Okay, Ive been holding this inside long enough and I feel its going to take a post on here to get it out. Let me start by saying I know it will never work and I dont have a chance. I should get over this and get it through my head, but Im still very smitten and I have a majorly hard crush. I do apologize because this is going to be quite a ramble if you decide to stay for the whole ride. Now that the preface is over, some background. Im not out to anyone. Well should I be out? Im not really sure that Im gay but I have lots of feelings for men, so I guess Im bi-sexual, maybe bi-curious? I dont know, maybe Im just confused? Ive had these feelings for a long time probably since the first time I saw some pictures of naked men on the internet. Now Im 27. Ive worked at the company Im with right now for 4 years and this whole story gets going about 2 years ago. I was working in a department that shared an area with another and this guy (who Ill change the name for privacy) Tim starts working in our department. When he first started I thought he was a jerk, an asshole and rude as hell. Nearly everyone else thought the same thing within the first 5 seconds of meeting him. Hes an ass because he doesnt think before he talks, but when he works he does a good job and gets things done. Part of it I guess is his maturity level. At the time he was 21 and I was 25. He straight as an arrow, theres no doubt about that. No way in hell hed ever go for any type of guy action. He uses the slang term that the British call cigarettes not liberally but he isnt afraid to use it. He calls his one friend that works at our company that as well, because his friend has been with girls but doesnt take it all the way, so he thinks he has gay tendencies. (Okay, thats another story.) After a few months of getting to know Tim he and I became friendlier and eventually he went out and got a gaming console like I had. I showed him the ropes of the online service and we used to play online usually every Friday night. We had a good time and the commonality of the gaming console allowed us to be better friends and the jerky asshole didnt seem that bad anymore. (Well he still has his moments!) Now Tims got piercing and hes got tattoos both of which I find extremely hot. Were not talking overly tattooed; hes got his name in script on his arm and another design on his bicep both done tastefully. Around that time I started to develop a crush and became quite smitten with him. Id find a reason to walk by his cube and chat up a conversation with him, usually once a day. About every other week a group of us would all go out to lunch together and it was great because he was there. Hes got that tough look and hes not necessarily muscular but hes thick and you can tell hes got some power in that body. He looks incredibly sexy when hes tanned and while not wearing all out expensive clothes he wears some classy brands and knows how to rock a nice pair of jeans and some sunglasses. Now everyone at work pretty much everywhere still hates him. Hes done some stupid shit to almost get himself fired more than enough times. Since hes a good worker that saves his ass and he doesnt get canned. About a year ago the department I worked in moved to another part of the building. I still needed to go back to our old area daily since I had mail that needed to go out every day and the mailroom was in the old area. Id stop by and chat him up when I dropped off the mail and if he went out for a smoke break Id go along too. It was just that he could always cheer up my day if it was going bad. I can tell you to, I could never let any of it show. Like I said hes not very gay friendly and if he found out I had any feelings like this, hed never talk to me again, and likely bash my face in pretty darn hard. A couple months passed and I moved to another department totally and have no need to go to the mailroom. I still see him most of the days at lunch and the occasional time when I step outside for a break. I know this is just a crush and I know Im just smitten, but its so damn hard to know that I probably have feelings for this guy and there is absolutely NO WAY its ever going to be returned. Hes got a pretty stable life being with a girl for the past few years and hes a father as well as they both had a baby about a year and a half ago. He says hes not ready to get married and Im sure his maturity level isnt there yet. He still acts like a kid! Boggles my mind at times . but hes a typical mans man, with his mind on 2 things, women and sex. Normally a post like this would end with What should I do? I already know what I HAVE to do. I have to do NOTHING and as my post says Im torn up inside about it ..