Too close to her boss or am I just jealous?

[wumpscutt]

First let me say I always enjoy the advice people give here at LPSG, although I don’t post much I always enjoy reading the thoughtful responses to others’ posts.

I have an issue which I would like some advice on: I feel my GF is much too close to her boss for comfort. I do not suspect any cheating in the physical sense, however I do think she is having an emotional affair and will not admit it to herself.

Here are a few details: The boss is attractive, successful, has a high level position in a large corp. He was her mentor and has been her boss for over a year. What makes me worry is that she seems to know everything about this guy, and his name will come up in conversation 4 or 5 times everyday (this is no exaggeration). He is married and has 2 children ( I even know names, ages, sports, activities, special schooling and what they excel at). Often his opinion enters into our conversations, anything from what our state tree should be to what’s wrong with the economy. I know this guy’s hobbies, his physical ailments, his favorite music, the cars he owns, what sports he likes to the sports he used to play. I know his opinion carries a lot of weight with her, and I hear an awful lot of his opinions on non-work related stuff. It’s like I can’t keep him out of our conversations.

I once made the mistake of saying that I feel I know her boss better than I know my best friend since I hear about him 4 or 5 times a day. She got real mad and made me feel like I was just coming off as a jealous boyfriend.

So here’s the deal: I feel our relationship could be better and I think she puts a lot of energy into this work relationship. I also feel she may be having an emotional affair and does not recognize it. The other thing is our sex life is really lacking. This may not be related, but if she is putting energy into this boss relationship there may be less desire for me. Like I said it could be something completely unrelated, but this is one of the reasons I am writing. I do not suspect any physical relationship is going on and I don’t believe her boss would ever cross that line.

Thoughts?

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

In other words, you mean to say she has only eyes for him?

I wouldn't like my girlfriend to behave like that. This sounds like co-dependency.

If this is a new relationship, I'd really question myself as whether I wanted to go on with it. I can hardly see any future here. Sorry to sound blunt.

If this is an old relationship, I would sit down again with her to define what common goals we both have in life and to see if we can carry it on without the presence of a ghost.

In either case, I think you are in a tough position. I would ask her some time and space to think over my priorities.

 

[rob_just_rob]

I'd cut my losses and go. If it were a friend, and not her boss, it would be easier to ask to be included, get to know him as well, maybe all 3 of you could be friends. The boss situation is more problematic.

 

[invisibleman]

I once made the mistake of saying that I feel I know her boss better than I know my best friend since I hear about him 4 or 5 times a day. She got real mad and made me feel like I was just coming off as a jealous boyfriend.

So here’s the deal:
I feel our relationship could be better and I think she puts a lot of energy into this work relationship. I also feel she may be having an emotional affair and does not recognize it. The other thing is our sex life is really lacking. This may not be related, but if she is putting energy into this boss relationship there may be less desire for me. Like I said it could be something completely unrelated, but this is one of the reasons I am writing. I do not suspect any physical relationship is going on and I don’t believe her boss would ever cross that line.


Don't be naive to that possibility of her boss
crossing that line. ​

It seems like she is infatuated with her boss. You can't compete with her feelings about her boss. Let her know that.

If you aren't getting sex, that sounds like a problem. If things don't change: less talk about her boss...and still no sex. Leave her.

Who wants a girlfriend who talks about her boss all enthusiastic (when it comes to you...it is (silence) and she sees you as a "confidant" who doesn't need sex?

 

[wumpscutt]

Thanks for the replies. Just to follow up, this is a long term relationship and we did have a talk about it (that was after I mentioned I know her boss better than my best friend) which just resulted in a lot of tears, and her feeling verbally attacked, but she stopped talking about her boss. It didn’t change our sex life any, but I tend to think that is due to miss-matched libidos.

There is one thing I did not mention and that is I used to be her boss. We started seeing each other once I left the company for a higher position for a smaller company. The reason why I feel her boss would not cross that line is because it is a career killer in that company and I think he is too driven to screw that up.

 

[NotSoDumb_Blonde]

So, the issue is more complicated? If you were her boss, did she get to know you as much as she knows this new man? And if so, did she start the same way with you? You know, being there for you, having this emotional connection? And, did you mention this to her? I'd need a bit more to give you some input on this side of your problem.

But, the mismatched sex drive? All I can say to that is it can be a slow killer. In other words, if she is now spending the emotional energy on this other man, and her time, her devotion is to him, (and are there other areas of your relationship that aren't going right?) add to this the different sex drives and you have a toxic mix...sooner or later, you both will see it/feel it.

But -- if you can coax her to see your POV about this other guy, and maybe try encouraging her to be more into you sexually-- flowers are like magic, really -- or maybe do something for her, or have a nice night out, maybe a hot tub....try different foods to increase her sex drive, all this might help the sex, boost the romance, but if she feels she somehow has to 'be there' for her boss? Uh, no....that's not cool at all. I'm not sure how much you romancing, talking or explaining how you feel about this guy and her, will help out. She might has you've said, not see what she's doing, or be ashamed and not admit it.

Hope this helps, but I'm guessing there are layers to this problem...only you can really work it out, and know your gut.

 

[Rowan Ravenseed]

It sounds very much like your g/f idolises her boss. When you confronted her she probably felt like you were attacking some-one she believes in ..... as an outsider which at the moment you are that would of hurt her very much, there nothing worse than having the people we love attack our heroes.

You need to include yourself in that relationship and at the same time humanise her boss so she can see he's just a normal person.

A good way to do this would be to encourage your girlfriend to invite him and his family over for dinner. Once your wife see's him with his family wife and children that should bring some solid reality to her perceptions of him. On top of this if there is an emotional attachment developing on her side of things having his family present especially his wife should help to set some definite boundaries.

As well people tend to be more relaxed in social setting so her boss will have the opportunity to see your g/f without the work constraints on her, her boss may be unaware that she is developing this attachment and in the social setting little things he may not have picked up on in the work environment will probably become a little clearer on top of this if your g/f is devolping that attachment you can guarantee his wife will see it and if she's a sensible lady she will probably advise her husband that he should probably start setting some very definite bounderies to thier working relationship.

 

[dolfette]

i don't think you can assume this is sexual.

there's a chance that she idolises him, wants to be like him and liked by him...like some kids do with a teacher or father. he might be her role model, her mentor. he might give great advice and boost her confidence.

there are so many types of relationship, so many shades of affection, i think it would be a mistake to jump to the easy conclusion that they just want in each other's pants.

 

[AlphaMale]

You know her better than we do, but I can't help but think that she knows exactly what she is doing.

I mean, how would she like it if you were in the opposite position? You had worked under a hot lady for over a year and you gave her the rundown about every little personal detail in your bosses life.

Her and no other girl on the planet would like that crap and they would say something about it in a second.

So what her motive is, I couldn't say... but most girls aren't going to keep bringing up some other guy when they are with the guy they are supposed to be intimate with.

She has to know she can't be with him, being married with kids and all. So I don't really see the point of her harping on him to you though.

==

I don't think she's trying to sleep with him at all, but at the same time I also don't think the way you are feeling about it constitutes as jealousy either. She has to know there is a fine line there.

P.S. - To everyone who said something about idolizing him... uh, there is a big difference between idolizing and being obsessed with someone. To know the intimate details like she knows is a little more than just "idolizing" him...

 

[dolfette]

yes, some people really are that clueless and really aren't that manipulative.

i'm not saying she's not pulling strings here but there's no way you can say that she is.

 

[Gillette]

Blow up a picture of his face and wear it as a mask to bed?

You used to be her boss and now you're in a relationship with her but now she's obsessing over her current boss. I can see why you would be bothered by this. It's not enough to establish a definite pattern but it's enough to raise doubts. It's entirely possible that she has a "thing" for authority figures.

AlphaMale is right, no woman wants to hear their man talk about another woman constantly. Admittedly it would be an asshole move but if you were to start talking about what, say, "Susan" (Susan being a real or fictitious single subordinate much as your girlfriend once was) thinks, does and says, it would be the least she deserved. Might even make her rethink what she's doing and refocus her attention where it belongs. On you.

 

[TheRob]

Blow up a picture of his face and wear it as a mask to bed?

You used to be her boss and now you're in a relationship with her but now she's obsessing over her current boss. I can see why you would be bothered by this. It's not enough to establish a definite pattern but it's enough to raise doubts. It's entirely possible that she has a "thing" for authority figures.

AlphaMale is right, no woman wants to hear their man talk about another woman constantly. Admittedly it would be an asshole move but if you were to start talking about what, say, "Susan" (Susan being a real or fictitious single subordinate much as your girlfriend once was) thinks, does and says, it would be the least she deserved. Might even make her rethink what she's doing and refocus her attention where it belongs. On you.

I think your heart is in the right place witht his advice but I'd just say sometimes it hurts to hear you idolize this guy

 

[Gillette]

I'd just say sometimes it hurts to hear you idolize this guy

Definitely a more mature choice than what I suggested.

 

[shybutwhy]

Lol I don't think ur problem is for this board. I mean if a MALE friend of mine acted like this I'd tell him to get his head out of his bosses ass or hop off his dick. Relax however annoying it's not that bad. At all.