The social wisdom of life experience

Mule

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Over the course of my life, I've learned some things that have helped me improve as a person and become the way I want to be: Curious, happy, free and kind. I've adopted this four-word phrase as both a guide and an aspiration. It's who I want to be and perhaps more importantly, a foundation for my interactions with others.

So in the hope that I can continue to learn and with the intention that we all might help one another along the road, I thought it might be fun to share our nuggets of social wisdom. What I find really interesting is that most of the positive social examples (what to do, how to act, etc.) I've learned from women and most of the negative examples (actions to avoid, etc) come from observing other men, especially in their interactions with women. Of course there are exceptions to these - I know some great men that I really admire for their kindness and selflessness.

Anyhow, I have a tendency to ramble, so let's get on with it.
  • We all have "emotional bank accounts" to which others can deposit or withdraw. Making small and regular deposits to others' accounts helps everyone be a little happier and it costs nothing but a little time and humility.
  • Keep good people close. Invest in them: They deserve the best of you and you'll become a better person from being with them.
  • Life is too short to waste on those who repeatedly withdraw more from your account than they deposit. Sometimes you might love that person (and continue to love them), but there is a point at which it's better for you to let them go.
  • When we are around others, they always show us exactly who they are, but we often miss the cues. Sometimes because the signs are subtle or obscured, but more often because we're not listening.
    • Those that ask thoughtful questions and really listen to the answers tend to be more caring.
    • People who talk passionately about things other than themselves tend to be happier people who are generous in nature.
    • Those who talk about plans but rarely follow through can be infuriating, and it accumulates steadily over time. Accommodating or humoring them doesn't help. It might take a long time to blow up, but it won't end well.
    • Individuals who start sentences with "Actually-" tend to be self-important douchebags who think they know better than everyone else and are determined to prove it at any opportunity. How much of that do you want to tolerate before walking away?
    • People can change over time, but it may take more time and effort than you are willing to give and it's not your job to change them.
    • Those that are simply toxic deserve none of your time. Run and don't look back.
  • Brutally honest self-awareness is the key to being a good friend, lover, or partner.
  • We are wonderful, amazing creatures of great potential, but with that comes complexity and nuance. Enjoy the diversity of the human experience without getting caught up with the downside: Turn your nose to the wind, move forward and let negativity slide off your back.
What are your nuggets of social wisdom?
 

LaFemme

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That is incredibly thoughtful. I really have come to admire and respect you a great deal.

I have a few things that I have learned over the years.

Always be curious - about people, about places, things. Always learn. My friends are shocked at how much I learn about people in short conversations, but I’m honestly curious about people and I listen. I learn about places, trivia about everything, I’m truly curious about how things work.

Let it go. Anger is more about me than them. If I still feel angry about an encounter after 24 hours, than I need to carefully process it with the person - otherwise, let it go. Life is too short to carry grudges and hurt. All it does it raise my blood pressure and hurt me, it does nothing to the person I’m angry with. Forgiveness, not forgetting, is important to my peace of mind.

Enjoy life. Find fun everywhere. Laugh as much as possible. Reframe. I laugh a lot. I find joy in small places. I’m easily amused. I’m a good companion, even to myself.

When it’s time to cut toxic people from your life, cut them out. Be at peace with your decision. If you can’t because they are your family or your current boss, try to make contact on your terms. Also, imagining them bursting into flames while you talk to them helps. Speaking to a pile of ash can give you an internal giggle.

Details are important. No matter how small or unimportant the job is, do your best. I never trust anyone who thinks a job is beneath them. The same with how one treats people. No one is beneath us. Anyone of us could be homeless or mentally ill.

Be kind as much as you can, but don’t suffer fools. Be clear, confident, and educate others. Always defend the those who can’t defend themselves.

That’s all I can think of right now.

Great thread!
 

Enid

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I saw this thread earlier today and while I am still feeling ill, I thought to jot a few things down, because I like the question and think it's thought-provoking. Sorry for disjointed list format because sweaty sick

  • Develop active listening skills
  • Don't be waiting to speak while someone is talking
  • Let anger or ire pass quickly, unless it's appropriate or necessary to make your position known
  • Grudges are usually useless
  • Judgment is best reserved for quiet reflection
  • Don't be that person who is so self-effacing they lose themselves
  • Learn to fake it a little when it comes to social introversion; force yourself to get out there in small, safe increments so you can practice being a little more open
  • Hardly anyone is judging you as harsh as you judge yourself
  • When you hear people laughing, don't assume it's about you (was bullied when younger for my neurological disorder so I did find myself panicking about hearing it for a time)
  • Passion is good! Express it.
  • Sincerity
  • Kindness
  • Levity

Well I started strong, I thought, devolved a little into one word bullets, I blame my sweats. Pardon me while go mop up my brow
 

Enid

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Oh oh!!

I almost forgot. Be grateful to the 3 yous. Past you, present you, future you. Be grateful to the past you for the positive things you've done. And do favors for the future you like you would for your best friend.
 

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Taking time just for yourself on occasion does a world of good, even if it is something as simple/minimal as standing on your balcony breathing fresh air and drinking some tea.

Yes, definitely. We often get caught up with doing something big or demonstrative as a reward for ourselves, but the little, simple things can be just as restorative.
 

Mule

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  • Don't be waiting to speak while someone is talking
These are all great, but that second point is one that I didn't figure out until way after I should have. Being attentive and respectful when others are talking makes an enormous difference.

I hope you feel better!
 
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Mule

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Try to reduce the number of times you use "I" when speaking or writing...even when you are talking or writing about yourself.

That's a good point. As language and cognition are inextricably linked, I could see how this could have an influence on the way you think, too.
 

EllieP

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Mine is moderation. Funny coming from a moderator.

But seriously, I have been laid so low I never thought my daughter and I would see daylight again. I felt as if I were wading in a deep river doing my best just to keep her nose above water while I held my breath. I survived.

And I have been at the top of the food chain and was part of a social circle that was made up of the beautiful people. But the country girl in me knew none of it was real, and the qualifications to belong there meant selling your soul. I survived that one, too.

I've worked at some pretty bad jobs that paid next to nothing. And then I was part of the clique of young urban professionals on the fast track up the corporate ladder. Along with that amazing salary came the privilege of working with sharks. And those sharks had daggers. And then I realized I was one of those back-stabbing sharks too, because that's what you do. Good guys would not last a week. We'd find them on the side of the road full of daggers.

I escaped that one, too.

I own the business now, but I'm not the highest paid person because I don't work the hardest. Uh, I'm here now in the middle of the day! Ok, it's lunch, but still.

One area where I have no moderation: being brutally honest as someone mentioned . That is definitely one of my faults. I really don't know how to temper my responses sometimes with diplomacy when I'm afraid the truth might be hidden. I'll be diplomatic about it, but I'll be honest, too. Sometimes you just can't sugar coat shit. It's just gotta be shit.

And one last thing: I cannot control what people think about me. I'm the only me I know, and I know only one way to be me. Deal with it.
 

Enid

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One area where I have no moderation: being brutally honest as someone mentioned . That is definitely one of my faults.


i know i am just quoting a portion here. but i truly don't see being "brutally honest" as a fault as long as not hurting others intentionally or manipulatively while being so honest. and i cant see ms ellie being that way. i can only see you laying bare real facts which may be brutal for those to hear. i can get on board with that if that's what those people need to hear
 
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EllieP

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i know i am just quoting a portion here. but i truly don't see being "brutally honest" as a fault ...

I don't give a darn what you think!

LOL! Just kidding. Just an example of being brutally honest though. And I really do care about what you think.
 
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