Torn and (Don’t) Know What To Do

[jadedguy69]

Okay, I’ve been holding this inside long enough and I feel it’s going to take a post on here to get it out. Let me start by saying I know it will never work and I don’t have a chance. I should get over this and get it through my head, but I’m still very smitten and I have a majorly hard crush. I do apologize because this is going to be quite a ramble if you decide to stay for the whole ride.

Now that the preface is over, some background. I’m not out to anyone. Well should I be out? I’m not really sure that I’m gay… but I have lots of feelings for men, so I guess I’m bi-sexual, maybe bi-curious? I don’t know, maybe I’m just confused? I’ve had these feelings for a long time probably since the first time I saw some pictures of naked men on the internet. Now I’m 27. I’ve worked at the company I’m with right now for 4 years and this whole story gets going about 2 years ago.

I was working in a department that shared an area with another and this guy (who I’ll change the name for privacy) “Tim” starts working in our department. When he first started I thought he was a jerk, an asshole and rude as hell. Nearly everyone else thought the same thing within the first 5 seconds of meeting him. He’s an ass because he doesn’t think before he talks, but when he works he does a good job and gets things done. Part of it I guess is his maturity level. At the time he was 21 and I was 25. He straight as an arrow, there’s no doubt about that. No way in hell he’d ever go for any type of guy action. He uses the slang term that the British call cigarettes not liberally but he isn’t afraid to use it. He calls his one friend that works at our company that as well, because his friend has been with girls but doesn’t take it all the way, so he thinks he has “gay tendencies.” (Okay, that’s another story.)

After a few months of getting to know Tim he and I became friendlier and eventually he went out and got a gaming console like I had. I showed him the ropes of the online service and we used to play online usually every Friday night. We had a good time and the commonality of the gaming console allowed us to be better friends and the “jerky asshole” didn’t seem that bad anymore. (Well he still has his moments!) Now Tim’s got piercing and he’s got tattoos both of which I find extremely hot. We’re not talking overly tattooed; he’s got his name in script on his arm and another design on his bicep both done tastefully. Around that time I started to develop a crush and became quite smitten with him. I’d find a reason to walk by his cube and chat up a conversation with him, usually once a day. About every other week a group of us would all go out to lunch together and it was great because he was there. He’s got that tough look and he’s not necessarily muscular but he’s thick and you can tell he’s got some power in that body. He looks incredibly sexy when he’s tanned and while not wearing all out expensive clothes he wears some classy brands and knows how to rock a nice pair of jeans and some sunglasses.

Now everyone at work pretty much everywhere still hates him. He’s done some stupid shit to almost get himself fired more than enough times. Since he’s a good worker that saves his ass and he doesn’t get canned. About a year ago the department I worked in moved to another part of the building. I still needed to go back to our old area daily since I had mail that needed to go out every day and the mailroom was in the old area. I’d stop by and chat him up when I dropped off the mail and if he went out for a smoke break I’d go along too. It was just that he could always cheer up my day if it was going bad. I can tell you to, I could never let any of it show. Like I said he’s not very gay friendly and if he found out I had any feelings like this, he’d never talk to me again, and likely bash my face in pretty darn hard.

A couple months passed and I moved to another department totally and have no need to go to the mailroom. I still see him most of the days at lunch and the occasional time when I step outside for a break. I know this is just a crush and I know I’m just smitten, but it’s so damn hard to know that I probably have feelings for this guy and there is absolutely NO WAY it’s ever going to be returned.

He’s got a pretty stable life being with a girl for the past few years and he’s a father as well as they both had a baby about a year and a half ago. He says he’s not ready to get married and I’m sure his maturity level isn’t there yet. He still acts like a kid! Boggles my mind at times…. but he’s a typical man’s man, with his mind on 2 things, women and sex.

Normally a post like this would end with… What should I do? I already know what I HAVE to do. I have to do NOTHING and as my post says I’m torn up inside about it…..

 

[B_cigarbabe]

Well I think you should not approach this guy in any way about sexuality.
You could lose your job over this "crush" and why risk that?
Besides the guy isn't into men so that is also dead.
You should find some men outside of work who are gay or bisexual to see if you really would like to be with a man. Forget about being anything more than friends with Tim.
Best wishes in your search!
cigarbabe:saevil:

 

[B_Nick4444]

nothing you posted indicated sexual feelings

just that you enjoy his company, as a mate

you are aware of his body, and show some admiration, but that is also common to straight blokes

enjoy him as a friend, deepen the relationship as a friend

as a 100% gay, some of my strongest deepest feelings are for my straight mates, as mates, nothing sexual

but who knows, your friendship might blossom into something more ... he may spring a surprise

 

[Bongo7]

Get a dildo and start screwing yourself with it.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

It sucks not being able to have someone you want so bad. Just try your best to control your feelings and enjoy his friendship . Good luck in finding someone you can have.

 

[jadedguy69]

Well I think you should not approach this guy in any way about sexuality.
You could lose your job over this "crush" and why risk that?
Besides the guy isn't into men so that is also dead.
You should find some men outside of work who are gay or bisexual to see if you really would like to be with a man. Forget about being anything more than friends with Tim.
Best wishes in your search!
cigarbabe:saevil:

I would NEVER do anything at work that would risk my job. I know that's a definite no no.

 

[B_Think_Kink]

Yeah this could spell big trouble. Maybe start to look in gay friendly areas in your town hun, getting fired or worse, would not be the best thing for you.

 

[DaveyR]

Don't do anything at all. I can guarantee that in a few months you will wonder why you found him in the least bit attractive

 

[B_cigarbabe]

I was'nt try to imply that you would do anything to risk your job but having had those same kind of crushes myself sometimes you make your feelings known and when they aren't reciprocal, they could spread rumours at work to hurt you.
You did say he is/was an asshole.
Just be careful.
C.B.:saevil:

 

[yhtang]

Don't do anything at all. I can guarantee that in a few months you will wonder why you found him in the least bit attractive

I think this might be a good test. Let's see if "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or if it is a case of "out of sight, out of mind".

I suppose the greatest fear is that it might just be a case of forbidden fruit, in which case the consequences would not be worth your while.

Best of luck to you.

 

[D_Rod Staffinbone]

this stuff happens, there have been other threads on this site about
this sort of thing.

you've gotten good advice here already. accept him as only a friend.

if you think you might be bisexual find someone else who already knows
and has accepted that they are gay or bisexual. it's a lot less painful, and won't
ruin a perfectly good friendship. if the guy is a homophobe you may drift apart
anyway.

there are a lot of great guys out there.
be safe.


offroad

 

[sam_solo26]

Yeah you got something bad. Mancrush, bromance, homo crush, whatever you think it is. I can't judge. Thanks a lot for typing the story though. I enjoyed reading it, and I'm sure you probably enjoyed the slight weight that might have been lifted after getting all of this down. I'm not really gonna give you advice since that won't really help you I think. The best I can say is that time and less exposure to the individual heals most things. Don't find excuses to keep needlessly seeing him. If you catch him online or at lunch, be friendly. But I wouldn't even meet with him outside of work if I were you. You need to find a new obsession.

 

[boomerguy]

Never fall in love with a straight guy. You'll only end up frustrated. BTDT. Won't do it again.

 

[D_Rod Staffinbone]

Never fall in love with a straight guy. You'll only end up frustrated. BTDT. Won't do it again.

still getting all the text lingo down. hey me too BTDT. never again.
still feeling the reverbs from that years later.

offroad

 

[killerb]

I say avoid the guy...
no sense torturing yourself by being around him...
focus your attention on someone who is actually available to you...

regarding you not being sure of your sexuality, here's a clue...who do you think about when you're jacking off?

you will know for sure once you allow yourself to do what feels natural and good to you...without stressing over what you think it means or what others may think about it...

 

[nudeyorker]

Why can't you just be friends? I have gay and straight friends I'm never going to have sex with! That does not mean I don't find them sexy or fun or whatever... Friends are friends!

 

[B_Nick8]

This situation has trouble written all over it, but then you know that. Painful as it is, and everyone's been there with unrequited crushes, walk away.

 

[2322]

He straight as an arrow, there’s no doubt about that. No way in hell he’d ever go for any type of guy action. He uses the slang term that the British call cigarettes not liberally but he isn’t afraid to use it. He calls his one friend that works at our company that as well, because his friend has been with girls but doesn’t take it all the way, so he thinks he has “gay tendencies.” (Okay, that’s another story.)

I think you've answered things here. Frequently the most overtly homophobic people are those who can't accept that they may have homosexual urges. That doesn't mean these people are closet homos, it just means they get homosexual urges and those could range from rare occasions to all the time.

There is a situation that occurs with straight guys. You get the guy alone, the magic happens, and you end up doing something sexual together. The next day he feels so guilty and ashamed of himself that he decides to believe that you seduced him with your Gay-O-Matic ray and then he becomes very angry with YOU. Guys have been bashed and even killed for it.

If you want to risk it, and I don't think you should, find another job first. You're a walking sexual harassment suit if you decide to approach him and he rejects you. You'll be fired even before you know what happened.

 

[jadedguy69]

Thanks for all advice. As I said in my post I realize that there is nothing I can do to make anything happen between "Tim" and me. I rationally know that in my mind, but still I am attracted to him, have a "man crush," "bromance," "fond admiration" or whatever you want to call it for him.

As jason_els has said, I wouldn't want to risk anything happening between us, because he does have a somewhat unreliable temper and I couldn't predict what would happen. I know some of the other folks he hangs around outside of work would definitely come to his defense if anything were to happen and I'd have the shit beat out of me.

A few posts back someone asked who I think about when I want to rub one off... well it's men. I'm attracted sexually to men, but it's not like I have a problem being with a woman, it just does nothing for me sexually. There's no spark, no feeling... just like I'm "going through the motions." Now of course if I were with a man there are at least some things sexually that I would NOT do and whoever I was with would have to accept that and my boundaries. I clearly know that I have every right to control how I use my body.

I saw a few other people suggest that I go to some "gay friendly areas" in my town. Unfortunately I live in really small town, which has no "gay friendly areas," let alone a gay friendly street! I do live near a larger city that I could go to find some folks to hang out with. I'm not really into the club scene so that really isn't the way I'd like to go either.

I guess the real problem is that I have not yet fully accepted or want to accept whether I may be bi-sexual. Until I accept that, I don't want to give any indication to the world that I may feel that way. To me once you go that step, you can't go back, you can't change things and many folks will never look at you the same way again and it can limit paths that you might want to take in your life. I've got high aspirations, or at least hope they pan out someday. Still waiting for that right time to come!

Of course I know that living closeted an entire life is not the way to go either. You can't fully express yourself, you can't really feel that you've lived your life, because in essence you've lived a lie your whole life. How damn depressing would it be to go back and realize that your entire life was lived as a lie?

I do apologize getting too (or somewhat) philosophical... I guess it's the nature of the beast with having at least some anonymity here; I can really unload all the thoughts and emotions that come streaming through in a sort of stream of consciousness writing.

 

[2322]

Beautifully said.

What you're feeling is very common. Acceptance is tough sometimes. I've found that acceptance comes from experience and confidence. You become more secure in yourself and that allows you to not care so much what others think. When that happens, you'll find self-acceptance coming naturally.