True Dating Market Value

[Smooth88]

I'm not sure why the book made you "hopping mad." I tend to see the world this way. That is just the way my mind can make sense of things. When men have asked "what do you bring to the table" in the women's forum there have been angry responses, like "how dare you ask such questions?"

I believe most people overestimate their worth. This is called the "above average effect" or Lake Wobegon effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. From that page:

One College Board survey asked 829,000 high school seniors to rate themselves in a number of ways. When asked to rate their own ability to "get along with others", fewer than one percent rated themselves as below average. Furthermore, sixty percent rated themselves in the top ten percent, and one-fourth of respondents rated themselves in the top one percent.
​

Also, most people rate themselves as above average drivers and very few think they are below average. And I bet most people would think they are above average lovers.

I notice people seem to downplay or dismiss their bad qualities. Like people that get mad and yell and argue will say "everybody does that sometimes" or "that's normal in relationships."

Personally, I've often wondered what my equivalent in a female would be. I don't want to overestimate my value, but I don't want to underestimate either. I've asked men and women, but can never get a good answer. Your market value is not an easy subject to discuss with others.

And even though I believe a lot of this market value stuff makes sense there is also the idea of chemistry. Two people may not have equivalent market values, but say they both share the same rare hobbies. Then they can make up for any difference in market value. So I think it's a combination of how good you are "on paper" and how well you get along with a particular person (intangibles). But many people will take that to mean market value means nothing which is not true.

I'm probably in that one percent who feel they dont get along with others. I tend to notice from who I'm around (which is for the most part suburban black teens/young adults from North Jersey) I noticed a lot of them tend to gravitate toward guys theyd like to be seen with i.e. pretty boys or thug types or someone who clearly has money.

It always seemed to me that nowadays women have all the power in who they date and/or sleep with. I'm a shy, really quiet (afraid to talk in some situations), kinda nerdy guy who really doesn't have much confidence in himself. Because I was one of the targets in high school and to this day I struggle with keeping myself up and being proactive and socializing in a basic sense. I'm a nice, educated, decent looking guy but the lack of positive attention and reinforcement from people whether it be family or the people I encounter on a day-by-day basis has kinda sapped the confidence I had in myself if I ever had any in the first place. I do have confidence that I could be a good, caring, and loving boyfriend but I don't have the confidence and in some respects the social skills needed to attract women in real life. I get hit on a lot on this site but I've never been eyed or hit on by a single woman ever.

My family and friends wonder I can't get a girlfriend to the point where my mom tries to matchmaker for me. And my friends wonder why I obsess over having a girlfriend which is really because I've never really had a loving relationship to where we both were actually into each other. I do try to talk to people but I end up scaring girls away for the most part and they never seem into me at any time at all. People don't gravitate towards me at all so a lot of the time I overdo it with phone calls or IMs because I never recieve any of either except from maybe 2 people so its like I have to bambard people to make it known that I'm alive and that I exist and that I'm your friend.

Essentially I live a lonely existence. People will tell me someone will come. But I doubt it. And I sometimes feel like giving up on love.

 

[327508]

I'm probably in that one percent who feel they dont get along with others. I tend to notice from who I'm around (which is for the most part suburban black teens/young adults from North Jersey) I noticed a lot of them tend to gravitate toward guys theyd like to be seen with i.e. pretty boys or thug types or someone who clearly has money.

It always seemed to me that nowadays women have all the power in who they date and/or sleep with. I'm a shy, really quiet (afraid to talk in some situations), kinda nerdy guy who really doesn't have much confidence in himself. Because I was one of the targets in high school and to this day I struggle with keeping myself up and being proactive and socializing in a basic sense. I'm a nice, educated, decent looking guy but the lack of positive attention and reinforcement from people whether it be family or the people I encounter on a day-by-day basis has kinda sapped the confidence I had in myself if I ever had any in the first place. I do have confidence that I could be a good, caring, and loving boyfriend but I don't have the confidence and in some respects the social skills needed to attract women in real life. I get hit on a lot on this site but I've never been eyed or hit on by a single woman ever.

My family and friends wonder I can't get a girlfriend to the point where my mom tries to matchmaker for me. And my friends wonder why I obsess over having a girlfriend which is really because I've never really had a loving relationship to where we both were actually into each other. I do try to talk to people but I end up scaring girls away for the most part and they never seem into me at any time at all. People don't gravitate towards me at all so a lot of the time I overdo it with phone calls or IMs because I never recieve any of either except from maybe 2 people so its like I have to bambard people to make it known that I'm alive and that I exist and that I'm your friend.

Essentially I live a lonely existence. People will tell me someone will come. But I doubt it. And I sometimes feel like giving up on love.

An hero.

 

[SpeedoGuy]

Smooth88:

Would changing the company you keep make a difference in your social and relationship satisfaction? Can you make a fresh start by shedding past baggage and re-inventing yourself by moving to a new locale? Joining a totally new gym? Making new friends with new clubs/hobbies? Going to school somewhere else?

Such changes went a long way toward improving my confidence and self image. In new circumstances and with new friends I was able to more clearly identify and then correct my own self-defeating tendencies. The results were farther reaching than I imagined.

 

[Ethyl]

Smooth88:

Would changing the company you keep make a difference in your social and relationship satisfaction? Can you make a fresh start by shedding past baggage and re-inventing yourself by moving to a new locale? Joining a totally new gym? Making new friends with new clubs/hobbies? Going to school somewhere else?

Such changes went a long way toward improving my confidence and self image. In new circumstances and with new friends I was able to more clearly identify and then correct my own self-defeating tendencies. The results were farther reaching than I imagined.

I'm reminded of something AlteredEgo once said: Same always brings same (paraphrased). She's right. I find when things seem difficult, depressing, or messy in my life, gaining new perspective by doing something - anything - new (what I find myself needing right now) is the best medicine for broadening my horizons and draws new events and people into my life. It's a great way to find clarity and inspiration. I try to remind myself that inspiration changes us and draws people to us. People enjoy and want to be with others who dream and pursue those dreams.

 

[nudeyorker]

I agree with so many of the well thought out comments made here, however I disagree with some others as well. I think that our perceptions of our selves are formed from late childhood into early adulthood. But what we do with our strengths and or in how we relate to other people change. What we can bring to the table will change as we evolve into adult hood.
I have more to offer now than I did twenty years ago ( I was more handsome then) But I was never looking for someone who only cared about just the outside.
As an example I went to a High school reunion and it dawned on me that some people reached their peak senior year and others blossomed and grew. The choices are ours, but if we view ourselves objectively I feel that we see ourselves the way the world does.
I spent a great deal of time "dating" and I was constantly asked "Why are you not in a relationship...you are a catch" The answer...I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
I have said for years don't listen to what the advertisers on Madison Avenue dictate what is pretty or right. You and you alone can make that decision. A few years ago I was at a resort and there were many people Europe and South America there, they did not fit the American profile of thin and nipped and tucked... But they were happy and the laughter still rings in my ears. It was the most beautiful group of people I have spent time with in a long time

 

[nicenycdick]

I think the "market" affects most of what we experience as humans. I remember when, at the age of 21, I moved from NYC to LA to go to law school. All of a sudden, I was no longer the nerdy but funny guy on the block, but a sophisticated, sarcastic, classy and wordly guy from a great comopolitan city. I changed the market and it changed me....forever. I have felt with amazing clarity the power the market has over your sense of self. There is something to be said for moving to a new place and building the "new you". The only question you have to ask it: Which me is me?

 

[nudeyorker]

I think the "market" affects most of what we experience as humans. I remember when, at the age of 21, I moved from NYC to LA to go to law school. All of a sudden, I was no longer the nerdy but funny guy on the block, but a sophisticated, sarcastic, classy and wordly guy from a great comopolitan city. I changed the market and it changed me....forever. I have felt with amazing clarity the power the market has over your sense of self. There is something to be said for moving to a new place and building the "new you". The only question you have to ask it: Which me is me?

How funny...the same thing happened to me but I moved from LA to NY. No one took me seriously until I moved away from friends and family and took a walk down a new path.

 

[SpeedoGuy]

I try to remind myself that inspiration changes us and draws people to us. People enjoy and want to be with others who dream and pursue those dreams.

Bingo.

That's what I meant when I said the results were more than I imagined.

When I moved to my present locale I was totally alone. But I made new friends and gained a new life, including a wife. I became close to her family and found, despite my sometimes mediocre image of myself, that her sisters looked up to me because they considered me travelled, educated, athletic, and one who sets goals to strive for. I was somewhat flattered by this attention but really thought nothing much more about it.

To my surprise, several of those sisters quit their unrewarding jobs, began taking night classes, joined gyms, travelled, took risks, and lived life more fully than they had before. I was astounded by the changes I observed.

Is it possible that the changes sought for oneself can actually inspire others as well? I'd like to hope so because it would be very good news for all of us.

 

[nudeyorker]

Bingo.

That's what I meant when I said the results were more than I imagined.

When I moved to my present locale I was totally alone. But I made new friends and gained a new life, including a wife. I became close to her family and found, despite my sometimes mediocre image of myself, that her sisters looked up to me because they considered me travelled, educated, athletic, and one who sets goals to strive for. I was somewhat flattered by this attention but really thought nothing much more about it.

To my surprise, several of those sisters quit their unrewarding jobs, began taking night classes, joined gyms, travelled, took risks, and lived life more fully than they had before. I was astounded by the changes I observed.

Is it possible that the changes sought for oneself can actually inspire others as well? I'd like to hope so because it would be very good news for all of us.

This story made my day!

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Hi,

years ago I read a book that made me hopping mad, but it also made me think. In it the psychologist was saying that each of us has a market value on the dating scene. It is based on a number of things that we bring to the table. Some of them were: Status, Age, Physical attractiveness, intelligence, Social clout, education, Gender, Race, etc. He felt that problems arose in dating when there was a disparity between what we thought our market value was and our true market value. He said quite often people over estimated their own market value while underestimating that of others.
I am sure most people do not want to hear that. I know I didnt. But it made me realize that we can bring many good things to the table , but if the person or persons we are wishing to attract do not value these qualities we are not going to have the desired outcome. Our market value is only as good as what the market will bear.

What do you all think about this?

There have been studies done of personal ads... what they found was that people usually have a very clear idea of what they are "worth" in terms of what they can demand in a partner.

In cross referencing this to what others say they think another person is worth... they found that most people have a fairly accurate idea of their true worth.

EXCEPT for men between 55 and 60- who seem to think that their peak earning power gives them more value, without adjusting for their high likelihood of mortality.


This funny to read personals in this light... the younger, more shapely and blonder a woman is, the longer her list of demands in a potential mate...

Likewise, men with large incomes feel free to demand a lot of specific qualities in a woman.


As the women age, gain weight, or add children... their lists of demands gets shorter and less specific.

As men earn less and get older, their list also dwindles...

You can rely on the ads asking merely for a good person to share their life with to be placed by the people with the least to offer, themselves.

I have always said there is an economy to love.

Evolution makes us all into horse traders...trying to get the most we can for what we have to offer.



The upshot is that young men can be taught that if they want a quality woman, they had better have something to lay on the table other than their dicks.


And a women can learn that a good man is WORTH the thing he wants from them.


And both can learn that they had better keep their end up... continue to be WORTHY of their partner... if they want to keep them.

 

[cocktoberfest]

There have been studies done of personal ads...

Your post was fascinating. Do you know how I can read more about that study?