I think this is the third thread I've made where I take a giant emotional shit onto the forum. So, you've seen the sexuality troubles, whats next? Well, I suck at life. Broadly speaking: I'm not very good looking. At all. I have no taste in clothes. I'm incredibly uniteresting for the majority of people. I don't like getting drunk. I don't like parties. I don't like large groups of people. The problem with this is that I don't meet new people usually, and when I do, I am just crap at conversation with them, because after the weather and recent news, there isn't an awful lot left to talk about. I'm a Computing Student, a programmer, my main intersts revolve around computers, and it seems that the majority of people who aren't blokes exactly like me. I'm sort of stabbing in the dark here, but it's because it's whirrling around in my mind and I don't know what to think yet, but basically, I feel like my life is slipping away all the time, and I've never had even one significant relationship with anyone. I've barely had close friends - I know people, i have friends, but not close ones. This fact came crashing into my life last year when a psychologist asked me - have I ever had any close friends, my mouth moved to say yes, but my memory couldnt find any... he read the look on my face and i didnt have to answer the question, but in my mind if sort of echoed around and has been ever since. I've never had close friends, I've never had a relationship, I've never had a girlfriend, I've never had intimate relations with anyone. And my life seems to be slipping away. I'm living with some other students, going into second year at Uni, I'm now 19 years old, and not getting any younger, and I have mde virtually 0 social progress in the past 5 years. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, which is very worrying because that means I'll be dead by the time I'm 38! I suppose the basic issue is, that my whole being is crying out for intimacy, I don't just mean sex, I mean that I want a relationship, infact I want a few relationships, I want to have both a girlfriend and a boyfriend, and finally settle it in my mind as to which way I go, because I don't think that'll ever be solidified until I've sampled both. It's more than that, I want somebody to speak to, to confide it, I want a close relationship, I want someone to be my best friend and my lover - Damnit I want love! But I don't feel love. I get stupid little crushes on people, and I try to speak to them, and we talk a bit, but I don't get anywhere - nobody sees me that way, and I just cant find the conversation topics to make them interested... because it's more than just being attracted to someone, I can see that, its when the attraction acts as a catalyst, and then they speak, and they find common ground and there is physcial and mental attraction, I've observed people fall for each other and go out, and I've tried to get to that stage, but I can't. I can't because I am a social dodo - I don't drink, I don't go out, I don't meet people, and when I do meet people, I don't have the right catalogue of interests, or perhaps, none of them have the right catalogue of interests for me... My hobbey, my love, is with computers, an area dominated by (mainly) pretty unattractive guys in small rooms who don't wash enough, and a lot of whom have given up... I don't want to give up. I don't want to be a computer geek who fucks other computer geeks who have also given up, people who have lost hope of having an actual relationship and so become fuck buddies. I'd rather be an eternal virgin than sacrifice my standards, my morals, my world view for sex.