Thinking I might be aro, but not ace.

[dreambridger]

not sure where to post this, but I assume that the asexual community is the most educated in these identity nuances, so I'm posting it here.

As I age, I'm reflecting on why my relationship experiences are very different from that of others.

I realize the healthiest and most rewarding sexual relationship I've ever had was completely absent of affection and romance. We were just using each other and were completely honest about it with no illusion.

I get very twisted up and confused when I attempt to mix sex with affection. I feel smothered and overwhelmed and I just want to withdraw.

I'm very affectionate with platonic friends, happy to cuddle and even kiss them. But I'm beginning to realize that I don't like doing that with my sexual partners.

Classically, this would be seen as some psychological shortcoming on my part. But with progressive thinking emerging from ace and queer communities, I think I'm beginning to appreciate the possibility that this is an orientation, a legitimate personality type, that I may be an aromantic.

I'm definitely not an asexual aromantic, definitely a sexual aromantic. But I've felt like nothing but inauthenticity and confusion in my attempts to be romantic with partners. It feels forced at this point.

This is very new to me to think about so any input you might have would be appreciated.

 

[nhguy78]

I think you're doing just fine. Identity discussions do tend to be more thorough and accepting outside the cis-gay and cis-het realms.

We are our own experts in areas we feel different because no one else can feel what we do and when we do.

It is perfectly valid to have split attractions, not lining up as one would think. In my case, I've recently accepted my identity i once thought was asexual. Turns out I want sex but not from anyone in particular. In the right situations, i could have sex with anyone. I call this pan-cupiosexual. Romantically, i am pan-demiromantic.

There is also lots of talk about platonic relationships that are more affectionate than society usually likes. In the LGBTQ+ community, it would be queer platonic but you don't need to be queer to have affectionate platonic relationships.

 

[TrueB2]

I kind of get how you feel (kind of). I always felt like I wouldn't be able to have a sexual relationship with someone I had romantic feelings for. It just seemed weird to me. When I got my first boyfriend I was worried I wouldn't be able to do both the sexual and romantic thing. However, neither of them makes me feel anything mentally. It's all just physical to me so it doesn't really matter haha. My boyfriend knows I'm asexual and that I'm not sex repulsed, but I get enjoyment from him having a good time. I guess I'm kind of lucky in that regard lol. Sex for me is just something to do. Though when we kiss or cuddle I can't really say it does much for me either. Ehhh I like him and even if I don't feel those "sparks" like most other people I really like him and he's the only person I've ever wanted to be with.

There was a time I thought I was an aro ace and I feel like I'm in/around that spectrum, but I feel good about myself. It took some work, but I'm glad I am who I am haha