The Thing That Should Not Be

[oldriver]

morsecode,

Somebody is spying on you, sent me one of your threads. Pardon my sports ignorance but who is Michael Ballack? I'm more familiar with golf.

 

[morsecode]

Ballack is a german soccer player, who's Tiger Woods? :wink:

 

[bigmoochie]

In putting ourselves out there to meet others we run the risk of rejection. I'm an out-of-work actor . . . I know all about rejection! It's not easy. I'm also very shy &, were it not for my 3 best friends - especially my roomie Noah, I don't think I'd get out very much. I spend very little personal time online but I read, I watch films, I work out & play sports, I play guitar. But I have buddies who I can rely on. It would be very difficult without them. Most of the girls I've ever dated I've met through them. Except the girl I'm seeing now, who I met almost by accident, a fluke really. You never know when you're going to meet someone. But you won't meet anyone if you don't get out there!

Moresecode, do you have any hobbies? Over a year ago, I got into photography. Real photography where I develop my own black & white film in my kitchen sink. Look into a hobby that would get you out among other people. Take a class in something that interests you at your local junior college (or whatever they have up there in Canada), a class that would get you involved with other people directly. How about ballrooom or swing dancing? Or . . . I kid you not, square dancing? I know a guy who met a really lovely girl in such a class! And it's fun - it's exercise! And I don't care if the women there are not girls you'd seriously think about seeing. Your confidence will rise just learning & interacting with people! My years as an actor taught me this; if you do something you've never done before & keep at it, you'll get better at it & have this amazing sense of accomplishment. That's how I feel about my photography! It makes me feel amazing to develop some crappy pictures I took on a $25 plastic Holga & post them to my Flikr page or give to others for birthday or Christmas gifts. It's a wonderful self-esteem building thing.

I also agree with the suggestion to begin a regular exercise program. That means cardio at least 3 times a week & some sort of weight lifting. Here in CA, we've had some horrible fires recently & I was unable to go on my jogs for almost a month, the smoke was so bad. My body missed the effort. In case you don't know, our bodies actually produce feel-good chemicals, like endorphins, when we work out! Seriously, a routine exercise program would help you immensely! Your goal might not be to look like a bodybuilder but, like mine is, to be fit & healthy. That's a good goal. If you currently don't exercise, start by taking a walk in your neighborhood (if it's safe). You begin to feel better about yourself within a week or so. I promise.

If talking would help, PM me or any of the others here who've offered (if I know the folks on this site, they mean it from the heart - most of them). Therapy might help in your situation, it's helped with some friends of mine but I'm not big on it. If you're religious, see your priest or pastor for guidance. Try reading the Bible, if you don't - start with the New Testament. Even if you're not a believer, I guarantee you will find something you don't expect there that will help you.

Also, & I think this is VERY important: Project what you want to get back. It's been referred to as the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Smile at people. Wish them a good day. When others say "thank you" to you, say "you're welcome" back to them & . . . here's the kicker . . . mean it! I firmly believe that it's all about love, folks. Show others - all others, even those you find it hard to get along with - love at all times. That love will come back to you. Paul wrote it: "In the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take." There is so much beauty in our world. It's so much fun to add to that beauty by being kind & loving. It's much to easy to be nasty & bitchy, frankly. That way lies the darkside, padawan! I agree with the other poster that getting out to volunteer at a soup kitchen or other such thing would help you, too. Do something totally selfless &, in doing so, you'll find more of yourself! The more I lose who I am in doing things for others, the more I feel I become who I really am. But that's just me. I like doing that stuff.

For me, it's all about discipline. Keeping yourself busy doing thing that interest you & keep your mind & body engaged in a positive direction. I was depressed for about 2 years & it took a toll on my body. I know what it's like. Do NOT give up. Always make the concerted effort to be positive, to make the positive choice rather than the choice that will support poor self-esteem.

Take if from my experience - & this may sound like new-agey platitude bullshit but it's very true: You are loved. Even if you don't realize it yet!

Sorry, pal, I went on too long. I hope this helps. You are not alone.

 

[bigmoochie]

One last thing . . . yeah, I know . . .

Don't make your self-esteem contingent on what others think about you. That's giving other way too much power over you. You need to drive that bus, brother. But remember, getting behind that wheel means you're going to be going somewhere . . . :biggrin1:

 

[thickboyTX]

Hey man -

1. You are a handsome gent.

2. I've had a lot of experiences in my (short) time, including working in some pretty nasty industries (fashion, magazines, film). I've been in situations where I've been rejected for any number of reasons; I've been in situations where I've had to reject people. What I've learned is that 98% of what people think of you is simply a reflection of what you think of yourself. The person who you think will give you a withering stare will just as soon return a smile -- if that's what you project.

This is why a lot of people are offering advice - work out, play sports, etc - because those things make you feel good about yourself. It's true.

My bits of advice are simple, and I've found them pretty much universally true:

a. Smile.
b. Speak clearly and loudly.
c. Don't ever be afraid to ask (politely) for what you want.

This, in my opinion, is the anatomy of confidence. You'd be amazed how people will react. "Shy" will be a moot point. You'll make that connection you want. And once you do the first time, every other time it will be so much easier.

Plus, you've got great features.

I've been debating with myself if I should write this or not, but I've come to the conclusion that I should let it out and ask for some kind of assistance even if it is on an Internet forum.

I know that my problems aren't exactly new, and probably I've made them sound worse than they are, but bear with me please.

I'm not a very social person, I shy away from gatherings of people, I guess it is because of some kind of fear, a fear that I don't know how to handle. However, it is not a phobia, if I absolutely have to put myself in that sort of situation I brave on, is just that I prefer not to do so, but the problem is that I am yearning for contact, a true friend, a true love, anything, so I got this conflict inside my head where I really really really want something, but I don't really want, or am too afraid, or shy to get it.

I don't really have any self-esteem, ever since I was 13, I almost never talked during my school years, I was afraid of fellow students, specially since lots of them were brutal. I remember at 14 I got ambushed and got the shit kicked out of me, after this girl told me that she wanted to meet me after school on an empty field near the school. After that I went into a reclusive state, and became very angry and bitter, now at 21 (soon-to-be 22) I'm not so much that guy, but still I got some remnants of it.

It probably doesn't come as a surprise that I'm a virgin, and haven't kissed or even held hands with a woman before. Now, I'm not only seeking for sex, I guess I have to take everything in baby steps, I'm seeking a companion, some one I can trust and not worry too much around, I want to be trusted too. I know most people look for it, but most people have some basis on how to get that, I don't know anything, and is really frustrating, I don't really want to feel like unwanted ugly vermin anymore.

I should stop know, thanks if you read the whole thing.

 

[hockeyguy741]

there is a lot of good advice here the self esteeem and confidence will come...make little goals for yourself and force yourself into social situations where you can meet people go to the rec center and learn to ice skate or go swimming,help out at an animal shelter with the feeding, the spca where I live are allways looking for people to walk the dogs

You need to put the past behind you I know that sounds easy but whats more important is the present and the future you cant change yesterday but you can change tomorrow

Everyone stuggles with confidence and self esteem at some level so your no different and not everone will like you and that's ok...remember your ok

 

[D_Portelay Porquesword]

Therapy is for people with severe trauma and ACTUAL mental illness.

However, self esteem is a PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT issue, which is an entirely different subject.

Self esteem is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to develop it.

Confidence and competence go together hand-in-glove. Develop one and you automatically develop the other.

Pick small things and get good at them. For example, get really good at...

-- opening doors for girls
-- saying hello to strangers (start with guys if you're nervous)

Meanwhile, pick a sport and do it several times a week, and work to get really good at it.

MEANWHILE, volunteer somewhere to work with children. You'll bump into a LOT of women that way, and with kids around, there will always be something to talk about.

This will help you boost your social graces with women.

Remember, this isn't a mental illness -- this is an area you can EXERCISE and DEVELOP!!


_ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ..

. _ .. .. _ _ . _ . _ . _

(that's Morse code for "good luck") :wink:

I have had similar problems my entire life. I am a gay man, so as you can imagine on my side of the fence things don't get any easier.

I have read self help books, meditated, forced myself to be more assertive in public situations and as Not Punny mentions, that muscle is beginning to grow and develop.

Many of us can be our own worst enemy, F.alse E.xpectations A.ppearing R.eal can also be a huge hindrance to our personal growth and emotional development.

Working out for me has started to change aspects of my physical appearance, it is the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do for myself. I have a list of goals posted on the back of my door that I read everyday. I also have a copy of them in a book beside the bed, I read them every night before going to bed. (memory can be selective)

Believe in yourself, and as Winston Churchill said "Never, never, never give up."

All the best to you on your journey.

 

[dcw4]

morse:
i just read your story and it broke my heart,
I had similar beatings, but not like that!
I would have a hard time trusting others also, but im sure you can do it.

I also had to look at your picture.

YOU ARE VERY GOOD LOOKING. VERY HANDSOME.

Your masculine features and vulnerbility can be a plus.

Please do something , anything about your situation,
It will be far worse to do nothing (like I did) then look back at
your pics, and think "damn, i was good looking, why didnt i enjoy it?"

time goes very, very fast.

dcw4

 

[morsecode]

well I thank everyone who posted here and showed me some useful tips to help me overcome what I've been going through, but I think I'm going to back off for a while, this site is so sexually charged, not per se, but it reminds me of something I ain't using, it's making my head burst, and it's not like my own dick is so damn spectacular...oh well, back to the drawing board, lets see what I can salvage.

 

[Tru_Unhung]

Therapy is for people with severe trauma and ACTUAL mental illness.

However, self esteem is a PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT issue, which is an entirely different subject.

Self esteem is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to develop it.

Confidence and competence go together hand-in-glove. Develop one and you automatically develop the other.

Pick small things and get good at them. For example, get really good at...

-- opening doors for girls
-- saying hello to strangers (start with guys if you're nervous)

Meanwhile, pick a sport and do it several times a week, and work to get really good at it.

MEANWHILE, volunteer somewhere to work with children. You'll bump into a LOT of women that way, and with kids around, there will always be something to talk about.

This will help you boost your social graces with women.

Remember, this isn't a mental illness -- this is an area you can EXERCISE and DEVELOP!!


_ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ..

. _ .. .. _ _ . _ . _ . _

(that's Morse code for "good luck") :wink:

Thanks that'g good advice for me too... next to me, his self-esteem issues would seem beyond arrogance.