Three-way... Relationship?

D_Percy_Prettywillie

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I haven't written a post on LPSG in a long time so forgive me if I'm a little out of practice. I've found myself in one of, if not the most peculiar situation I have ever personally been in. I've decided to share to get some advice- the situation is so off the beaten path the internet is a reasonable place to turn for ideas.

Alright, so a little over a year ago, a new guy shows up at work. I think he's one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen with my own two eyes (though that is something I would later find I was in the minority on.) He worked in my department so I befriended him and kind of tried showing him the ropes of what we do... more so than I would have had I not found him attractive. He turned out to be clever, charming and a little melancholy- so pretty much perfect for me. Unfortunately he also turned out to be married. (To someone who also works for our company but in a different department.) That, for me, has been a universal "walk away" sort of situation as it isn't my fantasy to "turn" anyone or be a marriage wrecker- I'm not that hot and the thrill just isn't there for me the way it is for some. So, after just hanging out at work, I pretty much poured water on the fire and left it alone.


Flash forward to 6 months later. This dude and I haven't really spoken much. Outside of work specific conversation there wasn't any need for us to do so. I guess I was feeling lonely or bored or both in some combination and I invited him outside to smoke with me. That was the moment that led to everything else. We talked more and decided we liked each other enough that we should hang out. His only stipulation was that his wife came along because he didn't go to social events without her. I said that was fine and a few nights later they came over to my place for drinks and a little music.

2 months later and we've spent a good majority of the Summer hanging out with each other, the three of us, in combination with some of their other friends. We'd drink, play games, listen to music, go on "adventures" (meaning walks through their neighborhood), discuss various media, swim- whatever. During those two months a pattern developed where she would go to sleep much earlier than the two of us ever wanted to- hours and hours before. Well, he and I continued to drink which ended with me asleep spooned to him on the couch. We didn't kiss or jerk each other off or anything overtly sexual but it was definitely cuddling, which I justified as just a need for human contact and he justified as... not getting that from anyone else in his life for a while (their marriage has some stresses on it.) She knew about it but never really said anything- such was the nature of our friendship.

1 month later (and here's where you're all going to start rolling your eyes) we moved into a place together- this married couple and myself. They had a lot to learn about just maintaining a house, keeping it clean, etc. and I honestly needed the company (I was promoted and now work from home so I don't even see co-workers very often anymore.) The trend continued with the drinking and cuddling. One night, as I think was inevitable, it escalated further than that.

And then the conversation was launched... it was decided, between the three of us, after the most awkward conversation I have ever had, that we would try messing around with each other and just see where it went. That never actually materialized because after almost getting there, I declared that I didn't want to be a sex toy that they just broke out when they were in the mood- I'm more emotional than that and I don't think that's what I was after (though what exactly I was after is still unclear.) So, after another few weeks of weirdness, we decided that we would enter this as a literal three way relationship. I've slept in their bed a couple of times now (and by sleep, I mean that literally- I've slept there) and I guess I'm on the verge of putting this thing to rest... but something is wrong.

The last four nights I haven't been able to go in there. I'm in a place where I almost don't even want to speak to them during the day time. We're still watching tv together in the evenings and eating together but after that's done I always want to retire to my room now- at this point I don't even want to cuddle. What has happened here? I'm not an especially moral or religious person so I don't think it's that. I feel guilty that I went from "walk away" from this to "join in a three way" in just a year but... it isn't like anyone was manipulated into any of this.

I guess I'm afraid that this is classically me behavior where I only ever want what I can't have and if I suddenly can have it, I don't want it anymore. That would be the worst case scenario but I don't think that's it either. It feels deeper than that.

I love these two people. I loved them... long before anything at all physical had happened and I'm not the sort of person that has a lot of friends. Is there anyway this ends happily? Do these sorts of situations ever work out?


Thanks for letting me vent.

JSZ​
 

Heat

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I haven't written a post on LPSG in a long time so forgive me if I'm a little out of practice. I've found myself in one of, if not the most peculiar situation I have ever personally been in. I've decided to share to get some advice- the situation is so off the beaten path the internet is a reasonable place to turn for ideas.

Alright, so a little over a year ago, a new guy shows up at work. I think he's one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen with my own two eyes (though that is something I would later find I was in the minority on.) He worked in my department so I befriended him and kind of tried showing him the ropes of what we do... more so than I would have had I not found him attractive. He turned out to be clever, charming and a little melancholy- so pretty much perfect for me. Unfortunately he also turned out to be married. (To someone who also works for our company but in a different department.) That, for me, has been a universal "walk away" sort of situation as it isn't my fantasy to "turn" anyone or be a marriage wrecker- I'm not that hot and the thrill just isn't there for me the way it is for some. So, after just hanging out at work, I pretty much poured water on the fire and left it alone.


Flash forward to 6 months later. This dude and I haven't really spoken much. Outside of work specific conversation there wasn't any need for us to do so. I guess I was feeling lonely or bored or both in some combination and I invited him outside to smoke with me. That was the moment that led to everything else. We talked more and decided we liked each other enough that we should hang out. His only stipulation was that his wife came along because he didn't go to social events without her. I said that was fine and a few nights later they came over to my place for drinks and a little music.

2 months later and we've spent a good majority of the Summer hanging out with each other, the three of us, in combination with some of their other friends. We'd drink, play games, listen to music, go on "adventures" (meaning walks through their neighborhood), discuss various media, swim- whatever. During those two months a pattern developed where she would go to sleep much earlier than the two of us ever wanted to- hours and hours before. Well, he and I continued to drink which ended with me asleep spooned to him on the couch. We didn't kiss or jerk each other off or anything overtly sexual but it was definitely cuddling, which I justified as just a need for human contact and he justified as... not getting that from anyone else in his life for a while (their marriage has some stresses on it.) She knew about it but never really said anything- such was the nature of our friendship.

1 month later (and here's where you're all going to start rolling your eyes) we moved into a place together- this married couple and myself. They had a lot to learn about just maintaining a house, keeping it clean, etc. and I honestly needed the company (I was promoted and now work from home so I don't even see co-workers very often anymore.) The trend continued with the drinking and cuddling. One night, as I think was inevitable, it escalated further than that.

And then the conversation was launched... it was decided, between the three of us, after the most awkward conversation I have ever had, that we would try messing around with each other and just see where it went. That never actually materialized because after almost getting there, I declared that I didn't want to be a sex toy that they just broke out when they were in the mood- I'm more emotional than that and I don't think that's what I was after (though what exactly I was after is still unclear.) So, after another few weeks of weirdness, we decided that we would enter this as a literal three way relationship. I've slept in their bed a couple of times now (and by sleep, I mean that literally- I've slept there) and I guess I'm on the verge of putting this thing to rest... but something is wrong.

The last four nights I haven't been able to go in there. I'm in a place where I almost don't even want to speak to them during the day time. We're still watching tv together in the evenings and eating together but after that's done I always want to retire to my room now- at this point I don't even want to cuddle. What has happened here? I'm not an especially moral or religious person so I don't think it's that. I feel guilty that I went from "walk away" from this to "join in a three way" in just a year but... it isn't like anyone was manipulated into any of this.

I guess I'm afraid that this is classically me behavior where I only ever want what I can't have and if I suddenly can have it, I don't want it anymore. That would be the worst case scenario but I don't think that's it either. It feels deeper than that.

I love these two people. I loved them... long before anything at all physical had happened and I'm not the sort of person that has a lot of friends. Is there anyway this ends happily? Do these sorts of situations ever work out?


Thanks for letting me vent.

JSZ​
Stop beating yourself up and think of it as your intuition leading you in a good direction. Three ways with a m/f couple will not end well -- for any of you.
 

Call_Me_Daddy

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I think it just boils down to you're not comfortable.

And that's ok.

From what you've said it doesn't sound like you physically got tot he point where you can't stay friends and house mates.
 

Florida Boy

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You probably summed it up very well, "classically me behavior where I only ever want what I can't have and if I suddenly can have it, I don't want it anymore." The only thing that's changed it the fruition of your goal. I think you are in a situation and will have to deal with it. With careful handling and a lot of openness and tolerance, it could continue on an even keel. His wife has to know that what the two of you really want it sex with each other and not with her. She holds a lot of the keys as she's got a legal hold on him.

Keep us posted.
 

D_Percy_Prettywillie

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I should add to this I guess...

I am in love with him. I feel about him like I have never felt about another person. I like... everything about him. I like his overtly long and uninteresting stories about games I don't play, I like the way he bounces a little when he walks, I like the way he looks at people in the eye when he speaks to them, I'm intoxicated by the way he smells, I like his terrible taste in music, his fiction, his politics, his fashion (or lack there of)... everything. The first time he kissed me I very literally blacked out for a few seconds (though I remained standing.) There isn't anything I wouldn't do to just... be around him. And I think that's why it got to the point I was okay moving in together- I just wanted him to be around.

I love her but it isn't the same... it just isn't. I like her company and I like... our mutual interests (obviously). And I definitely don't want to see her hurt... but I'd be a liar if I said I was in love with her the same way.

It almost sounds like a compromise when described that way, doesn't it? Like that "Would You Push the Button" game? I can have the guy of my dreams forever... but I have to enter into a three-way relationship with his wife. And at first I was like, "Yes, lets do this!" Now I'm like "Wait... what?! Uh... well... hmmm..." And it isn't like I can go ask other friends for advice. Like Daisy said this isn't exactly an experience a.) everyone has had or b.) will respond to without disgust and shame.

Isn't it ironic?

JSZ​
 

D_Percy_Prettywillie

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His wife has to know that what the two of you really want it sex with each other and not with her. She holds a lot of the keys as she's got a legal hold on him.

Keep us posted.


I don't know that this is exactly true- he is in love with her. He loves her very much (he's put her through a lot.) I know he likes me a lot but I don't think he feels as strongly as I do. If he had to push one of us out of a moving car to save the other, I know it's me that would end up on the pavement.


JSZ​
 

B_StevJ

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I don't know that this is exactly true- he is in love with her. He loves her very much (he's put her through a lot.) I know he likes me a lot but I don't think he feels as strongly as I do. If he had to push one of us out of a moving car to save the other, I know it's me that would end up on the pavement.


JSZ​

You did the wrong thing! You knew how you felt and proceeded to think about u first! This is where the wrecking ball comes in.
 

mikeyinbrooklyn

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I respect any consenting adult's choices when it comes to their love life. That having been said, I have never been able to get my head around how more than 2 people can be in a successful relationship. I just don't see how one can divide their emotions in directions. I can see how the sex works, but how daily life and love would, I just don't know.
 

D_Percy_Prettywillie

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You did the wrong thing! You knew how you felt and proceeded to think about u first! This is where the wrecking ball comes in.

I don't disagree with this... at all. Honestly, even though no one had malicious intent, I feel like that's where it's headed- to a bad end, for one, two or all three of us (the last being the most likely.) It was terribly selfish and naive of me to think cuddling was as far as it would go and that ultimately that was all I wanted.

That being said... I've got two people who are "into it" and now it's me that has the reservations. Part of me thinks the less selfish option at this point is to just... go with it. But I obviously have reservations.

@mikeyinbrooklyn

Yeah... I'd honestly never considered this either. In fact I myself am sort of a hypocrite in that I've been somewhat disdainful of this sort of thing in the past- saying things like "it's fun for the sex but how can anyone pull that off emotionally?" The answer is... I don't know that I can.


JSZ​
 

Dell1962

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Let's see, you are 24 and have to opportunity to be in a relationship with two other people at the same time. Hmmmmm. I look back on all the opportunities I have had in my life and I took the moral high road and said, "Nope, can't do it." When I should have just let my mind go and then experienced it instead of thinking about it.

I now realize that the absolute worst thing which could have happened was I ended up alone. Which, when I took the high ground, was what ended up happening anyway.

Life is about the experiences. What in the hell is the point in living if you do not try something new and crazy once in a while.

If all three of you are in a room and all three of you want to strip your clothes off and you want him and he wants you and she is great to watch then do it. Don't think about it, just experience it. Then when the two of you are done if she wants him and he wants her and you want to kick back and smoke, then let them. And when it is over, all three of you wind up cuddled together, then call it a night and dream sweet dreams.

Don't regret it in the morning, experience the moment. These opportunities do not come everyday. Take advantage of the time you have. One day, it will be over. Do not look back and regret, look back and go, "I did that....and I had FUN"

Just my two cents.
 

badger2395

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I don't disagree with this... at all. Honestly, even though no one had malicious intent, I feel like that's where it's headed- to a bad end, for one, two or all three of us (the last being the most likely.) It was terribly selfish and naive of me to think cuddling was as far as it would go and that ultimately that was all I wanted.

That being said... I've got two people who are "into it" and now it's me that has the reservations. Part of me thinks the less selfish option at this point is to just... go with it. But I obviously have reservations.

@mikeyinbrooklyn

Yeah... I'd honestly never considered this either. In fact I myself am sort of a hypocrite in that I've been somewhat disdainful of this sort of thing in the past- saying things like "it's fun for the sex but how can anyone pull that off emotionally?" The answer is... I don't know that I can.


JSZ​

You're in a "V" relationship, in polyamory terms. It CAN work, despite what ANYBODY ELSE has said so far. I've been in one now for about two years. To get past your reservations involves communication, which means talking. You need to discuss this stuff with him and probably with her. There isn't anything you've mentioned which is a deal-breaker - what you seem to be dealing with are your own reservations (and possibly preconceived notions) about things. The biggest problem often is that there are few if any positive role models for this kind of thing, so threeway relationships can appear to exist without natural means of support. It actually comes from building trust between all three people. I'd say go for it, being careful not to overreact either positively or negatively. And really TALK about how you feel and how he and she feel. Good luck.
 

sfu

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Dude get out while you can. If you have real feelings for this guy you are only going to become more hurt the more you get involved. Obviously you don't feel comfortable with the situation because you don't want to be their side dish. No matter how you cut it, it's them first and you're the side.
I'm kinda in a similar but much less complicated situation. Guy of my dreams convinced me to go over to his apt late one night even though he had a bf. We ended up fooling around then not talking for months. Now we are in contact again and the couple has made advances on me the past few weekends. As much as I'd love to be with that beautiful guy I crushed on for a majority of the past year I know I deserve better than to be some weekend side. Clearly your gut is telling you what you want.
 

D_Percy_Prettywillie

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I am literally split between the last two posts.

@Badger2395
I did some research, never having heard the term "V relationship" before, and was... frankly, astounded how much literature is out there on the subject. There are evidently a lot of people who make this kind of situation work... and in combinations/scenarios I hadn't considered before. That's... uplifting, I guess, but like you said the key to all the successful ones was communication and this is so uncomfortable for me (and I'm assuming everyone else involved) to talk about, that's no small ask. Each of us has our own hang up. But I get it- if it's going to work out somehow, we have to talk to each other and I think I know the first thing I need to talk about...

-which is a part of the story I (for some reason) left out. About two weeks he actually "dumped" me. This was after the part where we decided to mess around with each other but before the part we decided we were in a relationship together. It broke my heart but it was kind of mutually agreed between he and I that it was for the best. Well... she wasn't down with that, believe it or not, and her change of heart made him have one. He said he was doing that for her and I understood- he'd paid a lot more attention to me than his wife and what kind of monster would I be if... well, you get the idea.

I have to know if he's in this for her or because he actually wants to be in a relationship with me. And until your post, I hadn't considered the fact that that was bothering me so much. That's... still me thinking about only me, I get it- but if this is about keeping her happy (no matter what that looks like) and not about wanting me in some fashion, the answer to this scenario for me becomes a little easier to digest.

And that's the flip side:

@sfu

I'm afraid of that being the answer- that this isn't about me at all and it's just...him trying to keep his neglected wife happy and for some reason she wants another guy in their relationship since (and I mean this honestly) it sometimes seems as though she doesn't actually like him at all- I know she can't imagine her life without him and that they've been together for a while and I'm pretty sure she loves him... but I don't know that she likes him.

So once I find out that that's the answer- today, tomorrow, 6 months, a year from now- wouldn't it have been better to abandon ship and get out of this emotional clusterfuck while I was still mostly in tact? I'm a reasonably intelligent, reasonably attractive guy... shouldn't I hold the bar just a little higher for myself?


Life... would be so much easier if I were a cat of some sort.


JSZ​
 

Heat

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I respect any consenting adult's choices when it comes to their love life. That having been said, I have never been able to get my head around how more than 2 people can be in a successful relationship. I just don't see how one can divide their emotions in directions. I can see how the sex works, but how daily life and love would, I just don't know.
I know of several "truples" among gay men... and while some think that that would be easier...I'm with you, I can't see how all those emotions get divvied up evenly.
 

D_Percy_Prettywillie

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I know of several "truples" among gay men... and while some think that that would be easier...I'm with you, I can't see how all those emotions get divvied up evenly.

That's another thing! (Good lord this is multifaceted);

If it were two guys, I would universally and absolutely be against this- I wouldn't have agreed to move in together in the first place. I know that wouldn't work for me because I'd... I just know it wouldn't.

While I don't consider myself bisexual I still feel like this has more of a chance, even with its obvious, high barrier complications. I like her... and I don't think I could like another guy if I knew that sometimes he was sleeping with the guy of my dreams. Yet somehow I'm alright in this scenario (or was) I guess because we offer different things (mentally and physically.)


(At this point I'm just responding because it's helping to clarify my thoughts inside my own head and your feedback is 100% helping me to do that. I really appreciate thoughts and perspectives from both sides of this thing. I'm nothing if not... deliberative.)

JSZ​
 

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I am literally split between the last two posts.

@Badger2395
I did some research, never having heard the term "V relationship" before, and was... frankly, astounded how much literature is out there on the subject. There are evidently a lot of people who make this kind of situation work... and in combinations/scenarios I hadn't considered before. That's... uplifting, I guess, but like you said the key to all the successful ones was communication and this is so uncomfortable for me (and I'm assuming everyone else involved) to talk about, that's no small ask. Each of us has our own hang up. But I get it- if it's going to work out somehow, we have to talk to each other and I think I know the first thing I need to talk about...

-which is a part of the story I (for some reason) left out. About two weeks he actually "dumped" me. This was after the part where we decided to mess around with each other but before the part we decided we were in a relationship together. It broke my heart but it was kind of mutually agreed between he and I that it was for the best. Well... she wasn't down with that, believe it or not, and her change of heart made him have one. He said he was doing that for her and I understood- he'd paid a lot more attention to me than his wife and what kind of monster would I be if... well, you get the idea.

I have to know if he's in this for her or because he actually wants to be in a relationship with me. And until your post, I hadn't considered the fact that that was bothering me so much. That's... still me thinking about only me, I get it- but if this is about keeping her happy (no matter what that looks like) and not about wanting me in some fashion, the answer to this scenario for me becomes a little easier to digest.

And that's the flip side:

@sfu

I'm afraid of that being the answer- that this isn't about me at all and it's just...him trying to keep his neglected wife happy and for some reason she wants another guy in their relationship since (and I mean this honestly) it sometimes seems as though she doesn't actually like him at all- I know she can't imagine her life without him and that they've been together for a while and I'm pretty sure she loves him... but I don't know that she likes him.

So once I find out that that's the answer- today, tomorrow, 6 months, a year from now- wouldn't it have been better to abandon ship and get out of this emotional clusterfuck while I was still mostly in tact? I'm a reasonably intelligent, reasonably attractive guy... shouldn't I hold the bar just a little higher for myself?


Life... would be so much easier if I were a cat of some sort.


JSZ​

Gotcha. Here are some cautionary comments:
  • Getting involved with a couple is not the same as getting involved with a single person (yeah, obvious I know). The key element here is to make sure that they BOTH want you in the relationship with them, individually and together. If one of them wants you badly and the other is indifferent, then you should think about whether or not it is really working.
  • If he's conflicted about how much time he's spent with you and whether or not he's neglecting her, that is THEIR ISSUE. Dumping you without consulting her indicates they need to talk about the priorities of their relationship AND how it affects you.
  • ALL relationships are "emotional clusterfucks" at one point or another. The question is, "is this a clusterfuck worth dealing with?"
  • I'd be careful about concluding that this relationship doesn't clear the bar of your standards. Given the language you used earlier about HIM, I'd say you are going to have this kind of reaction in future relationships. Don't get hooked on that "ooh, bright and shiny!" of early relationship and bail when things get complicated. They ALWAYS get complicated.

I definitely get it that you want them to want you for the right reasons. If he *IS* into you because he just wants to keep her happy, that's not a good reason. Frankly, someone to talk to in all of this is her: what is she looking for, why, and how does she feel about you? She might actually see the value of your relationship with him, and want to support it as it makes everybody happier. She might instead see this as a way to keep bailing water out of their sinking relationship - which would be very bad. You won't know until you talk to her (by yourself).

As for him, well, he seems pretty opaque from your descriptions. If he's definitely into you, then he needs to square that with you and her. That's hard to do playing telephone between you, him, and her. You might want to all three of you have a talk about what's going on, what you all see happening, and what you want. Lots of communication, potentially rewarding, and pretty likely to get you real data about what you should do.

Relationships like this are work. But you gotta talk before you find out if it is really worth it for you.

Good luck!
 

sfu

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Obviously this isn't your ideal relationship. You say you love the guy. If you could have it your way it'd be just you and him. But it's their bed. You have your room. What happens if they have a kid. Is it yours too? What about introducing to family? You gonna say this is my boyfriend...and his wife is over there. I don't really see how this can work in the long run. If all you want is hot sex then move out so it's less complicated and just do that, but I think it's clear you want more than that. Not only will this relationship not satisfy you but it is distracting you from being open to new options. Who knows, maybe their relationship will crumble. He'll realize the one he wants is you and you alone, but you can't sit around hoping that will happen. Move on with your life and if it's meant to be it will happen.
LOL I like to journal when I'm trying to make sense of my emotions. It's different from hearing various viewpoints but it's nice to be able to go back and see how you're thought process has changed...or if you're just going around in circles.
 

Jjz1109

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Dude get out while you can. If you have real feelings for this guy you are only going to become more hurt the more you get involved. Obviously you don't feel comfortable with the situation because you don't want to be their side dish. No matter how you cut it, it's them first and you're the side.
I'm kinda in a similar but much less complicated situation. Guy of my dreams convinced me to go over to his apt late one night even though he had a bf. We ended up fooling around then not talking for months. Now we are in contact again and the couple has made advances on me the past few weekends. As much as I'd love to be with that beautiful guy I crushed on for a majority of the past year I know I deserve better than to be some weekend side. Clearly your gut is telling you what you want.

Have to agree with the above. The fact that he's including his wife in everything shows their bond, albeit open to exploration or whatever. But you are not going to end. Up with what you want. You are putting a lot out there, and stand to get hurt. Leave now and move on.