This online thing...

amazinggrace

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So, I have been friends with this guy online for 5 yrs. We have shared a lot during this time. I was 16 when we first started to talk. He was a hard person to talk to. He didn't believe that someone like me could ever be that sincere. But I was. I liked him. I liked he didn't fall all over me, and I never liked a guy who did.

He lives in a very small town in Canada, where his balls are still freezing in May. He told of this last May. He is 26, lives at home with his mom, his father has passed on some yrs. ago. He has a job he hates, he never went to school past HS, hates the idea of college and thinks all who do, well...are just stupid. He lives for video games, he reviews them on his site..loves MGS and his middle brother.

I often wonder where I fit in his life. Maybe it was I didn't mind he was moody or stubborn. But as I grew older, as now I am 21 almost done Nursing school and have ideas for my future.. I wonder more why I still engage in conversations where he just ends them with "fuck this" or... says nothing and hangs up if we are on the phone. We wanted to meet in December...but I know that would only bring to me more heartache. He is my best friend in many ways, but I know the way he rips my heart apart daily,,, I just can't take that kind of rejection anymore. It hurts and hurts bad. He says he 'loves' me..but manipulation, putting me down, correcting me all the time, being in the mood to argue all the time and treating me like I'm a rolled up ball of trash who gets kicked around as soon as I say something 'wrong' in his eyes...is not love. Well, thats not all he does to hurt me,,but I'd be here forever telling my story.

How do I leave? It's been 5 yrs. so it's not so easy for me to do..believe me, I tried...and many times over the years. But he comes back with questions like.."why do you reject me?" ... "I thought you cared about me?" which have me regroup and think.."yes, why do I? If I am his friend and care of him, why am I leaving?" My answer should be, "because he hurts me and makes me sad, and I feel like shit most times after we have a talk."

I logged on with a happy "helloo!" only to be logged off on because he was worried of a strike that may happen at work..and I said, "well you live at home (its paid for after dad died) and you have money in your bank (over 20 grand he told me yrs. ago) and usually strikes don't last long." I tried to comfort him.
Well, he logged off. I called him and asked..."what did I say so wrong>" he said for me to go look at the chat, its all there. Said "fuck this" and hung up.

I don't deserve this. Nobody does.

I need serious help in leaving him. But he is in my heart, it's true. But I know my heart can't take anymore of his uncaring and selfish ways either.

I know the usual answers...delete my gmail, dont answer his incoming mail, etc.

I need a bigger plan. I guess I'm looking for a miracle...but any advise would be appreciated.
Please help me.
 
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Brillig47

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Don't waste another thought on him. He is using you as and when it suits him. Recognise your emotional state as a kind of addiction. See if you can go 90 days without contacting him or receiving his approaches. You're very young still. Life is far too precious to waste on someone whose emotional level can be summed up in two words," fuck this!"
 

Astro

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Do I understand you've never met? It sounds a silly immature person you are trying to keep an online relationship going with. Can it. Get out in the real world with people you can speak to and interact with. If they are rude to you or act petulant, you can them, but this does not sound a natural relationship, just habit. The thing about online relationships- you might think you know them, but the reality will bear little relationship with the figure you imagine. Drop it now and get to know people properly, not through a keyboard and screen. Real life relationships mean so much more. Get your figure great, work out, smile, and it will all fall into place.
 

amazinggrace

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I do have offline relationships. I have a very busy offline life. It's just I have known him for a forever, and I miss our good times, true...but I just can't make an unhappy person, happy.

I know online things are very hard, some work though. I don't want to sound like I am so against anything love brings together. My boss moved to Arizona to be with his online gf, they got married 2 yrs. later and now have 2 kids and are just fine.

My issue is, I find it so hard to just not log on, or look for him. It just sucks.

I like the 90 day idea., but hell thats going to be hard. I just bought this little something for him to slip in his birthday card come November. Ugh.

I do feel used though. I really feel like we talk when he wants. He had on more than one occasion say, "well, I'm logging off, I've got better things to do." I'm sure much of us is a habit.
I feel so stupid and weak.
 

bigbucky

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find someone else. stay in touch with him, but keep it platonic. I bet in 5 yrs he'll be right where he is today.
 

D_Harry_Handful

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I do have offline relationships. I have a very busy offline life. It's just I have known him for a forever, and I miss our good times, true...but I just can't make an unhappy person, happy.

I know online things are very hard, some work though. I don't want to sound like I am so against anything love brings together. My boss moved to Arizona to be with his online gf, they got married 2 yrs. later and now have 2 kids and are just fine.

My issue is, I find it so hard to just not log on, or look for him. It just sucks.

I like the 90 day idea., but hell thats going to be hard. I just bought this little something for him to slip in his birthday card come November. Ugh.

I do feel used though. I really feel like we talk when he wants. He had on more than one occasion say, "well, I'm logging off, I've got better things to do." I'm sure much of us is a habit.
I feel so stupid and weak.

And here's the issue:

You are crutches for each other.

To him, you are a distraction, a plaything, and someone to get a thrill/pick-me-up/ego boost when he needs it. If he's bummed out, you can offer words of encouragement.

To you, he's an ideal partner because he represents something that's both appealing and non-threatening. He's (I'm assuming) an attractive man, has a job, decent family, etc. - but he also lives fairly far away, and the immediate chances of commitment are nil. The problem is, you got hooked on the the thrill of small satisfaction in the way of chats/emails/pictures, without the real-life interactions and stressors that come with a relationship. Inevitably, you've started to want more, and rightfully so - but he hasn't (and won't) progress from the state he's in. And why would he? He's always gotten what he's needed from you.

You are in a state of inactivity, relationship-wise, until you cut the cord. If you must, block him. That sounds easy to do, and it'll be hard for the few month(s), but you won't grow until then. The longer you wait to move on, the more you stunt your life progression.
 

Mercurygirl

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Being someone's emotional tampon is no way to go through life. Especially with a guy who sounds like a loser and has zero ambition.

Was your father emotionally abusive?

People get stuck in abusive patterns and stay there, sadly sometimes for a lifetime, because it's all they've ever known and there's a level of comfort and familiarity in it. They equate certain types of attention, even if it's abusive, with love because it's what they've been given since they were children. They don't have the emotional tools in adulthood to distinguish between good and bad relationships. They are drawn to people who emotionally resemble those who abused them in the past. A lot of time it's because they subconsciously want to fix what happen to themselves in past and do this by thinking they can fix the abuser, that is, the new person who now represents the old abuser, in the present. Thus begins this vicious cycle of repeating the mistakes of the past over and over through a series of bad relationship with abusive individuals.

You sound as if you have a low self-esteem. You should seek out a professional to talk to.
 
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Stephenmass

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Personally it sounds as if he takes all his self failures and feels better about himself by putting you down. It puts him above 'somebody'. He isn't happy with himself so he takes it out on you; you're his whipping post. He'll continue it as long as you let him.

He resents your success because he is such a failure. Get out while you can. It's simple; change your phone number and your email.
 

Phil Ayesho

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You are growing up.
The isolated, doesn't fit in, rejector of the status quo that seemed seductive to a 16 year old's perspective has done some growing up and come to see the world is far more complicated and nuanced... and that the only thing that really counts is action.

Your distant friend, however, has not grown up and is dedicated to perpetual adolescence.

He is playing you. Those guys you don't go for, who would fall all over you? Those are the guys who would commit to you. Guys like this infantile twerp are just playing games of being aloof... conditioning you to be perpetually seeking an approval they only dole out in tiny helping to keep you coming back for more.

Your feelings for him are very similar to a gambling addiction.

People go to the casinos and stick in their dollars and pull the handle... and lose. And do it again and again and they lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, and then they win... just a tiny bit.

Unaware that the Casino has done statistical analysis in a very scientific manner to figure out the bare minimum of how much they have to let people win, to keep them shoving money into those machines...

Not everyone plays the slots... because it takes a very specific profile to keep playing at that kind of game.
And when you go into the casino... who do you see playing the slots? Overwhelmingly women. Lonely women. Women who's romantic lives are a mirror of mostly loss and minor win that characterize the slot machine... they hook up with the rebels, the loners, the guys no one 'understands' who hold your own claims of caring for them hostage to their rages, their mistreatments, and their failures.

And like addicts they keep coming back for more... swallowing the abuse in hopes that they can find the magic formula to win that small snippet of kindness, or of praise, or of affection that these manipulative losers dole out like small change to a beggar.


Honey. Grow up. Guys living with their moms and complaining about the world are going nowhere.

It is not mercenary for a woman to want a man who has some ambition, some kindness and joy in his life. Because tying yourself to a heavy rock is a dumb thing to do when you are about to jump off into the deep end of the adult pool.

If you are going to school to be a nurse... then you are planning to make something of yourself.... But nurses have this need to care for the helpless. To try and mend them.

This jerk is broken in a manner for which you are not responsible.

And the only thing you can offer that has the slightest hope of helping him is your absolute rejection.

Women rejecting men who are weak or self centered is part of what DRIVES men to become strong and more socially conscious. If they have it in them.



And you need to seriously sit down and examine and expunge your teenage foolishness about what kind of guy you are attracted to.

Being attracted to the aloof guy is only going to buy you a lifetime stool at that slot machine... investing your heart and pulling the handle only to find out you are a loser.
 

Phil Ayesho

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He's an ass. Move on. The world is your oyster :smile:

oddly... and aptly, an aphorism that refers to the fact that the world contains what you want... and perhaps even the treasure of a pearl... but that you must PRY it open by the strength of your own hands if you hope to have what lies within.
 

Wildbig

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You deserve better and have spent too much time in this to think it will change. You just need to let it go.
 

Sexycyn

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Listen, I had something like this going on from when I was 17 to 19. He lived in Canada, I lived in Scandinavia at the time. Years on all I say to myself is "damn, I was young and stupid". I added him on Facebook a few years ago and even though he is three years older than me he seems exactly as he was 10 years ago.

You've outgrown this arrangement and this man, that's why you are even able to question it. Let him go. If he asks you if you are rejecting him just tell him yes and why. Don't let this man set the pattern for your future relationships. I know I tested my current relationship for about two years in the beginning because I thought all men were like my Canadian ex.

Oh yeah, forgot to add that I did eventually meet him ONCE in those three years, on some sort of holiday. He expected me to foot the bill AND lend him money, then I found out he had fathered another woman's child and that's why he needed the money. Do not be an emotional dustbin for this manchild.
 

D_Dan_D_Lyon

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Don't take this in a bad way.....your just a typical 'young' woman. 'Young women want what they can't have'. You even said it in your original post: "I liked he didn't fall all over me, and I never liked a guy who did." I don't claim to know everything about women, but I have seen this behavior in women over and over. You want the popular, bad boy type (who are usually losers), and you keep guys who would make solid boyfriends in the friend zone.

As others have said, you should cut all contact with this guy. 'He doesn't love you if he treats you like shit'. And it will only get worse.

In the end it's your choice, but you need to realize that your situation is not unique. It's been done. Now you have to decide if you want to go down the road where you try to 'change' him. Or take the advice of older people who have been there, done that, and start looking at those guys who are falling all over you differently. They are guys, so they might be losers too(most of us are), but at least you would be starting out with someone that actually cares about you.
 

Brisler

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Get your figure great, work out, smile, and it will all fall into place.

Wow, that really is some sound advice...

I can assure you, Amazinggrace, that there are some genuinely nice people out there who will like you and love you even if you don't put all your effort into "getting your figure great". I'm sure you already know this.

Astro, did you seriously just tell her to quit on "superficial" Internet acquaintances and go out and find someone who will judge her on the shape of her body?

Anyway, Amazinggrace, I can see that you've been thoroughly pshycologically analyzed in this thread. Unless you see some truth in these rather aggressive attempts to play Freud, I would disregard them completely.

Has your friendship with this guy prevented you from engaging in other romantic relationships? If so, then I would go by the advice given by Sexycyn:

Let him go. If he asks you if you are rejecting him just tell him yes and why.

Either that way, or the other way around. You've already formulated the reason that you have to let him go. That means that it's inevitable. Now you need to gather the strength to actually do it. I can understand that it's a hard thing to do, but the sooner the better.

You sound like a clever girl, and I'm sure you'll be able handle the situation in a nice and respectful way. I wish you the best of luck!
 

Astro

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Well Brisler you can read. Yes is the short answer. The longer answer is to examine the reason a young person resorts to online deep relationships with someone she has probably never met. Does she has severe body image or confidence problems? If you're going to swim in the real-life dating pool, not this online relationship-never-meeting crap habit, you have to do the best with what you've got. If you've got over 200lbs or bad teeth or dreadful hair/frumpy fashion sense, then you've got to fix those things to raise your score and make yourself more attractive (to real people) and attract thise with better scores. Brutal but true. Very few young girls can't make themselves immensely more attractive by dealing with attraction issues, and as I said, if you are going to swim in that real life dating pool, you should do all you can to increase your attraction, self esteem and confidence. If the young lady is already slim and attractive, then it's not such an issue. It might sound cold and heartless, but there are ladies everywhere doing all just those things everyday- hair, nails, skin, shoes, clothese, make-up, fitness, so why do you object to the message? They get the picture - they know to get the best attention they have to work on those things and sweat at aerobics even if you don't.

I like your 'ignore all other advice but mine' message. The young lady came here specifically asking for, and got, pretty unanimous advice. I don't think you help with implying you can be gross and still loved. Maybe so, but far less likely to. If the lady has unattractive attributes that she could address but doesn't, it could explain the habit of resorting to remote friendships of people she's never met, and it's possibly cruel to suggest the issues she perhaps should address and doesn't are not important. You may not be doing a kindness. But we have very limited information from the OP to work on, and the suggestions we have are based on what we can surmise. But she came here asking us our opinions!
 
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Brisler

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Well Brisler you can read. Yes is the short answer. The longer answer is to examine the reason a young person resorts to online deep relationships with someone she has probably never met. Does she has severe body image or confidence problems? If you're going to swim in the real-life dating pool, not this online relationship-never-meeting crap habit, you have to do the best with what you've got. If you've got over 200lbs or bad teeth or dreadful hair/frumpy fashion sense, then you've got to fix those things to raise your score and make yourself more attractive (to real people) and attract thise with better scores. Brutal but true. Very few young girls can't make themselves immensely more attractive by dealing with attraction issues, and as I said, if you are going to swim in that real life dating pool, you should do all you can to increase your attraction, self esteem and confidence. If the young lady is already slim and attractive, then it's not such an issue. It might sound cold and heartless, but there are ladies everywhere doing all just those things everyday- hair, nails, skin, shoes, clothese, make-up, fitness, so why do you object to the message? They get the picture - they know to get the best attention they have to work on those things and sweat at aerobics even if you don't.

I like your 'ignore all other advice but mine' message. The young lady came here specifically asking for, and got, pretty unanimous advice. I don't think you help with implying you can be gross and still loved. Maybe so, but far less likely to. If the lady has unattractive attributes that she could address but doesn't, it could explain the habit of resorting to remote friendships of people she's never met, and it's possibly cruel to suggest the issues she perhaps should address and doesn't are not important. You may not be doing a kindness. But we have very limited information from the OP to work on, and the suggestions we have are based on what we can surmise. But she came here asking us our opinions!

So the short answer is yes and the long answer is yes.

You, sir, are an idiot.