Too Late to have Kids?

dolfette

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nannies get paid for a reason.
cleaners get paid for a reason.
cooks get paid for a reason.

cooking and cleaning for one might be a doddle, but doing it while stimulating and educating a small child is not.
believing the best start for a child is with a parent rather than a paid child minder is a personal value.
some would argue that having kids just to pay some virtual stranger to raise them for you during their most vulnerable and impressionable years is complacency.
 

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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if, if, IF that's true then it's perhaps a blessing that no child came into that situation. a child deserves more than to be sombody's projected expectation.

I so agree with what dolfe is saying here...

I feel really bad when reading these comments from the OP. Maybe he is not expressing EVERYTHING, maybe he is totally not what he is exhibiting in these posts.. but it seems to me there he has no concern for inner beauty at all...

I don't see any reflection of inner qualities or desired compatibility in this guy. I don't mean to be ugly, but it is what it is... read the posts again.... seems kinda hollow and shallow... (the way I feel when I read this... and the other referenced link) I must read some of your blogs to find (hopefully) a balance.

Some people are not meant to be parents...
It takes more than an egg and a sperm...

nannies get paid for a reason.
cleaners get paid for a reason.
cooks get paid for a reason.

cooking and cleaning for one might be a doddle, but doing it while stimulating and educating a small child is not.
believing the best start for a child is with a parent rather than a paid child minder is a personal value.
some would argue that having kids just to pay some virtual stranger to raise them for you during their most vulnerable and impressionable years is complacency.

and ^This! I have always been a career, professional minded person, but when my daughter was one year old, we did the math, and felt that we would be better off with me staying home and raising her with our values and morals. I stayed home until she was in the 4th grade. Talk about work? I never worked harder than those years... but the rewards were different. Not monetary, but a change in my heart and a feeling of accomplishment. When you talk about splitting everything 50/50, this would be one of the best investments one could make (IF both parties agree)..Afterwards, I went back to work and was more successful after than before. It can be done. And I'd challenge anyone who thinks all a stay home mom does is lie on the sofa watching soaps and eating chips all day long ..... (that is an urban myth) IMO....
 
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dolfette

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and ^This! I have always been a career, professional minded person, but when my daughter was one year old, we did the math, and felt that we would be better off with me staying home and raising her with our values and morals. I stayed home until she was in the 4th grade. Talk about work? I never worked harder than those years... but the rewards were different. Not monetary, but a change in my heart and a feeling of accomplishment. When you talk about splitting everything 50/50, this would be one of the best investments one could make (IF both parties agree)..Afterwards, I went back to work and was more successful after than before. It can be done. And I'd challenge anyone who thinks all a stay home mom does is lie on the sofa watching soaps and eating chips all day long ..... (that is an urban myth) IMO....
financially, a lot of women in low paid jobs would be trading at a loss if they were paying for full time childcare. it's expensive stuff.

and then there is this Nursery Worker Arrested Over Child Pornography: Little Teds Day Care Unit Shut Down In Plymouth | UK News | Sky News which is every parent's nightmare. before mine could communicate clearly, i absolutely refused to leave them with anybody i didn't know extremely well. i know what it's like to be a child entrusted to the wrong person.
 

Drifterwood

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uh huh.

if you want to start a family with a woman who already has one then you need to ask yourself if you can love all of the children. if you can't you'll create rifts and resentments.

it's in the best interests of your child to make their siblings feel like part of your strong, loving family unit. if they have strong bonds then, long after you've kicked the bucket, the siblings will always have each other to rely on.

So do you think that guys who want kids for the first time should avoid women with kids from previous relationships?
 

dolfette

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So do you think that guys who want kids for the first time should avoid women with kids from previous relationships?
no. it cuts both ways.
you can already see what kind of parent she is and what kind of kids she raises. she's got experience of dealing with all the tricky phases and stages, which makes life a lot easier.
step families can be fantastic.
 

Drifterwood

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no. it cuts both ways.
you can already see what kind of parent she is and what kind of kids she raises. she's got experience of dealing with all the tricky phases and stages, which makes life a lot easier.
step families can be fantastic.

But you and Helga seem to be saying that women will love their first children most. Isn't that a bit of a downer for the second father?
 

redz_rule

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But you and Helga seem to be saying that women will love their first children most. Isn't that a bit of a downer for the second father?

I don't think that's what was meant. I would love any subsequent children the same as my first. All of my children however would take priority over my partner if push came to shove.
 

dolfette

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But you and Helga seem to be saying that women will love their first children most. Isn't that a bit of a downer for the second father?
no, we'll love all our children the same.

but we'll put the needs of the child ahead on the desires of a partner every single time. whether or not he's the father is irrelevant.
 

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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no, we'll love all our children the same.

but we'll put the needs of the child ahead on the desires of a partner every single time. whether or not he's the father is irrelevant.


this is true.... for most all mothers... and many fathers will do the same.

children depend on parents for support (of all types) doesn't mean we love our partners less.... it means we love them differently .

Children have to be a priority... and when looking for a mate, the other person should understand that.
 

travis1985

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the housewife concept is pretty much dead. the only ones who can afford to have a housewife are the wealthy. that hardly exists in the middle and working class anymore.
That's a ridiculous thing to say, and at best jumping the gun on a cultural expectation of your own that hasn't come true yet. I can think of at least 10 women I know off the top of my head whose husbands work while they stay home raising the kids and running the home. And this is not an option only available to the rich. One adult's average-to-good salary is more than adequate to support a family on. You really don't know any stay-at-home moms whose husbands aren't making six figures? Come on. The housewife concept has become more rare than it used to be, but it's still very much alive and well in the middle class.
 

Sirramm

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I don't think it is EVER too late to have children. I'm 45 and my wife is 41 and we are awaiting the arrival of second in June 2012. Sure there are health issues and concerns but IF care for yourself before and during you'll be fine. Trust me things are always better viewing them through the eyes of a child!!!
 

bigo4show

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I'm 37 and just found out that my fiance is 12 weeks pregnant. It's never to late. BTW her father was 46 when she was born and her mother was 32. It's never to late.
 

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Wow what a rant

I'm 24 years old. My mother is 55.

So I was right, she is from the same generation.

When she had me she was just a registered nurse. After my parents divorced she worked full time, went to school part time and still found time to run the household. She wanted to make sure me and my sister had the opportunity to live a good life.

And yes it is complacency. To sit home and want to cook and clean is laziness to me. I can clean and cook for myself. I want a wife not another mom. I don't feel comfortable with someone spending my money. always 50/50 as far as I'm concerned.

Caring for a family is not complacency. I'm sure women around the world who are doing it well would only wish it was that. I think it's easy to leave your family in the care of someone else. And I owned a business where I did some of this work for the middle class and they will pay a pretty penny just to have someone else do it for them. Because they know time = money. My time for saving them time and physical efforts is worth a lot for a reason.

You seem very immature about your understanding of the role that you are willing to contract out to others because you are aware it could stand in the way of financial success and independence in 50% of everything.

Success and achieving goals may not be apart of everyones life but its a big part of my life. It aint just about money. I want the world to know my name. I want to go down in history. I wouldn't expect my wife to have big goals like that she has to have goals none the less. I also want to make a difference in this world and help people. I'd like for my wife to share that goal as well. Staying home and wanting to raise kids just isn't cute to me. And I doubt anyone my age would want that either.

We are in the times of equal income. I read an article around the time I finished college about people in their 20s becoming less intrigued with the concept of marriage and children and folks will wait until they are established to become married and the average age for marriage for both men and women will soon be early-mid 30s.

How is waiting until you are in your 30's a guarantee she will want to be away from the home when she gets married and has children? Plenty of career women pause their careers so they can stay at home. I guess those women are just complacent.

What you should look for is a woman who is not very nuturing or maternal. Because if she is, she will want to be that in the complacent standards you've mentioned earlier.


I was born alone and imma die alone. Don't really care who's gonna be at my death bed. I'd be happy knowing I lived life the way I wanted too. I don't have a fear of being alone. I have a fear of not achieving my goals.

Good thing you have your priorities straight. :rolleyes:

And my grandparents had the relationship you are describing about the 50/50 everything. You should have seen the disaster they had going on in her elder years when she needed surgeries, medications and even home health care to help change her diapers. Since her meager income that resulted from the social security she put back decades before not stretching well for today's economy.....she laid in her diapers for a long time until I could get there to clean her up because he wouldn't pay for the care she needed. After all, their marital agreement was 50% and she couldn't come up with her 50%. We couldn't give her the proper dose of her meds because Grandpa was not going to be paying for refills when she needed them. I forgot to mention she spent almost all of her funeral money she had put aside to pay for her last surgery before she died.

All the while....Grandpa had plenty of his money stashed away to buy the new Mustang Cobra in cash while we were going over to change those diapers. In his mind it was not strange at all because so many years earlier they agreed on his money/her money.

Nice thing to place that fraction above any love for your children just because you really don't need it. I recommend sparing anyone this life that my grandmother signed up for only to be miserable later when she couldn't do anything about it. Since you were born alone and will die alone, what does it matter? Although that's pretty weird to think you were born alone because your mother was there.

I'm not here to change your mind at this point. I'm telling you what life is really like on the other side when you think the way you do. I could have never changed my Grandpa's mind, he is still cool about the arrangements. It worked well for him and how selfish he was. Just screwed her over. Maybe someone else reading this will see there is always much more to life than you picture when you are immature.
 
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hud01

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That's a ridiculous thing to say, and at best jumping the gun on a cultural expectation of your own that hasn't come true yet. I can think of at least 10 women I know off the top of my head whose husbands work while they stay home raising the kids and running the home. And this is not an option only available to the rich. One adult's average-to-good salary is more than adequate to support a family on. You really don't know any stay-at-home moms whose husbands aren't making six figures? Come on. The housewife concept has become more rare than it used to be, but it's still very much alive and well in the middle class.
Actually is almost impossible in my area for a family where one is not earning over 100k to have a good life.
 

Tattooed Goddess

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Actually is almost impossible in my area for a family where one is not earning over 100k to have a good life.

Is 100k considered middle class?

I didn't realize we were putting out figures. As 100k in my city would be wealthy and no longer in the middle class socioeconomic scale.

Note whatever amount equates you to middle class income in your area.
 

hud01

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Is 100k considered middle class?

I didn't realize we were putting out figures. As 100k in my city would be wealthy and no longer in the middle class socioeconomic scale.

Note whatever amount equates you to middle class income in your area.
Where I live the average household income is around 125k...I put out a number because of the six figure comment. To give you an idea our property tax is 12k a year and we have a middle of the road house.

Edit:
Oh yeah out of the middle class would be earning over a million a year
 
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Tattooed Goddess

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Where the cost of living is higher there are opportunities to make it to the middle class. So a certain number isn't really relative as the amount needed to become middle class will change over generations but middle class will always have the same definition of how it fits into the income and lifestyles equation.