The Stuff Dudes Say During Sex...

Tattooed Goddess

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My bestie and I compare notes about the funny stuff dudes say during or after sex. They may not mean any of it but it's still interesting to hear what other women have experienced.

Dudes often say things like:

I want the lifetime membership
I'm going to change your last name
Oh i want this all for myself
Whose pussy is this?
I own this
I want to wake up every morning to you
Are you sure you're not a porn star?

Surely y'all have some good one liners a dude will rip out when he is in pleasure. I need some weird ones like:

Oh baby I'm gonna make you a roast and some pies...

Lol
 

Tattooed Goddess

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Again, thank Glob for the gay.

I wouldn't be able to not laugh at any of the above :joy:

When a guy says *I want this pussy all to myself* you should see the look on my face. It's kinda like this and sometimes I might be taking a ball to the face. Lolz

20190914_151907.jpg
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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I wouldn't be able to remain civil if someone I was having casual sex with talked to me like that during the act.

I'd shut it down in a hot second, and that'd probably be the last dude ever heard from me.

I like dirty talk, but I'm picky as fuck about the words/phrases I want to hear. My advice to human kind relating to dirty talk: don't engage in it at all until you know your partner well enough to know what to say. Randomly blurting out things isn't a good call in my personal opinion.
 

Tattooed Goddess

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Not everything can be pre planned or negotiated. At this point a 100 hour interview and a background check on the picks of the litter is rendering few results. I'm not going to be so picky that I literally rule out every possible dude. The lay can still be good. I've noticed tantric sex makes a man say things regarding exclusivity.
 

LaFemme

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Not a new story, pretty sure all y'all old timers have heads this before...

There was one dude who got kicked out of bed for friggin awful dirty talk. Asking if I could feel him in my womb and such. Blech.
The womb?! That one cracks me up. The womb. The freakin’ womb.
 

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The womb?! That one cracks me up. The womb. The freakin’ womb.

Fucking goddamn morons have NO IDEA what that word actually means.

The womb is where our babies stay with us during pregnancy. Your stupid dick isn't capable of entering that space.

Fucking. Morons.
 

LaFemme

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Fucking goddamn morons have NO IDEA what that word actually means.

The womb is where our babies stay with us during pregnancy. Your stupid dick isn't capable of entering that space.

Fucking. Morons.
I know, right? No concept of anatomy.
 

Tattooed Goddess

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I'd knock them out cold with my medical knowledge. If he mentioned womb I'd retort *yeah stud, hit that Pouch of Douglass like you own it. Stretch these round ligaments like a champ!*
 

MickeyLee

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Not from dudes, but I've gotten I love yous. I've gotten spontaneous uncontrollable giggle fits or crying. I personally have gotten orgasmic hickups it's a thing, my partner asked if I needed something to drink.. does that count?

Since I bed down with like minded weirdos I've gotten what is in retrospect an unsettling number of movie quotes. Heaps of early seasons Winchester quotes.

One time a play pal let out a Xena power cry.

I've also been in earshot of some super hot libido scorching filth talk. My response of a quick 3 second check out to acknowledge just how fucking hot/nasty my playpal is has been pretty damn funny.
 

AlteredEgo

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This is an old story at this point. The venue has closed. I don't even know 2/3 of the others involved anymore. I had some hilarious times in Miami though.

There was a dude who was somewhere on a blurred line between FWB and boyfriend. The relationship was the former, but we did love each other and he generally introduced me as his girlfriend, even to his mother. She was sharp though, and knew the deal. She introduced me to people as his friend. I remember his sister sped over to get a good look at me when she heard about me. I was, apparently, the first woman he'd brought home of the same ethnicity in a very long time.

He managed a wine bar. I used to sit at the bar driving up revenue and tips letting other men ply me with drinks, pretending not to know the guy behind the bar. He liked watching other people flirt with me. I liked watching women flirt with him. This only went sideways once. Some dude kept buying me wine. I had told him two things. He cpuld only buy me me drinks if he was generous with the staff. I was not going to go home with him nor give him my number. But a few hours later, the owner came in, asked my guy if I had a tab, and then told him to comp it. The dude sitting with me was mad that I was friends with the owner.

Anyway. After that, my guy used to have me wait for him in a cabana out back after that. He said I was his little troublemaker. LOL I used to bloe out the candle, and from the darkness, I could then see into the other cabanas. I watched a lot of drunk people getting frisky.

One slow night, a friend of my dude's brought a woman to the bar. She was really pretty. She was self conscious about a skin condition that was leaving pale splotches all over her back. I thought it looked exotic and even sexier. For some reason, she stripped to her panties. I wasn't "allowed" to wear panties and had mine in my purse, but they were the same ones she had on! I stripped too, and put on mine. We were both really pleased with ourselves and each other. Her dude came out to the cabana, and I had him take some pictures of us on my dude's phone. The lady was getting very handsy, and we kissed a little. I didn't know her, and she was all three sheets to the wind, so I didn't allow her to escalate further.

Horny and frustrated, she turned her attention to her companion. I never did see her again, but he and I were friends, and he joined some group sex scenarios I was in with my dude.

That night, he was trashed, and he loudly made some of the weirdest proclaimations I have ever heard. I wish I could remember them all. My dude found a few minutes to join us. I had been watching the lady blow our mutual acquaintance. I started sucking my dude's cock while he watched the other pair. I had to stop though. Partially becaise the weird shit coming out of his buddy's mouth was having a deflating effect on his erection, and partially because it was all so ridiculous I was laughing too hard. Shorty must have liked though. Her enthusiasm was unwavering.

The only thing I remember is he kept telling her, "I'm gonna fuck your skull!" And he just kept getting louder and louder until we told him to be quiet. The last thing he said was, "Oh, your eyes are so gorgeous! Your face is so pretty! I'm fucking your beautiful skull!"

Things are a lot funnier to me after a bottle of cava.

He always had weird stuff to say. I remember a different get together where the woman who fucked him told me she was never again coming out to play if our dude invited that guy too. What I just found ridiculous she found too obnoxious. I can see her point. Ultimately he stopped getting invitations because he crossed some kind of boundary by asking my dude for my number one day. I would never have been able to perform sexually with him without the thrill of an audience, but my dude was too offended he'd asked at all. Every once in a while I speak with my old FWB. I always ask him how Skull Fucker is doing. He's involved with professional tennis. I usually spot him during the U.S. Open. You ever catch me laughing my face off while Serena is killing it, just know I saw a familiar face in the background.
 

ArtAppreciation

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Omg I should say that during bed *nice dick yo. Should marry a bro like you one day*

Nice. If he has a dog, you can follow it up with an excited, genuine ‘AWW you are SUCH a good boy!” Sincerely compliment the dog first.

Then once the excitement has died down. Turn to him and say this weakly, forcing yourself to admit it, really quite reluctant....”And....(barely perceptible sigh) You’re... you’re a good boy too”
 

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Not from dudes, but I've gotten I love yous. I've gotten spontaneous uncontrollable giggle fits or crying. I personally have gotten orgasmic hickups it's a thing, my partner asked if I needed something to drink.. does that count?

What. Are. Orgasmic. Hickups.

I would probably have just googled it but the last time I did that based on something Fade said....I’m still recovering from that :joy:

I totally believe that it’s a thing
 
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