I love a quick hook up, I've had my best sexual experiences that way, but I always have to bottom because I almost never get hard for someone I don't know very well. I kind of wish I could change that because I fantasize about topping and feeding people my cum a lot but I've only been able to do that with guys i'm dating.
has anyone else experienced this, and do they have any advice?
I think it is very common! It surely happened to me a lot of times that I could not get hard in a hookup. For this reason, I always try to create a bit of a connection before meeting someone, even if it's a one-time fuck. My worst fucks were when I was hooking up with incredibly attractive guys, and I decided to ignore the red flags and meet them even if the connection was off: I didn't get hard.
In your situation, I would try the same: creating a connection is a bit more of an investment and it takes longer, but it would help give you a bit of confidence as well.
Like, literally, when you chat with a potential hookup, I think you should tell them that you sometimes struggle with erection. If they don't want to meet anymore... Their loss. If they say "it doesn't matter", then you lifted a huge weight off your chest, and you have a space where you can experiment without the pressure of not having to "fail".
Another thing you can try to do is more practical: try to identify the things that inhibit your erection, and try to tackle them one by one. Think of your mind as a RAM memory: 30% of it is occupied by the rough day at work, 15% is occupied by the turnoff of having to put the condom, 20% by his hole being tight and you're not hard enough to push through, 15% by you being worried about entering too harsh... And then you have very little space left.
Rough day at work? Have one glass of wine (not more) to forget. Condom is annoying and makes you lose the erection? I usually eat his ass while I'm putting the condom, and it compensates. Is his hole very tight? Play with it gently with your fingers, or a dildo. And so on. If there's good communication, all these things are fun!