Trouble Getting Hard for Hookups

dreambridger

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I love a quick hook up, I've had my best sexual experiences that way, but I always have to bottom because I almost never get hard for someone I don't know very well. I kind of wish I could change that because I fantasize about topping and feeding people my cum a lot but I've only been able to do that with guys i'm dating.

has anyone else experienced this, and do they have any advice?
 

LPSG Simon

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It just may well be that certain types of experiences only work for you in certain contexts. It's not uncommon, and cant be forced. It can be worked on so that each type of experience can be better when it does happen (practice makes perfect!).
 

Brodie888

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Most likely you are simply over thinking or anxious in that moment. The more you dwell on it, the more it becomes a habit / self fulfilling prophecy.

The answer is usually more foreplay so you can relax, warm up and just be in the moment and enjoy.
 

Andrej_u

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I love a quick hook up, I've had my best sexual experiences that way, but I always have to bottom because I almost never get hard for someone I don't know very well. I kind of wish I could change that because I fantasize about topping and feeding people my cum a lot but I've only been able to do that with guys i'm dating.

has anyone else experienced this, and do they have any advice?
I think it is very common! It surely happened to me a lot of times that I could not get hard in a hookup. For this reason, I always try to create a bit of a connection before meeting someone, even if it's a one-time fuck. My worst fucks were when I was hooking up with incredibly attractive guys, and I decided to ignore the red flags and meet them even if the connection was off: I didn't get hard.
In your situation, I would try the same: creating a connection is a bit more of an investment and it takes longer, but it would help give you a bit of confidence as well.

Like, literally, when you chat with a potential hookup, I think you should tell them that you sometimes struggle with erection. If they don't want to meet anymore... Their loss. If they say "it doesn't matter", then you lifted a huge weight off your chest, and you have a space where you can experiment without the pressure of not having to "fail".

Another thing you can try to do is more practical: try to identify the things that inhibit your erection, and try to tackle them one by one. Think of your mind as a RAM memory: 30% of it is occupied by the rough day at work, 15% is occupied by the turnoff of having to put the condom, 20% by his hole being tight and you're not hard enough to push through, 15% by you being worried about entering too harsh... And then you have very little space left.

Rough day at work? Have one glass of wine (not more) to forget. Condom is annoying and makes you lose the erection? I usually eat his ass while I'm putting the condom, and it compensates. Is his hole very tight? Play with it gently with your fingers, or a dildo. And so on. If there's good communication, all these things are fun!
 

UncleCreepster

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This website has been the greatest source of "Oh my God I'm not the ONLY ONE" experiences in my life. This question is another one of those experiences.

I'd say 80% of the sexual encounters I've had I did not have an orgasm or an erection. I require some sort of emotional intimacy (it doesn't have to be "True Love") in order to get there, and that's OK.
 

playklax01

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I require some sort of emotional intimacy (it doesn't have to be "True Love") in order to get there, and that's OK.

I'm the same way. I consider myself to be demisexual, so I need some sort of emotional connection with the person before I even find them sexually attractive. It doesn't have to be deep, just something with a little substance. Not that I haven't done hookups, I'm just really not into them at all. Typically I can't perform and can't finish in those situations.
 
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dreambridger

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Interesting. Yeah I definitely don't consider myself demisexual, if anything I'm aromantic. It's more about just being able to be relaxed around the guy, not necessarily having a connection with them (I'm not sure I've ever had a "connection" with someone I've slept with, so I don't know what it's like). A lot of hook ups are in a hurry, and I think that's a big part of why it's difficult. I think if there were just a little bit more patience things would be easier.