I am a total top.
My experience is a little different, in that I came out later than most gay men today. I knew I liked men starting at puberty, and always found myself far more attracted to the male physique, etc. I lived a bit of a dichotomy, because despite being attracted to men from early in life, I grew up in a very religious, conservative environment that simply didn’t allow acknowledge being gay as an option. I was a very sexual person and always horny as a teen, but in addition to being gay, that same conservative, religious environment was sexually repressed in general, so the whole topic of sex was a bit taboo.
As a teen, I jacked off a lot and would occasionally experiment with anal penetration using objects. I really enjoyed the experience and can understand how bottoms find the experience pleasurable, but it was pretty infrequent and not anything I explored much. As I grew up, I would occasionally jack off with male friends and found any (limited) sexual exposure to other guys incredibly exciting, but everyone I knew was straight, so it never went beyond that. I dated women and fucked some of them.
When I finally had my first sexual experience with a guy in my 30s, I had spent a lot of time in life growing into what were traditionally “male” roles, and I had never really wrapped my head around the idea of being a receptive partner. In fact, when I started dating my first boyfriend (who was a total bottom), on our third or fourth date, after we’d hooked up a few times I looked up how to douche and prepared myself, because I thought you were expected to “take turns”. I told him I thought bottoms were taking dick “to be nice” and that I was being selfish if I didn’t offer to let him fuck me!
I remember him cracking up and telling me that he bottomed because he liked it, in fact he LOVED it. It blew my mind wide open when I realized that people enjoyed getting fucked. As I eased into gay culture, learning about the prevalence of bottoms and complaints of there being too many of them astonished me. I had always heard “getting fucked” as such a pejorative, finding out people liked it often made me chuckle at the irony. I was so inexperienced and green, it’s funny thinking back on it now.
As I continued to date, I stuck with topping and sought out bottoms to be with, because I just loved fucking. In my mind (just in my head - much love to my bottoms out there!), I was a man, and I was built to fuck! My dick was there to penetrate others and I absolutely loved doing it. I tried bottoming a few times with a couple different people, and as an adult, it just didn’t take for me. I found it painful and uncomfortable as opposed to the pleasure I found with my experimentation as a teen. I loved being dominant and actually really hated the idea of losing “control” by bottoming. I like to “take care” of my bottoms, and I actually get super turned on by giving pleasure, even more than receiving it (much like many of the bottoms here have described). I just derive joy from delivering that pleasure by making sure my bottoms feel completely and utterly satisfied. I find it so hot when I bottom begs for my dick or thanks me for fucking them, or let’s me hold them very close and fuck them sensually, because I feel like I have fulfilled my responsibility of caring for, protecting and providing for their needs. I actually kind of made it a challenge for myself to meet guys who were verse, and see if I could fuck them well enough that they only wanted to bottom with me. It turned me on to a bottom creator and find new ways to bring a bottom to ecstasy, despite the fact I was ramming my cock into them - something that to me, and objectively, seemed like it should be miserable.
Fast forward to today, and I’m happily married (to a man). When my husband and I first started dating, he very much considered himself vers and used to tell me the first week or two, that I “would bottom next time”. Didn’t take long before he too turned into a total bottom, and now I don’t even think he could top if he wanted to. I don’t think he would even be able to stay hard, maybe not even get hard. I’m still super horny all the time, and want to have sex more than he wishes I would, but we have fully settled into a fully top/bottom marriage, and we are both super happy with it. In fact, I’ve heard him say when he’s drunk and his inhibitions have lowered a bit, how much he loves everything about bottoming and wouldn’t want anything different. This turns me on even more, as it fulfills my desire to be that dominant, providing, protecting, nurturing top by fucking him senseless. He almost always cums before I do, and when he doesn’t, I don’t even tell him I’ve cummed so that he can feel like he’s being pleasured first.
Our marriage is very equal and certainly more equitable than the traditional male/female relationships I know, but I will say there is a bit of a top/bottom role that manifests itself as a male/female dynamic. Whenever he wants me to do something around the house, carry something heavy, etc., he tells me “You have to do it, because you’re the top” jokingly, of course. I am not saying any of our dynamic is right or wrong. I know some of it may sound outdated or outmoded, and I am definitely not trying to sound like a Neanderthal. I am just sharing what works for us, and how I feel like our sexual roles, does spill over into our nonsexual dynamics. To me, it’s interested from a sociological and anthropological perspective, as I feel the dynamics in same sex relationships are just starting to be studied.
Anyway, long answer to a short question. I’m a total top, and that’s why.