The Twelve Days of Christmas

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Pecker, Dec 17, 2007.

  1. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    December 14, 1995

    Dearest John,
    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
    With deepest love and affection,
    Aberdeen


    December 15, 1995

    Dearest John,
    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, Two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next?
    All my love,
    Aberdeen


    December 16,1995

    Dear John,
    Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity--Three French Hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
    Love,
    Aberdeen


    December 17, 1995

    Dear John,
    Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, they're beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
    Affectionately,
    Aberdeen


    December 18,1995

    Dearest John,
    What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all these birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
    All my love,
    Aberdeen


    December 19, 1995

    Dear John,
    When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please Stop.
    Cordially,
    Aberdeen


    December 20, 1995

    John:
    What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny , so stop with those fucking birds.
    Sincerely,
    Aberdeen


    December 21, 1995

    Okay Buster:
    I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight Maids-A-Milking? It's not enough with all those birds and maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me?
    Just lay off me, smart-ass!
    Aberdeen


    December 22, 1995

    Hey Shithead:
    What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there's Nine Pipers Playing. And Christ, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
    You'll get yours,
    Aberdeen


    December 23, 1995

    You Rotten Prick:
    Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why they call those sluts ladies. They have been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm going to sic the police on you.
    One who means it,
    Venomously,
    Aberdeen


    December 24, 1995

    Listen Fuckhead:
    What's with the Eleven Lords-A-Leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, viscious swine.
    You're sworn enemy,
    Aberdeen


    Law Offices
    Badger, Bander, and Cajole

    December 26, 1995

    Dear Sir:
    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Fiddler's Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Aberdeen McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
    Cordially,
    Badger, Bender, and Cajole
     
  2. mindseye

    Gold Member

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    The Twelve Days After Christmas

    The first day after Christmas,
    my true love and I had a fight.
    And so I chopped the pear tree down
    and burned it up in spite.
    And with a single cartridge,
    I shot that blasted partridge
    my true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

    The second day after Christmas,
    I pulled on my old rubber gloves
    and very gently wrung the necks
    of both the turtle doves.
    And with a single cartridge,
    I shot that blasted partridge
    my true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

    The third day after Christmas,
    my mother came down with the croup.
    I had to boil the three French hens
    to make her chicken soup.
    And with a single cartridge,
    I shot that blasted partridge
    my true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

    The four calling birds were a big mistake
    for their language was obscene.
    The five golden rings were completely fake,
    and they turned my fingers green.

    The sixth day after Christmas,
    the six laying geese wouldn't lay.
    I sold the whole darn gaggle
    to the A.S.P.C.A.
    The seventh day, what a mess I found --
    all seven of the swimming swans had drowned.

    The eight day after Christmas,
    before they could suspect,
    I bundled up the
    eight maids a-milking, nine ladies dancing, ten lords a-leaping, eleven pipers piping, twelve drummers drumming
    and sent them back collect.

    I wrote my true love:
    We are through, love!
    And I said in so many words,
    Furthermore your Christmas gifts are for the birds!
     
  3. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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  4. Northland

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    1995? What the hell's the matter with the post office taking so long to deliver this poor fellow's mail?
     
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