_Humper E Bogart New Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2004
    Messages:
    2,226
    Likes Received:
    2
    I is the perfect being.
     
  5. Ecchi

    Ecchi New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Messages:
    230
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Northern Chicago, IL USA
    No wonder I adore this woman. :wub: :wub: :wub:

    I dunno .... I tend to be blunt as a sledgehammer with other people sexually, especially if I find them arousing or attractive, but even then, the person would have to speak first .... I&#39;m PAINFULLY shy and suck at introducing myself ... Once I knew the person and the way they think, I wouldn&#39;t have much of a problem. Thing is I am constantly shy and even slightly paranoid about my own appearance, so it&#39;d make my answers rather weird.
     
  6. Imported

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2000
    Messages:
    56,713
    Likes Received:
    55
    Tender: ...
     
  7. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    LOL Having an identity crisis? LOL

    "Why did you join the LPSG in the first place? Was it because of..."

    The S.

    "So, an LP walks into a bar and takes the stool right alongside you, gives you a nod and/or smile, and orders a drink. Do you..."

    Smile back and sip my drink.

    "And if he groped you first, would you make a witty comeback, a direct and firm rebuttal to stop (because, yo, that ain&#39;t your thing), or race him into the bathroom?"

    Witty comeback, with a way of showing that I&#39;m attached right now.

    "Yeah, it&#39;s hard to stand at the urinal while Mr. LP over there is making a show of his meat. Hell, he probably didn&#39;t mean it; he&#39;s got to fish it out just like you. And where are your eyeballs?"

    Staring at the wall.

    "So, you get a totally random IM from an LPSGer. Out of courtesy, they identify themselves as a member of the group. And you reply with..."

    Well, it varies. If someone&#39;s hitting on me, I hit delete.

    "When you masturbate, you think of..."

    Usually women, occasionally men, sometimes both at once.

    "And how much alcohol did it take you before you decided, to hell with it, that you were going to make out with your same-sex chum?"

    Six-pack. Actually probably three; I can&#39;t hold my liquor.

    "Oh, c&#39;mon. You were neighborly enough to slip some tongue, right? In either case, were you the dominant one or the aggressive?"

    ???

    "Would you get angry if someone captured footage of you and your same-sex partner and sold it off to Girls (or Boys) Gone Wild? What&#39;s your excuse? (Would you say you had more to drink than you actually did?)"

    Of course I&#39;d get angry. I&#39;m not some porn object.

    "Irregardless of gender, do you refer to most people you come across as "Guuuurrrrrrrrllllll?""

    No.

    "Do you throw in a Z-Snap and a hair toss for a bit of flair?"

    Well, I&#39;ve never done Z-snaps. I&#39;ve done hair tosses when flirting or when hair was in my eyes.

    "Are you not gay, but your girl/boyfriend identifies as such?"

    I&#39;m not gay, and neither is my girlfriend.

    "Does terminology like "ass pirate," "chode poker," and "bootie bandit" make you shout and scream profanity or Hallelujah?"

    Well, the terms are offensive, even if I&#39;m not one. It&#39;s like how the word fuck is still offensive to virgins. You could&#39;ve at least diversified things with cocksucker.

    "Do you have a shirt with those words or other similar verbiage?"

    Such shirts exist?

    "Do you get a kick out of being so confusing and/or non-matching, you damn wannabe non-committed breeder?"

    No, I just can&#39;t afford to match.

    "Oh yeah... do you like the word "breeder" either?"

    No.

    "Is it better for you to use sports terminology to describe what you like in bed? Are you a pitcher or a catcher? Do you like to slide it into home or steal bases? Do you really think the umpire is blind?"

    What&#39;s a pitcher, catcher, bases, home, or umpire? Baseball&#39;s not that popular anymore. LOL

    "And, when is a backrub between chums more than just a backrub? If your chum&#39;s body is a map of the world, do you spend more time south of the Equator?"

    No.

    "If someone was in bed with you, spooning you -- that is, their body curled up directly behind yours, in such a position that accommodates the curvature of your spine, torso, and legs -- would you..."

    Slowly edge away, in such a way that he doesn&#39;t wake up.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted