Trust Issues...

[TylerDurden]

I know this has the potential to be an awful like the thread about what women want to hear in bed over in Women's Issues insofar as everyone has differing opinions, but I'd really like the views on this:

I just recently (last month) broke up with my girlfriend of a yr and half after I caught her deleting contacts off of my cell phone and deleting friends off of sites like facebook.com and myspace.com. The majority of our relationship had been long distance, and I had just moved back into the community in the fall of last yr. I won't lie and say that we had a perfect relationship - we argued like any normal couple...but what could cause such a breach of trust to make her think that by me having female friends I'm a cheater?

Granted, most of my friends are women - in HS and thus far in college I just don't get along well with guys my own age (who seem to think acting "macho" and looking like Calvin Klein says they should makes a male a man). I was never anything but open and trusting with her...can anyone make heads or tails of this?

Is there a way to keep my friends I've had my whole life and find a girlfriend who can accept them as easily as I accept her guy friends?

 

[Lex]

Trust issues are a huge barrier for a lot of people. It is especially a challenge for me as I am attracted to both sexes. This means that everyone I meet (male or female) is a potential "competitor." I want to say that what you are searching for is possible and only attainable through people behaving as if they trust and reinforcing that trust by taking good care of it and nurturing it. Good luck with that.

 

[Thedrewbert]

Deleting contacts off your phone is a trust issue in the "fatal attraction" sort of way. That would have been a definate breakup point for me.

I have a partner and I trust him completely because I know that no matter what, it's me who he comes home to. That trust has evolved over time though. We've been through a lot in our relatively short amount of time together. Trust comes through experience with each other.

 

[Chuck64]

Either she lost her mind, she was always a little unstable, someone lied to her, or you gave her a reason to suspect you of cheating. Most often it's the last one - and guys don't even realize it.

If the relationship were really worth a damn, she should have at least confronted you and started an argument first. The one thing I've noticed about hetero relationships over the years: men and women deal with emotions very differently and it causes friction from time to time. My mom & dad are perfect examples. They fight all the time, but they get to vent and they understand each other better.

I'm sorry to be so harsh. That's how I see things.

 

[Thedrewbert]

"you gave her a reason to suspect you of cheating. Most often it's the last one - and guys don't even realize it."



Agree, except that many times that reason is something like having a friend one is close to.

 

[Lex]

I think that the entire notion we hold that *I* am the only one you are close to or *I* have to be your everything is a faulty one. Why can't he have female friends? Why can't she have male friends? Do we really believe ourselves and others so incapable of deep and caring platonic relations that we need to dismiss the concept from our minds? Displacement, projection and reaction formation are among the more common issues that erupt in relationships. Man, I feel lucky to be with who I am with.

 

[madame_zora]

Tyler, I think jealousy for women almost always stems from their own personal insecurity, it really has very little to do with you. By deleting your contacts, she felt she was "clearing the field" for herself, when in fact she was repulsing you to the point where you wanted her gone. This kind of manipulative behavior is not uncommon for women, and frankly I don't know how you guys ever put up with it!

Sadly, you'll probably find very few young women who are NOT insecure. Society makes it so. We worry about our appearance (ad infinum) our performance, are we clever enough, all those things, THEN we top it off with all the media-induced imagery of what the perfect relationship is supposed to be about. We worry about if you're still interested if you don't call every day, if you don't bring a card or flowers on a holiday do you still love us (ugh!), but the biggest fear of all is the dreaded and feared "are you seeing/looking at other women?????!!!!!111!!" Yeah, it's a n00b-style fear so it got extra punctuation. Most younger women are actually jealous of you looking at porn! We think if you look at and jack off to women with perfect bodies that you'll find our normal body less appealing. Maybe that's true.
We think if you have a lot of women friends, then sometime when we're fighting, one of these "friends" might offer you a shoulder to cry on that includes sharing her pillow, maybe that's true too.

As a young man, and one who already appears exceptional in many respects, I think your best bet will be to find a girl with whom you can communicate and help her through this. She'll come out a better person, and you'll have a better mate. Let her know that you don't have a limited supply of love, and that just because you love *set A* of traits one friend has, that does not detract from your love for the *set N* of traits that SHE has. Also, determine between the two of you early on what place monogamy will play in your relationship, if any. People don't always agree on this, and it is very frequently the cause of break-ups. People can't play by the rules if they don't know what they are. Some people think, incorrectly, that there is a default set of socially accepted morals, but each individual thinks HIS own morals are it!

Lastly, don't be a prick. A lot of you guys are going to groan about this, but you damn well know it's true too. Don't make it a requirement for HER to be monogamous, while YOU still fuck around. That kind of behavior makes me hate human beings. I know a lot of guys let themselves off the hook for this with the excuse that they wouldn't get any action if they didn't, but maybe, just MAYBE it would force women to grow the fuck up and acknowledge the reality that monogamy is just not a natural state of being for most men. Deal with it.

 

[TylerDurden]

Nah Chuck64, you aren't being too harsh. I don't think I ever gave her any reasons to believe I was cheating short of having some female friends that I'm very close with (in a big brother/little sister type relationship). The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think the distance just fueled a naturally jealous nature until she couldn't tell her worries from how I actually acted. I've been over every detail millions of times in my head, and I honestly don't think I could have done anything differently - deep down, I'm just glad it came to a head now rather than later when we would be out somewhere fancy and have her make a scene of it...

 

[Lex]

Zora--great post! My journey into the world of gay men has taught me that men have the SAME insecurities as women in these regards. I have been amazed at the number of men I meet that behave in much the same way as Tyler's GF did. UGH. Confidence is a tough place to get to. Trust issues permeate.

 

[madame_zora]

Nah Chuck64, you aren't being too harsh. I don't think I ever gave her any reasons to believe I was cheating short of having some female friends that I'm very close with (in a big brother/little sister type relationship). The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think the distance just fueled a naturally jealous nature until she couldn't tell her worries from how I actually acted. I've been over every detail millions of times in my head, and I honestly don't think I could have done anything differently - deep down, I'm just glad it came to a head now rather than later when we would be out somewhere fancy and have her make a scene of it...

You could have always left using the excuse "I have to return a video tape".

 

[Thedrewbert]

I think that the entire notion we hold that *I* am the only one you are close to or *I* have to be your everything is a faulty one. Why can't he have female friends? Why can't she have male friends? Do we really believe ourselves and others so incapable of deep and caring platonic relations that we need to dismiss the concept from our minds? Displacement, projection and reaction formation are among the more common issues that erupt in relationships. Man, I feel lucky to be with who I am with.

I completely agree with you. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful man who not only likes that I have "other" friends who I am close to... but actively encourages it. It is not uncommon for him to say "Why don't you go hang out with ________? You haven't seen him in a while".

Heck, my ex-BF lives with us... and we're all cool with each other.

 

[Paul Vincent]

Well crazy ex (another one...sadly) cheated on me, one of the reasons she's an ex. She said at first she was 'taken advantage of', that she didn't know why she did it, she was drunk etc.Turns out she did it because she thought the relationship was going downhill (she kept nagging me and wanting me to have my life mapped out in a day, which just isn't happening, I'm not that perfect)...which I think is a shitty thing to do. She also wouldn't talk to me about it but would do so on an internet forum.

Then recently she told me about ANOTHER online profile site she was on. I got mad, especially after she cheated on me and just said don't tell me about anymore bloody sites you're on. She kept saying I was being immature, and weird. I had to explain to her it was because of her cheating on me and breaking my trust.Anyway it's over now because well she dumped me after I made a reasonable request: not to know about all the sites she was on...I began to think she was there to hook up with people. People are crazy.

Tyler, I guess you have to keep looking. So far 100% of my girlfriends have been crazy. Don't get discouraged or disheartened and keep looking...and good luck.

 

[Thedrewbert]

"This kind of manipulative behavior is not uncommon for women, and frankly I don't know how you guys ever put up with it!"


I have my way. :biggrin1:

 

[TylerDurden]

Zora - I totally agree with the monogamy issue and the importance of communication. I guess I simply assumed she knew I wouldn't cheat due to the fact that I was with her, when in reality I should have opened up and told her that I wouldn't. Also, your n00b comment made me laugh the hardest I've laughed all day....never thought I'd hear a mature, beautiful woman use that term

Paul - I totally know what you mean about trying to have your life planned out. I'll admit I'm a recovering perfectionist, and I'm much more spontaneous now than I was when she and I first started dating - but it seemed that the more spontaneous I became, the more anal she got until we had just switched roles.

 

[Thedrewbert]

It would help if you were ugly...... she wouldn't be so worried of you wandering off then.

 

[TylerDurden]

haha, I'm no Brad Pitt, if that's what you mean. I'd like to think I'm a hair above average, if only for the tall dark and handsome vibe, but I made up my mind a long time ago that I wouldn't be one of those arrogant people who fix themselves in front of every piece of glass they can see themselves in.

 

[Thedrewbert]

Well, I certainly wouldn't say no to you, but I don't think I'm your type.

 

[rawbone8]

some women are extremely territorial and will never get past that version of "normal"

 

[TylerDurden]

Oh yea Zora, I forgot to mention the "getting jealous about watching porn" point you brought up...actually I can believe it, as my ex did get extremely pissed off when she found porn on my computer. I didn't understand why at the time, but after reading your explanation I can totally understand it!

You aren't, say, some genius in hiding who spends her days solving global issues and her nights online solving interpersonal ones for others?

 

[b.c.]

some women are extremely territorial and will never get past that version of "normal"

This is true. No matter how reassuring you are, many (if not most) women see no need for you to continue to have female friends if you're in a steady relationship with them. They believe they should be all the "friend" you need in real life and in fantasy (porn).

Just curious: how would u have felt if "the shoe were on the other foot"?