Time for a SomeGuy Moan Again.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SomeGuyOverThere, Aug 31, 2006.

  1. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I think this is the third thread I've made where I take a giant emotional shit onto the forum.

    So, you've seen the sexuality troubles, whats next? Well, I suck at life.

    Broadly speaking:
    • I'm not very good looking. At all.
    • I have no taste in clothes.
    • I'm incredibly uniteresting for the majority of people.
    • I don't like getting drunk.
    • I don't like parties.
    • I don't like large groups of people.
    The problem with this is that I don't meet new people usually, and when I do, I am just crap at conversation with them, because after the weather and recent news, there isn't an awful lot left to talk about.

    I'm a Computing Student, a programmer, my main intersts revolve around computers, and it seems that the majority of people who aren't blokes exactly like me.

    I'm sort of stabbing in the dark here, but it's because it's whirrling around in my mind and I don't know what to think yet, but basically, I feel like my life is slipping away all the time, and I've never had even one significant relationship with anyone. I've barely had close friends - I know people, i have friends, but not close ones. This fact came crashing into my life last year when a psychologist asked me - have I ever had any close friends, my mouth moved to say yes, but my memory couldnt find any... he read the look on my face and i didnt have to answer the question, but in my mind if sort of echoed around and has been ever since.

    I've never had close friends, I've never had a relationship, I've never had a girlfriend, I've never had intimate relations with anyone.

    And my life seems to be slipping away.

    I'm living with some other students, going into second year at Uni, I'm now 19 years old, and not getting any younger, and I have mde virtually 0 social progress in the past 5 years.

    I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, which is very worrying because that means I'll be dead by the time I'm 38!

    I suppose the basic issue is, that my whole being is crying out for intimacy, I don't just mean sex, I mean that I want a relationship, infact I want a few relationships, I want to have both a girlfriend and a boyfriend, and finally settle it in my mind as to which way I go, because I don't think that'll ever be solidified until I've sampled both.


    It's more than that, I want somebody to speak to, to confide it, I want a close relationship, I want someone to be my best friend and my lover - Damnit I want love!

    But I don't feel love. I get stupid little crushes on people, and I try to speak to them, and we talk a bit, but I don't get anywhere - nobody sees me that way, and I just cant find the conversation topics to make them interested... because it's more than just being attracted to someone, I can see that, its when the attraction acts as a catalyst, and then they speak, and they find common ground and there is physcial and mental attraction, I've observed people fall for each other and go out, and I've tried to get to that stage, but I can't.

    I can't because I am a social dodo - I don't drink, I don't go out, I don't meet people, and when I do meet people, I don't have the right catalogue of interests, or perhaps, none of them have the right catalogue of interests for me...

    My hobbey, my love, is with computers, an area dominated by (mainly) pretty unattractive guys in small rooms who don't wash enough, and a lot of whom have given up...

    I don't want to give up.

    I don't want to be a computer geek who fucks other computer geeks who have also given up, people who have lost hope of having an actual relationship and so become fuck buddies.

    I'd rather be an eternal virgin than sacrifice my standards, my morals, my world view for sex.
     
  2. fortiesfun

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    Wow. That is a lot of stuff. Hope it helped to have a place to say it.

    Now, my very short reply: At 19 your life is far from passing you by. This is not a mid-life crisis. (I know. I'm fifty. I've had one of those, too.) This is an absolutely typical start-of-life crisis. You are still sorting out your sexuality. (I'm a bi-guy also, so I am symapthetic that can take some time to understand and deal with.) You are concentrating on school. You are introverted. I hate to say it, but you are pretty typical for your age group and situation. I'm a college prof and I'd estimate that 75% of young men in your age group feel pretty much like you do right now.

    Things will work out, but you need to put some of your nerdiness to work on your behalf. Computer geeks are young men who can research, plan, and follow-up. Put some of that to work on life problems instead of computer problems and solutions emerge.

    And one other thing: The way to break through social barriers is to get interested in other people's interests, rather than demand that they come to you. The oldest advice in the world is to ask people about themselves, since that is everyone's chief interest in life.

    Wish you the best. Keep us posted on how things progress.
     
  3. Gillette

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    Fortiesfun is right. Much of what you are going through is normal for your age. He is also right on the money about how to get develop a rapport with others by asking them about themselves and what they think.

    One of the things you mentioned was not having taste in clothes. Do you have any female aquaintances who you consider to have good dress sense? If so and you are comfortable asking, tell her that you like how she looks and request that she help you refine a look for yourself. If she agrees to help this will give you an opportunity to have more one on one conversations with her and you will get to know each other better.

    If you aren't comfortable with that, send me a PM and we'll talk. I've been doing male makeovers for friends for ages.
     
  4. yhtang

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    fortiesfun, this is very good advice. As always, You Rock !
     
  5. CUBE

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    excellent advice above...

    Change up your life if it is to routine. Hard to know about the physical stuff but I bet your doing better there you let on.
     
  6. jfrsndvs

    jfrsndvs Member

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    all the advice here is right on the money, for piss sakes, you are only 19, far from being mid life, you got a long long life ahead of you, make the best you can of it, find some other interests other than just computers, I love computers a lot, but there are some other interests I have too, I am sure that if you dig down enough, you will find that you have some other interests too.

    you call yourself ugly, and out of style, why don't you post a pic of yourself here, and we can give you pointers to get you a good new start, maybe a new hair style, or if you wear glasses, try some contacts, or whatever, there are some people here that would give you good advice on what else you can change to make yourself more appealing to others.

    as another poster said, find a female friend who is up on the latest fashion, and see if she will help you pick out some new clothes, you are so young with so much potential, don't waste it on feeling sorry for yourself, you just need to rearrange a few things in your life. give yourself a chance, give us a chance to help your out.

    and you too can send me a pm if you need some further advice, feel free to email me anytime you want.
     
  7. jdcnow

    jdcnow New Member

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    If Tobey Maguire can go from nerdy Peter Parker to beautiful SpiderMan, there's still hope for you.

    All the advice I have seen thus far is very sage, and you would do well to take said advice.

    Always remember: A 1,000-mile journey begins with a single step.

    Yeah, I know it's cliche', but there is more truth to that statement than you will ever know. You wanna know how I know that:

    I am currently saving up for a new-to-me used vehicle (Thank goodness my job is within walking distance of my home). My goal is about $2,500 to $3k. And I'm having to save up on a dollar-store's salary. That's (give or take) between $60 and $150 per week. Make no mistake: I love my job in retail, but at roughly $100 per week, how long do you think it's going to take me to get to $3,000?

    Granted the road of life is hard. You put your hands in our hands, here at LPSG. Let's walk this road together.:smile:
     
  8. jdcnow

    jdcnow New Member

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    If Tobey Maguire can go from nerdy Peter Parker to beautiful SpiderMan, there's still hope for you.

    All the advice I have seen thus far is very sage, and you would do well to take said advice.

    Always remember: A 1,000-mile journey begins with a single step.

    Yeah, I know it's cliche', but there is more truth to that statement than you will ever know. You wanna know how I know that:

    I am currently saving up for a new-to-me used vehicle (Thank goodness my job is within walking distance of my home). My goal is about $2,500 to $3k. And I'm having to save up on a dollar-store's salary. That's (give or take) between $60 and $150 per week. Make no mistake: I love my job in retail, but at roughly $100 per week, how long do you think it's going to take me to get to $3,000?

    Granted the road of life is hard. You put your hands in our hands, here at LPSG. Let's walk this road together.:smile:
     
  9. Mr. Snakey

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    This is your perception of how you look and how you act Stop acting like that! It shows when a person has low self esteem. If you walk with your head down nobody will want you Remember god dont make shit!! Love yourself first then mabye someone else will Good luck:smile:
     
  10. D_Adoniah Sheervolume

    D_Adoniah Sheervolume Account Disabled

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    sure, trying new things feels strange, but the only way to make changes in one's life is to just DO them. you'll feel like you're faking it, but after awhile it will start to come naturally and one day you'll ask yourself what all the fuss was over.

    when i was in my teens and early 20s i did a lot of that, and even in my 40s have to on occasion. just don't expect perfection first (or second, or third) time out, and try to learn something from each attempt/experience!
     
  11. davidjh7

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    I wish I had had the wisdom and foresight to have said something as eloquent and with as much truth and wisdom as this. This has to be some of the BEST advice I have seen posted in quite awhile, definately worth taking! Kudos, 40's :smile:
     
  12. jfrsndvs

    jfrsndvs Member

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    you are actually saving back for that new used vehicle, and not taking out a debt for it, that is great in my opinioin, sure it may take a while, but it will be well worth it in the long run, I personally don't believe in dedt, there is a old saying "Borrower is Slave to the Lender", ain't no way in hell am I going to be a slave to some bank, also when you get that vehicle that you saved back for, you will have a lot of pride in, and you will appriciate that car so much more.

    as for your low paying dollar store job goes, you can take your experience in retail and take it somewhere else and nogociate higher pay, or try to find something else that pays more, basically retail is sales, you might try to find a sales job in some other field that pays a commision.
     
  13. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Thanks for all the positive replies... I'm sorry to dump such a personal and emotional topic on the folks here, but it was like a storm brewing in my head and I had to let it out somewhere... and to be hounest, LPSG has been the best place for that.

    I feel really stupid whenever I make a "typical for my age" type rant, like I should have seen it was and avoided it, but it does atleast put my problems into context.
     
  14. Matthew

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    Great comments so far. People should remember threads like these when they say LPSG isn't a real support group.

    SomeGuy, others have pointed out that you are putting too much pressure on yourself when it comes to your age as well as your potential attractiveness as a friend and partner. Everyone who reads your posts knows that you are intelligent and interesting and that you would make a great friend - seriously. And many people choose partners not by how they fit a physical/aesthetic ideal, but by the intimacy they can develop with them based on shared affection and interests. You will find a partner when the right situation presents itself. I can understand your need to have close friendships as even more pressing and troublesome.

    I really agree with the advice given you to diversify your interests and develop your curiosity about the interests of others. In addition to making you a more well-rounded person who is more likely to connect with potential friends and partners, new interests will increase the situations in which you encounter more people who you might hang out with.

    I wonder if you're selling short some of your fellow computer folks. Surely you can't be the only cool or sexy person among that crowd. I wonder if your dismissal of them is tied to your other (false) notion that you have 'too many flaws' to interest others. Maybe there are at least a couple who could prove interesting buddies and even lead to other connections.

    Doc's comment about introversion was right on. I am also introverted. It can easily make you far too self-conscious. Confidence comes with practice, but it also comes with a decision that you are actually fine and that beating yourself up for awkwardness won't help. You don't need to be an alpha male, fabulously gorgeous or a glib talker to attract people. Some of us like and look for the wallflowers. As you demonstrate, that's where some of the best prizes are hidden.

    PS: Have you accepted Gillette's offer for a "makeover" yet? I would. :wink:
     
  15. davidjh7

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    I'm glad you feel comfortable enough, and like us enough to share with us the things that are bothering you. We like you here, and I'm glad you;re here :smile:
     
  16. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    I'm way older than you, but you always seem cool to me. I like the ditty in your signature. If it didn't involve circumpolar navigation, agism, sexism, ismism, and all, I'd hang out with you.

    I share your assessment of superficial relationships, but dang, it's real hard to get to know most people. How many people even know themselves so they can show a personality to others? You get past the weather and you're not on common ground. I agree with fortiesfun--ask them about themselves and they'll go all day, but may not be much more interesting than the weather. Oh, well. At least you chose a topic they were informed about.

    If you have one or two good friends at a time, that is a lot. Friends do come and go. That will keep you occupied you for the rest of your life.

    Cheers!
     
  17. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I appreciate the responses - it had been something that had been given consideration in my mind that the best way to communicate is to ask people about themselves.

    I realised how selfish I can be in conversation at times: I have a tendency to dominate the discussion and be the person who is talking all the time and stearing where the conversation goes. But, yesterday I was out with some old school friends, and when I actually shut the hell up and listened, I really hit off well with an old friend who i hadn't really known as well before, and we talked solidly for about an hour and a half about classical music which we didnt even realise we both like.

    I also realised that I get on a lot better with people quite a bit older than me than folks my own age. I had a very long and interesting discussion about climate change and human nature with somebody atleast 10 years my senior, perhaps this is a 'problem' in terms of finding relationships.... but I wouldnt have it any other way, I really prefer the deep discussions about everything to what a lot of folks my age seem to talk about "Yeah, i was so drunk on Saturday night..."

    I think there are a few things I have to change about myself, that arent major to my personality but more my conduct... starting with listening to other people speak more.
     
  18. JustAsking

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    SomeGuy,

    The advice in this thread has been excellent. Pay attention to the college prof who said that he thinks 75% of the freshman feel the same sense of isolation as you do. Although you are a unique individual, and although your feelings are very real, problems like you are having are extremely common at age 19. The commonness of them doesn't mean they are trivial or not painful. It just means that you are not a freak or anything.

    Actually, this "listening" thing is the first thing you can do and it is amazingly powerful at helping create an intimate relationship. Consider that everyone else craves some level of intimacy and for people to understand them, too. By asking people questions about themselves and listening intently, you can end up in a 3 hour conversation with someone where you have hardly done anything but ask questions. At the end of the conversation, the other person will think it was the best conversation that they have had in a long time.

    Suppose you are with someone in a one on one situation where there is a chance at starting a relationship. Assuming this person is also a college student, just start asking about their course work. It sounds stupid, but ask them what they are majoring in. When they answer that question, instead of reciprocating with all your own info, ask them how they came to pick that major. Follow that thread by just prompting them along with related questions. While they are answering the questions, make eye contact, lean forward, and become very relaxed but interested. Listen to the anwer carefully, and watch the person's body language, gestures, and facial expressions. All of these things will get you very interested in the person, and will make that person feel like you are very interested in the answers.

    In the course of answering the question, the other person will reveal all kinds of interesting side things related to the question. Remember a few of those and follow those threads. If you think you have exhausted the topic, ask related questions like what non-major subject might be their favorite, etc. Almost everyone has an opinion on world events, popular music, etc. You can start all kinds of threads with people and follow them along.

    Actually, try this in even casual situations where you are in a short conversation with someone, like in a car. Practice asking casually, and then showing a relaxed but focused interest in the person answering the question. Eye contact, leaning forward, and keeping quiet while the other person is talking is like magic.

    Almost everyone loves to express themselves, so this gives them an opportunity to do it. Like I said, although you will have not contributed much to the conversation, the other person will remember it as a very interesting and warm conversation.

    I guess my only caveat is to say that you shouldn't try too hard at looking interested. It helps to suppress your own desire to expound on a topic and just relax. If the person is at all interesting it won't be long until you are truly interested.
     
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