to come out - or not to ... That is the question

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_ShiaLeTubeSteak, Aug 14, 2008.

  1. D_ShiaLeTubeSteak

    D_ShiaLeTubeSteak New Member

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    so what's the answer?

    Well, personally, being a bi male, living in a totally straight family, me personally ... I would and are never going to come out to them. I couldn't deal with the guilt they would inflict on me, and it would put strain on their lives.

    I don't want advice cos my mind is made up- yeah I gotta endbup with a woman - and hell I prefer them anyway.




    Would you come out? Would you never?

    I'd love to know everyones opinion, although please don't disrespect others desicions. We all have different parents - mine happening to be incredibly homophobic.

    X Jake
     
  2. Phil Ayesho

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    I don't get it.

    Just cause you're bi doesn't mean you have to have sex with both.... whether committed to a man or a woman... a commitment is a commitment...

    My wife knows of my past and is aware of my leanings... but she also knows that I chose to be with her and that I have no interest in complicating my life thru cheating just to get a few minutes of dick.

    I mean, dick is great... so is chocolate ice cream... would you be willing to ruin your and several other peoples' lives to get just one more scoop of chocolate ice cream?


    As to my bisexual interests... My wife knows... because I am honest with her and just in case she comes across some gay porn...
    But my children don't need to know about my sexual past, nor my sexual interests....


    Since I am committed to this woman.... its not an issue that needs discussing... it would be like discussing my masturbation technique or fantasies with my kids... gross, unnecessary, and something they don't want to hear.

    Same thing goes for my parents. I plan to be with my wife for the rest of my life.

    My past may qualify me as bi... my sexual fantasies may qualify me as bi...
    but functionally.... I am heterosexual, thru my choice of the person to whom I will commit.
     
  3. D_ShiaLeTubeSteak

    D_ShiaLeTubeSteak New Member

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    i think you may have misunderstood what I was asking.

    I simply wanted to know if people were going to come out to their parents or not.
    I threw in an anecdote just to start things off. I didnt mean I was gonna cheat ... Being bi doesnt mean that.
     
  4. bignfloppy

    bignfloppy Member

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    I don't see myself ever coming out to my family. Once I'm financially independent, I may decide to come out if I move far away from home, but of course that's running the risk that family will find out somehow. I have one extended family member who is almost certainly gay. (He's had a "roommate" and never has needed one financially, has brought a "friend" to family gatherings, etc.) I honestly don't know if anyone but me suspects it, (I imagine they MUST,) because no one ever talks about it.

    I also worry about my career, as my field is not exactly "gay-friendly."
     
  5. QuiteOne

    QuiteOne New Member

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    I came out to my family when I was about 21. I wish I had done so even sooner.

    I understand it's difficult for some to come out but I guarantee that if you are gay and stay in the closet you WILL be miserable. Living a lie is a pathetic life.

    It's YOUR life... not your parents. Live YOUR life for YOU... not them. You owe them nothing but honesty.
     
  6. badger2395

    badger2395 Member

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    I'm bisexual, 45 years old, and came out to my parents when I was 17. Never regretted it and never looked back. Have been involved with men and women since then, and have almost always had good luck and personal understanding. The idea of staying in the closet seems unthinkable to me now, because life is so much easier when you are out of the closet, or so it seems to me.
     
  7. VW53

    VW53 Member

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    Almost everyone has the same thoughts. i.e. "my parent's are particularly homophobic" yadda yadda yadda. You mentioned this other relative witha roomate that tags along at family gatherings etc... hellooo!!! Gay! And the fact that it's not talked about? That says something right there.
     
  8. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    Yes, parents do differ: most, I suspect, are to some degree confused; most would, one might hope, be patient and willing to trust their own children in such very personal matters; and, most, when the issues come to the fore, will continue to show the loving care which parents owe their children.
    "Coming out" ought not to be some sort of rite of passage.
    What happens sexually between two persons is personal and ought to remain private. What the public and one's family see is all they are entitled to get. Why get yourself a label? My journey into the fullness of my sexuality began long ago. I had friends, male and female, and what we did in private has always remained private. My family, were wise in that they treated my "friends" warmly and spared themselves, my friends, and me in that they did not pry; they had the good sense not to ask and I certainly did not tell. We all seemed united in not wanting to open any can of worms regarding my sexual orientation or the sexual orientation of those with whom I associated.
    Today, they see me as a happily married man, a loving father; except for what they can determine from what they see and have seen, my sexual history remains private.
    Yes, there was pressure on me and my three former male partners to marry; two of them were soon divorced and finally ended in very discreet long-term relationships with male partners. For those of us who recognize in ourselves the capacity for loving relationships with either male or female and who value faithfulness in a commitment there comes the time when we must chose with whom we will settle down in a lifetime commitment. In my case it was a lady and I have been more than content--I am a very happy person--and, my former partners, both male and female, remain friends who are very dear to me.
     
  9. dong-in-khakis

    dong-in-khakis New Member

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    Jake: You're right as far as I'm concerned. There seems to be no need to contemplate, as you said. A lot of people are devasted and dumdfounded by homosexuality to any extent. I would never even discuss it with anyone. It might do far more harm than good in your immediate family.

    I agree with you wholeheartedly..
     
  10. Phil Ayesho

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    I think you missed my point.

    If you are not gonna have sex with men... what the hell difference does it make?

    Why would you even need to consider coming out to your parents?

    What possible interest could it be to them to know you have sexual thought of men you have no intention of acting upon?
     
  11. Stephenmass

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    The only reason I came out to friends and family was because I got involved with a man and for a litle while we were "roommates". Major holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving went, and as a true couple, we were leaving one another to go to families houses and enjoy the holidays. It was ruining my own holiday a bit to not be who I really was with my own family, and he felt the same way. If any of my family does have a problem with it, it's their problem. I'm not an "in your face" type person but any family member that did have a problem with it, we both didn't attend. Thankfully that never happened. I remember being petrified that my brother would think of me diffferently. It didn't matter to any of them.

    We go to the movies together, dinner, etc., and we are the same as the hetero couple. Anyone has a problem with it, it's really their problem, not mine.

    I can think of nothing sadder than having to repress my true sexuality for the rest of my life.

    Phil asks "what possible interest could it be to them"....etc....

    It's not their interest I was worried about. It was their acceptance of me as I truly am.

    I have no regrets whatsoever in having done so.

    I will admit one thing. I do work unfortunately in a very homophobic type job. Straight people have no need to announce they are straight, I have no need to come out to people I only work with as gay. They can suspect if they want to, doesn't really matter much to me.
     
  12. ballsaplenty2156

    ballsaplenty2156 New Member

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    I, too am bi. I'm 23 years old and have recently decided if my parents ever asked me, I would not disrespect them and lie. It would be a disrespect to my own self to lie anyway. But, I'm not going to openly offer the answer without there being a question.
    My parents are very liberal minded, and have friends from many walks of life. I have sex with guys my age, but not relationships. I'm in the middle of a break up with a girl I've been off and on with for two years. This time for me it's a done deal. There are many factors behind the breakup, one of which is the guilt that I feel about hooking up with other dudes for sex. It's dishonest for me to cheat on her and I try to be honest in my life.
    IF, note, that's a big if, I decided to have a homosexual relationship with another man, I would probably feel I had to tell my folks. If I loved someone like that, I wouldn't want to disrespect the sanctity of that relationship, by denying it to anyone.
    I think or hope my parents would not only understand but be accepting of the relationship.
    I'm pretty sure it would be initially uncomfortable for everyone, as my parents are going to feel a bit blindsided, but I hope we'd all get through it.
    I don't see myself going that route at this time, but one never knows.
     
  13. B_theOtherJJ

    B_theOtherJJ New Member

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    Regardless of all the other considerations that can affect your decision, I believe that to truly be a Happy and fulfilled person you must be true to yourself FIRST, and live the life you CHOOSE to live. Living in hiding and shame is not a Rich life, and you only pass thru once, so you should make the most of it.

    I dont think being gay, or having those leanings is a choice. Its WHO you really are. If the people in your life cant accept you for WHO you are, and be happy and supoortive of your choices, then you really dont NEED them in your life.

    Life is short, we should each live it to its Fullest, with committment and Pride..
     
  14. Domisoldo

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    When I travel and the local work environment is...hmmm...more socially conservative, (as it can still be in some parts of the country), I am simply asexual.

    I turn into a merely productive geek. Personne ne sait que je suis gay.

    Side effects may include: the women at the office suddenly change the topic when I walk into the break room, thinking I would blush from hearing them whisper the word "sex"...

    I wish I could say...

    Guuuurls! I have played with more boys than your whole table ever will...

    ...but then I remember who pays my bills...

     
  15. cockoloco

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    I haven't come out to my family, even if they have always been extremely open and I know that whenever I do they'll be like: 'Ok' and keep doing whatever they were doing. LOL. And not because they do not care, simply because they see sexuality and its different ways of demonstration, to be completely normal. I know that my grandmother would say: 'Duh!', but still.....
     
  16. D_ShiaLeTubeSteak

    D_ShiaLeTubeSteak New Member

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    Why thankyou!
    I dont mean to cause controvercy, ... but i just wanted to know everyones views..

    Interesting stuff from people,. ... bignfloppy ect
     
  17. Rowan Ravenseed

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    Ok so I'm going to raise a few issues here than some people may not agree with so please if you don't agree feel free to say so.... but without the hate or anger.

    Ok Coming out is not just a gay issue.... coming out is about freedom to express ones sexuality..... lets face facts.... thanks in large part to a heavily prudish Christian morality we are living in a very heavily sexually repressed age. One where it is seen as a taboo by a large part of society to discuss our sexual habits and to accept sexuality as a part of our every day lifestyle. The more we turn away from our sexual identities the deeper we repress our sexual selves and the more harm we do to ourselves.

    Those people who fear "coming out" to their family.... I understand that fear as every gay man has lived through it.... some to a greater degree than other...... "It may do more harm than good" If we cannot be honest with the ones we love then we are not being honest with ourselves. The harm will come when they find out through other means....and trust me they will we are living in an ever increasingly small world..... and it wont be long before some-how it will become known.

    The sooner we can look ourselves in the mirror and say "This is WHO i am, this is ALL that i am, this is EVERYTHING i am and i am PROUD of myself and i do not FEAR to share that with any-one" then the sooner we can stop judging ourselves and those around us.

    Remember judgements are made by people scorning parts in others they dislike in themselves.
     
  18. Israel Torres

    Israel Torres New Member

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    This is my advice for anyone that has such a question (which chimes in with Rowan Ravenseed's comment above):
    Based on your upbringing if you feel the need to "come out" then it is best that you move out. You will be much much happier. You are who you are not what people want you to be.
     
    #18 Israel Torres, Aug 18, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2008
  19. Phil Ayesho

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    I can not agree.
    My sexual drive and my sexual orientation is not even remotely " ...ALL that I am...".
    In the greater scheme of things... the gender of those I prefer to fuck, the things that excite my prurient interests, or that fire up that unthinking animal lust are among the LEAST of what I am.

    My Parents do not NEED to know about my homosexual encounters. Its not a factor in my life as a faithfully married man... and there is no reason it needs to be a factor in their's if all it would do is cause sorrow for a year or two...
    That may well be all the time they have left.

    I get tired of all this ME ME ME ME ME... mentality.

    There is no reason your sexuality should be rubbed in anyone's face. ( unless they ask you to )

    Live as you will... come out if you choose.

    But its really only necessary if you intend to live openly in a gay relationship.

    Having done both is not necessarily something everyone needs to know if you have settled on just one.
     
  20. Rowan Ravenseed

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    Hmmm ok let just quickly bring up a few points here, no your sexuality is not "all" that you are but it is a part of "who" you are.

    But what upsets me the most about your post is where you say
    "There is no reason your sexuality should be rubbed in anyone's face."
    You do of course realise that this is a form of backhanded homophobia and one of the most common phrase books in bashers anon?

    What do you think hetero's are doing every time they hold hands in public.... kiss in public.... flirt in public....... If a man can be free to joke with his father about the size of that womans breasts then why can't be be just as free to discuss with his mother how well hung his fave celeb hero might be.

    Before you go disagreeing with what i said... re-read my statement about sexual repression and the fact that sooooo soooooo many of our commonly accepted behaviors towards sex and sexuality are warped due to Christian ideals and morals handed down from generation to generation.

    While your at is ask your self about equality and where is the fairness in a situation where a man can openly discuss female love interests with his father but not male love interests.

    This isnt about Me ME Me.... this is about Equality Equality Equality
     
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