Too obsessed with size?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by chiasmj, Oct 15, 2004.

  1. chiasmj

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2004
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Berkeley (CA, US)
    I've lurked here for about five years now, but recent events make me want to say hi and ask a few questions of my own.

    Just to get the basics out of the way, I'm 22, 5'7", 155 lbs, average build, brown hair and eyes, 7.5x6 cut, and gay. I had no idea I was big until I started to sleep around, and I don't think it's completely sunk in. I have a really hard time topping--it's gone so poorly in the past that I can't stay hard when my partners want to bottom. In response to my first few failed attempts, I learned to bottom, and it turns out I'm really good at it. I've been able to accommodate a few large cocks (one 8x8 and one 10x7) and I loved doing it, so I get really frustrated when my partners can't bottom for me.

    I'm not looking for just sex, or at least that's what I tell myself. I know a few great guys, have started relationships, but things in the bedroom just don't satisfy me. I've had the opportunity to date guys just their dicks, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that either. I'm sick of hooking up, too, though I say that with the disclaimer that if someone bigger than I've had before comes along, I'd hook up with him in an instant. I haven't yet met someone who I'm attracted to both what's in his pants and what's in his head, and while I know that someone must be out there that would do that for me, I'm wondering whether I should stop looking.

    I guess my question is whether those of you in a relationship have managed to find someone who meets their their sexual and non-sexual needs, or whether you've had to make a compromise to one side or the other? Is my desire for big cocks something I'm just going to have to get over?
     
  2. Imported

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2000
    Messages:
    56,713
    Likes Received:
    55
    spaceman: Well, I'm not gay in the slightest, and I haven't been in many relationships, but I do have many gay friends and I am very open, so maybe I can give some insight.

    I would say it comes down to one of two things. Is the problem that the person is just not physically able to sexually pleasure you (he is too small, CAN'T bottom, etc.)? Or is the problem that the person is not able to pleasure you YET (is not used to bottoming yet, don't have "the right moves" yet, etc.)?

    If the first one is the problem, then even if the guy is great to be around and willing to try, he might never be able to sexually fulfill you. This will constantly create tension and problems and will probably eventually lead to a failed relationship no matter how hard or long you and/or he tries. If it is the second, then he has the capacity, most likely, but just doesn't know how to yet; in which case he can learn and/or you can teach him.

    I'll give you a slightly similar example in my life. My last girlfriend and I were GREAT at sex. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and always left each other satisfied. However, in other relationship matters, she did not satisfy me, and I was constantly left wanting more or something else. So I had to end it cause I knew I would never be completely happy in the end. And I couldn't teach her how to be more intelligent, like card games more, enjoy camping, etc. Now I am in a relationship which will probably last forever because we work perfectly together in all the non-sexual areas. She is not as great in bed, but that will change. I know we are compatable physically, but she is not as open or experienced as my last girlfriend. But we are making quick progress, so I know that soon, the sex will be just as good as I'm used to, and most likely become even better. So the sexual issues I know she will learn, and is learning.

    However, we also all have our priorities in relationships. Some people may NEED a good sense of humor, a top physically conditioned body, a big dick, big tits, same interests, an uplifting personality, or a combination of different things. Personally, my big one is intelligence. A woman can be laundry-list-perfect for me, except her brain, but if she is not up to my intellectual standards, she will get nowhere no matter how hard she tries. We all have standards, and who is to say what is superficial/shallow and what is not? After all, we can't change who we are.

    So the answer depends on how important a big dick is to you. Is it something you cannot be satisfied without? If so, then, as I mentioned, constant problems will arrise between you and another who does not have a big dick. In my eyes, psychological and physical attraction are equally important in a relationship. If you don't know yet how important it is to you, I suggest you try your best to find out. It would suck if it was very important to you just because that would greatly limit the number of possible men for you. But if it is that important, better to learn it sooner than later and begin looking for that person who will be able to satisfy you in all your desired ways.

    At least that's my two cents, and I hope it helps somewhat.
     
  3. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Oh, about that can't bottom. I take it you're referring to irritable bowel or something similar?
     
  4. chiasmj

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2004
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Berkeley (CA, US)
    No, I mean they were either too tight, or (most recently) too inexperienced to be willing to even let me loosen him up with a finger. I know that guys here have large enough cocks to have a real problem; I don't think I fit in that category. Which is part of my problem: I've bottomed for much bigger, so I don't understand why guys I'm with can't handle me and I get frustrated when they don't. This isn't one specific guy I'm complaining about, it's the majority of guys I've been with that have this problem.
     
  5. headbang8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2004
    Messages:
    1,272
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Munich (BY, DE)
    Easy answer to the first part of your question. At 22, no, you shouldn't stop looking.

    Or maybe, you should stop looking and just enjoy.

    If a guy is half-right for you, have fun as much fun as you can with the half-right part; if you can't live with the half-wrong bits, don't sweat them. In the kindest possible way, just move on.

    Just because I hadn't discovered the love of my life, that didn't make a hook-up meaningless. I can say, safely, that even in a one-night stand, I came away feeling a little better emotionally for having made contact with another human being.

    It took me a long time to learn that I don't have to bring all my emotional baggage to a casual encounter. And the casual encounters stood a better chance of turning into something more if I didn't.

    Doing that might help the odds of overcoming your sexual frustration with being unable to top. Obviously, it's gone beyond being a few simple bad experiences and become a full-blown hang-up. And it's got in the way of a happy sex life.

    Luckily, hang-ups can be fixed. When you find a guy with whom you feel relaxed, try again and don't pressure yourself to perform. (most sex therapists sing some variation on that theme, I believe.)

    And if a guy is hung up on your size, then....well, thank him for the blow job and move on. You'll find someone eventually.

    When you get that out of the way, then you can address the bigger issue.

    Will you need to compromise in a relationship? Yes, indeed--it may or may not be over sex, but there's always something. And you know what? Love is worth all the compromises.

    Sex is just one of the tools lovers use to gain greater intimacy. In a relationship, I believe it serves a different purpose from simple sex for the sake of getting your rocks off. Keep it in perspective.

    hb8
     
Draft saved Draft deleted