The World As I Know It

[DRW414]

Now, that I have introduced myself, I need some support.

My partner an I have been together for almost 2 years. He is in the Air Force, and may have to go to out of state for an 18 month assignment. We recently decided that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I support everything he does, but I am scared. Most of all, I am scared that he could one day be deployed to Afghanistan. I can't handle the thought of being away from him, and possibly never seeing him again if he is deployed. Whenever we are separated for each other for even a day, I feel like I can't breath without him. I love him so much it hurts at times. I finally have everything I have ever wanted, and I feel like it could all be taken away from me.

Every time this subject comes up, I get extremely emotional. His mother and I are going to meet for lunch sometime soon when time allows. This will be the first time we will meet alone, and I am really nervous for some reason. I don't know why because we have a great relationship now. Should I tell her how I feel about him possibly going away? Should I even be talking about our relationship to her?

 

[irox19]

Hi there.

First, congratulations on making such a special and monumental decision with your partner--that is SO exciting. You are lucky to have found one another.

I used to get a similar kind of anxiety with my ex years ago and i would be filled with a raging worry that made my physically sick. I would cry at the drop of a hat, lose sleep, think the absolute worst if even 5 minutes passed when I hadn't heard from him and I was supposed to. It was miserable. It took me quite some time to understand and accept that I have no control in how life pans out, that all I could do was focus on the present and live life moment by moment.

I once read about someone who had a similar anxiety after 9/11 and she had a therapist recommend that she write a letter stating her fears, her love, her dreams and hopes with her partner....and share it with him. And then let go. So basically, she was putting it all out there so that in case life threw out a curveball...at least her partner would always know how she felt. Does this make any sense??

As for talking to mom about it...i would hold off...try to reign in your emotions first. You don't want her to freak out too.

 

[DRW414]

Thank you very much. I think I will try the writing thing. I also used to get physically sick when I didn't see him when I was supposed to. It was insane, and I don't know how I could live through that anxiety again.

Neither myself or my partner have ever been in love with a guy before. So every part of this is new to us, and sometimes stressful. We used to work together, and that's how we met. We instantly became the best of friends, and we had no clue about each other. So needless to say, when we both found out about each other through a mutual friend, we decided to try dating. If it was not for this friend of ours, we would have likely never know about each other. But who knows? We were very close at work. We have been inseparable ever since that day. Everything we both had always dreamed of was right in front of our faces. Now we don't care who knows. He's my soul mate.


I will just ask God for strength to help me through whatever is thrown my way. But I do know that everyday with him feels like the first day we fell in love. I am still amazed that after 2 years, I still fell this way!! we were both raised very similar, and at one time had mixed feelings on the whole gay marriage thing. But now we both know for a fact that love has no gender, and we want to be together for life. I was once against gay marriage, when I was 90% straight, but now I see the issue with a whole different set of eyes. I never thought I would EVER want to marry another man. We both have a strong faith in God, and we truly believe that we have his blessings.

He asked me to marry him, and I said yes without hesitation. We haven't told either of our mothers that we want to do it, and both of are fathers are homophobic. Our brothers know as well, and they are starting to realize that this is who we are now. So they are getting use to it. We are getting our rings soon, so our fathers are going to find out. Right now they believe we are best friends, and we both have girlfriends still. So that's another situation we are dealing with. He's says that he is totally ready to tell his father, but I don't think he really is. And I know for a fact I am not. I choke every time I get ready to tell him. Especially after he mentioned the fact that he thinks being gay is not ok, and should be illegal. This is the hardest shit I have ever had to deal with in my life. Is so tired of living a complete lie.......

 

[SpeedoMike]

this is not unique. every day people get into a car, airplane, or boat and never come home. fireperson and police officers likewise; even road workers.

if you feel this upset, it may be time to see a therapist for help with behavior modification.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I actually think you should tell his mum how you're feeling - although maybe you should tone it down a little. She may be the only person who will miss him and worry about him as much as you do while he's away.

 

[nudeyorker]

I think you should share all your feelings with your partner and certainly whatever you are comfortable sharing with his mother. The two of you will have to be a support system for each other most likely.
Whatever transpires is likely going to be difficult for both of you, however with technology being what it is today, you can e-mail and communicate frequently.
In terms of the father issue perhaps it's best to hold off on pursuing that for the moment, it sounds like you have your plate full of emotional issues.When the time will be right to address it you will know.
I wish you the best with this situation however you should also look at it as a period where you can grow stronger in mind and spirit and that strength will bring many rewards into your life and your relationship.

 

[Cybearia]

Hello DRW414. I'm sure you will receive some excellent advice on this thread, which you will find very helpful. I sincerely hope you do. I would like to offer my two-pennorth and please, please don't mistake it for cynicism...

Breathe! For the love of God, man, breathe!

It is wonderful that your feelings for each other are so intense and powerful. I'm sure you both will have a long and beautiful life together, but the level you are operating at is unsustainable, mentally and emotionally.

Don't burn yourself out worrying about things you cannot control. Instead enjoy each moment you have together, structure an approach to speaking to your respective parents, either alone or together, and realise that life will do its thing no matter how much you stress yourself out.

There are times I look at my partner when he is sleeping and wonder how I would survive if he wasn't there. When he is away I miss him fiercely. While we are together I try to make each day as special as I can. So I fully appreciate where you are coming from.

One last thing. When sharing with his mother, be aware of boundaries. Some things parents dont need to know ;-)

Good luck with your relationship mate. It is lovely to hear you are so in love.

 

[B_subgirrl]

Breathe! For the love of God, man, breathe!

It is wonderful that your feelings for each other are so intense and powerful. I'm sure you both will have a long and beautiful life together, but the level you are operating at is unsustainable, mentally and emotionally.

I wanted to say something about that too but couldn't figure out how to say it inoffensively. You've managed to say it very well indeed. OP, I feel the same as Cybearia.

 

[492801]

I agree with cybearina and subgirrl completly, relax and take a deep breath and go have some fun with your man, life is to short so STOP worrying

 

[DRW414]

this is not unique. every day people get into a car, airplane, or boat and never come home. fireperson and police officers likewise; even road workers.

if you feel this upset, it may be time to see a therapist for help with behavior modification.

I see your point, but I have to disagree with you as well. For one, its not like everyday living. The love of my life is going away to a meaningless war! We get on planes and shit like that all the time. This isn't a normal non-unique situation here. I don't worry about things like this when we travel. I know its a part of life. But for me, maybe you can't relate. My uncle went to war, came back and blew his brains out. My best friend and his wife went to Iraq, and now they are totally different people. They both suffer from PTSD, and I feel like I hardly know them anymore. We hung out together almost everyday. Now its just not the same. War changes your life. I have been affected by it severely. That's the thing that scares me. He could say he was going to Australia for 18 months and I would feel much better.

Then there is Don't Ask Don't Tell, which has not been repealed officially yet. And if it remains the way it is then what? We have to talk in codes? Send e-mail "I love you's?"

People going out everyday and never come home. It's quite obvious its a part of life. But who dwells on that? I'm talking about sending someone's in harms way, not being able to talk to him the way I want too, and worry about him coming back scarred like my best friend, his wife and my uncle! But you know what, I may need to see a therapist after all the shit I have been through. And you are also forgetting that I have never been in love with a man before, so that doesn't make this any easier!

I think you should share all your feelings with your partner and certainly whatever you are comfortable sharing with his mother. The two of you will have to be a support system for each other most likely.
Whatever transpires is likely going to be difficult for both of you, however with technology being what it is today, you can e-mail and communicate frequently.
In terms of the father issue perhaps it's best to hold off on pursuing that for the moment, it sounds like you have your plate full of emotional issues.When the time will be right to address it you will know.
I wish you the best with this situation however you should also look at it as a period where you can grow stronger in mind and spirit and that strength will bring many rewards into your life and your relationship.

Thanks man! I think we will both hold off on telling our respective fathers for now. We both have bigger things to worry about.

Hello DRW414. I'm sure you will receive some excellent advice on this thread, which you will find very helpful. I sincerely hope you do. I would like to offer my two-pennorth and please, please don't mistake it for cynicism...

Breathe! For the love of God, man, breathe!

It is wonderful that your feelings for each other are so intense and powerful. I'm sure you both will have a long and beautiful life together, but the level you are operating at is unsustainable, mentally and emotionally.

Don't burn yourself out worrying about things you cannot control. Instead enjoy each moment you have together, structure an approach to speaking to your respective parents, either alone or together, and realise that life will do its thing no matter how much you stress yourself out.

There are times I look at my partner when he is sleeping and wonder how I would survive if he wasn't there. When he is away I miss him fiercely. While we are together I try to make each day as special as I can. So I fully appreciate where you are coming from.

One last thing. When sharing with his mother, be aware of boundaries. Some things parents dont need to know ;-)

Good luck with your relationship mate. It is lovely to hear you are so in love.

Ok..... Let me take a deep breath. That first quote I responded to got me a little hot under the collar. Thank you very much for your response as well. I agree that the level I am operating at is not healthy. Can you understand a little more where I'm coming from by my first response in this post? I have already lost my best friend (mentally) and my uncle to this bullshit. Also stated above is my fear that we will NOT be able to communicate freely. I'm trying not to make a mountain out of an ant hill, but damn. Do this ants live on Mt. Everest?

I wanted to say something about that too but couldn't figure out how to say it inoffensively. You've managed to say it very well indeed. OP, I feel the same as Cybearia.

It's ok. I appreciate when people are frank with me. And again, I thank the both of you!

 

[B_subgirrl]

Ok..... Let me take a deep breath. That first quote I responded to got me a little hot under the collar. Thank you very much for your response as well. I agree that the level I am operating at is not healthy. Can you understand a little more where I'm coming from by my first response in this post? I have already lost my best friend (mentally) and my uncle to this bullshit. Also stated above is my fear that we will NOT be able to communicate freely. I'm trying not to make a mountain out of an ant hill, but damn. Do this ants live on Mt. Everest?

It's ok. I appreciate when people are frank with me. And again, I thank the both of you!

You're welcome :smile:. I can see where you're coming from. I realise that you have some history that makes your situation particularly scary for you.

I think the earlier advice to see a therapist was actually pretty good advice. They aren't just for mad people. A therapist could give you some techniques to help you cope with your stress while he's away. And just talking to someone can help you feel better.

One thing to keep in mind while he's away: time does pass. It might feel bloody awful at the time, but time passes, and his time away will come to an end eventually.

In the meantime, focus on making some beautiful memories together to get you through the hard times!