Thoughts On Female-partnered Friends Who Turn Out Bi Or Gay

DeclanBrent

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So in my early fifties I have a bromance that is hands down the best friendship of my life. The guy is 100% straight but very in key with his emotions and sexuality. The magic of this bromance is that I have zero emotional or physical attraction to him - it is the purest friendship of my life. True bro love without ulterior motives.
Things were going along swimmingly. I'm bi and out to my beloved female partner of more than 10 years. It's been a very long and difficult trip out the closet but out of respect for her I keep my sexuality sealed. I have admitted it to previous bromances and that has proved to be catastrophic - particularly because there was some sort of physical or emotional connection in those cases. I've learned to keep my mouth shut.
Nonethless, three incidents in my past (all known to my partner) have been revealed through a mutual coworker, and have led my friend to know enough about me for the closet door to have opened. I feel no desire or duty or responsibility to tell him anything, mostly to protect my partners dignity but also because it's none of his business what goes on behind closed doors - regardless whether he's my best friend or not. The result is that his innate homophobia has been unleashed. It's not terrible in a 'lets go beat up the gays' sort of way but it's subtle and has definitely changed the dynamics of the friendship.
As of now, we are still in a bromance but the 'innocence' has darkened and been replaced by plenty of gay slurs and comments, no doubt designed to test my reaction.
So straight guys - I'd very much like to know where you are in this situation. You're in a bromance with a guy and it turns out that although he's ostensibly straight with a female partner you like, there are far too many rumors and evidence of him being bi or gay. In fact, due to certain (innocent) behaviors you've witnessed yourself, you start to believe it. Do you lose respect for your friend, downgrade the bromance, think he's doing the dirty on his lady as well as his friends, or do you just decide that as its between your friend and his lady, it's none of your business and continue as normal?
Eager to hear any thoughts.
 

meningreentights

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It's none of your business. Continue as normal. He may be embarrassed that you heard something, and is testing to see if things have changed. If you want to keep the friendship, keep your knowledge of the rumors to yourself.
 
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Hatt_101

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First I have to say if he's that close of a friend to you why doesn't he already know you're bi. Not that he needs to know but if you're as close as you say you are your think that would be something he'd know

Why don't you just call him your bestfriend why do you call it a bromance. If I had a friend that turned out to be bi It would not change anything how would that have anything to do with me? unless he was secretly in live with me, I don't see how having a bi friend would change the friendship.

My best friend right now who is a female is bi and nothing would really change my friendship with her weather or not I knew she likes both men and women.
 

ronin001

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Truthfully I am starting to hate the term Bromance. I curse the individual who came up with the term.

That said, I do not have many friends; but the ones I do have are keepers for life. Most of us are in LTRs / Married for ages, so friends are all we can be, We have responsibilities beyond ourselves. Cutting grass, fixing houses, keeping old cars running, kid appointments, sick parents / family , sick pets ETC.

But to answer the OP. None of my friends are Bi in or out of the closet, at least not to my knowledge. None have voiced any interest in their advancing years to have a change of lifestyle. However if they were to become Bi, and still wanted to help cut my grass, trim hedges, give car advice, give home repair advice / lend a hand fixing a home, give me a ride when I need one Etc. I doubt anything would change. ( with a few exceptions )

I am a needy person as you can see, the good part is that we can all depend on each other when needed.
 

batnballs67

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It's you that has some interest in guys and he doesn't. Maybe the change you see in him is him wondering if you will make a move on him. It would be outside his comfort zone and he might be nervous.. or gauging your reaction to his slurs. I can't predict how it would go, but it might help if he knew he had nothing to worry about from you. But that probably means confirming the rumors face to face. Maybe just keeping your friendship on course will let it get back to how it was, but it might help to discuss the elephant in the room.
 
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DeclanBrent

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@Hatt_101 My only fear of 'why would it matter' is that I'm presenting myself to him and the world as a straight male (as I have a long-term female partner) and have never discussed sexuality, so it may seem I'm being dishonest about one of the core things that makes us human. Your first para concerns me as you seem surprised I would withhold this information from him. It is because he is subtly homophobic while also being a very great guy, and I didn't want to risk him turning against the friendship based on that. I suppose that while he is my best friend, I've had previous experiences of being too open with male friends that have changed the friendship dynamic.
 

DeclanBrent

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@batnballs67 Thanks for your input. There is no option to discuss it - there are too many ways it could go wrong. It has to remain the elephant in the room, my only hope is ensuring that the friendship remains unchanged despite that. From all responses, including yours, it appears that this is a probability.
 

ronin001

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@ronin001 Thanls for your thoughts. I'm intrigued what the 'with a few exceptions'. What exceptions would these be?

Simple. If he realized he was Bisexual, and decided to act on the impulses, while still married. I hold the same views on cheaters identically for both men and women offenders. Second if he became creepy and tried to make anything sexual out of the friendship circle
 
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Hatt_101

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@Hatt_101 My only fear of 'why would it matter' is that I'm presenting myself to him and the world as a straight male (as I have a long-term female partner) and have never discussed sexuality, so it may seem I'm being dishonest about one of the core things that makes us human. Your first para concerns me as you seem surprised I would withhold this information from him. It is because he is subtly homophobic while also being a very great guy, and I didn't want to risk him turning against the friendship based on that. I suppose that while he is my best friend, I've had previous experiences of being too open with male friends that have changed the friendship dynamic.
But that shouldnt matter if he's your best friend especially if you've known him for a long time.

It only surprised me because you made it seem as though you're as close as brother and know every thing about each other. If you knew knew he was homophobic before then that is different. If you knew he had intense homophobia you probably shouldn't have told him
 
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DeclanBrent

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But that shouldnt matter if he's your best friend especially if you've known him for a long time.

It only surprised me because you made it seem as though you're as close as brother and know every thing about each other. If you knew knew he was homophobic before then that is different. If you knew he had intense homophobia you probably shouldn't have told him
I haven't known him for long but fortunately, our best friends don't always need to be guys we've known since crèche. Without any sexual reference intended, the friendship has been like a romance, quick and deep without being intense or uncomfortable or unhealthy. Seriously, like nothing I've experienced before in a platonic sense. My female partner says she is very jealous because she's never experienced a female friendship that's the same.
He is gently homophobic, I think superficially, and just to reiterate that I've never said anything to him about that, but he has clearLy heard rumors amd gossip from others, hence why there was such a sudden uptake in his joshing and insulting.