- Joined
- May 29, 2006
- Posts
- 4,619
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 78
- Points
- 268
- Location
- California (United States)
- Sexuality
- 60% Gay, 40% Straight
- Gender
- Male
The completely unauthorized and unofficial gay/straight/bi FAQ:
A sexual orientation primer
Among the most common questions here on LPSG are, Does it make you gay if you [fill in the blank]? and Does it mean Im gay if I [fill in something you like, think or do]? This completely unauthorized and unofficial FAQ is my attempt to get a little bit of basic information out there about sexual orientation. I welcome the addition of information from others that might help newcomers, especially young men, with their questions about orientation issues.
The basic starting place has to be that people use the words gay, straight, and bi to mean a lot of different things, and those things are not always easy to sort out. Far from being a simple dimorphic phenomenon (i.e. everyone is either straight or gay), sexuality is a complex experience with at least three well-understood dimensions. It can be separated into: 1. Sexual identity; 2. Sexual desire; and 3. Sexual behavior.
Identity: When you hear the terms straight and gay used as self-descriptions you are almost always hearing them employed as expressions of sexual/social identity. Identity is both personal and subjective. Gay and str8 are primarily labels of self-identification, expressing what the speaker feels about himself more than any objective standard. They are constructions of ones sense of self in the world as much as (or as well as) descriptions of ones bedroom habits.
The term straight is derived from the Biblical phrase in Matthew about walking the straight and narrow path, and implies not only male interest in sex with females (and vice versa) but also often contains a self-defined sense of normalcy and social conformity.
Gay, in contemporary usage, means male interest in sex with other males, but also often contains a self-defined sense of otherness and identification with a counter-cultural social community. Gay is sometimes also used inclusively to convey female-female sexuality, but is just as often contrasted with lesbian. Two decades ago, queer was interchangeable with gay, but is now often used as a larger umbrella term to embrace all types of sexual non-conformity.
Bi is simply short for bisexual, a term that covers a huge amount of territory. In the simplest sense it means sexual interest in both men and women, but not necessarily at the same time or to the same degree. Asexual is the term for people who are uninterested in sex altogether. Celibate is the term for those with sexual interest who refrain from sexual conduct.
So, to answer the original question, from the perspective of identity, nothing makes you gay (or straight) except how you feel about yourself.
Sexual Desire: The second component of sexuality has to do with whom you desire. Sex researchers often use the terms homosexual and heterosexual to describe desire as a way of separating it from the slang terms used for identity. Homosexuals are attracted to members of their own sex, and heterosexuals to the opposite sex. Bisexuals are attracted by both sexes.
Desire has only to do with what turns you on what excites you. It may or may not be the same as how you self-identify. It is possible, and in fact is somewhat common, for straight men to feel some degree of homosexual desire. Vice versa, most self-identifying gay men still feel some occasional desire for women.
Some people use the term sexual preference to indicate desire, but it has fallen from favor in the gay community because it implies choice about what is attractive. Politically that has huge consequences, but let if suffice here simply to say that few people (gay or straight) experience desire as being under their conscious control.
Desire is different from sexual response. Men get erections from a great many sources of friction, but getting a hard-on from leaning against one doesnt mean that dishwashers turn you on. It just means your penis is responsive to vibration. Similarly, most men are responsive to a wide range of visual stimulation (that is, porn) without it specifically meaning anything about their sexual desire. Does it mean that you are gay if you get erections watching gay porn? Maybe, but maybe not. It is possible that it is exciting, but your desire still arises in heterosexual form.
Whom you desire is an important clue to sexual orientation, but it is not the sole answer, because you may or may not act on your desires, and it may or may not accord with how you feel about yourself.
From the perspective of sexual desire, it is not you that is homosexual or heterosexual, it is your erotic interests. (Gore Vidal says that homosexual and heterosexual are adjectives, not nouns.)
Sexual Behavior: The final dimension of sexuality is what you actually do. Researchers increasingly try to factually describe behavior in neutral terms that define the participants and the sexual activity instead of labeling it. Rather than call it gay sex, for example, recent practice would be more likely to use terms like male-male oral sex or male-male mutual masturbation.
Sexual behavior tends not to fit into neat categories. Alfred Kinsey developed his famous seven-point scale to deal with the fact that sexuality did not show up in the general male population as an either/or, but as a continuum. (In fact the largest category, almost 50% of respondents, was bisexual.)
Perhaps the most surprising thing about sexual behavior is how little it correlates with sexual identity. Health workers have begun using a new label men who have sex with men (MSM) precisely because the number of men in this category far outnumber the group who self identify as gay or bi. And to almost everyones surprise, in two separate recent surveys, almost 80% of individuals who self-identified as gay revealed that they had also had sex with opposite sex partners in the last five years.
There are substantial gulfs between what the think about ourselves, what we desire, and what we actually do. There is certainly an argument to be made that behavior is the definitive indicator, but when it comes down to it both researchers and research subjects find a large number of ways to rationalize an enormous amount of sexual behavior as non-definitive. Many things influence sexual behavior including culture, availability (or lack of availability) of partners, and health. In Latin cultures it is common to hold that the dominant (insertive) partner in male-male sexual relations is not gay, while the passive (receptive) partner is. In prison populations sexual behavior is recognized as being a matter of expedience instead of preference. Youthful sex is often thought of as experimental, or as a passing phase. There is no definitive manner in which sexual orientation is determined, no absolute scientific standard against which sexuality can be referenced.
Continued in next post