Think you could help me with sommat?

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Isil_Siluvalyë, Mar 16, 2007.

  1. Isil_Siluvalyë

    Isil_Siluvalyë New Member

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    Well, my friend is an aspiring writer and he wants to hand a poem into his teacher for bonus marks and whatnot, but he wants a second opinion on it first and to be honest, I don't know the first thing about good poetry, so I thought that maybe someone(/some of you) would be able to tell me what to tell him...?



    The Path

    Darkness;
    The sullen sleep of a darkened sea.
    With crests like hair,
    And with plenty to share.
    I live to be with he;
    The mistress; the sea.

    Silence;
    The quiet song of the tree’s lone lark.
    The quiet night,
    With words so right.
    And empty things;
    And whence; and hark.

    Equals;
    The light in this world’s creeping dark.
    A dark that seeps into their bones,
    A dark that causes subtle moans.
    The light that lives here still;
    By their wills; make your mark.

    A sigh;
    The sound that causes hearts to weep.
    A single one can break a heart,
    Just one, a war, can start.
    The tired song of a tired man;
    A cry; an art.

    An end;
    The beginning of another age.
    The end of a long over-done rush,
    The final stroke of a painter’s brush.
    Set aside the sheet for another day;
    Another bend; another page.

     
  2. Onslow

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    Seems like a well written little item. It's expressive and evokes visuals.
    My only problem was with the third verse Equals--it doesn't seem to be an apt title for that verse; but, otheres may feel differently.

    Overall the poem seems fine.
     
  3. Isil_Siluvalyë

    Isil_Siluvalyë New Member

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    Hmmm...he said he had the most trouble with the last stanza, but now that you mention it I guess that could be a little better.... His favourite stanza wasn't that one so I won't have to worry about him freaking out if I tell him that....

    He always says he wants honest answers, but when ever he hears an answer he doesn't like he tends to get all depressed about it *sigh*.
     
  4. Isil_Siluvalyë

    Isil_Siluvalyë New Member

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    Well...as no one else seems to be forthcoming with an opinion one way or another (Besides Onslow, o'course!), I'm going to tell him nothing for the time being...maybe see what he thinks before telling him what I think :)
     
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