Things with my best guy friend just aren't the same.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by GoldenMercury2002, Dec 28, 2009.

  1. GoldenMercury2002

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    I came out to my best guy friend, kind of on accident, about a month or so ago and i feel like thing will never be the same. We used to be really close but now there is a strong and vivid disconnect that makes me feel scared to come out to anybody else. I have come out to one of my best girl friends and she's alright with it, but the worse part about it is that he is straight and I am crazy about him. I swear sometimes he flirts with me, but I'm sure it's just wishful thinking. What should I do? Is there anything I can do? Not about the love thing, because I know that will never happen, but about the disconnect.
     
  2. Charles Finn

    Gold Member

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    how old are you?
    try to find a best gay friend
    or just be yourself and give him time to adjust to it
     
  3. StaceyB

    StaceyB New Member

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    Hi, sad to hear that your friend is not as supportive as you might like. Perhaps you could just keep your mind open to communications as friend at first until you are more sure of his feelings towards you.

    All power to your girlfriend for being good about it.
    keep smiling
     
  4. GoldenMercury2002

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    i am 21.
    and to tell you the truth i do not have any gay friends.
    as slightly ironic that may sound. im not sure how to go about doing so either.
     
  5. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    nothing ironic or unusual at all

    I have yet to meet any gay guy I feel I could have as great a friend as my straight buds are

    just keep making friends as you find them; if they are your friends, it's not going to matter to them that you are gay, or at least that has been my luck ... and in that regard, I don't think there is anything unusual about me
     
  6. sdbg

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    Yes. Give your friend space and time to digest what you told him. Let him contact you next when he's ready. I know that's very hard when you would rather resolve the disconnect sooner than later. You'll have better results if you let him make the next move. To come out to him took a great deal of courage. Regardless of how things go, you can give yourself credit for being true to yourself and honest with your friends. There is a world full of people out there, and there are great friends that you haven't met yet.

    Sad, but true. It's the same deal here.
     
  7. B_jeepguy2

    B_jeepguy2 New Member

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    Hey man you said youe coming out to him was kind of an accident. How did it happen? It could be that it is just going to take him a little time to get used to the fact that his best buddy is gay. Most people your age seem to be very accepting of homosexuality...much more so than older guys.

    It could be that he just doesn't know what to say, so that is why there is a disconnect. You might just talk to him and tell him that you value his friendship but you realize that the fact that he now knows that you are gay might make him a little uncomfortable, but point out that you are still the same guy you were a month or so ago.
     
    #7 B_jeepguy2, Dec 29, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2009
  8. chociful2008

    chociful2008 New Member

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    When I was in college, I went through the same thing. He avoided me at first, then I went to him and told How I felt and that if he really didn't want to associate with me, then I would understand and accept his choice. After about a month, he came to me saying that he missed our times hanging out. From then on our friendship grew much stronger even to the point that he wanted to experience male sex. That was over thirty years ago and we are still good friends.
     
  9. GoldenMercury2002

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    I was so frustrated one day from always having to play this facade everytime we spoke that it just came out. He comes from a strict Catholic upbringing so that might be part of the reason. Ever since he started suspecting it, my drunk kind of outted me by hinting at it, the weirdness started
     
    #9 GoldenMercury2002, Dec 29, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2009
  10. denton85

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    When i first started college i had a few groups of friends. One of the groups (the group that i later sustained and continued though out college) had a guy who happened to be gay. We ALL knew he was gay. He had all the signs, and mannerisms. However he refused to come out of the closet ( we waited patiently ... but it never happened) ... after being friends with him for so very long we actually started thinking he was maybe bi or just straight and his mannerisms where just a coincidence (at this point almost a year of being friends with him.) Then one day he "came out". We all didn't care he was gay... but we REALLY didn't like the fact that he didn't trust us enough to come out to us for so long. That was the biggest thing that changed our relationship with him. Eventually we all got over it, and we're still all friends.... it just made us all feel uncomfortable that he didn't feel like he could trust us.

    I read ALOT of stories on here about guys who come out to their friends. And how they are treated differently. It really IS disappointing that friends can't understand, and refus to be friends with someone just cause they are gay. However what i speak of is different.

    I know the stigma is there, and i know their is hesitation. I understand the fear. I've been through enough in my life to understand that telling the truth can be scary sometimes... but ultimately it is required... and it is the right thing.... however... in my situation 1 year of lying to your friends is damaging to a friendship... but ... in the end, we all got over it. We all understood. Friendship is a strong bond that can endure many things.

    I say give it time. Just be friends. If you are going to continue being friends, then it will happen and workout.

    (i apologize for any mistakes i've made in spelling or grammar.... it's the scotch.)
     
    #10 denton85, Dec 29, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2009
  11. GoldenMercury2002

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    So my friend and I are going out tonight and alcohol will be involved so maybe I will get some answers
     
  12. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    :popcorn: keep us posted!
     
  13. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    Be true to yourself. If your friend can't accept that, then move on.
     
  14. TheRob

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    but the worse part about it is that he is straight and I am crazy about him.

    well that above part there is probubly it actually
    I mean when a straight guy and straight girl are really close it's pretty common for a relationship to develop so as close as you two are when he finds out you like men he is probubly a tad nervous about that and you have admitted (to us at least) that this very situation does exist...

    frankly I think he should avoid you, I mean this is the double standard I see a lot for homosexuals, if there was a straight man here admiting he wanted to have sex with a lezbian friend of his, people would be all over him saying he should avoid her. I realize that you arn't saying you want to seduce him but the overall point I'm making is the same.

    honestly as hard as it is to hear a friendship is a two way street, even if you are the best friend anyone could ever be you still can't force it on someone
    if he's uncomfortable around you there isn't anythng you can do but be yourself (minus the flirting I'd say)
     
  15. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    If he senses this, this could be part of the problem. Now that he has concrete knowledge that you're gay, he may feel more consciously uncomfortable than he did before.

    If you honestly have the "love thing" under control, just give it time and let the dust settle a bit. A month isn't a long time. Once he sees that you're still the same you you always were, he'll relax and come around. Try just to be yourself.
     
  16. GoldenMercury2002

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    So we went out yesterday and towards the end of the night I was being a little quiet and pretty blah. He left early(there were four of us) and immediately texted me to make sure that I text him when I got home. So I texted him that I got home around 2 and he texted me saying what happened tonight you got quiet. I was on the phone with my other friend and told her the whole story about me having a crush on this Guy. This was the first time I told a friend about a crush. So I didn't get his text until the morning and i said yeah I was kind of not feeling good and went into the whole thing about facades and not being comfortable with myself yet and how its all new to me. That's when he said I fully support you and anytime you need to talk i will always be there for you. At that time and with my conversation with my other friend, I noticed that i could never and will never be with him. It hurts but I think, like a lot of you said, I think I would rather him be in my life as a friend than possibly not at all.

    Also thanks for all of your Guy's support I'm happy that bi fpund this website because there a alwas great people like you guys that give excellent advice thanks again.
     
  17. sdbg

    Verified Gold Member

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    That's great! Genuine, sincere friends are few and far between. Looks like you have a keeper! All my guy friends are straight. They know my deal. We joke and laugh about it, and it's never weird. I struggled with coming out to everyone in the early '90s, yet the honesty made all of us closer. The ironic part is that many of them already knew, but didn't care. They liked me for who I was and how I treated them, not for who I wanted to hook up with.
     
  18. D_CountdeGrandePinja

    D_CountdeGrandePinja Account Disabled

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    Be yourself and it's his loss! We ALL are valuable - move on if it can't be fixed.
     
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