The Straight Guy Crush…Help

[colladbi]

So I’m in a weird situation with a friend who I think may be bi and I wanted to ask people’s thoughts. For the purpose of this I shall call him Tom.

So Tom and I have worked together for a little over 18months. In the last maybe 8months we’ve become very close.

As far as I’ve always known, he’s straight. He’s in a long term relationship with his gf and there has never been any reason to assume otherwise. He’s an intensely private guy too, keeps work and personal life very separate and doesn’t ever talk about anything personal/emotional etc.

That however has started to change with me. As we’ve got closer as friends things have morphed a little. It started off with us spending a lot more time around one another when at work. I started to catch feelings and now I’m a little head over heels with him. Others have noticed how we are around one another leading them to ask questions if something is going on between us. But on a number of occasions they’ve been prompted so not because of my behaviour but because of his behaviour toward me.

Tom seeks me out as much as I seek him. We text non stop when we’re not together, share silly memes constantly and generally are solidly in one another’s orbit at most times. As we’ve got closer Tom has begun to mix personal and work life more in that he’s invited me out with his friends outside of work. He’s confided in me in very personal matters and that is something he just doesn’t do with anyone else. He’s also alluded more and more that maybe he isn’t as happy in his relationship as he lets on.

Friends have commented on things as well. They’ve noticed that when I’m not paying attention he stares at me. When I’m not about he will ask after me, and pay close attention to where I am and what I’m doing in the sense of making sure I’m ok. He’s made a number of comments to friends about wanting to take care of me etc.

I’ve been super careful about how I behave around him because I don’t want it to be obvious that I have feelings for him and ruin our friendship because this is the most important thing above all.

When we’ve been on nights out together, he gets drunk and that’s when he changes even more. He becomes more touchy, putting his arm around me, staring after me when I’m not paying attention and has made many questionable comments. Including the most recent night out where he said “love you” to me twice, which is not his usual behaviour with mates at all.

A colleague also told me that they had observed a conversation in which he had alluded to questioning his sexuality but thinking being anything other than straight would ruin his life. Though I take this information with a huge pinch of salt.

Im openly gay and friends have said on a number of occasions that in his shoes they wouldn’t behave toward me the way he does in the circumstances as a straight guy.

I wonder if he’s bi and this is a strange situation for him. Wondering if any other users have been in similar situations or have any thoughts on what might be occurring here and how to handle it.

I care about him so much, he’s become one of the most important people in my life. Despite my feelings for him, the most important thing to me is protecting our friendship because he means the world to me in that respect. But if there’s a possibility he may feel the same I would love to be with him. It’s a very strange situation

 

[friskydawg]

So I’m in a weird situation with a friend who I think may be bi and I wanted to ask people’s thoughts. For the purpose of this I shall call him Tom.

So Tom and I have worked together for a little over 18months. In the last maybe 8months we’ve become very close.

As far as I’ve always known, he’s straight. He’s in a long term relationship with his gf and there has never been any reason to assume otherwise. He’s an intensely private guy too, keeps work and personal life very separate and doesn’t ever talk about anything personal/emotional etc.

That however has started to change with me. As we’ve got closer as friends things have morphed a little. It started off with us spending a lot more time around one another when at work. I started to catch feelings and now I’m a little head over heels with him. Others have noticed how we are around one another leading them to ask questions if something is going on between us. But on a number of occasions they’ve been prompted so not because of my behaviour but because of his behaviour toward me.

Tom seeks me out as much as I seek him. We text non stop when we’re not together, share silly memes constantly and generally are solidly in one another’s orbit at most times. As we’ve got closer Tom has begun to mix personal and work life more in that he’s invited me out with his friends outside of work. He’s confided in me in very personal matters and that is something he just doesn’t do with anyone else. He’s also alluded more and more that maybe he isn’t as happy in his relationship as he lets on.

Friends have commented on things as well. They’ve noticed that when I’m not paying attention he stares at me. When I’m not about he will ask after me, and pay close attention to where I am and what I’m doing in the sense of making sure I’m ok. He’s made a number of comments to friends about wanting to take care of me etc.

I’ve been super careful about how I behave around him because I don’t want it to be obvious that I have feelings for him and ruin our friendship because this is the most important thing above all.

When we’ve been on nights out together, he gets drunk and that’s when he changes even more. He becomes more touchy, putting his arm around me, staring after me when I’m not paying attention and has made many questionable comments. Including the most recent night out where he said “love you” to me twice, which is not his usual behaviour with mates at all.

A colleague also told me that they had observed a conversation in which he had alluded to questioning his sexuality but thinking being anything other than straight would ruin his life. Though I take this information with a huge pinch of salt.

Im openly gay and friends have said on a number of occasions that in his shoes they wouldn’t behave toward me the way he does in the circumstances as a straight guy.

I wonder if he’s bi and this is a strange situation for him. Wondering if any other users have been in similar situations or have any thoughts on what might be occurring here and how to handle it.

I care about him so much, he’s become one of the most important people in my life. Despite my feelings for him, the most important thing to me is protecting our friendship because he means the world to me in that respect. But if there’s a possibility he may feel the same I would love to be with him. It’s a very strange situation

Since you are “openly gay” then he obviously knows you are gay, right? So maybe just let him know that you have feelings for him but that your friendship is more important unless he wants to take things further. That way the ball is in his court and he can take it from there and you can either become intimate or leave things as they are. Being that he knows you are gay he is not stupid but he is afraid to cross the line. The “thinking he is anything other than straight would ruin his life” comment is rather concerning but he certainly doesn’t seem to care that others have observed his behavior with you. Staring at you? Geez…..that’s not the behavior of a straight guy. He wants to take it to the next level but is afraid. Or maybe don’t even put up with all of this tension and high maintenance…..just continue to be friends and see other guys for sex.

 

[colladbi]

Since you are “openly gay” then he obviously knows you are gay, right? So maybe just let him know that you have feelings for him but that your friendship is more important unless he wants to take things further. That way the ball is in his court and he can take it from there and you can either become intimate or leave things as they are. Being that he knows you are gay he is not stupid but he is afraid to cross the line. The “thinking he is anything other than straight would ruin his life” comment is rather concerning but he certainly doesn’t seem to care that others have observed his behavior with you. Staring at you? Geez…..that’s not the behavior of a straight guy. He wants to take it to the next level but is afraid. Or maybe don’t even put up with all of this tension and high maintenance…..just continue to be friends and see other guys for sex.

This is the thing there is so much behaviour that is not that of a straight guy and the fact that he behaves that way toward me knowing I’m gay. I wouldn’t behave that way for fear of leading someone on.
He’s genuinely one of the most caring, genuine, brilliant people I’ve ever known and I worry about wrecking our friendship, but at the same time I’ve never wanted to be with anyone the way I want to be with him.
That said I also don’t want to be someone’s experiment!

he definitely doesn’t care about what others think, he behaves the way he does toward me knowing how it must look, but that doesn’t stop him.
Weirdly there’s no tension etc, when we’re around one another we’re relaxed and it’s fine. He’s such a good friend and we get each other, the tension is more my own overthinking of everything! Makes me feel like a dumb teenager again… d’oh

 

[friskydawg]

This is the thing there is so much behaviour that is not that of a straight guy and the fact that he behaves that way toward me knowing I’m gay. I wouldn’t behave that way for fear of leading someone on.
He’s genuinely one of the most caring, genuine, brilliant people I’ve ever known and I worry about wrecking our friendship, but at the same time I’ve never wanted to be with anyone the way I want to be with him.
That said I also don’t want to be someone’s experiment!

he definitely doesn’t care about what others think, he behaves the way he does toward me knowing how it must look, but that doesn’t stop him.
Weirdly there’s no tension etc, when we’re around one another we’re relaxed and it’s fine. He’s such a good friend and we get each other, the tension is more my own overthinking of everything! Makes me feel like a dumb teenager again… d’oh

I understand. Emotions are hard to overcome. Hopefully things will play out in a positive way.

 

[halcyondays]

In my experience there are friends and there are lovers and never the twain shall meet. I keep close friends platonic.

Complicating the matter for me would be 1) working together and 2) he's in a relationship.

Crushes are agonizingly intense. The more intense they are the less I trust them.

My advice is to keep your friendship with him platonic if for no other reason than to see if your crush remains intense or wanes. If you're like me a crush is mostly projection of an ideal onto someone who is (or will turn out to be) not ideal.

Remember that no relationship can maintain crush level intensity for long. If we did we'd all burn out. Once a relationship begins we have to start pacing ourselves. And yes I'm speaking for all humans.

 

[Jubilee93]

So I’m in a weird situation with a friend who I think may be bi and I wanted to ask people’s thoughts. For the purpose of this I shall call him Tom.

So Tom and I have worked together for a little over 18months. In the last maybe 8months we’ve become very close.

As far as I’ve always known, he’s straight. He’s in a long term relationship with his gf and there has never been any reason to assume otherwise. He’s an intensely private guy too, keeps work and personal life very separate and doesn’t ever talk about anything personal/emotional etc.

That however has started to change with me. As we’ve got closer as friends things have morphed a little. It started off with us spending a lot more time around one another when at work. I started to catch feelings and now I’m a little head over heels with him. Others have noticed how we are around one another leading them to ask questions if something is going on between us. But on a number of occasions they’ve been prompted so not because of my behaviour but because of his behaviour toward me.

Tom seeks me out as much as I seek him. We text non stop when we’re not together, share silly memes constantly and generally are solidly in one another’s orbit at most times. As we’ve got closer Tom has begun to mix personal and work life more in that he’s invited me out with his friends outside of work. He’s confided in me in very personal matters and that is something he just doesn’t do with anyone else. He’s also alluded more and more that maybe he isn’t as happy in his relationship as he lets on.

Friends have commented on things as well. They’ve noticed that when I’m not paying attention he stares at me. When I’m not about he will ask after me, and pay close attention to where I am and what I’m doing in the sense of making sure I’m ok. He’s made a number of comments to friends about wanting to take care of me etc.

I’ve been super careful about how I behave around him because I don’t want it to be obvious that I have feelings for him and ruin our friendship because this is the most important thing above all.

When we’ve been on nights out together, he gets drunk and that’s when he changes even more. He becomes more touchy, putting his arm around me, staring after me when I’m not paying attention and has made many questionable comments. Including the most recent night out where he said “love you” to me twice, which is not his usual behaviour with mates at all.

A colleague also told me that they had observed a conversation in which he had alluded to questioning his sexuality but thinking being anything other than straight would ruin his life. Though I take this information with a huge pinch of salt.

Im openly gay and friends have said on a number of occasions that in his shoes they wouldn’t behave toward me the way he does in the circumstances as a straight guy.

I wonder if he’s bi and this is a strange situation for him. Wondering if any other users have been in similar situations or have any thoughts on what might be occurring here and how to handle it.

I care about him so much, he’s become one of the most important people in my life. Despite my feelings for him, the most important thing to me is protecting our friendship because he means the world to me in that respect. But if there’s a possibility he may feel the same I would love to be with him. It’s a very strange situation

I would just ask him. Just say to him you've noticed a few things and ask him if there's anything he wants to talk about, because you're his friend and he can talk to you about anything. Don't go into it with the intention of 'getting with' him, go into it with the intention of helping a friend who might be struggling.

 

[ndamood4sum]

This is the thing there is so much behaviour that is not that of a straight guy and the fact that he behaves that way toward me knowing I’m gay. I wouldn’t behave that way for fear of leading someone on.
He’s genuinely one of the most caring, genuine, brilliant people I’ve ever known and I worry about wrecking our friendship, but at the same time I’ve never wanted to be with anyone the way I want to be with him.
That said I also don’t want to be someone’s experiment!

he definitely doesn’t care about what others think, he behaves the way he does toward me knowing how it must look, but that doesn’t stop him.
Weirdly there’s no tension etc, when we’re around one another we’re relaxed and it’s fine. He’s such a good friend and we get each other, the tension is more my own overthinking of everything! Makes me feel like a dumb teenager again… d’oh

I don't believe you are overthinking, if he is as good of a friend as you say he is, I'd stay just friends until he works though his problems at home in his relationship before trying to get involved an anything else with him. If you really care for/about him KEEP OVERTHINKING because I would hate to see that friendship go away because he thought he felt a certain way or wanted something more.

 

[MerBoy]

I've got something similar going on. I don't want to do anything to ruin the friendship but the not knowing is driving me crazy. And then I can't help but feel like I might lose him to someone else. I think the dynamic is just different between us than what he might get from a girl, so that appeals to him, but maybe he doesn't really have it in him to go further with it? Or doesn't want to deal with that? I talk my way around my feelings sometimes to give him a chance to speak. He just says everything's cool with him. I've told him I think the weirdness we have between us is sweet and I hope it's something we can always have. I like liking him.

 

[Inputpower1]

You need to spend some time alone… at the gym, on a trip. Something that includes sweating, changing of clothes, one-on-one time (like hours in a car), alcohol, etc. Spend time together… enjoying each other. It sounds like you two may be connected on a spiritual level. Some type of special connection that is more than friendship, more than lust. Don’t give it labels. He needs to be able to enjoy YOU without it changing his life. Don’t try to seduce him. Hang out. He may become your best friend or it may lead to sexual intimacy. See what happens.

 

[BMJ31]

Let him bring it up and you guys dicuss it.. In most cases sleeping w a good friend doesn't end well….

 

[Jhayesum]

update?

 

[deleted1208118]

Please whatever you do, above all. Stop talking about this situation with every other co-worker before him.

If something goes down one way or the other that's bound to be a bad surprise for him. realising he has been scrutinised by everyone behind his back about his sexuality.

 

[colladbi]

Please whatever you do, above all. Stop talking about this situation with every other co-worker before him.

If something goes down one way or the other that's bound to be a bad surprise for him. realising he has been scrutinised by everyone behind his back about his sexuality.

To be clear I’ve not talked about it like that at all. When I said others have commented, yes they have but I’ve never discussed anything. Just said no we’re just friends. I certainly wouldn’t do that to him

 

[xpun4av]

I'm the absolute least qualified to be giving relationship advice, but something came to mind reading your story that might be worth considering. Is it possible that, if the two of you were ever to "cross the line" or whatever, he might see that as having cheated on his girlfriend and then blame you for it? (As in sort of a gay panic?) It seems like that would be pretty disastrous and support the option of continuing as you are and letting him work out his issues in his own time, at least as long as he and his gf are together.

I can identify a little, having had a crush on a straight co-worker once. The not knowing and the heartache really suck. I hope things will turn out well for both of you.

 

[deleted1208118]

To be clear I’ve not talked about it like that at all. When I said others have commented, yes they have but I’ve never discussed anything. Just said no we’re just friends. I certainly wouldn’t do that to him

I'm glad, In my opinion as with everything in life, honesty and assertiveness can fix any situation. There is nothing embarrassing about explaining the situation clearly making sure he understands your point of view and how much you appreciate his company and friendship above all.

 

[sexy1234567]

As someone that has had countless straight crushes, but only sort of endulged in one of em, my strong advice is: do not act. At most you will be allowed to confess you think think he is handsome if you are drunk. Ideally you are both drunk. You need to remember that the only think you KNOW for certain is that you, an open gay man, has a crush on someone that has told you and has lived his life to date as a straight man. Your perception of any one event is going to be in bias of favoring what it is you want, which is your sexy, loyal friend.

Worst case scenario, but the one I have heard here before. You endulge. You make out. Suck his cock. Naked fun. The next day things seem fine. Then after that the texting becomes less frequent. You ask if he is okay with what happened. He says he is fine. Just busy. You soon find he is always busy. You eventually realize that he can't handle his feelings and associates you with a lifestyle temptation that could change his life for the worst, that he can keep his gay feelings in check by just not being around you. You are now associated with a threat to his heterosexuality. Out of sight, out of mind. The friendship is over.

Can you accept that outcome? Because no matter what you think, that could happen. If getting some cock is worth it. Go for it. Otherwise, let him make the first moves and initiate everything, including homo talk.

 

[Bigunky]

I want updates if this goes further hehe

 

[AllTheColorsOfTheWind]

My advice? Keep it to yourself and preserve the friendship. He has a long term girlfriend, you're not going to change that and it would be disrespectful to even try.

Just enjoy having him as a friend without creeping on him.

 

[axeten]

I've done this dance over and over again since I was in college. I don't know if I have any good advice for you because it's only ever ended in disaster for me.
For validation's sake, you're not crazy, and it is his feelings that are a mystery probably even to him. He probably does like you. He probably isn't 100% straight, if such a thing truly exists.
My warning would be that "straight" guys or undiagnosed bisexual guys, always ultimately choose to remain "straight." Bisexual men are way more common than we think, but almost never ever come out or act on their feelings.
Good luck though! Be careful and enjoy your time together, but I would work on moving on very delicately.

Or, just tell him how YOU feel, without putting the pressure on him or being accusatory.

 

[PanicMotion1984]

As others have stated, been down this road before. Usually doesn’t work out so great, but life is about experiencing and becoming a better person for it all so learn your lessons how you see fit. As messed up as these relationships can be, it does feel like pure bliss while you’re in that discovery period. Can’t fault you for wanting to experience that.

If you’re gonna go down this road, my advice to you would be stop thinking about his sexuality all together. That’s for him to figure out and to be honest it’s so complicated that only he can figure it out where he is on that spectrum. You only need to think about your own relationship with him and what you two are getting out of it and is it worth the energy. I’ve noticed in these types of relationships there’s a couple of needs these guys have:

- Emotional needs. Maybe his girlfriend is not someone he connects with outside of sex and other boring shit he’s subjected to by nature of living a heteronormative life. It sounds like he feels safe with you. That’s a good thing too, even if there is no sexual attraction. But also don’t let a bitch use you either.

- Sexual attraction/curiosity. Maybe it’s all guys or maybe it’s just you. Again we can never know at this stage, but sometimes these dudes just run across a baddy daddy and they can’t help themselves. Is it your walk? Your specific combination of the feminine and the masculine? Maybe you’re the one and only guy he’d ever even considered in bed. Who cares? Margaret Cho once said I’m “I-Sexual” as in do I wanna have sex with you? And for a joke it completely changed the way I viewed sexuality.

- Attention Seeking/Ego. I have met dudes who immediately upon finding out I’m gay will do everything they can to make sure I know they’re not only cool with it, but wanna know if I think they’re hot for the sake of their own ego. It’s almost like this flirt game to see if I’ll bite in order to prove they got it, whatever IT is. I used to fall for this, but You can have a lot of fun with these guys when you get good at spotting them. He doesn’t sound like this guy because he hangs out with you and sounds like there’s an emotional connection but sometimes that’s tied to attention seeking as well.

And it could be any combination of these simultaneously!

The last thing I’ll add is that people also change. I don’t know how long you will have this person in your life, but I’ve made some very long lasting friendships from relationships that have started out exactly as your are describing. Some of the friends who said they were straight specifically after they knew I was into them have come out as something other than straight And propositioned me for sex well after they got married to a woman and had kids. Sometimes I reject them for the sake of the friendship and sometimes it’s because they’re heteronormative life hasn’t aged them so well and they’re not attractive to me anymore. Then I laugh in gay childless youth all the way home with my money that’s just for me.

Good luck with wherever this takes you!