THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DONT SAY

[Pappy]

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My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

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I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

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Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

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I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

 

[madame_zora]

Thanx for the bucket-o-laughs! Here's the best I can do:


A guy walks into a bar. He's down on his luck, just lost his girlfriend and decides to drink the pain away. After a few belts, he notices a girl at the end of the bar who seems to be alone and sad too, so he gets up the courage to give it a try. He buys her a drink and after a short conversation, they discover that they've both been dropped by their s/o's for being too kinky! Naturally, the next step was going back to her place.
As soon as they got there, she said "Stay right there, I'm going to get dressed!"
Enthusiastically, she donned her best latex chaps, nipple clamps, crotchless panties, 7'' heeled rubber boots, cat-claw-press on nails, salted leather whip, and about an hour later she emerged. To her chagrin, she saw he was heading for the door. "Where are you going?" she asked, heartbroken. He replied, "I just shit in your purse and fucked your dog- I'm outta here!"

 

[dcwrestlefan]

pappy, this is funny as hell.

 

[D_Fergus_Fearsomegas]

Sorry you think I am fat but you are ugly... and I can loose weight