1. D_Porthos Porksworde

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    I'd like to get some opinions from the general audience here.

    I was fairly active on this site up until a few months ago, when my wife discovered I was on this site. She shit a brick, basically, but luckily didn't divorce me over it. Still she insisted I see a therapist which I reluctantly did just to save the marriage. That's not really the issue though, as it turns out therapy has helped me realize some of my issues go back many many years to when I was a child. So I appreciate help with those things. What I'm having trouble with is the therapist, a specialist in sexual addiction, telling me I should never visit this site and any such actions, such as posting photos to the gallery and being in video chat, are deviant, abhorrent behaviors which are not appropriate, healthy outlets.

    I'm not so sure I buy into that-I've questioned her (yes, it's a she) as to why it is wrong, and haven't gotten an answer I buy yet. It seems more like her job is to brainwash me into cessation of any behavior involving sharing my penis (not like I go around randomly exposing myself to strangers). Comments like: "Doesn't it bother you that other people can see your penis? What if they get turned on by that?" irk me somewhat, since I said in return "Look, anyone can see another person in public and get turned on by him or her."

    Maybe I'm just confused, delusional, and not facing facts... either that or my therapist is insane. Or both. But I have a hard time believing that this web site is inherently evil, nor are my interests in being part of this group. I like my penis. I like how it looks. I like how *I* look now. I like seeing other guys' penises. I don't want to suck on them or fuck them, however. I'm not looking for a gay/str8/bi label here; I don't need an exact %, although I fear my wife's goal for my therapy is to cease all of this 'nonsense' and be a perfect heterosexual man who does everything the way she thinks it must be. I, on the other hand, would rather be comfortable in the skin I'm in, realizing I'm complex and not 100% str8 or gay, for what little that means. Unfortunately my therapist seems to agree with my wife that I need to be de-programmed. I just want to understand why I am the way I am and go from there. And I think: why not share my dick with people who are interested? After all, I'm not forcing people to look at me-when you sign up for this page you're choosing to see what's here. I like to see where I stand compared to others; it's interesting to me.

    Hopefully I didn't lose everyone or bore you-I just need some advice from the masses as to what this all means. Thanks in advance for your consideration.
     
  2. nudeyorker

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    Well without looking at your post history I don't think you are a sex addict. Has your wife or your therapist visited LPSG? Without doing so I don't know how they could come to the conclusions that they have.
    I think it might be important to address both of these issues with both your wife and your therapist.

    I think many times therapists and loved ones put a label on a behavior as a band-aid for themselves; but I think there might be more to their not understanding your motives here at LPSG.

    I wish you the best getting this resolved. Please keep us posted.
     
    #2 nudeyorker, Feb 21, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2011
  3. petetown

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    Check out dan Savage and the Savage Love Podcasts......sounds like you've found yourself a very sex negative therapist there.
     
  4. petite

    petite New Member

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    I agree. I think you need to find a new therapist.

    I don't understand why it should bother you that someone gets turned on by looking at your penis. Feeling good that someone gets turned on by looking at your penis seems far healthier to me than feeling ashamed over someone feeling turned on by looking at you. I disagree with her tactics attempting to make you feel shame, which seems harmful to me. You should only feel shame over doing things that are actually wrong, that shame feeling is your conscience telling you you're doing something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong if someone else feels turned on, and that's the part that bothers me about what she was saying. If someone tried to make me feel ashamed if a man looked at my breasts and got turned on by them, I would feel that person had the issues, not me. My breasts are beautiful. Of course they should turn people on! Their existence as an inspiration for someone else's erotic imagination isn't something to be ashamed of.

    While I don't know if you're addicted to sex or not, that depends on how much time you spend on your activities and if it interferes with your life, the specific stuff you talked about where she's trying to make you feel negative emotions like that bother me.
     
    #4 petite, Feb 21, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2011
  5. Mogluver

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    I agree, most therapists have issues themselves, a good one is very difficult to find. Perhaps your wife is the one with the issues? If you have solved some of your concerns through therapy, and are finding it counter productive, it's time to move forward, decide if you have more to solve or feel that your secure in yourself and let the chips fall where they fall. Good luck and let us know how your doing.
     
  6. Supersized

    Supersized New Member

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    I've told my therapist about this site. He was cool about it. He did use the word 'sex addiction' though and the three A's or something. One A was for accessability. He just was concerned about my job finding out and discriminating against me. He wanted me to keep this private to myself. If I was married like you, I would consider giving it up or find a woman who was into exhibitionism as well.
     
  7. CUBE

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    I think most people hearing of the site would assume it is just sexual in nature. But really, I find most people here are looking for a male fraternity of sorts. Shooting the breeze and chill-in. It is not easy to find men's groups anymore and I think many communities on line fill the void of just basic interaction.
     
  8. helgaleena

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    That therapist was hand picked by your wife, I'll bet. We are many things but the main thing is SUPPORT group.

    Posting pics in the photo section is a personal choice. I'm a gold member without a single nude pic of myself. Others have taken their photos back down again, sometimes only to put them back up again later.

    Ask your wife what she would think if you continued to participate here without your pics in the gallery, or what exactly about the site it was that drove her into conniptions of possessiveness. As you have given her a vested interest in your bodily assets, she does have a say what you do with photos of them, just as you would if the case were reversed.

    You should be in couples therapy with a third party about the underlying issues that your membership here has unearthed. Lots of married people have memberships here, each in their own right. People have even met their future mate here. Keep LPSG and your marital troubles separate in your mind. We are just her catalyst to react. It could have been some other secret you were keeping, but it happened to be this.
     
  9. D_Porthos Porksworde

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    Thanks to everyone so far for their comments. Here are a few more items for you to ponder:

    The therapist says that I should never masturbate, that the only sexual activity one should have is with their spouse. My response: "Hey, I was *my* first sex partner. I never agreed to give that up." Point being: I don't expect two people to always be perfectly in sync and only be horny coincident to one another. I'm told that is a selfish way of thinking, that such activity takes away interaction with my wife.

    I've also wondered what a male therapist might say. I've told her that her objectivity is most important, but as a woman does she *really* understand? It's not her fault if she doesn't have the life experience. Of course this could be selfish too, like I want someone to take my side. But there is no side here as I see it, just perhaps an understanding she truly can't have, no matter how book smart she may be.

    I worry that this therapy is nothing more than a person's professional attempt to re-program me into someone I'm not, and that I can either go kicking and screaming, refusing to change, at which point I never "move forward", or I should simply assimilate and be what everyone else wants me to be, at the expense of my own happiness. But at least then everyone else is happy-can't call me selfish then now can you? It's almost as if I'm being told that everyone's collective happiness must outweigh my own, which to me is distinct from being selfish. Caring for others is one thing, being happy in my own skin is another.

    I am not a sex addict. Addict implies, in my mind, a repetitive behavior. While there were certainly times I spent hours in chat, when I could have spent them with my wife, true, but I think that the conversations I had there were at least meaningful. Sure there were some silly times, and sexually charged conversation might be viewed as deviant to some, but c'mon... am I not supposed to ever talk about sex, relationships, my penis, etc.? This is the only place I feel like I can truly be honest about my feelings-like you people get me, or at least are far more open-minded than those I encounter on a daily basis in my 'real life'.

    Another topic to ponder: I have a large collection of underwear. This hasn't come up in therapy yet, but my wife thinks it's clearly a gay tendency. My defense: underwear is the one piece of clothing that, save for when I'm in the shower, I always have on. I wear them all day and to bed at night. They *have* to be right... by that I mean comfortable. And if I happen to like how I look wearing them, so much the better. After all, society certainly portrays underwear, at least in advertising, in a sexual manner. Is it wrong to go from the days of buying your underwear exclusively at Kmart or JCPenney (with apologies to those who do) to "upgrade" to the name brands you buy on line, worn by models with 6-pack abs? I struggle with my self-esteem, and have for years, going back to when I was "the smart fat kid" in school, to the weird kid even my parents left alone in his room rather than interact with because I wasn't just like them?

    Believe it or not, a lot of my interest in starting to take care of my body came when I saw people's photos here, of those in shape, or on their webcams, and noticed that I simply didn't like how I looked compared to them. I started working out 4-6 times a week, and watching what I eat. In the last year I've lost over 20 pounds, and at least 13% body fat. I love waking up each morning and thinking "I am in the best shape of my entire life, and every day it just gets better when I continue this healthy lifestyle." What a motivator! Yet my wife was very hurt when I said I did all this for me, and not for her. She admitted she thought my improving myself was for someone else and not for her. Rather than get words of praise from her, I get a lot of flak now for "why didn't you improve yourself all those years ago when I nagged you to take better care of yourself"? I reply "Because I didn't care enough back then to do it."

    Thanks again for reading. I feel like I get a much fairer shake, and a truly honest, objective opinion, more so from all of you than from she whom I pay $110/hour for her "objective, although vaginally tainted, opinion" on my penile behavior.
     
  10. Countryguy63

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    I have seen this so many times. So many therapists want to interject their personal beliefs, morals, and values on their clients.

    A true (i.e. Good) therapist tries to help you work things out and understand yourself. They may present scenerios on either side, or present your spouses feelings to help you understand where they are coming from, but they never, and I repeat NEVER tell you that you are wrong (of course legal, abusive, etc. is not what I am referring to).

    It is not their place to judge you, or in the instance of couples therapy, take sides.

    Believe me Stang, I've been to enough of them for several reasons (marriage then divorce, sexual abuse when I was younger, and now dealing with tenage children). If you and your wife can't talk together to find out what really bothers her the most about you being here, you need to tell her that you are still willing to work with a counselor, but this one is not the one.

    Good Luck
     
  11. unabear09

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    I think your wife needs to be in therapy rather than you. ALso, if you 'need' to see a therapist, you need to be the one who picks them, and most of all you need to be comfortable with them. What you are going thru is horseshit. Especially the masturbation part. Just a quick question (and I may offend some people, but fuck 'em). Is this therapist a 'christian' therapist? I've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists most of my life, and I've never encountered one like the one you are seeing. Having a healthy and imaginative fantasy life is 100% normal (as is masturbation). The only way you would be considered a sex addict by any therapist would be if it interferes with your daily life or if your behavior was dangerous or harmful to you or another. Oh and the underwear thing...how the fuck does having a variety of underwear mean you are gay? Women don't know what its like to have a dick and balls, therefore they don't realize that different cuts/styles give support, and for those of us who are well endowed often struggle to find the right underwear for the right occasion (i.e. what type of underwear should be worn with what pants).
     
  12. bigbull29

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    If you're not a sex addict, I don't see the issue.

    Why does your wife find it so unacceptable to put pictures of your penis on an adult website? It just a sexual outlet for you - nothing more, nothing less... I just don't see the issue.

    I think you're wife needs to see a therapist (don't agree with your therapist at all).

    Is your wife religious?

    In life, if we choose to be married, we need to marry people who are like-minded and who share similar values.

    Our sexual activities should never be hidden from our lovers. We need to up front with them from the get-go, not 20 years later, even if it's on the internet. That said, we are not to take this to an extreme, either (disclosing our simple masturbation sessions, sharing every sexual thought, etc). Some things in life don't need to be shared with anyone, even our spouse.

    I'm sorry this has all happened, buddy. But do keep us informed, and do keep your wits about you while you try to resolve this matter in the meantime.

    We care about you!!:smile:
     
    #12 bigbull29, Feb 21, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2011
  13. petite

    petite New Member

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    This has nothing to do with the fact that she's a woman and frankly I'm bothered by your sarcastic last line. I was supportive of you, and I am a woman.

    I masturbate, and no one can tell me that I'm depriving my husband by masturbating. The only way it deprives my husband is if I prefer to masturbate over having sex with him.

    You just need to find another therapist. You're right, attending therapy isn't about becoming a different person than the person that you are, and this person is trying to change your opinions on what you find is moral and immoral behavior within your relationship. Find a therapist whose values are aligned with your own.
     
  14. Pendlum

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    Abandon Ship.
     
  15. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Masturbation is entirely healthy, whether you are in a relationship or not. It COULD be unhealthy (mentally) if you are masturbating excessively and neglecting other duties (including sex with your wife) on a regular basis in order to masturbate.


    It's not because she is a woman, so please don't even go there.


    From someone who has experience with psychologists and in psychology, there is nothing professional about your 'therapists' behaviour. Does she even have qualifications? Professionals are not supposed to take their own values into the therapy room.


    From what you've said in this thread, it doesn't sound like you are. If you want to look at the criteria yourself, I provided a link to them in a thread a few months ago:

    http://www.lpsg.org/219498-so-how-do-you-know-2.html

    Using LPSG, in itself, does not suggest an addiction, or unhealthy behaviour of any other sort. Do you spend excessive amounts of time here, and regularly neglect other parts of your life to do so? If so, your behaviour could be unhealthy. If not, all is probably good. LPSG could also be bad for you if you were using it to feed unhealthy thought patterns. But if you aren't . . .

    And to provide another example of a therapist who thinks there's nothing unhealthy about LPSG, my psychologist knows that I hang out here. And SHE thinks it's fine. She would NOT think it was fine if I neglected other, more important, things to do so. Nor would she think it was fine if I engaged in unsafe behaviour. But I don't do those things, so she thinks it's fine.

    Well done!


    Weight loss should always be primarily for yourself.


    Perfectly said. That is exactly how a therapist is supposed to behave.


    Firstly, please preface the word 'women' with the word 'many' next time you use it. Not all women are unsympathetic regarding the struggle to find comfortable and supportive underwear.

    And for those of you who bitch about women not understanding, do you make an attempt to understand the struggle women (especially larger breasted women) can have finding a comfortable and supportive bra? I certainly hope you do.


    I totally agree with this.
     
  16. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

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    get yourself a new therapist. The good ones..make sense to you. You can feel it in your heart and system when they are hitting on a truth hidden in your soul..Whether you wish to acknowledge it or not.

    The good ones walk beside you..

    If you don't feel right and it feels completely off from the person you are..get someone who doesnt judge but explores..

    Who doesnt say..you need to do this or that..unless you know in your heart you should.

    This one doesnt sound as a very capable one..

    Get a new one..
     
  17. RawDog

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    I stopped reading after I saw that.

    My first wife convinced me to go to a few therapists for my "sex addiction" problem 15 years ago. Had I known then what I know now, I would've divorced her and gone on my merry way.

    Through all the therapists that tried to "cure" me no one said it was wrong to masturbate. Fuck the therapist (not literally) and leave your wife. Find someone like subgirrl and I swear you'll be happy forever.
     
  18. nudeyorker

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    It's time to get a new therapist who does not interject their moral values and is trained to deal with the issues for which you sought them out in the first place.
     
  19. helgaleena

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    Any sex therapist who says it's unhealthy to masturbate is WRONG. And probably a secret fundamentalist prude, as well. Insist on a different therapist, and bring the wife away from that one if she even goes to her that is. Maybe she thinks 'hubby's the sicko, not me', in which case she IS the problem, by at least 50%.
     
  20. hung15us

    hung15us Member

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    My wife was wild with every thing that we could do and then marriage and it was her side only. none of the good times. I divorced her and sent her packing after 22 years. None of that shit again.
     
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