The truth about me.... not compulsory reading!

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by got_lost, Oct 2, 2007.

  1. got_lost

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    So since reading Spoiled Princess’s 'honesty' thread I have been pondering deeply about the whole honesty thing. Both here and in real life.

    I know that some here are very quick to pounce on fakes and trolls but also wonder whether sometimes the truth is ever wanted or expected.

    For me, I have only been here a month really, I joined back in May but did not comeback until recently, thx to someone sending me a pm. Since I popped back I haven’t been able to stay away and have certainly gained a great deal from being here. Some good, some bad, but it’s certainly been an education, as well as some fun too.

    Ironically, despite my stance in the ‘honesty’ thread, one thing I have been here and in chats, is totally honest. However, on reflection, I do now think too much so. I think my ‘truth’ comes over as either ridiculous and therefore untrue or too damned scary…. Whichever, folk run a mile!! (and to be fair… I don’t blame ‘em)

    So, I do wonder, whether the trolls and fakers do have it right…. Come here and be someone who can have fun and be found to be very sexy…. oh to re-incarnate myself :rolleyes:

    Don’t worry, I don’t think I am going to do it… but I shall be honest and say the thought it there!! :cool:

    More for therapy, than anything else, I am going to share the whole truth with you about me and sex, if you don’t mind. You don’t have to read it and to be honest, I think that I would be very happy if you don’t. I’m not looking for comments, positive or otherwise, but am going to be really really selfish and hog a little bit of the LPSG server with my little tale!!! I believe it will do me a lot of good to get it off my chest.

    So…. here goes…..

    :smile:
     
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  2. got_lost

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    I have been married to a wonderful man for 19 years. I married him at 23, he was 30. Neither of us were very experienced sex wise and we never really worked at it to explore and learn. I was pretty retarded at it actually. After quite a strict upbringing that led me to believe that if I ever had sex with anyone I would be checked out of the family, I was pretty scared of investigating too much and most previous sexual encounters had hence been rather guilt and stress laden and therefore not the most successful of experiences.

    Weirdly (and sadly), at the time, I never really considered why a 30 yr old was inexperienced.

    Anywho, a few years into the marriage my husband was made redundant (laid off) from work and that is when the problems in the bedroom became more noticeable. i.e. I couldn’t get a rise out of him. As I said, he was not really ever an active man sexually – hated having his nipples, balls and even his penis touched…. OK, maybe hated is too strong a word, but he was less than keen, anyway.

    After being made redundant though, all activity pretty much stopped. I had been a heavyish girl. Size 14/16 (UK) but as time progressed my weight did go up. So I thought it was all my fault and took myself off to Weight Watchers, lost 6 stone and got myself some fancy underwear… :wink:
    Nil effect.

    We did talk about this. Please don’t think we didn’t. He knew his cock didn’t work anymore but was satisfied with that fact and did not wish to seek any help or assistance in the matter. Admittedly the discussion was mostly about him and what he wanted (or didn’t want, mores to the point). I conceded that he had next to no libido and was happy and content with his ‘lot’.

    So there it was. Just over 14 years ago, I realised I had to make a decision. Stay with a man I loved but accept that there was no more sex, or leave him, just because there was none.

    Well, after huge consideration, plus the understanding/perception that I was crap at it anyway, I accepted that I should stay with the man I loved and not give him up for something as silly as ‘sex’ :eek:
     
  3. got_lost

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    Over the years I have raised the issue many times, but all with the same response. ‘Help’ leaflets have been given to him, left in strategic places and all encouragement given, but zip! No interest in fixing the problem at all.

    My reaction to it all was bury myself in work and eat to stop me being tempted to flirt and ‘wander’ elsewhere.

    The result now is a 42 yr old overweight woman, who, having done pretty well at work (though running myself into the ground in the process) has worked her way into early retirement (or a pretty long sabbatical, anyway). He did little with his career and had stayed in a fairly low paid job the whole time until we both moved west to the sea and to start ‘the good life’

    However, over the last 10 months I have had the opportunity to actually take time and reflect on me, who I am, where’ve I been, where I’m going, as well as, of course, the decisions I’ve made along the way. Part of which has led me to think ‘WTF’!!!!! What on earth was I thinking and of course I am a woman with needs!!!

    So now I am an incredibly horny 42 year old, who has not had sex for 14 years, who is now at Weight Watchers and trying to do something about the ‘harm’ I have done to myself, whilst wallowing in the knowledge that I was wrong to think sex wasn’t important. :rolleyes:


    I still love him dearly, though more as a ‘love’ than a ‘lover’. In fact, if he turned round tomorrow saying it was miraculously fixed and he wanted me, I’d say no. Not out of meanness, but because after all the rejection and ‘failure’ I just do not fancy him anymore. Without intimacy we have grown apart and I certainly don’t share my feelings with him these days.

    I have no idea where we stand for the future, and I am not prepared to leave him as yet. Though, again, that is for selfish reasons. I still do not know what I do want (other than sex) or where I want to be. Also, I worked bloody hard to get here and as soon as I ‘upset the apple cart’ it will be back to work and earning a living again. The main aim for me for this time off is to get fit and healthy, and I wish to achieve that before I depart!
     
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  4. got_lost

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    He does know about me ‘finding me’. Phase one of my journey was finding who I am and letting go of others misconceptions of me. I completed that part in August. He is aware of phase two, me coming to terms with what I am, physically, accepting that and learning to love myself, but is, to date, unaware of the sexual side of that and its ramifications.

    Being here at LPSG had helped me accept those things. I’d be lying if I said I was satisfied or happy with what I have learnt, but I have a better idea than I had before. I’ve been flattered, which is always nice, and I have been rejected, which is not so nice. But I have dealt with each equally.

    I know that one day I shall discuss all this with him. I suspect that it will be after I have investigated my sexual side some more. That of course does mean that at some point I suspect that I shall ‘cheat’ on him. But I want to know if sex really is all that important to me and without experiencing it, how on earth can I know? I am pretty sure it is. But we’re talking 19 years of marriage to a good man here. How can I throw that away if it really does turn out that I am crap at it and don’t really want it?

    So there we have it. :rolleyes:
    That’s why I am here. :cool:
    Have no idea how long I will stay for, but do thank all of you, or those I have had some kind of contact with, whether it be by pm, chat or in the threads here, as in some way you have all ‘helped’. :wink:

    Cheers! :smile:
     
  5. B_Swimming Lad

    B_Swimming Lad New Member

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    You are hugely welcome. :biggrin1:
     
  6. SpoiledPrincess

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    You just have to take a chance, you're with a man now you love but there's no sex, you're risking losing a steady comfortable relationship but finding one that's filled with passion, urgent need for each other and the laughter and tears the ups and downs of that will give you instead of the steady plateau you're on now. Go for it, you need more for yourself than a companion.
     
  7. got_lost

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    Oh Spoiled Princess!! How did you get so wise?!!??
    You are very right.

    I have been realising it more and more lately, to the point that I am pretty sure it's not a situation I can stay in long term.

    But WOW! Thx for reading the 'epic'!! ;)
    You too Swimming Lad!
    How brave of you both!
     
  8. Hockeytiger

    Hockeytiger Active Member

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    I'm certainly no marriage counselor, but think about these points.

    1) If you are looking at the future of your marriage it is useless think about how long you have been in it. In business terms we call it "sunk costs". How long you have been engaged in an activity or how many resources you have spent on it thus far is irrelevant as to whether you should continue the project. Think prospectively not retrospectively. Is continuing to be with your husband an appropriate future for you?

    2) The fact that he is a good man is also irrelevant. He had damned well better be a good man, or you have poor taste in men. The only thing that is relevant is he the right man for you for your future?

    3) Sex, or lack thereof, is not actually the problem, it is the symptom of other problems. He doesn't appear interested in attending to your needs. We all have needs and if he won't, at least, keep trying to attend to them, or communicating with you about the situation, then he isn't being a good husband (Though the fact that you gave up, and stopped communicating with him about it means that you haven't been the ideal wife either. I have found that it is rare that it is only one party's fault when a marriage begins to fail.)

    4) Don't stay just because you don't want to hurt him. Its OK to be somewhat selfish. However, if you decide that it is best for you to stay, that's OK too.

    Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
     
  9. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    Cool. I would write a thread about my 'truth' but I hate to clog R, D & J up with my threads...and it would be ridiculously tedious and depressing.

    Anyway at least you've found yourself! I bet some people die never having known themselves and been trapped in the role of the sexless wife.

    Less food + more exercise is the way to lose weight. Such is my understanding. Good luck :smile:

    This is probably a typical guy question (or not?) but does your husband have a larger than average appendage? Or did you just come here in the process of self discovery? :redface:
     
  10. got_lost

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    Thanks HockeyTiger. You do make a lot of sense.

    In answer to your question, ScaredLittleBoy, no, he doesn't. I followed a strange path here and it's all been a process of self discovery since I arrived! :rolleyes:
     
  11. Wrey

    Wrey New Member

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    The only thing I can add, for I am not in your shoes, is that I am heartend to know that introspection has not died in the world. Most people cannot look into themselves and truly review what they find. This is too damaging to the average soul.

    I pray you find the answer that is right for you and brings you happiness.

    Wrey
     
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  12. Osiris

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    I am proud of you coming out of that shell and know I am still here for you whenever you need it KK.

    Welcome to your future. I know the road ahead is scary and often awkward to tread, but I know you will fair it well.

    Much love and respect.
     
  13. Hockeytiger

    Hockeytiger Active Member

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    Very well said. I can't agree more.

    And please remember concerning your process of self discovery that the journey can take us in wonderful directions that we never conceived of before.
     
  14. Welshjames77

    Welshjames77 New Member

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    An emotive and incredibly honest piece, sometimes it can be a very cathartic experience to put your feelings down 'on paper' as it were, and may well be one of the most important steps in you finding peace with yourself and true happiness in your life. It breaks my heart to think that as a woman you have felt de-sexualised through constant rejection from your husband. Love is complicated, never the same between different relationships and ever changing as you know. I admire your strength of character to open out here, and pray that you find the continued strength to search deeper. We're all on a journey in this life and in many ways, yours had just begun.

    peace out and god speed.

    james x
     
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  15. Aitch

    Aitch New Member

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    Good luck, IknowKK, all the best with your endeavours.
    Here's my theory (for what its worth!):
    Life is too short to let it pass you by, grab it both hands & enjoy it.
     
  16. earllogjam

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    I think your dilema is something that many gay men in long term relationships suffer. After sex becomes less exiting but there is still a great deal of love, affection, and genuine connection with a partner. Many gay men have a different way they see sex. Sex and love are not necessarily one in the same for many. Physical or sexual pleasure does not need to be directly tied to emotional commitment and love. I don't think this is unique among men. I hope I am not opening a pandora's box for you. There are such things as sex therapists or sacred intimates whom you can set boundaries and safely explore and discover your sexuality on your own terms. That may be an option in your situation.

    Your sexuality is a very private part of you and I for one hope you explore it as your body is an untapped wealth of information about yourself. You will find as your body changes so will your outlook on life and emotions. I have been there. You seem like you don't want to live life with regrets or 'what could have beens' so I think your curiosity is a good thing. Change and doing things outside your comfort zone is always frightening but it is necessary for any personal growth. Positive energy your way IknowKK. I have a feeling that you already know what you need to do. Keep us posted.
     
  17. got_lost

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    WOW.

    Welshjames77 & Earlogjam. Thank you. Your words to hit a cord here, believe me.

    I think that is exactly what started me off on this whole thing....
    Life is too short. You only get one chance at it too.....

    I am a great believer in having no regrets. I don't regret my choices at all, though do wonder how things would be if I'd made different ones...
    But if I hadn't done what I did and stayed with him 14 years ago, I wouldn't be where I am today. Physically and mentally. I now have to the motivation and opportunity to consider my options and what I want from life. There is no way of knowing if I had taken a different path whether or not I'd be in the same postition of being willing & able to consider all these things....
     
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