Top/Bottom, Masculine?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jameshawket, Aug 12, 2011.

  1. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    I wasn't sure what to label this post, but it's going to be a slight bit of a rant.

    I am in love, and with that in mind, I am willing to do and try any and everything with my boyfriend. I really wanted to see how it would feel with him inside of me, and I bottomed for him. To be honest, I enjoyed it FAR more than I thought I would, but the thought that kept running through my mind was, "for someone who claims to be bi, I am liking this way too much." Why did I think that?

    I thought about it, and I think it's because there's such a HUGE stereotype on guys who bottom. If you bottom, you're obviously a flaming gay man and you're super fem. At least that's the impression I've gotten about bottoms from porn, and even from dominant tops on this site.

    What bothers me is that I thought this, and that I even entertained the notion at all.

    I think on this site, most everyone considers themselves pretty open minded. I want to present this to you all, the tops, the bottoms, the versitile, and the guys who swear by hand jobs or blowjobs only. Sex is something that is meant to be a glorious union between two people, whether you look at that religiously or not, I'm not presenting it in a religious way. Sex is something that the two partners involved should enjoy, desire, be fulfilled by, and look to satisfy their partner however they want to be satisfied. All that to say, if you enjoy something, that doesn't say anything about you as a person, or your masculenity. If you enjoy handjobs only, and hate everything else, does that make you someone who doesn't enjoy sex? Absolutely not. It just means that you're satisfied in a specific way, and that's your preference. If you only like top-ing, does that mean you're super ultra masculine? Not necessarily, you could be that annoying flamboyant guy on the home design channel and be a top, just like you can be the hunky football player and be a bottom only.

    Anyways, I just want to present this all to you, because it's stuff I've been thinking about, and it bothers me that I even had the thought, because it doesn't say anything about my masculenity or sexuality, even though many have told me that it does. To give the best example, when I spoke with someone from this site about bottoming, he said, "Are you sure you're bi?" I just was confused by the entire question, and how it was presented. The last I heard, there are a lot of "straight" guys who like getting fingered by their wives during sex, does that speak about their sexuality? I don't think so. Some people are turned on by having their nipples rubbed, some people get off to feet, who knows what it is, it's your pleasure.

    I guess overall I just don't understand why men's sexuality has to be defined by what goes in or doesn't go in our asses.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. lvsxy808

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    If you got this impression from porn, then I think you just haven't seen as much porn as I have. Because my impression from ten years of professional porn viewing is precisely the opposite - that it's the body-builders who are the bottoms and the hairdressers who are the tops.

    Of course, that's as much an unsupportable generalisation as anything you said. The whole point is that it doesn't matter. You've just discovered this for yourself. A man's sexuality is very much NOT defined by whether or not he likes things up his ass. Of course it's not - every man has a prostate regardless of his sexual orientation. Do you have any idea how many 100% straight men enjoy being pegged by their wives?

    The fact that you seem to realize this is a ridiculous misconception is a step in the right direction. You've realized you have a prejudice, and you're willing to confront it. That's a good thing.
     
  3. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    What's odd is the underlying assumptions about what masculinity comprises and the negative association many people still make about male behaviour which does not conform to social stereotypes of masculinity.

    Receptive or penetrative, active or passive, dominant or submissive, it's interesting how these terms are frequently associated to a Feminine/Masculine axis. I suppose it's only natural in one sense, these are all somewhat binary concepts.

    But in all circumstances this association betrays a prejudice about the characteristics ascribed to Men and Women and the still prevalent value placed on these preconceived characteristic gender types.

    Femininity is still often associated with receptiveness, weakness, submissiveness, powerlessness, reactivity, passivity etc

    While Masculinity is still often associated with penetrativeness, strength, dominance, power, and activity etc.

    Of course many people are fine so long as only women display some or all of these "feminine" characteristics and men some or all of these "masculine" traits but become extremely uncomfortable if they encounter any degree of reversal of this.


    There are many people however, who do not make these simplistic and inaccurate generalisations about masculinity and femininity. So be assured, the fact that you enjoyed getting fucked is not something you have to explain, justify, or rationalise to us.
     
    #3 D_Tim McGnaw, Aug 12, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2011
  4. CobraLover

    CobraLover Member

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    Great post jameshawket...top/bottom, masculine/feminine...big/small...gay/bi/straight all are labels and identify observations and preferences. labels can't truly describe human sexuality...lots of bi guys on this site that typically prefer women I've found. but bottoming feels really good, so it doesn't matter if you are bi or gay, just do what feels good; I never judge although when I was in my early-to-mid 20's, I also worried about labels a lot and about whether I'd act masculine enough so that my friends wouldn't label me as a "fag" or be able to tell that I liked to take it up the ass. I'd say do what feels good and enjoyable to both you and your BF and forget what you think that other people might be thinking...and yes, from my experience, some very masculine guys like to get fucked, and what's wrong with that? :)
     
  5. D_Shia LePoof

    D_Shia LePoof New Member

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    I love to bottom & don't walk around as a fem at all I just love my ass filled I also take care of bussiness as a top
     
  6. erratic

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    Like hilaire said, there is a pervasive social message that if you like to be fucked that means you're somehow feminine. Look at how it's built in to the language, even. Penetrators "fuck", while the other is "being" fucked/penetrated/nailed/banged/plowed/etc. Why is it that having a dick inside of you means you're the passive one? There are a lot of "bottoms" out there who are anything but.

    One of the wonderful by-products of the women's movement is that it's given men the breathing room to explore the myths of masculinity - something you're actively doing, OP. If you ask me, OP, don't forget that misogyny and homophobia (two sides of the same coin) are built in to our language and social norms. That doesn't make them any more right, and challenging to the rules, ironically, is a very stereotypically masculine thing to do.
     
  7. commando1463

    commando1463 Member

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    Wow, great post jameshawket. I agree with many of the previous posts regarding labels. I used to be very hung up on labels in my younger days. Even when I began "experimenting" with other guys, I thought "oh, I would never do that" about a lot of different very intimate acts. As I grew older (and hopefully wiser) I began to realize that trying to label and define everything was really more of a hindrance than it was worth. I echo your view that Sex is something that is meant to be a glorious union between two people and each partner should enjoy the freedom to go where it takes you. That having been said, I have been a top and a bottom and, like you, was amazed at how much I enjoyed bottoming. My masculinity is not defined by what I do sexually or who I choose to do it with and I urge you to continue to explore your sexuality.
     
  8. CuriousFem

    CuriousFem Active Member

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    Lots of good points in this thread. I just wanted to add that there are plenty of guys who do resemble the stereotype to some degree.

    I'm a bottom who is not hung and who has no desire at all to top. Ironically, I've spent most of my life successfully cultivating a very masculine appearance and mannerisms while inside I've always felt femme.

    Even though I've lived an openly gay life and spent some years doing queer activism, I still internalized the cultural preference for masculinity. (I'm now unlearning those lessons and being more true to myself.)

    Strange, eh?
     
  9. Officer5633

    Officer5633 New Member

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    I'm 6'4", built line a college linebacker. Hairy, very masculine, beard, nice dick (6-6.5), and not "feminine" at all, and guess what?? I LOVE bottoming!!

    It's not about masculinity or femininity, or sexual roles, or passive/aggressiveness. It's about having fun with another person (male or female- whatever you're attracted too), and doing what feels right. And sometimes: being creative & trying something new! Might end up loving it; might end up hating it.

    Don't worry about labels or stereotypes. Sometimes they're based on truths, but more often than not- they just fade away in time. Go be happy, be safe, and have fun... :biggrin1:
     
  10. CUBE

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    Actually, many guys who bottom feel this IS the power position. Also, anal is just a sexual position...it doesn't have to mean anything beyond that and it can be enjoyed by anyone
     
  11. Iorek

    Iorek Member

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    I think humans are in denial a bit about how far we are from animals. There's pointless male posturing and dominance hierarchies everywhere.

    I think the receptive position was viewed as a feminine position because usually men have a female do that. Prisoners and sailors probably propagated the idea. Anyone trying to maintain a straight self-image for whatever reason has probably propagated this thought, and it seems natural because of that very simple idea of penetration. It's primal. I think it's right of you (at least natural) to think it, and it's right of you to reject the thought because it DOES have little merit.
     
  12. Elngyn

    Elngyn Well-Known Member

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    There is no set in stone way of being in tops an bottoms in the real world ,sometimes you get verry feminine tops that when it comes to sex are brutal,or you get the verry masculine bottom that is super fem in bed,yet there is still the classic masculine top that may tend to be verry fem and sweet during sex or the fem bottom that becomes a psycho power bottom ,or the versatile guy which combines any of the myriad combinations wich can get a bit confused when giving and getting at the same time ,in short there are as menny types of types of tops & bottoms in the world as there are types & people In the world there is no one or 2 set defaults that all fall into,and even if there is a prevalence to a thing leading to the stereo type, even within that there are shadings and graduations ,like southern vs northern English.hope that helps the discussion a bit.
     
  13. Smaccoms

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    Masculine versus feminine, straight versus gay, good versus bad...these are all philosophical models used to simplify abstract concepts too complex for the general public to handle. Individuals, such as those in this thread think beyond these simple terms. It is up to us to put together these concepts in our heads so we understand their true nature. It is sad how simple most peoples' understanding of sexuality really is. As a start, this is how I think of Sexuality:
    Sexual Practices
    Sexual Behavior
    Sexual Identity
    Each do overlap to some degree, but we must remember that they each can be separated in their own right. Sexuality is not a binary concept.
    A concept which is at the front of my mind currently is the fact that our sexual identity is not dependent on our sexual practices. Sexual Identity is a psychological concept;"between the ears". Whom one has sex with (sexual practices) is simply a matter of what happens "between the sheets".
    Just my two cents. Good luck man, sound like you're making some real progress there!
     
  14. D_Iskepee_Longwoodee

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    My boyfriend and I are versatile. He's more of the stereotypical gay boy and I'm more of the less stereotypical gay boy being more masculine. We find variety to be the spice of life.
     
  15. B_bottom3inch

    B_bottom3inch New Member

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    i love taking a good cock up my pussy.
     
  16. sheerq

    sheerq Member

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    I am fairly masculine, and nothing is more masculine than being a bottom, let me tell you. It's tough work! : )
     
  17. D_Sal_Manilla

    D_Sal_Manilla Account Disabled

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    Well I'm a bottom. I might top once in the blue moon if I'm really horny.
    I am mostly masculine.
    I don't dress like a fag or talk like one.
    and the only time my queer side comes out is when I'm hanging out with my girlfriends.

    also I too like masculine guys. I don't need no puffs in my life.
     
  18. B_cockluv10

    B_cockluv10 New Member

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    I'm a total bottom with no interest at all in topping and I'm as masculine as they come. To see me in public you would have no idea that I'm queer. I'm pretty rugged and fairly tough. Tough not in a fighting sense, though I used to like to fight, but in the sense of being able to handle difficult situations.
    I'm not only a bottom, I'm a submissive as well. I have a Dom bf and when we're together he is Master and I obey him and serve him without question. Even then my speech and mannerisms are masculine with no hint of femininity.
    As he said when we met, we're queer because we like men. We like the way men look, smell, feel, and act. If he wanted someone femmy he would date women.
     
  19. KIKEMAN29

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    I'm very masculine and a bottom. Just call myself Lucky
     
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