Threesome urges.

Sagittarius84

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Disclaimer: I have already asked/spoken to my wife on the matter..and all I get is usually a bunch of blushing and "I don't knows" so I'm hoping to just pick some other ladies' brains to maybe get some insight.
What could possibly be the motivation to express a desire for, or even act in a way to facilitate inviting another woman to have sex with us, only to have extreme paranoia I may be conversing with said woman after fact, without my wife?
I mean like most red blooded hetero men, sex with more than woman at a time is definitely bucket list material, and even beyond sex, I could see how adding a "sister wife"(maybe we'll just say gf) would actually work really well for our relationship. But also like most men, I know little to no good will ever stem from me making such a suggestion, so I opt instead to have it be a conclusion my wife comes to on her own, that I will support.
But its always the same, sober or intoxicated; she starts out crushing on the girl wanting to be around her..insisting the girl meet me and seeing if she finds me attractive..talkkng avout how much fun the experience will be, only to invariably flake out then spend the next few days paranoid im going to reach out to the girl, or that she is going to try to reach out to me.
Just from my perspective, would it be healthier to just shoot down any talks or actions that seem to set up a menage situation, or should I just let her explore her bisexual urges and benefit from them if applicable?
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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I'm not her, so I have no idea.

I have known 2 women who, for lack of a better description, pretended to want a threesome because they knew it was a fantasy for their boyfriend/husband and they had the feeling that expressing clear disinterest would make their partner less attracted to them. Neither of them ever went through with it, unless they did and just never told me. The kind of friendship we have though, I think they would have told me.

I know one woman who did have multiple threesomes with her husband and in the end, the feelings of insecurity and jealousy dominated the situation and ended her relationship.

Sister wife? How could it "work really well for your relationship" when she is so clearly not as open to just having a threesome as you seem to want her to be? That makes no sense.

I'm suspecting that her desire to be with a woman isn't nearly as strong as your desire to see her with one and be able to fuck both of them. I may be wrong, but that's what I'm picking up here.

Some people have that kind of relationship and they stay together for a long, LONG time. I don't think it's very common.
 

Sagittarius84

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I'm not her, so I have no idea.

I have known 2 women who, for lack of a better description, pretended to want a threesome because they knew it was a fantasy for their boyfriend/husband and they had the feeling that expressing clear disinterest would make their partner less attracted to them. Neither of them ever went through with it, unless they did and just never told me. The kind of friendship we have though, I think they would have told me.

I know one woman who did have multiple threesomes with her husband and in the end, the feelings of insecurity and jealousy dominated the situation and ended her relationship.

Sister wife? How could it "work really well for your relationship" when she is so clearly not as open to just having a threesome as you seem to want her to be? That makes no sense.

I'm suspecting that her desire to be with a woman isn't nearly as strong as your desire to see her with one and be able to fuck both of them. I may be wrong, but that's what I'm picking up here.

Some people have that kind of relationship and they stay together for a long, LONG time. I don't think it's very common.
The sister wife thing is more just referring to the social dynamic that tends to work well in our household, in that from the outside looking in one would probably assume she I and the third were some sort of "throuple", I've heard it before. And as far as any desire to see her with another girl, I had never even quantified that as a possible thing that could happen until she started crushing on girls and making sexual advances on them, and Ive still never expressed my desire to see and partake, I've only expressed openness to whatever she wanted to do in inviting another girl. I get all about fantasies, and if this were something that was only brought up during sex, or when she was intoxicated, I'd just brush it off as such, but it persists, to the point she's actually chastised me(admittedly lightly) if i ever express disinterest in a woman she happens to be crushing on. I've even gone as far as giving her an all out hall pass for women before only to find out when she goes out alone she spends her entire time with said girl trying to get her to hang out with us both..
So far the only thing that has prevented the issue from being truly forced is flaky girls that don't show up that night or my wife who flakes out later if the girl shows genuine, non malevolent interest later in meeting up with us both...I feel like at a certain point the opportunity is going to present itself in full and I'll have a no win decision to make; to deny her the opportunity to capitalize upon something now enduring disdain now for predicting what her feelings are going to be later, or indulging in good faith only to have her paranoia and insecurity haunt us after the fact, even with me being faithful.
 

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IMHO it sounds like she doesn't want it that much to begin with, she is just going along with your desires because she knows it's what you want. Maybe she has a modicum of interest, but she clearly doesn't have a strong thirst for the actual experience. Perhaps possessiveness plays a part, fear of losing your primary attention. All I can suggest is communicate, communicate, communicate. And I would not force the issue or pressure her in any way.
 
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I mean, I don't know your wife, but from what you've said... Keep it as fantasy. It's not my thing, so this advice is probably worth exactly what you paid for it... but common sense tells me jealousy is a big red flag. Surely she isn't in the right headspace for this to be a good idea?
 

Sagittarius84

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she is just going along with your desires because she knows it's what you want.
You are not the only one to imply this..
That's the issue, I never brought it up in the 1st place, nor do I bring it up to her...how could she be going along with something I never started...and what is my next move if like a couple times before, i express disinterest and she isn't happy with that?
I feel like she's yearning for the full experience but without facing the possible consequences..like someone stuck on a diving board because they're scared to take the plunge which is ok, unless you plan on repeatedly taking someone on the board whos willing to jump with you.
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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You are not the only one to imply this..
That's the issue, I never brought it up in the 1st place, nor do I bring it up to her...how could she be going along with something I never started...and what is my next move if like a couple times before, i express disinterest and she isn't happy with that?
I feel like she's yearning for the full experience but without facing the possible consequences..like someone stuck on a diving board because they're scared to take the plunge which is ok, unless you plan on repeatedly taking someone on the board whos willing to jump with you.

I don't have any advice for you because I can't in any way related to this woman.

Best of luck to you both.
 

Sagittarius84

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I don't have any advice for you because I can't in any way related to this woman.

Best of luck to you both.
I do have a question for you specifically as you referenced the experience with threesomes logged by lady acquaintances..in the one you said actually went through with it, was the end of the relationship brought forth simply due to her insecurity and jealous feelings or was he doing additional things that righteously warranted suspicion?
 

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I do have a question for you specifically as you referenced the experience with threesomes logged by lady acquaintances..in the one you said actually went through with it, was the end of the relationship brought forth simply due to her insecurity and jealous feelings or was he doing additional things that righteously warranted suspicion?

I don't have those specific details.

She never told me that he started acting/treating her differently and after the negative feelings started happening she didn't talk much about their relationship at all until it was over. Even then she never really specified what actually happened other than that she regretted ever having threesomes with him.

So maybe he did, maybe he didn't. I couldn't tell you for sure one way or the other.
 

Enid

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You are not the only one to imply this..
That's the issue, I never brought it up in the 1st place, nor do I bring it up to her...how could she be going along with something I never started...and what is my next move if like a couple times before, i express disinterest and she isn't happy with that?
I feel like she's yearning for the full experience but without facing the possible consequences..like someone stuck on a diving board because they're scared to take the plunge which is ok, unless you plan on repeatedly taking someone on the board whos willing to jump with you.


Apologies, I did not catch that you never brought up the fantasy to her. I got the impression you are very keen on the idea, so I just assumed you'd implied, either subtly or not-so-subtly, that you were super excited to explore this fantasy with her.

Your next move? What do you mean?

If you express disinterest, isn't that disingenuous? Because I am gathering from your post that you ARE in fact interested in this fantasy. Why don't you just communicate that to her? And seeing as how she seems to feel some amount of insecurity surrounding the topic, seek to avail her fears. Try to create an open and safe environment where she can express it without her fears surfacing. You can't force her, though (as I am sure you are aware). Lots of people have fantasies that they NEVER want to act upon. Maybe she really does not want to take the next step.

But what do I know, I don't really know her, and I am not even sure what you are asking.
 
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deleted924715

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Everyone is different.. but I'm pretty confident answering that none of my friends would be ok with this. I think online it's easy to get the impression that it's more prevalent than it is. It also depends on the type of relationship - someone may be more willing to share a fwb than their spouse. Maybe she just enjoys flirting with the idea, like the people who set up online dating profiles for validation.

I would never agree to it because I feel like with the introduction of a third party, I would be losing something. Maybe that's why she keeps pulling back. But I'm the same with intimate relationship details - I think once you start confiding in others before your partner, problems start. I'm just not a fan of the three person dynamic.
 

Sagittarius84

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But what do I know, I don't really know her, and I am not even sure what you are asking.
In a general sense what would be healthier, either pre assuming she won't be able to deal with a situation she ultimately initiates and making her decision for her(because that typically goes well for men when they try that with their spouses/SOs), or being supportive and transparent in how partake of a situation she initiates..I feel like the only way to avail a fear is for me not to fulfill it after the fact, that if I don't just let the situation occur it'll forever be the question that comes up when she invariably pushes for it to occur again.
My thought is maybe a reputable escort/sex worker? There'll be a degree of separation and professionalism in place to discourage further contact without her involvement, and she knows me to be frugal anyways, so it's not like something I'd ever splurge in on my own.
 

Sagittarius84

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Apologies, I did not catch that you never brought up the fantasy to her. I got the impression you are very keen on the idea, so I just assumed you'd implied, either subtly or not-so-subtly, that you were super excited to explore this fantasy with her.
The situation is more like I'd always assumed it to be the pipe dream of immature boys and men, so while the idea appealed to me, I never thought a sexually/emotionally healthy woman would be okay, much less motivated to offer it up to me...I'd always chalked it up to billionaire heiresses, ladies that wear lingerie and stilletos everyday, and the like, things that would be nice if presented to me but never a necessary trait of a woman I'm with...should I have lied and said I wasn't into it at all to have avoided future questions, or is this just the unavoidable consequence of being honest about a situation you wouldn't turn down?
 
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I'm not your wife, I have zero idea what's behind her thought processes or behaviors. The behavior you describe is completely at odds with how I behave. I much prefer being blunt/brutal honesty, and hate game playing bullshit.

Having said that, my sweetie knows about my kinks and fantasies. He also knows that some specific fantasies are ones I have less than zero desire to ever try to make reality. If he ever tried to make them a reality, we would have a real fucking problem.

Edited to add: That doesn't mean I was evasive or lied when the topic came up, either. I told him about them and that I don't want to actually do the ones that I don't want to do.
 
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Sagittarius84

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Edited to add: That doesn't mean I was evasive or lied when the topic came up, either. I told him about them and that I don't want to actually do the ones that I don't want to do.
I think that's the caveat I'm missing in my situation..I've given every opportunity for her to define what she actually wants to fulfill, versus what she just keeps as a fantasy, and all I get is ambiguity for the now, and a positive outlook for the future.
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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I think that's the caveat I'm missing in my situation..I've given every opportunity for her to define what she actually wants to fulfill, versus what she just keeps as a fantasy, and all I get is ambiguity for the now, and a positive outlook for the future.

Maybe for her just talking about it and fantasizing with you is more than enough to make things interesting.

I'm probably wrong, like I said, I don't think I can relate to her on this. But based on what you're telling us, that's one possibility.
 

Sagittarius84

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Sounds like your dream, not hers
Why, because she brought it up initially, and continuously brings it up with no prompting from me, aggressively or passively? I'm sorry that i may be interested in a dish that keeps getting offered, but it's so much more her fantasy than mine.
 

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It doesn't sound like something the pair of you should pursue together. She's not emotionally prepared, she knows, and she demonstrates this. If it does happen, your relationship is guaranteed to implode. It's doable, but not with her. She doesn't trust you enough. She doesn't believe in herself enough. I'd just let it go and be honest with her about why. I'd just tell her flatly that you don't want her to keep bringing this up, that it's a let-down for you, and that your relationship isn't strong enough for the strain of a third party, a thing you know because she always freaks out and mistrusts you.
 

Sagittarius84

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It doesn't sound like something the pair of you should pursue together. She's not emotionally prepared, she knows, and she demonstrates this. If it does happen, your relationship is guaranteed to implode. It's doable, but not with her. She doesn't trust you enough. She doesn't believe in herself enough. I'd just let it go and be honest with her about why. I'd just tell her flatly that you don't want her to keep bringing this up, that it's a let-down for you, and that your relationship isn't strong enough for the strain of a third party, a thing you know because she always freaks out and mistrusts you.
I think Ive had a version of the above conversation with her, at least from my end it seemed that way, but in retrospect it probably came off as more of a challenge to meet. That wasn't my intention, but perhaps that's the message she got.
So I ask though; because I am self reflective enough to want something and deny myself it because it isn't something that I need or is good for me, should I count on her being able to compartmentalize as much as I? Because for all the reasons I tell her why it wouldn't be a good idea for us to even try to add a third, i see the same scenario that plays out in the other, non sexual aspects of our lives, where she basically will ignore the practical reasons I deny myself things if she knows I really like them and she can provide them for me..I try to be honest with her in terms of our relationship, but from the advice given it seems like I'd be better served to be a bit facetious.