Thoughts On Obesity And Fatphobia

[MariaMaria2]

I have recently began exploring my thoughts and feelings about being obese and the vast impact it has had in my life. While I would like to lose weight to feel more physically comfortable, it's been shocking to begin to realize the damaging psychological effects of living in this fatphobic world. For me specifically, it's been about trying to reconcile the fact that I like my body, but that can't possibly be true according to the messages we receive about obesity.
The more I look around, the more I see how ingrained and far-fetching this hatred is: from the innocent jokes about how fat everyone is getting during the quarantine to the BBW porn category...I know these read as random and opposite things, but they seem to illustrate the prevailing message: being fat is either something to be afraid of or something worth fetishizing. There's no in-between and they both stem from a negative perception, even if the latter is usually presented as a positive thing. It's not. Why should I feel flattered by you being sexually aroused by my rolls of fat?
On another note, it seems acceptable for everyone to have an opinion about a fat body simply because it's fat (and if you're a woman, you have twice the luck!) and, even worse, fatness defines who you are. And what pisses me off even more is that I have internalized those ideas myself. So, I'm trying to become more aware of them. I'm trying to understand where all of this is really coming from. I'm starting to question. And I'm angry that I spend all this energy on this. I'm aware of the irony...
I don't really have a question. I'm interested in hearing other people's thoughts and maybe share resources to help explore these topics more in depth

 

[Cum_is_Great]

This is a very personal issue for me as I am also morbidly obese. There are so many sides of this but many people refuse to even try to understand. I have run into and seen SO MANY horrible instances of fat shaming under the guise of "help" it's sickening. Like I literally want to cry how mean people are online. For some people, bullying and shaming works for them to stop whatever bad habit they are actively doing. However it does not work for everyone. In fact, there is research/studies that shows shaming obese people actually causes them to gain more weight or stay obese. It increases their underlying issues such as depression or anxiety and causes more harm.

So some people tried to start a movement to have obese people love themselves and the body they are in. Because otherwise why should I take care of myself if I hate myself? Unfortunately as happens with lots of things, initial movements change or a vocal minority becomes the center of attention and warps the perception. This has happened with the so called "fat acceptance". Others, horrified by this, push back with even more shame and ridicule which indirectly harms what was the original goal: having obese people learn to love themselves and the body they are in so they can care for and help themselves.

One other thing that many people don't realize is that morbidly obese people are suffering from an addiction. No seriously. Every meal is releasing dopamine that causes us to crave more. Yes, it is usually unhealthy foods but not always. Its simply a calorie surplus that causes weight gain. Most people who have an addiction to something can fight it by total avoidance. For example: a smoker can eventually never smoke again. A heavy alcoholic learns they just cannot have even one sip of beer or they roll ride down that hill again. But if addicted to food, you cannot totally avoid your addiction trigger. We have to eat everyday. It is essential to life.

Imagine how alcoholics would fare if everyone HAD to have at least 3 beers a day to live. Imagine if heavy chain smokers MUST have at least a 3 cigarettes a day to survive. Most people feel "I was obese and I was able to get back to healthy weight, why can't you? You need more willpower". But perhaps you actually have a lot more willpower than most people. Or perhaps you weren't as addicted as most people. Also imagine how much more unsuccessful quitting of smoking, alcohol or whatever would be if the above scenario were true where whatever you are trying to rid your addiction of is forced to be used/done everyday of your life forever.

Personally, I have been obese for my whole life. Literally since I was a child. I now realize my family overfed me and instilled a very strict "clean your plate OR ELSE." into me which probably taught my body to ignore any sign of normal satiety and eat much more than actually needed. Mixed into that, I became very depressed as a teen when realizing I was gay. Homophobia was prevalent, especially in the black community back then (Still is now to a lesser extent) and to top it off, I am also of Jamaican descent which well, is probably one of the most homophobic countries/cultures. I had to closet myself and hold that door TIGHT. I was so depressed, anxious of ever being outed and absolutely HATED myself. I literally wanted to die but couldn't bring myself to commit suicide. I didn't want to leave my family with that. My fucked up state of mind had thoughts like: "well at least with being so fat, maybe I'll just die of a heart attack or something. Like an indirect gradual suicide."

Eventually I slowly came out of such a deep self hatred of myself and accepted my homosexuality. Sticking a toe into the water, I tried to talk to other gay men online and on Grindr to be greeted with TONS of "No Fats!" and when posting a pic of myself on my profile, actually getting hate messages about how disgusting I was. Mind you, I never was the initiator in conversations, it was just hateful people! I also had a feeling I was already too fat for most and was only looking for friendship and conversation but I couldn't even get that. If you are fat, you are invisible in the mainstream gay community.

I learned that what people call a dad bod nowadays or even just "normal healthy bodyfat" was considered gross and disgusting by the gay community. Even cartoons like American Dad referenced this. "I'm 'gay fat.' I'm 'straight thin' but considered 'gay fat'." (This has shifted some more recently but still pretty bad) So of course if that was "fat", seeing my body was like a shit and vomit filled sac trying to pass as a person. So now unaccepted by my community/family and unwanted by my secret community I was just devastated. Fuck the world, I'll just game and eat. Which is what I did. My only joy in life was video games and food. I ballooned up to 400lbs.

One day I learned there was a small subsection of people in the gay community that liked fat guys. Some like bears, some like chubby guys and some liked "chubs and superchubs" Which I found out is what I am labeled. "Chasers" like the chubs and superchubs. I downloaded chasabl and growlr and actually got some nice conversations with people. Sure it was them acting on a kink/fetish but it was literally the only time I ever ever ever felt even remotely desirable in any way. My first compliments and seen as someone "sexy" it was so much. I eventually made a friend on there and he made me feel like I deserve to be loved. I should love my body and myself. Only then after being exposed to a loving community who saw me as a whole person did I feel like I should take care of myself. I recently was losing weight and going to the gym. But covid put a stop to the gym. Being cooped up in my room is instilling old habits with nothing to distract me from my food addiction. But the love and kindness I received truly helped change my core and I feel as soon as its open again or even some other arrangements will be made for me to get right back into a more healthy lifestyle. Its so tough though and a little understanding and empathy goes a long way to help.

But all the years of shaming and depression and anxiety is still there. There is no way someone was or is obese and doesn't have self esteem issues. It's impossible. And some formerly obese people take those issues out on others out of fear of regressing themselves. To feel superior they bully and shame others. It doesn't work. To subject someone else to such torment because you can't handle your own self esteem issues is abhorrent. But that's what you get in today's society with a lack of empathy. People cannot understand unless they have it actively happen to themselves and the few that shaming worked on themselves incorrectly apply it to everyone else. AKA not true empathy.

Okay I rambled on way too long. I just felt the need to just spill. I hope this is coherent and not just a mess of words spilled on a page.

 

[wallyj84]

I am also morbidly obese. I am also very fatphobic.

I don't know. The people who want to make fun of fat people and justify it by saying that it gives fat people the motivation to lose weight are full of shit. They're not trying to help people, they just want to bully someone. However, being fat isn't healthy. It is one of the least healthy things you can be and shouldn't be encouraged. Is it possible to encourage healthy eating and an active lifestyle, while not being fatphobic? I'm not sure if it is.

Food is so tricky. Let's be honest, the vast majority of obese people eat too much and exercise too little. There are some people who have a glandular problem, but for most it is just calories in and calories out. But food is tricky. It's everywhere, cheap and you have to eat. If you don't, you're going to die. What's more, eating is very enjoyable. The only thing equal to tasting something really good is an orgasm. So I totally get why people overeat.

I'm rambling. So I'll stop here.

 

[MisterB]

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[223790]

I know with me, my fatphobia comes from my previous experiences of being overweight and obese. I know it sounds odd, but it caused a lot of problems for me from being bullied, rejected, ridiculed, humiliated etc when I was younger. I'm not cruel towards other people that have weight issues, but I have also sworn that I won't allow it to happen to me again. It's something I have to be constantly vigilant about because experience has taught me that if I'm not, it will happen again. I let my guard down once in my 40s, and the weight came back with a vengeance. I have since lost it and feel better for it.

 

[Guy-jin]

I’ve gone from 250 to 210 over the past four months and I can say that I despaired about how challenging weight loss is for a long time because it seemed like literally nothing that worked for others worked for me. I tried hard to keep my weight down for years, but it really felt like nothing worked and I got into a bad cycle of toxic shame over it.

Toxic shame is, of course, exacerbated by fatphobia, “tough love,” “just being honest” and other dumb-fucking-shit people who aren’t fat tell themselves they’re doing when they’re just being assholes to folks who are fat.

Ergo, fatphobia is counterproductive to the goal of encouraging weight loss and thus it is only deployed by ignorant assholes. Exempli gratia, the banned dipshit who was being a complete fatphobic nightmare person for much of this thread.

For me, I was finally pushed over the edge by personal health concerns. I am very concerned that if I do not lose weight, I will end up with diabetes and other deleterious conditions that would shorten my lifespan. I saw elevated A1c for three doctor’s appointments in a row and got diagnosed as prediabetic.

About four months of desperation trying to see a dietician and figure out what to do happened until finally I just committed to tracking every last calorie and nutrient. I am using a app called Cronometer on my phone to track everything I eat. I’ve set my limits based on general guidance for weight loss: 40/30/30 carb/protein/fat and 1500 calories a day. The key to this is that I researched what I could consume to hit these dietary goals easily and without feeling desperately hungry. I surprisingly settled on Orgain vegan meal replacement, something that’s apparently typically used for weight gain. But... I blend it with fresh fruit and veggies and it works for my goals. I have also taken to doing essentially Pilates every single day for at least an hour because, as an asthmatic, it gets my heart rate up but perhaps as importantly helps me focus on core strength and general muscle tone.

It took me about six years to go from 204 to 250. It’s taken me four months to go from 250 to 210. And after four months, it’s easier to stay committed.

Fatphobia never, ever helped me. My choice to lose weight was a personal one and one that took a very long time to find a way to commit to because frankly, my body wants to be fat. I’m probably gonna have to eat 1500 calories a day for the rest of my life to stay a healthier weight, but that’s just something I have to accept.

As for other fat folks, I always want to remind them that being fat isn’t actually a choice for the vast majority of us. It’s depression. It’s anxiety. It’s genetics. I have thin friends who can eat 3000 calories a day and not gain an ounce. But not us. Given the choice, I do not believe many people are gonna really choose to be fat. It’s something we try to live with because finding the way to not be fat is so personal and challenging and sometimes impossible for us.

I don’t think people should feel ashamed if they are not in a place in their life where they can lose weight to be a “healthy” weight. I also think we all need to recognize that “healthy” looks different for different people. I’m very healthy at 200lbs, which still puts me squarely in the “overweight” category. I do think people should support others unconditionally as they try to lose weight and become healthier and even if they aren’t trying—just be supportive. Some people won’t lose weight and that’s a personal concern that really isn’t anyone else’s business.

 

[IntactMale]

I personally condone fat shaming because I've seen evidence that it works and I will also continue to fat shame.

By your logic everyone should be shaming you for being an asshole.

Maybe instead of focusing on other people improving themselves you should examine your own toxic personality and try to improve it.

 

[MariaMaria2]

As the OP, I just want to say that I hope I'll be able to reply personally to each person who has made an honest and kind contribution to the thread. I'm just finding it a bit tough because of the amount of replies. Good thing the ignore button works so well, though. That's cutting my work in half! (uh oh, I guess my immeasurable laziness is coming through...)
In the meantime, thank you for sharing your experiences

 

[286798]

While I'm not attracted to obesity, I'm not fat phobic. I dated an AWESOME man for a couple years who was obese. To this day, he's still the best boyfriend I've had but we had a couple fundamental differences that wouldn't ever be resolved, so we parted. I didn't have any issue with his size, but I heard lots of snarky comments about my dating a fatty. People who didn't know him questioned why I was interested in a man like him, made rude comments about him, etc. Even family members who had gotten to know him still made inaccurate assumptions because of his weight. It pissed me off!

That said- he had some health issues associated with his weight and DEFINITELY had more self-esteem issues than I wanted to deal with. I've found myself less inclined to date someone who's obese as a result. Just being honest. Not saying I wouldn't, but if I got a whiff of insecurity, I'd bolt. To be fair, I've also dated thin/fit guys who had insecurity issues, too.

I'd offer that there are people who are willing to see who you are on the inside.

 

[MickeyLee]

Ms @H.C. if you haven't used the ignore feature yet someperson is a great place to start.

He's a walking Cool Hand Luke quote "some men "someperson" you just can't reach"

 

[TallBigGuy]

^This is what matters: loving and accepting yourself as you are. To hell with what others say or think.

2nd this, as long as it is not affecting your heath.

 

[RamblingCock]

Ironic to discover this thread just now. This morning I posted a blog entry dealing with my losing weight and rediscovering my self-confidence.

My job recently changed because of the coronavirus, and I'm having to work a lot harder physically in this role than the one I was actually hired to do. The result of which has been a marked decrease in weight and an increase in muscle tone.

This is not to brag or pretend that there's an easy solution. I've been as high as 265 pounds in the last decade. With all the wonderful heath problems associated with it - and I'm still fighting diabetes and high blood pressure. I've been fighting the same fight for decades. As has my wife.

A few years ago I tried injections, and over the years just about every fad and food program there is. My problem is that I go right back to drinking wine and booze, and eating things like pizza. And watching tv.

And something I noted in the blog is the significant impact losing the weight has had on my psyche. My self-esteem is definitely much better than it was just a few months ago. If you've never been fat you cannot know the drain it has on your self-respect and confidence. Whether you're a fit person saying it's just a matter of eating right and working out, or a fat person saying "accept yourself" you're missing the main point: I want to look and feel better and I'm embarrassed that I don't. It's just not a switch you can turn off and on.

In my case circumstances have led to things which improved my health, but not by design. I didn't set out to lose more fat - I was unhappily cruising around 230-235 for the last year. Without the work change I'd still be around that same weight. I know it sounds weird to say that, but if it were simply a matter of self-control I wouldn't be a 59 year old with three decades of health issues and weight problems behind me.

I was a former athlete. I know how to be fit. That's not the issue. The psychology that goes along with being fat is the issue.

And that's something few people who haven't fought the fight get.

I've got a long way to go and may not make it. I've had too many times when I made great progress only to fall back. But boy do I get the damage that does to my state of mind. More power to you Maria. Thanks for starting this thread.

 

[MariaMaria2]

I know with me, my fatphobia comes from my previous experiences of being overweight and obese. I know it sounds odd, but it caused a lot of problems for me from being bullied, rejected, ridiculed, humiliated etc when I was younger. I'm not cruel towards other people that have weight issues, but I have also sworn that I won't allow it to happen to me again. It's something I have to be constantly vigilant about because experience has taught me that if I'm not, it will happen again. I let my guard down once in my 40s, and the weight came back with a vengeance. I have since lost it and feel better for it.

Thank you for sharing your experience.
Obesity is a chronic disease, so your vigilance is valid. I'm sorry you have to live with that burden. Just know you are not alone.
If I may add something to think about: you say that obesity caused problems such as bullying and humiliation. I would say what caused those things was people's lack of respect and empathy; and of course the ingrained fatphobia that we all live with. Those people would have probably done the same even if you were not overweight, because that behavior is about their issues, not yours.

 

[Cum_is_Great]

@someperson

Yup and people who are anorexic are just lazy as well. They are so lazy they refuse to eat! Nothing to do with mental health.

Depressed people aren't depressed. They are just lazy. So lazy they refuse to be happy! They are so lazy they refuse to properly care for themselves. It's all excuses!

And @someperson you are so lazy you refuse to use nuance! Lazy and ignorance go hand in hand and there is plenty of it in this topic.

Some things happen in people's lives and it affects them in different ways. Because it's true for one, it doesn't make the same circumstances apply to another. Making sweeping generalizations along with hatred will never be correct.

 

[Brian S]

My own weight gain can be attributed to several factors. For one, my body type is the spitting image of my grandfather's, as well as so many of my uncles and cousins. There's also a "big-boned" "cornfed" body type on my mother's side. I'm also now officially over 40, and my metabolism has been on the wane for a while. I've been in a solid relationship for almost 18 years now, so I'm sure there's an aspect of being comfortable and settling in. I don't struggle for money anymore, either, and can buy whatever food I please. Mostly, it's due to my caloric intake and not being active enough. And I'm fully aware of that. And I'm working on it. I've quit pop and energy drinks, save for the very occasional Sprite. I've been trying to eat healthier and find better recipes; make better choices. Now, I just need to get more active.

I'm probably just echoing what a lot of other people have already said, but the thing with shaming is it's never helped me. Trust me, you can't say anything about my weight that I haven't already thought about myself. I've always had a strong sense of self-deprecation to my humor, so it was easy for me to take that on as a joke. I acknowledge it and crack one before anyone else has a chance to.

Making me feel bad about my weight is never going to help me. I understand it's unhealthy; I understand I'd feel better and have more energy. You're (royal you) not telling me anything I don't already know. You're not so clever as to be informing me of something I haven't thought about already. You're not helping; you're getting your kicks by being a bully. I, like so many others, stress-eat and comfort-eat. What do you think being an asshole does to someone like that? Hint: Makes them shovel it in.

Like any addiction, I had to reach that point on my own. I grew tired of shopping with my partner and having to walk to a different part of the store to find the big and tall section. I grew tired of the severe lack of options in the big and tall section. I'm tired of always being tired. I'm tired of working up a sweat almost immediately when doing menial tasks. I'm tired of always picking at my shirts to make sure they aren't too clingy against my body. Nobody's shaming could have done that for me. Nobody's judgment could have made me change my mind. I'm working on it because I want to work on it. Kicking me when I'm down doesn't do anything other than drive me to the food.

 

[halcyondays]

I like my body,

^This is what matters: loving and accepting yourself as you are. To hell with what others say or think.

 

[LilJock]

First off, I don't think "fat shaming" is ever OK. Most fat people know they're overweight and don't need to be reminded of the fact. They're either fine with it or have tried -- or are trying -- to do something about it.

I'd like to give another perspective on the problem. I'm a physical fitness nut and a former high school and college athlete, so it sounds funny how the fear of gaining weight has dogged me throughout life. I've always been in great shape but did carry more weight playing football in college (225 - 230 lbs vs current 195 lbs.). I purposely put on weight, believing it was needed to be a better player. I loaded up on carbs; mashed potatoes were my food of choice.

I wasn't overweight in the normal sense of the word. Pictures from that time show a good-looking, though younger and "rounder" me. However, I hated the extra pounds. I felt I looked like John Candy or Chris Farley, so after I finished up playing, I went on a crash diet.

However, as many can attest to, it's a constant struggle keeping it off. I exercise all the time. I "diet" all the time. I eat smaller portions. At restaurants I leave enough on my plate to feed the once-starving people of China my mother warned about. I have to suffer in agony while my wife praises how fantastic the desserts are; she can eat like a longshoreman, not gain an ounce and still look gorgeous.

Frankly, I'd love to let go and not worry about gaining some weight. However, my insecurities compel me to stay in shape. My self-image of the lean, mean machine won't let me gain an extra pound. I diet and exercise constantly. Inwardly, I fear I'll be rejected if I ever lose my looks. My wife assures me she wouldn't care if I weighed a little more, but the belief I'm desired only for my looks keeps me on the treadmill.

So there's another side to fat-shaming. In my case, it works. It does keep me ripped and toned. I'm not sure I wouldn't be more at peace with myself if fat-shaming weren't so ruthlessly effective.

 

[4388301]

Please dont hate me for this post, hear me out

I havd no problem with how people chosr to spend their life, wether thats being super fit, or a workaholic, being over weight, smoking or drinking etc. But we all have to stiffen up a little.

Why do we live in a society that its not okay to have a laugh. Theres a distinct difference between a joke, and abuse in my eyes. A stan up comic, or on tv where its not aimed at anyone, is totally fine to me. Person to person with malice, thats not acceptable. Some may say stopping it entirely would erase it, it would certanly jelp yes, but for me ossue comes im taking offence. Story time

Being s red head, the only one in my year of primary school, i quickly got the ginger treatment. Of course the school cant stop kids bullying, so i knew i had to fske it upon myself to find a solution. And that was to simply not care. Try simply accept it,
"Oi ginger nuts" id hust reply, "good observation." Or simply not at all. When the bullys didnt get a reaction, they moved on. The bullying stopped veru quickly and i rarely got another ginger joke, because i didnt take offence.

Our modern world is much like this, if we stop worrying about what others think, we can become more in tune with ourselves. Same goes for models. Most people in the general public wouldnt gove a damn, hell look at M monroes famous shots. We dont care!!! Just celebrate all shapes and sizes.

If we stop giving the reaction people stpp giving it. If someome leaves a nasty comment, jisy delete and move on. Granted theres no place for bullying or harrassment, and appropriate measures need taking, but when they get a reaction it feeds them.

Finally, for the record Maria, you look great! Chin up. X

Good for you that not reacting made shit stop, but is no the case for everyone. Ignoring bullies did nothin' but make them escalate/be worse for me an plenty of others. Rose tinted glasses as fuck. Your experience is far from universal.

 

[5507511]

it's just lazyness even if you ate the same amount of stuff every day and went out for a run or walk , work out everyday you would still lose weight... slower but you still would

excuses excuses

No it's not lazyness for some people!! I've have had to exercise and damn near starve myself back in the day. I was at that point a size 2. And the charts still said I could lose more. That was a long time ago.

Some people's bodies are ment to be a size 2 some are built different. I am built different. And looked very unhealthy with my frame being so thin. Sorry sweetie but that's a rude comment!! Do not label someone lazy because you do not know how thier body works!

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

yeah it is
I was at 250 pounds mens size 44 due to lazyness
Yes i did dip down to 185 size 32 with a 4pack (pelvic bone limitation)..

I had to work extra hard for it as my testosterone is low 270-280 range
now i'm at 210 @ Size 34 currently cause I slacked off

i stopped slacking off resonantly so i should be able to get that back no problem

Speak for YOURSELF then. Not for the human population.

Self-centered jackass.