Troubles with friendship and potensial dating

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Dragon88, Aug 18, 2010.

  1. Dragon88

    Dragon88 New Member

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    I met this guy online two weeks ago and have been talking to him every day on msn. He doesn't live far from me and we will probably meet really soon. I think he is great, at least based on our long talks online.

    But now, something has happened. He told me that he had been on a date with another guy he met online as well. Since I've never met him, I didn't think it would be a problem, but this bothers me... a lot. Because I like him, which I haven't told him, since we haven't met face to face. At the same time, he told me that he still would like to meet me, since it's not that serious with this other boy yet and he feels that he is more unsafe compared to me. On the other hand, he has also expressed that he likes this boy. Should I feel as hurt as I am because he met another boy? Should I still meet him and try to get him, or just give up?

    I like him and would love to meet him and get to know each other better, and I'm already thinking about how I'm going to "take" him from this other boy... Someone else with online dating experience? I don't know why and how, but I have developed some kind of liking to him... is it weird?
     
  2. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Umm . . . you haven't even met him in RL yet and certainly don't have any kind of monogamous relationship. You don't have any right to be getting jealous if he meets someone else.
     
  3. Dragon88

    Dragon88 New Member

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    omg, what a stupid answer... i can't control my feelings in any way... you don't understand :mad: "it's not my right"???
     
  4. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Lemme reword it. It isn't fair to this "boy" that you are getting jealous when you're not in a monogamous relationship. In my opinion, tell him you like him. Say, "I didn't expect to be jealous about this, but I think I kind of am." Most people would take it as a compliment. My last three serious relationships have been long distance and online, so I understand what you're going through.
     
  5. scyguy46

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    I think your response to subgirrl suggests that you only want hear what you want to hear so why bother posting if you're not open to anyones suggestions! You asked if you should feel hurt and she gave her opinion so why ask if you only wanted positive response that validated your feelings? I agree with her unless he promised to be monogamous already why would you expect him not to see others you haven't met him and people can be totally different in person. You can feel hurt but that shouldn't stop you from seeing him, if it bothers you tell him but on a first date/meeting this may come across as a little presumptuous best kept to yourself until you have a longer relationship or you might loose him after first meeting. You also said that you can't control your feelings but you don't have to express them so openly on a first meeting better to be more reserved or else you may scare him off if you're so head over heals for him and he isn't that way just yet. If it's meant to be it will grow.
     
  6. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Yep, it's not your right. Your feelings aren't unusual by any means, but at this point in your relationship you have no in say in what he does. Right now he has no obligation to be 'faithful' to you.
     
  7. Dragon88

    Dragon88 New Member

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    But he asked ME not to sleep with anyone or get involved with someone up until we meet, and since he expects this, I will expect that he does the same... Anyway, I shouldn't have asked, because everybody obviously doesn't understand my situation.

    And of course, I can't tell me what to do or not to do, and I will not tell him anything about this, but I wanted response to my FEELINGS and how to COPE with this situation, not an bombardment... jeez...
     
  8. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Now this changes things entirely. It is reasonable in this situation for you to expect monogamy, as long as you have told HIM that that is what you expect.


    How can we understand if you don't give us all the relevant information? You did not tell us that you had had a conversation about faithfulness. We can only work with the information YOU give us.


    My response WAS about your feelings.

    If you post a thread on the internet, you get both the responses you DO want and the ones you DON'T, some responses will be positive and supportive of your feelings and actions, some will be less so. If you don't want opinions, don't post.
     
  9. Dragon88

    Dragon88 New Member

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    it didn't feel as your response was about my feelings. but about me as a person. and of course i want another person's opinion, or else i wouldn't have posted this thread, and now i regret... just forget the whole damn thing!
     
  10. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Let's clear the slate and start again, yeh? :smile:

    Here's my advice based on the info you've given us since your first post.


    1) If you have actually told him that you want monogamy from him already:

    He either didn't listen to you, didn't care, or has relationship requirements that don't match yours. Terminate the relationship now and DO NOT go to meet him. He obviously doesn't have what you are looking for in a relationship.


    2) If you haven't told him that you want monogamy and just assumed that he would know you felt this way because he asked you to be monogamous:

    Tell him that you assumed he would be monogamous because he asked it of you. Apologise for not being clearer about your feelings and requirements in the first place. Tell him that you would like him to be monogamous and that open relationships don't work for you.

    If he doesn't give you a response you like, go back to 1).

    And as you wanted your feelings addressed :smile:: I would be pissed if I'd said I wanted monogamy and the person met someone else. Oh and I think you asked if it was weird that you'd come to like him - no, it isn't weird at all! I have met a number of people online who I would be tempted to start a relationship with if they weren't on the other side of the world and/or attached. Friendships made online are as real as those made anywhere else.
     
  11. Dragon88

    Dragon88 New Member

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    thank you so much for the advice! :smile: i'll try it! and sorry for the bad start btw :tongue:
     
  12. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    It's all good :smile:. Hope it all works out for you :smile:
     
  13. D_Ezdras Dingledonger

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    This is very common, and it's actually a good thing this happened now instead of later down the line. Basically, he is interested in you but wants to keep his options open. This is an invitation for you to get closer, but to also be on your guard in case he doesn't take your interactions as seriously as you do. So I guess have fun but be ready to keep some distance if needed, and whatever you do, don't get emotionally attached yet.
     
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