Truely Offensive Humour

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by jakeatolla, May 15, 2010.

  1. jakeatolla

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    I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large
    chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and
    said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking
    will power.'

    A woman buys a wall mirror from Home Depot, and the manager says 'would
    you like a screw for that mirror', No she said 'but I'd suck your c*ck for
    a lawn mower'.

    I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
    instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean' what I thought it did.'

    A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said 'sorry
    about the wait' I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually.'

    Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him
    & says 'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have
    one? Paddy said 'if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can
    have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'

    One of life's great mysteries -
    How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch
    fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car
    into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?

    Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I
    thought to myself 'she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'

    I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
    gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
    always end up in bed with them...............Here's how it goes 'Excuse
    me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like
    chloroform to you?'
     
  2. lopo2000

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    Oh my!
     
  3. Mastur

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    Ahahahahaha...! So utterly and fanastically offensive! The last one's a killer!
     
  4. hockeyguy741

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  5. Gecko4lif

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    Last one got me
     
  6. pbmonkey

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    Here is one of my favorites!

    What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
     
  7. HiddenLacey

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    LMAO I hate to admit it but this is 100% me!!! I hit a post in the middle of a field backing up. Try explaining that to your signaficant other:eek:... I still didn't see it:redface:
     
  8. pbmonkey

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    :biggrin1:



    Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?


    A: You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.
     
  9. WeirdLabs

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    Here is my attempt to hit rock bottom. [evil grin]


    A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been fucked! Will you help me?"
    The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
    He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
    "I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW your fucked!" he says and starts to row away.
     
  10. B_stanmarsh14

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    What's the worst part about screwing a bald cunt?.......

    Hearing the pelvic bone snap
     
  11. Autofellatio

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    Not only women have problems with parallel parking... Though I guess I could probably fit a truck into a parallel parking bay without any horror stories :smile:
     
  12. Countryguy63

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    Awesome and my kind of humor :tongue:
     
  13. Autofellatio

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    These aren't that offensive, but the subtleties hidden behind them should suffice :)

    ---

    This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.
    It requires a bit of explanation, first:



    If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race
    .... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ...
    you're a pansy.

    If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work
    enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If
    you have a boring repetitive job with low pay .....
    you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a
    job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep
    quiet .... it's male indifference.

    If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't .... you're an insensitive
    bastard.

    If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist. If
    she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If
    SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

    If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you're a
    pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

    If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
    If you don't ... you're unromantic.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape .... you're vain. If you don't ...
    you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ...
    you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you
    don't ... you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache .....
    you don't love her anymore.

    If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must
    be someone else.



    So, in conclusion... Why do men die first?



    Because they want to.
     
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