thrown to the curb

joaocam

Experimental Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2006
Posts
41
Media
0
Likes
20
Points
228
Location
East Coast
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Two weeks ago, I met someone that came into my life like a tornado. Very fast and furious, professing strong feelings towards me. There were tears of love from him as he told me how he felt.
I had not been with anyone in 8 years, after a long relationship ended. I was swept away, bringing up in myself feelings that I have not felt in a long time. My head was swimming. You know how it feels when a new relationship begins.
So one night we were having a candlelight dinner. The next night I went over there and he was a different person. No emotions, no feelings towards me, nothing. He said he could not be anything but a friend to me. I was numb. My feelings were still racing.
How can someone change so fast? I don't get it. I, of course am hurt, but have forgiven him and am moving on.
People should not treat another human like this. Most of us are very fragile when it comes to our hearts.
This makes me want to hide for another 8 years or longer, even though I feel like I have so much love that I would like to share with someone. I'm not a spring chicken, and don't want to spend my life alone, but shit like this scares me away from ever trying again.
What do I do?
 

kiltiesf

Experimental Member
Joined
May 31, 2008
Posts
84
Media
0
Likes
22
Points
93
Location
Northern CA
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Joaocam,

I've experienced something like that myself, only to have the guy tell me that he's "not emotionally available" - WTF?? Who was I dating Cybil - someone with multiple personalities? My emotions are not like a light switch, can be turned on and off at whim.

Try not to let this experience prevent you from opening yourself up to dating someone else, as not all gay men are jerks. Think of the experience as a blessing, in that you hadn't committed a long period of your time, money, and emotional commitment to this guy, but at least you got yourself back into the dating pool after an 8 year sabitcal. Good for you! Now that you've given yourself time to mourn (a brief period), get back out there and go get'em, Tiger!
 

Silvertip

Worshipped Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Aug 22, 2007
Posts
7,419
Media
473
Likes
15,079
Points
468
Location
Alamosa (Colorado, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
Unsure
Gender
Male
Over the years I've had relationships come and go, and it's always a struggle when they end, but I've never experienced such an extreme about face as you describe. Chalk it up as a fluke (and him as a flake) and try again with the next promising prospect. The gaining of anything worth having always involves some risk but in my experience the potential benefit is always worth that risk. Good luck.
 

joaocam

Experimental Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2006
Posts
41
Media
0
Likes
20
Points
228
Location
East Coast
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
thanks fla boy, Silvertip, and Kiltie: It was great to hear you encouragement. Actually, this evening I got an email from him. Not sure why he won't let it go. I sent and long letter back and vented, but in a nice way. Just stating the facts as I saw them.
You guys are the best and thanks so much.
Joao
 

jazzbass

Just Browsing
Joined
Apr 13, 2013
Posts
9
Media
0
Likes
0
Points
36
Gender
Male
Sounds like he has some underlying issues that he doesn't want to face up to and be honest with you about.
It is awful to have your heart played with like that.
I do hope at least he will be willing to share the truth about what is going on with him..
I would ask for his open honesty and offer no repercussions to him for telling you the truth....that you can only learn and grow from it
 

Stephenmass

Legendary Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2008
Posts
2,589
Media
2
Likes
2,254
Points
333
Location
Boston
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
To play the devils advocate here, not meanly meant and perhaps totally off base. It is possible you moved too swiftly and scared him off. He was enjoying it as you went along and then you got too serious too quick and it made him uneasy. That is not to blame you whatsoever btw, but perhaps if you tell him you would like to continue to see him but slowing down the "pace" may make him more comfortable. He is not ready to commit yet as you want him to. I don't hold that against him; at least he is being honest.
 

helgaleena

Sexy Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2006
Posts
5,475
Media
7
Likes
43
Points
193
Location
Wisconsin USA
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Female
I am so glad that lines of communication are still open between you. Take it slow though. He's putting on a chilly act out of fear of something. It may be something he can't overcome; it's a battle with his own mind and circumstances. Try to remain honest and friendly and maybe he'll get through it after all, but be prepared to let him remain a friend.

If you have been alone for a bit it's good to have friends too!
 

joaocam

Experimental Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2006
Posts
41
Media
0
Likes
20
Points
228
Location
East Coast
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
To play the devils advocate here, not meanly meant and perhaps totally off base. It is possible you moved too swiftly and scared him off. He was enjoying it as you went along and then you got too serious too quick and it made him uneasy. That is not to blame you whatsoever btw, but perhaps if you tell him you would like to continue to see him but slowing down the "pace" may make him more comfortable. He is not ready to commit yet as you want him to. I don't hold that against him; at least he is being honest.
Stephen, I was the one asking him to slow down. I didn't want to rush into this at all. Like I said, he was a tornado, roaring through. The first day after I met him, I had 30 emails from him. I was so overwhelmed. Glad you brought it up though. Trying to see it from all sides. Nice to talk about it here. Thanks guys. Still licking my wounds. Like that will do any good!
 

crescendo69

Expert Member
Joined
Aug 27, 2006
Posts
7,786
Media
0
Likes
161
Points
283
Age
70
Location
Knoxville (Tennessee, United States)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Even in romance, some people enjoy the "hunt" and get over-enthusiastic in their pursuit, only to later discover they are not as interested in continuing the relationship as they first thought they were. In my late twenties, I had a younger man pursue me, stating on our first meeting that he was in love with me and wanted to move in. Being more cautious than he, I took several weeks to comply in agreement. By then, he had changed his mind, but we continued seeing each other. Within a couple months, he was going to spend winter break from college with his folks, and he suggested we allow ourselves freedom to date others during this time, as we were both "young and hot". To make a long story short, the relationship degenerated from there to arguments and jealous actions.

I am now very leery of big romantic overtures when first dating; they are often insincere. People, especially young ones, need to learn to slow down and get to know each other before professing their undying love. The trick, of course, is in the timing, i.e., reaching a mutual decision in moving on with each step of the relationship.
 

nolbaby

Loved Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Dec 20, 2008
Posts
346
Media
8
Likes
530
Points
423
Location
united states
Verification
View
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
i had a job interview last week. i already know somebody at the company, i got phone calls from the recruiter that were very punctual and excited and really made me feel like they wanted me, and i thought the interview went amazingly well. i would have bet 6 month's pay that i was gonna get the job for sure. the recruiter was almost a friend by the time we were done with the interview. then i get an email wishing me best of luck on my job search. loyalty is an extremely variable characteristic in different people. it really sucks that people don't have the same care for emotional investments as one another, because it means that people who invest more than others stand to be hurt more than others. when people invest with money involved, they all care on the same level for the most part. if being in a relationship required a weekly or monthly payment from both parties, there would be a lot less hearts broken because the people who are going to just dump somebody on the spot wouldn't go through the weeks of dating them first.
 

molotovmuffin

Experimental Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2009
Posts
7,449
Media
0
Likes
9
Points
183
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
Stephen, I was the one asking him to slow down. I didn't want to rush into this at all. Like I said, he was a tornado, roaring through. The first day after I met him, I had 30 emails from him. I was so overwhelmed. Glad you brought it up though. Trying to see it from all sides. Nice to talk about it here. Thanks guys. Still licking my wounds. Like that will do any good!

I dated a guy like this before, he has boarder line personality disorder. It's a bitch to live with, I'd move on and forget him. Do not keep the lines of communication open either, you're just going to make it worse on yourself.

That's just my opinion though.
 

Adrian69702006

Legendary Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 22, 2007
Posts
2,761
Media
69
Likes
2,224
Points
433
Location
Lincoln (Lincolnshire, England)
Verification
View
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
Joaocam,

I was sorry to hear your story and the all too understandable disappointment. No doubt you're still reeling from the experience and probably feel used. It's very true that the older we get the less we need knockbacks from people. You don't really tell us whether there was much of an age gap between yourself and the guy in question. Maybe he acted in good faith when the relationship started but then went on to have doubts. It's difficult to be sure though. I think the important thing is to stay calm and keep the channels of communication open. Don't rush into another relationship whilst you're still hurting from what's happened. Let the dust settle and take time to reflect on what you really want from life, including the relationship side of things. I'm sure you already have a wide circle of friends - hang on to them and enjoy the social opportunities which come your way without getting too intense about your relationships. Take care and good luck. If you want to chat, please don't hesitate to get in touch.
 

theplayerking

Legendary Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2013
Posts
735
Media
0
Likes
1,169
Points
188
Location
New York City
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
I had a friend like this. The best I can say about him is that he's not malicious but tends to get caught up in the moment and say things he doesn’t really mean. However, he never learns his lesson and I also know a group of men who loathe and despise him for leading them on.

To compound the problem, he is a model, extremely handsome, has an enormous cock, but tends to go after men far less attractive than he is. They initially feel like they’ve won the lottery by having such a hot guy passionately pursue them only to be humiliated a couple weeks later when it suddenly stops.

He’ll never change and I’ve stopped being his friend. Fortunately most guys are not like that.

It’s best to cut your losses and move on.