1. thelastoneever2000

    thelastoneever2000 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    0
    i still dont know what to do about this. how to talk about it or bring it up. but recently my girlfriend of almost 3 years told me that she wants time apart. i know i dont post around here much atall, but i know i can trust you guys when it comes to this kind of situation.

    i was in vacation in europe and one day she just imed me and told me that we needed to talk about "us" when we got back. I knew what she was going to say so i just told her to tell me now instead of keeping me waiting. I was really hoping to get back and have a good last of summer with her, but that seems to be out of the question now.

    we go to separate schools, which at first was kind of tough, but i grew to enjoy it. My visits to her were the highlights of my college experience thus far, and so this is just one of the many reasons im really depressed. Its hard to maintain a long distance relationship, but i felt like it made me a better person to be able to commit to her. I gladly turned down other, immature girls, for what i think was the right thing. my girlfriend on the other hand, sometimes had problems telling guys "No", which caused some problems with her guy friends who think that because she doesnt say no she wants them to make advances on her. it was very tough for me to have to deal with all of these men, and i felt like things would have been easier if she would have just told them to go away.

    anyways, back to present day:

    she told me that she wants time to date other guys before she commits to me for the long run. at first I really freaked out about this, but i began to see it from her perspective. she says to me that she doesnt want another relationship, she just wants to be able to not have to worry about what shes doing for a bit. she has trouble understanding why i am so against this. and this is my take on it:

    basically, i have been showering her with love and affection for the past 3 years. I am normally a modest man, but when i say she will never find someone like me, i mean it. especially not a typical college frat boy, which she hangs out with a lot. I got to see her a couple weeks a semester during the school year. they were the best days of my whole year, as i already mentioned. but i thought i was doing good job letting her do what she wanted. i let her go out and party...everything. im not one to force her to stay in all night...i want her to do what it takes to be happy. the way i see it is that now that shes single again...she will have guys going head over heal to get a piece of her. she is amazingly beautiful and guys know that she has trouble turning people down, so they will all get instant access to a girl that ive been basically waiting to have for the past 3 years. i have her love, but i dream about being able to sleep in the same bed as her on our own...and just be together.

    she tells me im being paranoid...she says that i am her "best friend" now, and she also tells me that she wont ever call me her ex-boyfriend. she tells me that its a temporary thing. i can see it very clearly from her point of view, but something about me is so stubborn to let go of this girl that i have been waiting to experience fully.

    but this is my true dilemma! im afraid that the only way that shell actually want to come back to me is if someone does something terrible to her...or is an ass. most of her friends are complete douche bags, and part of me wants he to date them and then shell realise how good she had it. it feels so terrible for me to have to wish that upon her. but the chances of this actually happening are small! she has immediate relationship there. something physical; when we were together she had to wait a long time to feel a love filled kiss. im not worried that she will find an actual partner worthy of a relationship in college either though...as i mentioned, she hangs out with the AZN gangsta guys at school, who are cool just to chill with, but are not interested in a real relationship. also, i know she wont be sleeping around with guys. she didnt want to have sex this summer because she was worried about pregnancy and what not...it seems a bit strange to me, but after how many close calls we have had, i cant blame her. i told her i would wait as long as she wanted. when she tells me shes not interested in the sex, i can at the very least tell that part is genuine.



    bottom line: she tells me im the most important man in her life and will be. she tells me that she does and will love me. she even is keeping a picture of me in her wallet...its something!

    so am i doomed? did i waste 3 years (well really only the last one was at college, so the first 2 were ggreat)? will she come back?
     
  2. Femme

    Femme New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2005
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    0
    How strange it is, that I am a girl in almost the same situation. I broke up w/ a boyfriend of almost 3 years about a year ago.

    And how strange it is, that I just spent 30 minutes lying in my bed thinking of what it was like to lie in his arms after sex.

    You're right, she will never find anyone like you. I will never find anyone like him.

    Maybe I sound crazy but - didn't your bodies just feel perfect together? Ours did.

    I don't know what to tell you...and I don't know what to do myself..
     
  3. Knight

    Knight New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2005
    Messages:
    892
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sheffield, England
    Hmm well time apart might not mean a break up? Just...time apart? See how things go, its good to be on your own for a while, get some sanity back. Girls can be real headfucks sometimes.

    Don't look at it negatively (we won't be together, she might find someone else, three years were wasted). Start to think 'This is time to really find what I want, the time apart will teach us both what we mean to each other and make it that much better when we get back together. Even if we dont get back together again, I had a great time with her, and I learned a little to help me in the next relationship, which can only be better'

    Anyway, that's about all you can do. After a while of not speaking to her, you will start to miss her less and be able to make yourself happy. I broke up with psycho girl a few weeks ago and I'm so much happier on my own. I told her that, and it felt great. She said she wasnt happy on her own, but thats cos she needs someone to feed off of...

    Chin up, think positive ;)

    No use ruminating over something you can't change, start making changes for the better.
     
  4. Dr Rock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2005
    Messages:
    3,696
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    waaah waaah. like everyone else can't say the same thing. did you ever think that the whole reason is that she doesn't WANT someone like you? deal with it and move on, you've already wasted 3 years of sexual opportunities on one person.
     
  5. thelastoneever2000

    thelastoneever2000 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    0
    knight thats a good way to think about it. lots of things have happened between us since the boards have been down that have made me feel better about this. she has definatley not shut me off and she doesnt seem to be going in that direction at all. i dunno, but i feel much better about it. i am confident that well get back together. the only problem is that the first semester was when our anniversary is, our birthdays are, and halloween is! i wanted to visit her on all those dates! oh well, well see what happens.


    and doctor rock...i dont consider the past 3 years a waste. they have been without a doubt, fantastic. your pesimistic and fatalistic attitude arent going to make me feel better or give me any more confidence. the bottom line is that i still love her and im not ready to call it quits yet.
     
  6. Njal

    Njal New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2005
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    I'd have to agree with dr. rock. It might not make you feel better or give you more confidence but it seems true nonetheless. You said yourself that somethings she has a hard time saying no. Has it ever occured to you that she might have a hard time saying no to you? The whole not wanting to have sex for fear of getting pregnant sounds like an excuse. A lame excuse at that if you've had sex before. (Although you didn't say so explicitly, I got that impression) I'm guessing she just can't muster up enough courage to move on.
    Also you say that most of her friends are douche bags. While you may think they are the scum of the earth, these people are her friends. That means she likes them. So obviously, she doesn't share your opinion of them, does she? You may be the kindest, most affectionate guy in the world, but maybe you're just not her type anymore. At the very least, she wants to explore. I hate to say this, but I very much doubt she's coming back. Just my $0.02, even if that's probably not what you wanted to hear.
     
  7. Alley Blue

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,238
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    wow :cry: .......now thats heavy
     
  8. Latinoboy9

    Latinoboy9 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2005
    Messages:
    762
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    82
    Location:
    CT
    Those damm girls! They just don't know when they got a good thing! Jose'Latinoboy9
     
  9. Alley Blue

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,238
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    You should really listen to Knight, he's made a few posts in the past about this sort of situation.

    As he mentioned, once all communication with her has been stopped, you'd be surprised to find that you'll think less and less about her. What ever time and energy you had put in that relationship can now be put elsewhere ( i.e. finding new friends, etc....). Its obvious that the relationship is dead to her, so its a waste of your time trying to think of ways to bring it back to life. The healthiest way to handle this is simply cutting your losses and moving on.
     
  10. Dr Rock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2005
    Messages:
    3,696
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    all righty then. so what's the problem?

    actually, that looks more like the smudge partway through the last paragraph. the bottom line is that she's decided she wants to move on, therefore whether you're "ready" to or not is pretty irrelevant. that's why it's better to get on with your life rather than worrying about something over which you have no control. look at it this way: if the last three years have been fantastic, there's nothing to regret.
     
  11. thelastoneever2000

    thelastoneever2000 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    0
    i appreciate all of your responses. and i must say that it is unfortunate that the boards were down for so long after i posted this message. i posted it while i was desperate and very depressed, and during the down time i sorted out a lot.


    most of you who are saying that its essentially hopeless may be right. i am young and many of you have more experience than i do in this sort of field. perhaps im just being stubborn about all of this. i realize i am truely helpless as to what her true feelings are so i have no choice but to ride it out. Ive come to accept this and i guess ill just have to let you know what happens. thank you all for your advice though. it will be a life experience for me no matter what happens.
     
  12. Shamrock

    Shamrock New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    83
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1

    Okay man I am going to totally set you straight.

    I was almost in your exact situation with my first serious girlfriend.

    1. Had problems telling guys that she had a boyfriend and to back off.
    2. Hung out with sleazy losers.
    3. Never made me feel she was as comitted to me as I was to her.

    Problem: Low self esteem.

    She doesn't see herself as very attractive and its an ego boost when guys try to
    hit on her. I can understand this but its also very fucking selfish behavior,
    especially if you don't do it. My advice it drop her now before you get really hurt
    and it fucks your trust in women (which my ex ALMOST did to me).
    Fortunately Im with a great girl now who has very defined boundaries and doesn't
    make me feel as though I have let guys know she's my girl when they try to hit
    on her. She lets them know, and thats called respect and consideration and basically real love.

    No offence, but this girl is fucking you around, keeping you on the side for when
    she feels lonely and doesn't have a fuck buddy. Soon as someone she thinks is
    better or hotter comes alone, BOOM! You'll be on the bench.
    Don't be her "emergency" boyfriend, go get yourself a nice girl who isn't tarting
    herself around and only wants you.

    Good luck to you.
     
  13. Pene_Negro_Grande

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2004
    Messages:
    1,100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Right Next To You
    Very touchy situation here...thelastoneever2000 - you have every right to feel the way you do...But you said a very true statement about you being young and this is part of life...I do believe though if it is meant to be then it will be...Take this time yourself and make sure she is what you really want yourself...Even though you think she is the one for you, take this opportunity and prove that...Get out and enjoy being young and taking advantage of the college experience...Give her a call once a week like a friend would and not every day or every other day like a boyfriend would...Maybe if she realizes what she could be losing she might quickly decide what she wants...I am sorry but it sounds a bit like she is keeping you on the back burner just in case her exploration doesn't work out like she thinks...It is possible that she could find a guy that reminds her of you and fall into that trap of thinking she met someone else like you...I really hate sounding negative but I want you to be best prepared for anything...Hope everything works out for the best...Take care...
     
  14. Pappy

    Pappy Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2004
    Messages:
    2,416
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Outta Here
    thelastoneever2000, if she wants time apart then by all means give it to her, it's her loss, BUTdon't put your life on hold. Get on with your life and see other people and if you find someone then, then her loss will be permanent. If you have been together for 3 years and she doesn't know what she wants by now then you are wasting your time with her. You may truly love her, but it doesn't sound like it's reciprocal. If it's not then move on.
     
  15. thelastoneever2000

    thelastoneever2000 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    0
    shamrock, pene, and pappy, you all have given me good responses. she seems to be attatched to me still, as in she still gets physical with me when im around her, but it doesnt feel the same to me anymore, and to tell you the truth, i think im ready to move on as well. the feeling of needing to hold on has receded and now the main thing i am annoyed by about all of this, is the fact that i am not going to be able to go to her college and hang out with that group anymore...which is a shame because i had some of the best times down there. mentally i am prepared to move on.
     
  16. SurferGirlCA

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2004
    Messages:
    1,175
    Likes Received:
    147
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Los Angeles (CA, US)
    It sounds as if you've made it through a rough patch and maybe you're transitioning to something else. Relationships are tough not only because they require work and both people have to be ready/able to make the effort, but also because we can't control what the other person says or does or feels. I think we all spend soooooooooo much time trying to get inside someone else's head and figure out why they did or didn't do something and it's really a futile effort. You just have to take care of yourself now. Good luck and hang in there! :hug:
     
Draft saved Draft deleted