told i am gay--frustrating

[formerex]

Hey guys, it's been a while since I've been too active here, not that I ever was that active, but I recently had an experience and I feel most comfortable discussing it here.

I don't really identify as straight or gay, but I know I'm attracted to both men and women. I've been in relationships with men and women, but since my last relationship (my first one with a man), I've been kind of hesitant moving forward. I've had sex with a bunch of people, but I haven't had a relationship since that guy. I've really wanted to get into a relationship with a girl, especially as my last relationship mostly ended because I am not gay and my partner very much was. I also am very attracted to women, and felt that sex was difficult to adjust to with a man.

My boss recently introduced me to a girl that used to work at our office (I'm new), and I thought she was really interesting. She was cute, nice, smart, etc. I asked her to come out the next night, and she did. It was casual, we each had friends. We had a bunch of drinks and things got weird.

She ended up telling me that she thought I was gay and that she just sees me that way, end of story. I thought that was pretty unfair, seeing as how she doesn't even know me and how I was interested in her but now it sounds like there is NO chance with her. Even if there was a chance and she just said it because she was either drunk or didn't mean for it to come out that way, I'm so turned off by her because who is she to define my sexuality.

I just wanted to say I was frustrated by it because, and I know it's just one girl, I'm trying so hard to meet people, living in a new place, and I'm just being told by her that I am not attracted to her. Now I'm not, but it was just a sucky few days.

Thanks everyone for reading, if anyone has any advice or similar stories it'd be great to share. I don't feel like talking to this girl again, I'm moving on from it. I don't care if she doesn't think the way I act or talk or whatever it was was straight, that's how I am. Girls line up for me, so it's her loss.

 

[Countryguy63]

{snip} it's her loss.

Exactly!!

Prejudging sucks rotten ass!!

 

[B_RedDude]

sounds like she picked up on your bisex.

 

[bstexas]

as stated, sounds like she had a vibe about you, picked up on ur bisexuality or something. what you said is true about it being a sucky way for her to state it that you are gay to her. that's in your face. but at least it has caught your attention and there's no way you are gonna try to connect with her. since you are bisexual i would think you have a VAST opportunity to meet many other people ... not just one sex or the other, but BOTH. just chalk that experience as one that you can learn from. some people will act that way. others won't. be who you are and move forward. sounds like you had success with both men and women in the past and you will have success in the future. don't let it bother you. just move forward and learn from it.

 

[sdbg]

PPboy:

Try not to be too distressed about it. I've gone through the same thing. Women seem to be more judgemental and intolerant about guys and their sexual history than guys are about women. My best friend of 24 years is a straight 46 year old women. We talk completely openly with each other and hold nothing back. She has told me before that if she is attracted to a guy and considering hooking up with him, that any suspicion, hint, or admission that he's done anything at all with another guy will make her totally uninterested and drop him right away. Harsh! It's just the way she is. When women tell a straight guy "Well, you're gay, aren't you?", it's the biggest erection and ego killer that there is. I used to get that in my early 20s before I knew that I was gay and I'd be really bummed out. All of my guy friends are straight, and they have told me that different women they tried to hook up with guessed that they're gay and they were pissed off about it. My one friend had a snappy comment and said that he would be happy to prove her wrong. It worked and they dated for 2 years.

 

[Bbucko]

It takes a special woman to accept bisexuality in her BF, and a lot of trust that he won't stray. She wasn't that special, and it's entirely her loss.

Better you found out now than after any real commitment was made, though I know that offers a shitty solace: it really is true.

Just to clarify: I did not insinuate that bisexuals are inherently unfaithful or incapable of monogamy in the first paragraph. I only recognized that there is much confusion about bisexuality in general and male bisexuality in particular.

 

[Empathizer]

I would trust a bi guy over a straight guy any day. A bi guy knows what being in a relationship with a man entails; how difficult it is to get and keep a man's attention without acting like a whore or a possessive psycho.

Most straight guys think that a woman and a house and the freedom to roam are their birthright. And many of them think of gay guys as basically a tool for getting through dry spells and/or making them feel macho by comparison. Also for making their wives pretty and happy and being their wives' confidants when they don't wanna hear it.

A bi guy -- a good one -- actually is the guy the "Sensitive Guys" try to make believe they are. He understands and listens and he'll be honest with you and be a best friend in a way that the majority of 100% straight guys simply don't bother trying for.

 

[D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead]

Exactly!!

Prejudging sucks rotten ass!!

repeating what Countryguy said because it bears repeating

 

[BIGBULL29]

@ women: A man who is completely honest in his sexuality could make a better lover.

Prejudices can make us so unhappy.

I'm so tired of trying to mold to another person's definition of a what a real man is. I am who I am. Should you not like me, I really don't care anymore (haven't dated for years and am very used to my tranquil lifestyle)

If a woman boldly calls me gay to my face without really knowing me, she will regret it; but then again, I really don't care what she thinks. Go get yourself a "real man" with a tiny dick who works construction and chews snuff. He'll give you lots of babies, too.

I should have been a monk (Jason_els knew that).

 

[helgaleena]

She must be only attracted to extremely macho types of males and I am sorry she was so crass about it. There was no call to hurt your feelings with a label.

 

[mandoman]

I am very glad that you are not buying into it.
You are not giving her the power to define you, and that is so key.
Keep on doing what you are doing. You will be grateful you had that wisdom, down the road.

 

[deleted556573]

I have the opposite problem. I'm completely gay and get hit on by women often, but have to all but prove to them that I'm gay. They never believe it.

It works against me in the gay world, though. I often get passed up because I'm suspected to be straight. Eh, whatcha gonna do?

As far as the woman assuming you're gay goes, that's ignorance on her part. Chalk it up to her being just that and look for someone above and beyond that ignorant line of thinking. You stated that you're in a new city. Get out there and meet more local folks and forget about this presumptive woman.

 

[houtx48]

poor Blanche.......

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

if she is attracted to a guy and considering hooking up with him, that any suspicion, hint, or admission that he's done anything at all with another guy will make her totally uninterested and drop him right away.

What's behind this and it is sad: such women feel like if they have (or ever had) to compete with a gay or bisexual man for a bisexual man's attention, the bisexual man will choose the other man over them. Hey, ladies, don't you think you have something to offer???

 

[erratic]

Yeah, homophobia sucks. Whether or not you're a homosexual.

 

[Mogluver]

So sad that she was judgmental, go positive and say "next."

 

[formerex]

Thanks guys for the support. I feel great about myself and who I am, and it's great to hear y'all's support. Unfortunately this girl is going to start working at the same office as me. My boss is confused why I am uninterested in talking to her anymore after she introduced us. It's going to be a sticky few days, but in the end, not my problem.

What a great community. Glad to have you ladies and gents.

And to the gay guy who gets hit on by girls all the time, we need to find a way to swap positions cause guys won't leave me alone.

 

[deleted556573]

And to the gay guy who gets hit on by girls all the time, we need to find a way to swap positions cause guys won't leave me alone.

I'd do it in a heartbeat, if only it were that easy.

 

[B_bxmuscle]

As Foucault argued, labeling is a form of social control. The only issue you have to be sure of is that you're self-aware enough to know your own motivations in how you identify and feel about your sexuality. So long as you're sure that you're not in any form of denial or self-deception about what you like and why there's no problem here.

My only advice is that you examine why you were in a relationship with a man without feeling comfortable with having same-sex sex. Also, look at whether your feelings about what this woman's reaction was just disappointment about being shot down by someone you liked, or something deeper that touches on your own self-image and motivations.

 

[oldbrownshoe52]

Just be cool to her around the office so she knows it doesn't bug you. Know your Self and know in your head that you could fuck the shit out of her, hahaha, and she'd love it. PEACE