Warning - long post ahead. This is a subject I find it easy to ramble about.
Thanks for the kind words.
I have a question about your post though. Your sexual freedom is inspiring, yet I find that type of life is not for me, but what room does that allow for emotional growth? I'm sure emotionally you progress just fine, but I find the growth that occurs between two monogamous people, be they hetero/homo-sexual can be very rewarding. What room do you allow in your life for such things if at all? I do NOT mean this as an offense or insult to your personal life choice. Its more of a curiosity on my part. I only wonder, because my life almost went that way had I stayed in the military. I would've stayed away from being tied down into anything.
I wanted to reply to each separate question you asked separately, but they all sort of interact with each other, so instead you get a not-terribly-concise history of subgirrl's relationships :biggrin1:.
I've had several relationships, and I've learned things in each of them.
My first monogamous relationship lasted just over a year, beginning when I was only 16. We were engaged. He was talking about starting a family (I wasn't). It was a very serious relationship, despite our youth. I learned that too much raw passion is not always a good thing - every time we hurt each other, it hurt badly, in a way it never has with anyone else since. I learned that I don't want a relationship with an irresponsible addict who expects others to pay for his addictions. I learned that supporting people emotionally makes me feel good, but people with victim mentalities frustrate me. I learned that you can't expect people to change, nor can you make them do so. I learned that sometimes you have to put yourself first and sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away, no matter how much it hurts.
My second monogamous relationship came soon after the first one. Again, it was quite serious, despite our ages. Both families assumed we would get married in the near future. From this relationship I learned that I need more than a feeling of comfort and security to spend the rest of my life with someone. He was sensible, would have made a great father for future children, and our relationship was rather like wearing a comfortable old pair of trackies (tracksuit pants). But it wasn't enough. I was restless. There was no spark. I just couldn't see myself being satisfied for the rest of my life if I stayed with him. And that's a key thing for me - if I commit myself to a monogamous relationship, it's because at that point in time, I believe it's forever. If I don't think it's going to be forever, I see no point in committing.
After we broke up I spent some years being single. I had casual sex on occasion. At any given point I had at least 2 regular (weekly) FBs. I usually had more who I saw more rarely. During this period I learned who I was as ME, both sexually and non-sexually. Not me as part of a couple, me as just me. It was a period of sexual exploration and freedom. I formed a really solid sense of who I was as a person during this period. I was confident and had strong values.
Then I met the No-Sex-Ex. For 4 or 5 months we were not monogamous. But over that period we grew closer and the relationship developed into much more than a friendship. I ended my relationships with other FBs and decided to commit myself fully to the No-Sex-Ex. We were together for 4 years in the end. It was quite a disastrous relationship. I developed severe depression due to a range of factors. One of the major factors in my depression was the fact that as time went past, he was less and less interested in sex. By the time we broke up the frequency of sex was down to once every three months. I learned lots of things in this relationship. I learned that sex is IMMENSELY important to me. I learned that I have very little faith in my own intelligence. I learned that it's important to agree on major values, dreams and desires early on. I learned that I should never allow someone else to make me feel less than I am.
Then started another period of singleness for me. Only this one I didn't enjoy so much. I had lost all the confidence I had when I was young. I was still depressed and didn't quite know what to do with myself.
Now I've gotten my old, younger self back. Almost. I've regained a lot of my confidence. I'm re-establishing my sexual self. I've learned more about myself in the past two years than at almost any other life point. So the really long answer to your questions about growth is that I've learned things about myself and what I need both when I've been single and when I've been in relationships.
Do your life choices in regards to your sexual life come from personal experience? What I mean to say is, has something in the past put you off to this sort of thing? Or is it just from looking at your surroundings and saying " that's not for me, I like it this way" which is totally ok. For some people, monogamy just doesn't work. Perhaps my leaning towards monogamy stems from my insecurity? Or maybe from my "ideal" of a perfect relationship established during my formative years? This whole subject interests me because I'm still learning the how and why of me. Why do I ignore people? Why am I a shut in? Formative years? Parental influence? An amalgamation of years of observation and experience?
I'm not actually AGAINST monogamous relationships. I don't feel one would be right for me now while I'm still in the process of re-finding myself, but I'm open to having one in the future. But even then, I won't be looking for one specifically. I'm happy as things are, although part of me dreads being alone forever. I find FB relationships, in combination with relationships with family and friends, are fulfilling enough.
My tendency towards FB relationships seemed to develop naturally and when I was quite young. I never put a big emotional value on sex, despite my mum telling me as a kid that sex happens with someone you love. Even before I started having sex, I always saw sex and love as two very different and separate things. No particular experiences contributed to this belief, it was just what seemed to make the most sense to me. And nothing I've come across since has made me see it any differently.
I tried the FB thing before... I ALWAYS get too attached and develop more emotional feelings. Usually not reciprocated on the other end. So for me the idea of someone being able to handle that type of relationship is interesting.
On occasion my FBs have gotten too attached. Once I got too attached myself. But mostly, I've not had problems with emotions and I believe it has been the same for most of my FBs. The key thing for me is remembering that shared orgasms are likely to result in warm fuzzies, no matter who I'm screwing. That doesn't mean I'm feeling love, or even genuine emotion. It's just a result of hormones and neurotransmitters swishing around in my brain. If I don't fall into the post-sex emotion trap, I'm unlikely to get too warm and fuzzy about them at other times.
