The Thing That Should Not Be

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by morsecode, Jul 23, 2008.

  1. morsecode

    morsecode New Member

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    I've been debating with myself if I should write this or not, but I've come to the conclusion that I should let it out and ask for some kind of assistance even if it is on an Internet forum.

    I know that my problems aren't exactly new, and probably I've made them sound worse than they are, but bear with me please.

    I'm not a very social person, I shy away from gatherings of people, I guess it is because of some kind of fear, a fear that I don't know how to handle. However, it is not a phobia, if I absolutely have to put myself in that sort of situation I brave on, is just that I prefer not to do so, but the problem is that I am yearning for contact, a true friend, a true love, anything, so I got this conflict inside my head where I really really really want something, but I don't really want, or am too afraid, or shy to get it.

    I don't really have any self-esteem, ever since I was 13, I almost never talked during my school years, I was afraid of fellow students, specially since lots of them were brutal. I remember at 14 I got ambushed and got the shit kicked out of me, after this girl told me that she wanted to meet me after school on an empty field near the school. After that I went into a reclusive state, and became very angry and bitter, now at 21 (soon-to-be 22) I'm not so much that guy, but still I got some remnants of it.

    It probably doesn't come as a surprise that I'm a virgin, and haven't kissed or even held hands with a woman before. Now, I'm not only seeking for sex, I guess I have to take everything in baby steps, I'm seeking a companion, some one I can trust and not worry too much around, I want to be trusted too. I know most people look for it, but most people have some basis on how to get that, I don't know anything, and is really frustrating, I don't really want to feel like unwanted ugly vermin anymore.

    I should stop know, thanks if you read the whole thing.
     
  2. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    I would suggest you go see a counselor. They can help you work through your feelings, and work on your self-esteem. You can get better. Don't give up. :smile:
     
  3. avg_joe

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    Go to a gym, and do some sports which will raise your self-esteem.
     
  4. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Seeking therapy might be an embarrassing thing at first but it helps a lot.
     
  5. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

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    take a piece of paper...
    write down everything that's good about yourself that you can think of...
    it can be the smallest thing, like "i have nice hair" or anything...

    once you have that list...read it every day...and believe it...

    that will help build your confidence...

    confidence is an attractive thing...

    once you establish it, you will begin to attract others...
     
  6. Rendell

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    Life is all about challenges and goals. You should make a simple small goal for yourself and try to accomplish it. Something easy that you like. Like avg_joe said if you aren't a gym guy then something that you enjoy doing that will also help you to feel better about YOU!
    And definately talk to a counselor someone who will help you. If you are unsure where to start or how to find one. Check with the local library they have tons of resources. Heck you might even find a good book there to help you out.
     
  7. nashboy

    nashboy Active Member

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    a therapist would be a great thing for you...someone you can tell anything to...and they are someone outsode that is completely objective...
     
  8. Not_Punny

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    Therapy is for people with severe trauma and ACTUAL mental illness.

    However, self esteem is a PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT issue, which is an entirely different subject.

    Self esteem is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to develop it.

    Confidence and competence go together hand-in-glove. Develop one and you automatically develop the other.

    Pick small things and get good at them. For example, get really good at...

    -- opening doors for girls
    -- saying hello to strangers (start with guys if you're nervous)

    Meanwhile, pick a sport and do it several times a week, and work to get really good at it.

    MEANWHILE, volunteer somewhere to work with children. You'll bump into a LOT of women that way, and with kids around, there will always be something to talk about.

    This will help you boost your social graces with women.

    Remember, this isn't a mental illness -- this is an area you can EXERCISE and DEVELOP!!


    _ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ..

    . _ .. .. _ _ . _ . _ . _

    (that's Morse code for "good luck") :wink:
     
  9. arrivaderciroma

    arrivaderciroma New Member

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    All of the above is good advice. If you take it, you win. If you ignore it, you lose.
     
  10. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    Being tricked by the girl and getting the daylights beat out of you would be traumatic.
     
  11. Dave NoCal

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    I have to take exception to Not Punny's comment that therapy is only for serious trauma and/or actual mental illness.
    In reality, people who are seriously mentally ill rarely benefit from "talk therapy." Conversely, people who have persistent, repetitive problems and challenges in human relationships often benefit most, partly because the theraeutic relationship can provide a new experience of acceptance and insight that generalizes out to other relationships.
    It's a very short step from saying that therapy is for mentally ill people to saying that people who are in therapy are mentally ill. This stigmatizes a service that can often be very beneficial and those who avail themselves of it.
    Dave
     
  12. morsecode

    morsecode New Member

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    Thanks for your responses, all of you.

    I have to say that I've been to one counselors and one psychologist before, the shrink was in Venezuela, before moving to Canada when I was 18, he wasn't of much help, the counselor here gave me a what the fuck look when I told him of something in particular, and that put me off, and stopped going. I don't think I'll be going to one of these guys anytime soon. Finally the doc gave me pills, and they made me a bit better, but I guess they were too late because I got kicked out of the University anyways.

    So I guess this is something I have to work out by myself...I don't go the gym, but I have a bunch of free weights and resistance bands and work out in my house with them, and I'm finally buying a new guitar, I had to leave my old one, so my skills are lacking but hopefully I can regain them, and maybe be in a band, I always wanted to be in a band.
     
  13. CALAMBO

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    morse...feeling sorry for you...you feel sorry for you...maybe we all do...but get a hold of yourself...life can be full of good and bad...roll with it...get some help...all of the above is great info...enjoy life....most of us have lived thru much worse things...you will too...to are a good looking fella...trust yourself to be the man you want to be...you can do it...you owe to yourself..your family to be a man and enjoy what men need and deserve..please seek help...writing your story is first step...to the rest of your life...we are rooting for you dude..
     
  14. fun30013

    fun30013 Member

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    Therapy is for people with severe trauma and ACTUAL mental illness. - Wrong, it is for anyone who needs a person who can decode the mystery of the mind to guide them!!

    However, self esteem is a PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT issue, which is an entirely different subject. Yes and No - what we do not know is childhood development. This is a blanket statement and one if the history of his family is negative could be harmful to advise.

    Self esteem is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to develop it. AMEN!!

    Confidence and competence go together hand-in-glove. Develop one and you automatically develop the other. Not too sure I can agree 100% on this, but I see what you are trying to say, and I have to say very good!!

    MEANWHILE, volunteer somewhere to work with children. You'll bump into a LOT of women that way, and with kids around, there will always be something to talk about. To do volunteer work with the youth in hopes of meeting Mom is a poor reason to spend time with kids! How about a social group for singles???

    This will help you boost your social graces with women.

    Remember, this isn't a mental illness -- this is an area you can EXERCISE and DEVELOP!!

    I think what you are trying to say is awesome and to a degree I concur, but mental health is very complex and to give advice must be done so as to encourage those to seek a therapist who can reveal all the issues that may be attached.

    Please know I am not trying to start an issue, just I work in healthcare and I see some really sad things because folks do ask for help....and to be honest nothing could be better for ones self esteem then saying I can't do this alone!!
     
  15. Hard2hold8

    Hard2hold8 New Member

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    I'm not sure if this is real or not. For someone so good looking, I would imagine that your social calendar would be full.

    With that being said, I do have some experience with the same thing and found that working out was a blessing. I started to go to classes at the local YMCA. I was very overweight and low self esteem. I actually walked out of the first step class because I couldn't keep up. The second and third too. But I keep trying. I also started to lift. I never met anyone the fist few months, but after seeing regulars there all the time I got used to seeing them.
    I did finally make some friends there after being approached after a class. It was a guy that said "you have really started to make headway" and we keep talking ever since (just Friends)
    It's a start.
    Just thought my past my help
     
  16. Steinweg9

    Steinweg9 New Member

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  17. Viking_UK

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    I don't agree that therapy is always the answer. In some cases, it can make problems worse. You don't have to confront an issue to move on from it, but some therapists seem to believe that you have to relive a traumatic experience and understand it and feel everything again before you can set it aside. It does work in some cases, but not in all, and quite often you find that the therapists who believe in that route of treatment have a long list of regular clients as opposed to a long list of former clients.

    If you're looking at therapy, don't just pick one from the Yellow Pages and don't go for the one who offers 12 sessions for the price of ten.

    Having had a quick look at your gallery, I'd say you were a handsome guy and you look pretty fit, so you shouldn't have any self-esteem issues based on your looks. If you're feeling down, rather than prescribing pills, a lot of doctors in the UK are now prescribing exercise, especially jogging and cycling outdoors as the benefits are many and varied and don't have the accompanying side-effects of a lot of drugs. That would be something to talk to your doctor about. Another plus point of early morning jogging is that once you've been doing it for a while, you'll get become familiar enough with the other regular joggers to say hi, have a short conversation and maybe even become friends.

    Another bit of advice I'd give, which I know is a bit trite, but it's valid, is to smile at people. They'll probably smile back and seeing someone smile at you is only a little thing but it's a big boost to your day. You've made two people feel better and it's cost you nothing and you never know, one of these girls you smile at on the train or on the street could be your future wife.
     
  18. Mr. Bungle

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    In the Huge Tits On A Thin Body thread
    It was kinda funny - when I saw the title of your post, I'm such a metalhead that I was thinking you were referring to the Metallica song by the same name (track 3 on their 1986 Master of Puppets album) but when I read your post, I identified immediately.

    I'll tell ya bro, I was like that for a long period of time. In high school and college, I'd keep to myself a lot, not really going out; I'd just stay by myself and practice the guitar, read, or do whatever to keep myself preoccupied. I'm STILL really not the most social person in the world... I enjoy being by myself the vast majority of the time, to the point where I almost have to prepare myself when I go to any type of social gathering.

    And I'm in my mid 30s!! I thought I would have gotten over it by now...

    but in ya know what?

    I've learned to accept it and adapt to social situations rather than dismiss any type of contact with people, because we're human, and it's inevitable that we'll find ourselves in a situation where we'll need to be social at some point in time. Whether it be a work-related function, a party, or just out in public when someone might happen to just strike up a random conversation with me. I don't have the highest self-esteem on the planet, but I've learned to just go with the flow and be myself, based solely on the fact that I've been in a lot of situations where sitting in the corner and hiding from the world is simply not an option. It took some time, trial and error, and balls, but that's just how it is, and that's the world we live in.

    I know exactly how you feel, definitely shoot me a PM or something if you need to. There are lots of people who know just what you're going thru.
     
  19. morsecode

    morsecode New Member

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    Hi, After a "move" to Montreal, nothing permanent, (I wish), just visiting my dad, I'm back, to my low posting rate self.

    It's real, I don't consider myself attractive at all, thanks for the compliment though, I guess. I'm going to the YMCA now, I'll try to go most days, I didn't go before, because I quite frankly don't want to be surrounded by lots and lots of people, but I'll guess I'd have to go early in the morning because my dad told me that that particular Y gets filled pretty badly.

    I agree with you on the therapy thing, it may be useful for lots of people, not for me though, at least not know, not with my bias against therapists.

    I sometimes smile, (I can't smile to guys, I just nod, when is sort of appropriate), but girls tend to look away, or looked creeped out, or just give me their backs, it's tiring.

    METALLICA \m/ Master of Puppets is a classic of music in general, every song is outstanding, but I guess is nice to know I'm not the only one that went through this shit at some point in time
     
  20. oldriver

    oldriver New Member

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    You just need to talk with someone, whenever. Send me a PM or reply here. I'll listen, then give you my opinion, for whatever that's worth. I just lost a very good friend in a horrible industrial accident and maybe I'm looking for -- what is it called? -- bonding with someone. Don't give up, partner.
     
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