Thoughts about the end of the start of something beautiful!

[1goodguy]

This could be a very long story but I'll try to keep it brief with the key info!


I met a guy off the internet at the start of November 2012, we exchanged only four e-mails within a week and decided to meet as we 'connected'. The first meet was fantastic and we sat chatting for five hours and the feeling was as if we knew each other with so many things in common and yes, we 'clicked'!


We met over the following weeks at least once if not twice with frequent calls or e-mails and the guy said that he felt as if he had met 'the one' and wasn't looking for anybody else. For me this was great to hear because at 51 I had thought that he at 40 may not be so interested but as I say, the more we met the stronger the bond became and it felt as if we were going at a nice pace.


This wasn't a meet up for sex, we were both looking for a relationship that would last and yes we met and talked, had sex, went out, stayed in, talked about what we've done, what we'd like to do, where we'd like to be in x years etc. It felt great and we both acknowledged that we had strong feelings for each other, it felt right, we connected etc.


Texts and calls from the guy would say how he still had a smile on his face when he thought about me and again this was great to hear because the feeling was mutual and I shared this with him.


With the lead up to Christmas and the New Year we had various things on that meant that we could not meet as often but had planned a long walk on the Sunday after Christmas. On the Wednesday after Christmas I got a call from him asking if I was still on for the walk which I was, and did I want to meet on the Sat also.


Of course, I said yes to the Sat for a couple of hours as we'd not seen each other for over a week. On the Thursday I got a call to ask if I wanted to go see a film after the walk and if so could I sort the tickets out and he'd settle up on the Sat.


Saturday came and it was great to see him but something was different and within half an hour he said he needed to tell me that he could not go on with 'us' as he feels claustrophobic, feels 'stuck' and wants to get away from the area, he said he feels too 'comfortable'. He said he feels as if he's throwing away something very good and that he is messing things up but he needs to stop the relationship but hopes we can remain friends.

He also said that maybe he will realise what he's done and come back with his tail between his legs but at the moment he needs to stop.


This was all a bit of a shock, hearing that he wanted to call the whole thing off and even though it's only been six weeks the feelings I have are as if it's been six years! I think because we shared so much info and have spent so much time getting to know each other, our likes and dislikes etc. it feels odd and I can't make sense of it?


Yes, he spoke about these feelings; being 'stuck and feeling too settled' in the area and claustrophobic etc. but I thought this was with relation to everything up until we met. When we met he explained he'd been in a relationship that ended badly but time had passed (a couple of years) and he was ready to commit etc.


He says his head is saying that he has found the right guy, we get on, we 'know each other' we've connected but he has a feeling that says he needs to stop... I have no clue?!


Needless to say there was no walk or cinema last week but we plan to meet tomorrow as I want to express my thoughts and views face to face and I hope he can be honest with me. I realise that if you have a 'feeling' there is nothing you can do until you resolve that for yourself.


Not just with love but in general so there you have it... maybe not such a short e-mail after all and maybe not with all the key info but you get the general feel?! Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I know it's only been a short relationship but trust me it's been intense, the feelings that is.

Thanks in advance 1sadguy! :frown1:

 

[lottie]

It's understandable that you feel sad, you've had 6 weeks of relationship building and high expectations for the future. Unfortunately it sounds like he's got issues he needs to sort out himself and you've got caught up in them.

He wants to remain friends, but I feel you need to look after yourself and that may mean telling him, that maybe you can't be friends until he's sorted himself out? As in it's not about what he wants, but what is right for you.

"He also said that maybe he will realise what he's done and come back with his tail between his legs but at the moment he needs to stop." He clearly wants to keep the door open, but is it just so he has a back-up plan? It's not an easy situation and there are no easy answers, otherwise you'd have already come up with them.

However as he has said he needs to stop, then you also need to stop investing in this relationship. Not saying you won't hurt and think about him for some time, but you need to not give anymore, as the word stop is very final.

When is he moving away or is he just saying that in the same way he did 6 weeks ago? If it's just more talk of moving, then suggest he goes and talks to a counsellor. But leave him to the counsellor, don't be there for him after each session, be it face to face, phone or online. Let him know he can contact you once he knows what he wants, if that's what you want.

6 Weeks, if those weeks are filled with hopes and dreams, then to have it all fall apart without warning, makes it a tough time for you.

Good luck with your meeting tomorrow.

 

[D_Anne_T_Freeze]

I absolutely agree with Lottie. This guy is just going to hurt you IMO. And it may be that this old relationship, didn't end so long ago. An about turn this quickly suggests to me that something out of the blue changed his mind. I know it's hard and heartbreaking but as Lottie said, you need to protect yourself. Take time to not be in contact and see how you feel when those strong feelings fade a little. I hope it works out for you and i wish i could give you a hug.

 

[1goodguy]

Dear Lottie, many thanks for your reply, that was really nice to read and kind of backs up what my head says but my feelings are pulling in a different direction but in the end, I think it will be my head that wins!

Him saying he wishes to move away, it seemed more impulsive when he spoke last week. I think he feels panic? I think the reason I feel the way I do is as you said, the six weeks of building on hopes and dreams that for the most part, he would initiate these chats so yes, I was building my hopes. I shall let you know what happens tomorrow but thanks again.

 

[1goodguy]

Dear Lovingit
Thanks for your message, it could be, that something happened out of the blue for him, he met his ex partner's sister the night before he told me we needed to stop. Although the relationship with his ex lasted 8 years, it ended 10 years ago; anyway, who knows, I don't want to over analyse or it will send me crazy!

I also feel that I should not have any contact with him, for a while at least (again a problem with my head saying no contact but my heart saying have contact). Sadly with this difficulty, I think it may be my heart that wins? As for your offer of the hug... your reply was that!

Thanks again, I'll let you know the outcome of tomorrow!

 

[zpstackz]

I am solidly with Lottie's advice on this one, 1goodguy:

You need to protect yourself. Unless you hear some explanation with sufficient detail from him, you will never know the reason behind his abrupt change of heart (and tha tis unlikely both from the standpoints of possibility and credibility). And, even with that, the explanation is really just window-dressing. Forgive me, but he has checked out of the relationship.
I do, however, give him some credit for encountering what he did and telling you, for whatever reason, it's over. He couldve maintained his relationship with you and made a breakup long, painful and betrayed.

My only advice is this: Move on and don't look back. It's over with him but not over for you. Lots more on your horizon I promise.

 

[hrdhatdad]

It sounds as though things were moving a little too quickly (not that either of you did anything wrong). I agree with the suggestion above that your friend/date feels a little panicked. I have definitely been there before. I would do what he asks, give him some space to sort things out and see what happens. Afterall, this is what dating is all about. It rarely goes smoothly in the beginning.

 

[D_BenJo_Ahanakokolele]

don't you just hate it when Drama unintentionally happens? cause your stuck there thinking to yourself "why the fuck is this happening and why do I have to deal with this shit."

to me it feels like wants stepping stone and he is too old to be pulling that stunt. I mean like the possibility of a relationship ship there but don't for a minute wait for him. I see a growing trend of grown men who are still in the closet but acting on their attraction. whether that's the case or not with him, that's what it sounds like to me. anyways. hopeful ends well.

 

[1goodguy]

Well, thanks to everybody who shared their thoughts. I met with the guy and we spent quite a while together where I was able to tell him how I felt. It became very emotional for us both and we both expressed the same thoughts about each other.

The guy still feels the need to try and understand why he feels this need to get away from the area, especially when he feels he's met the type of person he wants to be with. For a long time he thought he was ready for a relationship and we met. He now feels that he's not ready - even though the person he would like to be with was standing in front of him.

He did say that he still feels that he has messed things up, he's going to see somebody re counselling and this because he wants to talk about the situation he finds himself in with me.

I still have difficulty understanding this feeling he has but recognise he needs to be the one who resolves this for himself. We spent 5hrs together, it felt good, I feel better in myself; if only for telling him how I feel about the situation. We have said that we will stay as friends but who knows. We parted yesterday having spent a great day together where we laughed and cried.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, ;-)

 

[lottie]

It's good that you both were able to talk about how you felt, as it's helps for you to know that it all fell apart, because of his issues, rather than feeling he toyed with you. I feel you need to stay clear in the future, as any kind of relationship with him, sounds like it would end up, as you being his long term counsellor.

 

[B_luv2party]

I went through the same thing with a more conventional relationship. It lasted 10 weeks, but it was as if we had been together for years. While we fooled around, it was definitely not based around sex. Then we had one crummy date, and 2 days later she gave me the "but I want to stay really good friends" talk and ripped my heart out. We went to dinner about a week after we broke up and I had a hard time keeping it together. I've seen her once since that dinner. I'm still not over her and its been close to year and a half. I hope your healing time is significantly shorter than mine.

 

[1goodguy]

Thanks again everybody ;-) x