I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power.' A woman buys a wall mirror from Home Depot, and the manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror', No she said 'but I'd suck your c*ck for a lawn mower'. I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean' what I thought it did.' A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said 'sorry about the wait' I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually.' Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says 'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said 'if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!' One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT? Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself 'she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!' I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them...............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'