the shitty way society treats male victims of sexual abuse.

[helgaleena]

Thank you for this thread, dolfette. I don't think it's worse, but it's less visible in societies, including non-Christian ones.

 

[Pandora77]

Same with viloence in a marriage. Sometimes men get beaten up by their wife, not vice versa, and often people don't believe them and say: "How could a woman hit a man? She is not capable of doing so."
Or they say: "But a man could protect himself and fight back, while most women couldn't."
I think a lot of that has to do with prejudices.

We have a saying here, meant as a joke, which I don't find funny at all:
"You can not rape the willing". You say it if you're jokingly talking about wanting to rape or jump a guy (cause you find him hot for example, etc).

it's a major pet hate of mine.

the lack of sympathy, the woefully inadequate (or often non-existent) support services, the implication that they are less of a man, the assumption that they must have enjoyed it.

female victims get a bum deal but male victims get it much, much worse.

thoughts?

 

[B_Hung Jon]

One of my uncles was abused sexually by a catholic priest when we was 9 years old. I've learned a lot from him about how he was adversely affected his whole life. Lucky for him he lives in a city where there are a lot of support services for boys and men who have been abused. I thing that impresses me most about him is how he now spends so much of his time helping other women and men who were abused as children. He is a very brave person and has a lot of compassion for others in his situation. He describes his coming to terms with his own vulnerability as a little kid. He wasn't responsible for what happened to him.

 

[LaFemme]

Of course boys can be overpowered and coerced, as can be men. I've seen men dominated in bar fights and in boxing rings - there's always someone more powerful. And then there's the lowering of inhibitions through the use of drugs and alcohol - don't underestimate the use of those tools in the hands of a predator. Fear & intimidation can also work wonders on a man. In fact, any manipulative technique used to commit sexual assault on a woman can be used on a man.

Imagine the bravery that a man must possess to confess to being violated. The strength that he would have to have to survive and conquer. Any person who would dare to mock a man brave enough to stand up and say that he was one of these men deserves a space in hell right next to one of those predators.

As to "you can't rape the willing"? I agree - not funny. Just because the body responds doesn't mean that consent is given. Physiological responses are separate from personal permission.

 

[travis1985]

Be a man accused of raping a woman, with no evidence that it's true. You'll rot in jail.

Be a woman accused of raping a man, with photographic evidence and witnesses. You'll be home by dinnertime. If your day was interrupted at all.

 

[TheRob]

I think you are right
and everyone will say you are right
and the next time a pretty lady teacher sleeps with a 12 year old male student it'll go exactly like it has every other time, she'll get 2 weeks house arrest and do whatever she wants as if the law dosn't apply to her

 

[TheRob]

Very true.

I didn't hope my view would account for everything wretched that gets directed at victims, as it's certainly just small piece of a much larger puzzle.

EDIT: I do think that the convincing ourselves bit that you touched on serves a purpose though. Doing so would help alleviate personal feelings of fragility, or anxiety, and that's quite adaptive, no? It might be something innate, or socialized into us. The strong move on, the weak are put aside to die sort of thing.

what you are missing here that is Dol's point, is the difference in how victims are treated based on thier gender, the men are put aside to die so to speak while the women are picked up and carried along, taken care of basically.

 

[MickeyLee]

@ Travis - have you done any research on conviction rates in rape cases?
number of rape cases that actually go to court?


TheRob -you just be you. ya do it so well.

 

[B_Nicodemous]

I am in the end process of starting a thread relating to the reasons male victems of rape do not come forward and the lastign effects on interpersonal relationships (ok i have been at that end stage of it for 3 months now, *sigh* lol)

As the victim of rape, I can tell you that I felt uber alone. I saw how the cops treated domestic disputes amoung gays and the cavalier attitude they had. It prevented me from coming forward and reporting my rapist. Years later I told a few freinds. Some were sympathetic, some wondered, very openly, why I didn't stop it, others wondered how i let myself get in that position. One actually gave the impression that it was my fault (friend of a friend).

Had I been female, the support would have been there in greater quantities. Never mind the support services. I had a psychologist be dismissive of it. Made me seem less than (yeah i stopped seeing him after the second visit, right after he started that line of crap)

The fact that society at large treats people this way...appalls me.

Not to discount the pain and trauma women go through (my Sis was raped when she was really young by a creep in the neighborhood) but at least they have th support services, and community support (in general, there are asshole communities out there)

 

[dolfette]

Be a man accused of raping a woman, with no evidence that it's true. You'll rot in jail.

Be a woman accused of raping a man, with photographic evidence and witnesses. You'll be home by dinnertime. If your day was interrupted at all.

oh look! an idiot!

 

[dolfette]

As the victim of rape, I can tell you that I felt uber alone. I saw how the cops treated domestic disputes amoung gays and the cavalier attitude they had. It prevented me from coming forward and reporting my rapist. Years later I told a few freinds. Some were sympathetic, some wondered, very openly, why I didn't stop it, others wondered how i let myself get in that position. One actually gave the impression that it was my fault (friend of a friend).

Had I been female, the support would have been there in greater quantities. Never mind the support services. I had a psychologist be dismissive of it. Made me seem less than (yeah i stopped seeing him after the second visit, right after he started that line of crap)

The fact that society at large treats people this way...appalls me.

Not to discount the pain and trauma women go through (my Sis was raped when she was really young by a creep in the neighborhood) but at least they have th support services, and community support (in general, there are asshole communities out there)

that's exactly what i'm talking about.

i'm sorry you had to put up with so much.
thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[B_doogie888]

oh look! an idiot!

oh look! an idiot!

 

[LaFemme]

I am in the end process of starting a thread relating to the reasons male victems of rape do not come forward and the lastign effects on interpersonal relationships (ok i have been at that end stage of it for 3 months now, *sigh* lol)

As the victim of rape, I can tell you that I felt uber alone. I saw how the cops treated domestic disputes amoung gays and the cavalier attitude they had. It prevented me from coming forward and reporting my rapist. Years later I told a few freinds. Some were sympathetic, some wondered, very openly, why I didn't stop it, others wondered how i let myself get in that position. One actually gave the impression that it was my fault (friend of a friend).

Had I been female, the support would have been there in greater quantities. Never mind the support services. I had a psychologist be dismissive of it. Made me seem less than (yeah i stopped seeing him after the second visit, right after he started that line of crap)

The fact that society at large treats people this way...appalls me.

Not to discount the pain and trauma women go through (my Sis was raped when she was really young by a creep in the neighborhood) but at least they have th support services, and community support (in general, there are asshole communities out there)

Oh, Nico! You are exactly the kind of man I was talking about - truly brave and truly strong. You have to be so much stronger and braver in order to get support or to get justice. What is also amazing is that you have stayed a genuine, kind and good human being.....can't wait to meet you one day! *big smooshie hugs*

 

[The Dragon]

I am in the end process of starting a thread relating to the reasons male victems of rape do not come forward and the lastign effects on interpersonal relationships (ok i have been at that end stage of it for 3 months now, *sigh* lol)

As the victim of rape, I can tell you that I felt uber alone. I saw how the cops treated domestic disputes amoung gays and the cavalier attitude they had. It prevented me from coming forward and reporting my rapist. Years later I told a few freinds. Some were sympathetic, some wondered, very openly, why I didn't stop it, others wondered how i let myself get in that position. One actually gave the impression that it was my fault (friend of a friend).

Had I been female, the support would have been there in greater quantities. Never mind the support services. I had a psychologist be dismissive of it. Made me seem less than (yeah i stopped seeing him after the second visit, right after he started that line of crap)

The fact that society at large treats people this way...appalls me.

Not to discount the pain and trauma women go through (my Sis was raped when she was really young by a creep in the neighborhood) but at least they have th support services, and community support (in general, there are asshole communities out there)

Sending you a huge hug Nico.

Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story with us.
It's such a humbling experience to be trusted with something that has cause you so much pain.

You are a wonderfully strong guy.

Thank you.

 

[Catharsis]

I am in the end process of starting a thread relating to the reasons male victems of rape do not come forward and the lastign effects on interpersonal relationships (ok i have been at that end stage of it for 3 months now, *sigh* lol)

As the victim of rape, I can tell you that I felt uber alone. I saw how the cops treated domestic disputes amoung gays and the cavalier attitude they had. It prevented me from coming forward and reporting my rapist. Years later I told a few freinds. Some were sympathetic, some wondered, very openly, why I didn't stop it, others wondered how i let myself get in that position. One actually gave the impression that it was my fault (friend of a friend).

Had I been female, the support would have been there in greater quantities. Never mind the support services. I had a psychologist be dismissive of it. Made me seem less than (yeah i stopped seeing him after the second visit, right after he started that line of crap)

The fact that society at large treats people this way...appalls me.

Not to discount the pain and trauma women go through (my Sis was raped when she was really young by a creep in the neighborhood) but at least they have th support services, and community support (in general, there are asshole communities out there)

I am truly so sorry for your experience and its aftermatch. I didn't realize that the attitudes in society would be that bad. I wish I knew someone like you in real life so I wouldn't have been so carefree about making a post in the women's issues forum about men being raped (although it concerned a situation in which woman was being the rapist). But as AlteredEgo said, rape is rape. I wish I wasn't so ignorant to understand the full effect of what was said to me in that thread.

I suppose I am too immature to look at societal behavior beyond how I personally would feel or react, because I would never be so judgmental toward a person who was raped, no matter the gender or race or sexuality or age.

My thoughts on you being a great and strong person are only reinforced by this (as LaFemme mentioned), but I'm genuinely sorry you had to experience it at all.

 

[MickeyLee]

:hug: on Mr. Nico.

 

[ConstantComment]

Rebekah Brooks (nee Wade), Rupert Murdoch's protege, was arrested for allegedly assulting her husband. Ross Kemp - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[dolfette]

I am truly so sorry for your experience and its aftermatch. I didn't realize that the attitudes in society would be that bad. I wish I knew someone like you in real life so I wouldn't have been so carefree about making a post in the women's issues forum about men being raped (although it concerned a situation in which woman was being the rapist). But as AlteredEgo said, rape is rape. I wish I wasn't so ignorant to understand the full effect of what was said to me in that thread.

I suppose I am too immature to look at societal behavior beyond how I personally would feel or react, because I would never be so judgmental toward a person who was raped, no matter the gender or race or sexuality or age.

My thoughts on you being a great and strong person are only reinforced by this (as LaFemme mentioned), but I'm genuinely sorry you had to experience it at all.

i viewed your post because, after your comment in the other thread, i wanted to see what you had to say.
you don't seem so immature right now.

it takes a big man to make a post like that and mean it. it was genuine and from the heart.
i'm glad for you that you have taken something positive from his terrible experiences, that you can start to understand the impact of society's attitudes on the victims.

not that it's important, but would like you to know that i've taken you off ignore. you've impressed me. you're a better person than you were yesterday.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I am in the end process of starting a thread relating to the reasons male victems of rape do not come forward and the lastign effects on interpersonal relationships (ok i have been at that end stage of it for 3 months now, *sigh* lol)

As the victim of rape, I can tell you that I felt uber alone. I saw how the cops treated domestic disputes amoung gays and the cavalier attitude they had. It prevented me from coming forward and reporting my rapist. Years later I told a few freinds. Some were sympathetic, some wondered, very openly, why I didn't stop it, others wondered how i let myself get in that position. One actually gave the impression that it was my fault (friend of a friend).

Had I been female, the support would have been there in greater quantities. Never mind the support services. I had a psychologist be dismissive of it. Made me seem less than (yeah i stopped seeing him after the second visit, right after he started that line of crap)

The fact that society at large treats people this way...appalls me.

Not to discount the pain and trauma women go through (my Sis was raped when she was really young by a creep in the neighborhood) but at least they have th support services, and community support (in general, there are asshole communities out there)

You heard my thoughts on this some time ago, but I wanted to join in the hug fest :biggrin1:. You deserve every single one of those hugs :hug:.

I too am horrified by the lack of support and understanding for men who have been through rape or sexual abuse. An ex of mine was sexually abused as a child, as were many of my female friends and family members. From my discussions with all these people, it does indeed seem as though males have it much worse.

 

[VernalTiger]

if we can convince ourselves that they are only a victim because they are gay/weak/teasing/slutty/stupid then we can convince ourselves that we must be safe, because we're not flawed like they are.

it's the mindset of cowards.

Very true.
I do think that the convincing ourselves bit that you touched on serves a purpose though. Doing so would help alleviate personal feelings of fragility, or anxiety, and that's quite adaptive, no? It might be something innate, or socialized into us. The strong move on, the weak are put aside to die sort of thing.

MsMoxie, the problem with this approach - "I won't be raped because I'm not gay/weak/teasing/slutty/stupid" - is that when it fails, when someone is raped, that belief system is shattered and its protection is gone.

And just to keep it on track - men face sexual assault too. We need to support them just as much as much as we do women. And no-one has made mention of other male-dominated environments where rape (or at the very least, unwanted sexualised contact) occurs - environments like prisons, all-boys schools and the military. There was an inquest a few years ago into hazing rituals in Australian military colleges, of young men getting hospitalised from their injuries. Imagine how many more young men treated their own physical injuries and nursed the phychological damage, but kept quiet about the assaults.