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Trouble Keeping Hard after Boyfriend Cheated

LPwannabe

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I am in a 3 year supposedly committed relationship and recently found out my partner has cheated on me. Not only the occasional sex at a few other men's homes, but also frequenting a local park with areas men jerk off and have sex. Now all I can think about when we have sex is him with the other men. Oral sex is going OK, but when I try to fuck him I can't keep hard, even with Viagra and Cialis, and alcohol. My fear is that I obviously wasn't keeping him happy before, so I know he is definitely not satisfied now. Even though I have always been open to having a threesome or other adventurous things, and we have talked about it. We have gone to counseling, and it helped get us to stay together, but not in the sex category. I just had this idea his ass was mine and now feel like I am being compared to these other men. Has anyone gone through this and got "it" back?
 

D_ Jack_Soffalotte

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It will happen, the good thing is that you can be reasonably sure that the problem is psychological. Once your head is back in the right place it will happen for you. I would recommend that you stop the alcohol though since that is more likely to make the problem worse, not better.
 

helgaleena

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I think your body is trying to tell you something. You need a boyfriend that actually has the hots for you and wants You, not just a convenient lay. Trust has been broken and it has a real effect on your entire being.

Don't force your body to have sex when it doesn't want to, and let this cheater know he contributed to the problem. How he responds will be very instructive.

Evidently you presumed monogamy was part of your relationship and he did not. That needs renegotiating.

Edit: you say you have been willing to do 3some but he still chose to sneak and lie. That is a big red flag.
 
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LaFemme

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Woman or man, the way you feel is completely normal. Despite the fact that the two of you have decided to stay together and work on the relationship, it is going to take your body some time to catch up to the decision your mind has made.

I agree with the above poster - you can get it back, but give up the alcohol. I hope you are still seeing the therapist too. At this point, I'm not sure the two of you should be having sex. This may be a time when you need to work on building trust. The fact that he went outside the relationship for sex may have nothing to do with you (even though it feels that way) and more to do with him (fear of commitment, need for risk, need to hurt himself - a thousand different things).

Working through cheating in a relationship is one of the most painful things you will ever do in a relationship; but it can be so worth it. But if this isn't going to work.....cut your losses and find someone who realizes your true worth. Good luck and *hugs* to you.
 
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MrToolhung

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I have to agree with helgaleena that your terms for you relationship needs to be renegotiated. It sounds like you have an open mind but the lying to you is what is effecting you more then anything. I am sure if he would have said that he was going to meet someone for the very reason of sex you probably would have been more open to the idea. Good luck to you.
 

silvertriumph2

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Sorry, and I know you will not want to hear it...but that relationship was headed for disaster from the very beginning. You say you were open to an "open relationship like 3somes and
other adventures." How is that a "committed" relationship?

I believe your idea of a committed relationship and his are not aligned. In admitting to him that you would allow others in with
you...to me, does not seem to be committed relationship. It
seems more like a roommate whom you will occasionally "share" with others...in order to satisfy him (or maybe you?). Was that part of the original deal 3 years ago?

What is he thinking? Is he not worrying about what he might bring home to you from those assignations in parks and with unknown men? I would never allow that, or do that to a partner.

I think you deserve better, but also think you need to reconsider your definition of what is a "committed relationship."

Now, about keeping a hard. What you have gone through would deflate any normal man's penis. You have been hurt...so that problem is in your head and will take time to heal.

Good luck....I wish the beat for you..
 

LPwannabe

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Thanks for the supportive replies. Here is some more info to help clarify things. Regarding the cheating there are several factors which I and our therapist feel contributed to some degree. He is 20 years younger and I am (proudly) his first actual boyfriend/relationship. I am of the sort that wants to be around my partner al the time, sometimes smothering them. He had immigrated from the Philippines just a few months before we met and has a preference for older American men with little time to play the field.

As for the sex, I am definitely not having it when I don't want to. Honestly, I can't keep my hands off of him and he has always been really into me sexually. Oral sex has been really hot with no trouble. When I try to explain how I feel about fucking, he tells me I lost my confidence and need to regain it. Recently, he hasn't wanted to be fucked and is not into it like before. Instead of taking the pressure away this only makes things worse in my mind and worried he is getting it somewhere else.

Regarding the commitment and sexual adventures, I have always been very adventurous. I have had two other LTRs, one older man and one younger woman, each longer than ten years, and had experiences like threesomes to help keep things fresh. My current partner and I have talked about these things from the beginning and agreed to keep our sex exclusive, but with options open.

At this point, I spend alot of time and energy trying to please him and this has changed the relationship dynamic. He is right in saying that my confidence is shot to hell, and I can't figure out how to regain it.
 

meschka

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People just love sex. Not personal things just sex. I'm sure he loves you
 

LPwannabe

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Yeah I get that people love sex...how do you explain someone who tells you from the beginning that they have much less need than yourself, you get intimate almost daily which usually leads to sex, but are understanding when it doesn't, are open to anything they want sexually including experiencing others together...yet you find out they are frequently cheating on you?
 

psguy64

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This happened to me. Read all the above, happened to me in year 9 of a
10 yr committed relationship. With professional therapy and support
of friends including lots of conversation within the relationship - nothing
could repair the damage. I gave it 150% and with Dr. Phil's loud words
that I want to keep the relationship and tried so very hard ' to get
beyond' -- nothing worked including so much lost sleep due to reoccuring
bad dreams. I could not fool myself nor him...everything ended 6-mths
later as I could think to forgive but could not forget. It has been 6-short
yrs and I'm still trying to find a relationship that I need and want and
capable of.

I wish the best to you and anyone else under similar conditions. Follow your heart and soul with knowing
a lot about yourself that the lead.
 
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Stephenmass

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I have nothing against the age difference in your relationship LP so don't take this the wrong way. At one point in the beginning the age difference didn't mean anything but as time goes on I think a younger guy like himself may be left wondering maybe what sex with guys around his age is like? Not all younger guys are like this, but some are. His not wanting anal sex, is this something new that developed? That could mean two things. One, he may be unsure of his status at this point regarding STD's, etc. Secondly, if you haven't already, please go and get yourself tested (maybe along with him) to see if both of you are still clean in that aspect. I wish you the best. My previous relationship was a "cheating" one. Trust and respect gets shattered. In my case I could never trust him again; nor did he deserve my trust at that point. I didn't deserve his cheating and immediately wanted out when it happened. I haven't looked back and have no regrets about leaving either.
 

dolfette

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your body is trying to tell your brain something.
i agree with your body.
 

poultrygeist

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OP, I hope that you can find a way to work out your problems together and fall back in love again, or else find someone who is worthy of your trust. Good luck man. You deserve to have someone who values you.
 

helgaleena

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As for the sex, I am definitely not having it when I don't want to. Honestly, I can't keep my hands off of him and he has always been really into me sexually. Oral sex has been really hot with no trouble. When I try to explain how I feel about fucking, he tells me I lost my confidence and need to regain it. Recently, he hasn't wanted to be fucked and is not into it like before. Instead of taking the pressure away this only makes things worse in my mind and worried he is getting it somewhere else.

Regarding the commitment and sexual adventures, I have always been very adventurous. I have had two other LTRs, one older man and one younger woman, each longer than ten years, and had experiences like threesomes to help keep things fresh. My current partner and I have talked about these things from the beginning and agreed to keep our sex exclusive, but with options open.


I have bolded two parts of your reply that are significant. The first bolded section contradicts the second one-- can you recognize this? You say you keep options open, so why are you full of fear that he might be 'getting it somewhere else'?

The answer is that you are okay with the idea of open relationship, but that requires complete honesty from you both, and he has a proven record of hiding things. So even when he is exclusive with you, you have no reason to believe it's true.

It is also significant that he does not want to be fucked, so of course it's reasonable of you to lose your boner if you were planning to use it for that. In fact it is not a problem unless you label it a problem to want to disregard his wishes! No, staying hard is not the problem, lack of desire is not the problem, dishonest beloved is the problem. The best sex in the world cannot fix that.
 

LPwannabe

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Helga--you misunderstood the two parts on which you commented, but I am beginning to understand what my psyche is doing to me. To clarify, he has always been a total bottom, really into getting fucked. Now he says he is more into oral. Sudden change, unexplanable. Also, when I said keeping options open I meant three ways, voyeurism, etc. Not open relationship. I have been very clear about being together while exploring and nothing without the other. Furthermore, we recently went to Toronto and visited some male nude strip bars where the guys make their money with private "dances". We ended up having a stern discussion about the private dance thing because he was not happy simply being together watching nude men. Even though we had sex together (oral) every single day. I'm figuring that no matter how much I pamper him with attention, touching, and sex, I will never be enough for him. At this point I need to figure out how much I can really take before reaching a breaking point.

For the one that posted his similar experience (sorry, new here and can't figure out how to go back a page to get your display name) I, too, am having periodic dreams of him with other men and keep getting premonitions that he is continuing the destructive behavior. As a matter of fact I am sure that the few times he has been out of the house without me, he has returned to that Godforsaken park for a quickie encounter.

Here are the complications--we bought a house together, I have a 6 year old son who also loves him, and my business has slowed down considerably hindering my ability to move on singly...all not completely insurmountable, but very difficult nonetheless.
 
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helgaleena

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He's doing something very risky, in the park there. Not good to have your son growing up with that behavior anywhere near him. Do whatever is best for your son, is my advice now that you include him in the picture.
 

molotovmuffin

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Helga--you misunderstood the two parts on which you commented, but I am beginning to understand what my psyche is doing to me. To clarify, he has always been a total bottom, really into getting fucked. Now he says he is more into oral. Sudden change, unexplanable. Also, when I said keeping options open I meant three ways, voyeurism, etc. Not open relationship. I have been very clear about being together while exploring and nothing without the other. Furthermore, we recently went to Toronto and visited some male nude strip bars where the guys make their money with private "dances". We ended up having a stern discussion about the private dance thing because he was not happy simply being together watching nude men. Even though we had sex together (oral) every single day. I'm figuring that no matter how much I pamper him with attention, touching, and sex, I will never be enough for him. At this point I need to figure out how much I can really take before reaching a breaking point.

For the one that posted his similar experience (sorry, new here and can't figure out how to go back a page to get your display name) I, too, am having periodic dreams of him with other men and keep getting premonitions that he is continuing the destructive behavior. As a matter of fact I am sure that the few times he has been out of the house without me, he has returned to that Godforsaken park for a quickie encounter.

Here are the complications--we bought a house together, I have a 6 year old son who also loves him, and my business has slowed down considerably hindering my ability to move on singly...all not completely insurmountable, but very difficult nonetheless.
You do like to make excuses for him, don't you? The lack of anal sex is probably because he now has an STD and you should probably get tested.

He's cheating on you and you really need to move on.
 

MeinTeil

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Not only the occasional sex at a few other men's homes,

but also frequenting a local park with areas men jerk off and have sex.

He is 20 years younger

I am of the sort that wants to be around my partner al the time, sometimes smothering them

He had immigrated from the Philippines just a few months before we met

I spend alot of time and energy trying to please him

I'm figuring that no matter how much I pamper him with attention, touching, and sex, I will never be enough for him.

I am sure that the few times he has been out of the house without me, he has returned to that Godforsaken park for a quickie encounter.

we bought a house together

Assessment:

  • He's using you.
  • You're smothering him.
 

dolfette

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i wonder what the hell sport of relationship therapist would tell you this would work out...
 

B_crackoff

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For God's sake don't watch Death in Venice!

"Passion as confusion & degradation".

I've seen an identical situation myself - it didn't end well & dragged on in chaos for years.
I feel for you, you must be going through some terrible emotions, but they won't mend or end until you move on. You've got a child to consider - that will last - you know yourself that this relationship won't.

Fear is worse than the truth; when something happens that you've been expecting for a long time it's almost like a pair of paralyzing pliers has been removed from your head. I'm hopeless at ending relationships myself, but you won't get back to the person you truly are until this has ended - & life is too short.

It's not like you don't have other people to turn to is it?
 
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